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Tuesday, December 30, 2008

2009...A Year of Change!

2008 is coming to a close and many of us have had years filled with either successes and accomplishments or failures and disappointments. Whichever experience you can relate to, remember life is a continuous learning process that will mature you. I can personally testify that 2008 has been filled with learning experiences in EVERY area of my life. To be honest, 2008 may have been one of the most challenging years I have ever experienced because God pruned me in areas I never intended on dealing with. Despite it all, no matter how many bumps and bruises I received this year, I still give God praise because He has given me new points of reference for my life. I celebrate each of the challenges He has helped me overcome and realize that all things are possible through His grace and renewed mercies. Because of my 2008 experiences, I can now say that my professional, financial, relationship, social and ministry lives will all be better.

During my time of reflection I was reminded of a message my pastor preached a couple years ago titled “Breaking the Holding Pattern!” Each of us can take something away from his sermon because it focused on ways to change the various areas of your life. In order to “Break the Holding Pattern” in your life you must be willing to:

1. Go in a New Direction – You can’t keep doing things the same way expecting a different result. This principle applies to every area of your life. You can’t keep spending money the same way expecting your savings to increase. You can’t keep dating the same type of people who don’t appreciate you and expect to find love. You can’t expect to not retool yourself and expect a job promotion. You can’t expect to be blessed when you neglect the One who is the distributor of all blessings.
2. Garner a New Disposition – You have to be willing to change your perspective of life. You have to understand that you are a child of King and should view yourself as such. Don’t allow fear in your life because it is not of God and provides too much leverage and credit to the enemy. God is able to accomplish great and mighty things in your life if you only believe. All you have to do is remain focused on the Lord and allow Him to direct your path. In order to experience results you have never had before, you must be willing to go places and do things you have never done before.
3. Gain a New Determination – Realign the goals that motivate you and your existence. No more desire for material things! No more desire for selfish power! No more desire for superficial things! No more desire to covet things that don’t belong to you! What God has for you…it is for you. Remain courageous through the process and focus on your commitment to God. All things you chase for personal gain can be taken away in an instant. However, only the things you do for Christ shall last forever.
4. Follow the Guide to your New Destination – You have to remember God is the One who guides you through the ups and downs of life. No matter what you have gone through, it is imperative to remember God presides over your life. He will not put more on you than you can handle in life. Everything you go through should be used to give Him glory and to serve as a testimony to others who may be going through a similar experience. You can rest assured that through this journey called life, the Lord will provide for you, He will protect you and He will preserve you. For evidence of His preservation power, please look at yourself in the mirror. As you look in the mirror, be reminded that you don’t reflect all that you have been through this year. That is preservation power!

As you enter into 2009, please make sure you leave all 2008 baggage behind. This includes activities, relationships and habits that don’t add value to your life. Remember, life-change can be like a band-aid when you remove it. It hurts temporarily, but the wound underneath is hopefully healed enough for you to go forward in life!

Here are some excerpts from the “Breaking the Holding Pattern” sermon preached by Pastor Craig Oliver

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=57I8HMSCWnY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3E2lUz8bufQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TESNjx8zBzQ

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Monday, December 29, 2008

He's Not Dumping You Because...



Below is an article sent to me by a friend and I found it interesting. Both men and women tend to have an inflated perspective of how good of a catch they really are. The bottom line is that we all have areas to improve in our lives and our search for a mate who is perfect will always come up short. There is a difference between 'the perfect mate' and 'the mate who is perfect.'

**************************************************
Written by Judy McGuire of The Frisky (www.thefrisky.com)

Writing about dating is my full-time job, so, naturally, I hear a lot of pretty deranged tales of love gone wrong. But last week I received a letter from a woman who was convinced that men wouldn't go out with her because she was just too ... beautiful.

She fully believed her breathtaking attractiveness was anything but a man-magnet -- as one might expect. Instead, she said, her beauty acted as a Romeo-repellant, causing suitors to run screaming from her. Obviously, I explained the situation to her (perhaps it wasn't her gorgeous outsides, but her narcissistic insides that were doing the damage), but it did get me to thinking about all the other ridiculous reasons that women -- myself included -- come up with when they get dumped.

Along with being too beautiful, here are a few other qualities I guarantee nobody will ever break your heart over:

Too smart: I once had a friend who was convinced she couldn't keep a boyfriend because she was too smart for the male population. She was positive her staggering intellect was turning them off. Uh, no. What drove the men away (and most of her female friends, as well) was the fact that she was mean. We're talking stupendously cruel. Her definition of smart translated into cutting people down until they felt like the smallest person on earth. Not exactly a turn-on, no matter how cleverly it's worded.

Too nice: Generally, I hear this one more from men, but women are guilty of it, too. Here, the problem is semantics. "Nice" is a desirable quality. Whereas "doormat," "pantywaist," and "milquetoast" are not. Far too many people mistake the latter for the former, and there's a world of difference when it comes to dating. So, no, you're not getting dumped because you're too nice; you're getting the heave-ho because you're spineless.

To see the rest of this article please visit:
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/12/18/reasons.you.wont.get.dumped/index.html

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Friday, December 26, 2008

Merry Christmas to You!

I pray and trust that each of you had a Merry Christmas! Please take time for the remainder of the weekend to spend quality time with family, friends, or even yourself.

Reflect on the birth of Jesus Christ and be reminded that He was born to die for each of us.

I am currently relaxing with my family and will resume blogging on Monday, December 29, 2008.

May God Bless each and every one of you!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

In the Christmas Spirit or Not?

Christmas time is usually filled with joy and excitement. There are people out and about shopping, planning parties and making travel arrangements to spend time with family and friends. Christmas time can be an awesome time when your mind maintains focus on the reason for the season...the birth of Jesus Christ. However, for many who are unmarried, Christmas time can be a painful reminder of your current season of singleness. No matter how much you try to focus on other things, a sense of disappointment can manifest itself when you are unhappy in your current season. I know people who can manage this time of the year without any signs of disappointment. On the flipside I know many who also struggle during this time of year.

How do you deal with the Christmas season in season of singleness? What keeps you focused?

Friday, December 19, 2008

Advice for Today - 12/19/08

Feel free to run your life like an HR Director. People will continually submit applications to become a part of your life, but you hold ultimate authority on whether to hold their application, invite them in for an interview, and/or extend them an offer to join your company.

Remember that employment/partnership is at-will and you can terminate the agreement at any time.

Also, how many people do you have in your life who need to be reviewed for performance?

Have a great weekend!

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Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Art of Noise



One of my favorite songs of all-time is ‘Moments in Love’ by Art of Noise. The element that is so interesting about this particular song is the amount of instrument variety used to bring about a harmonious sound. This song has keyboards, horns, drums, rattlers, special effects, etc., and the predetermined transitions provide a beautiful musical flow using the ‘Art of Noise.’

In thinking through the art of music, I recently reflected on a sermon Bishop Eddie Long preached at my church back in 2007. He spoke about a conductor and an orchestra, and how they must work together in order to accomplish a single, harmonious, symphonic sound. An orchestra is made up of several instruments, each having a special role and sound needed to complete the big musical masterpiece directed by the conductor. When the musicians pay attention to the cue of the conductor, everything occurs at the right moment and produces what we hear as masterful music piece. However, when the musicians play out of turn or too loudly, it is extremely noticeable and the result is not so pleasant.

Well, relationships work the same way as the above-mentioned orchestra. Two individuals serve as the orchestra musicians and God serves as the conductor. When two individuals allow the orchestration of God to guide their steps, interaction and involvement, a beautiful relationship sound is experienced. Unfortunately, many of today’s relationships are generating an out of sync noise played at the desire of the individuals…and not as directed by God. Individuals are trying so hard to get their selfish points across, instead of contributing to the harmonious sound God desires. The solution is to simply get back in alignment with God’s direction, and allow Him to conduct every move in each area of a relationship. When you allow Him to lead, you will experience an ‘Art of Noise’ that’s pleasing to everyone involved.
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Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Managing Expectations

There are typically two results that occur when dealing with your expectations:

1. Happiness - Happiness occurs when a reality in your life (e.g. event, relationship, activity) meets or exceeds your expectations.

or

2. Disappointment - Disappointment occurs when a reality in your life (e.g. event, relationship, activity) does not meet, or falls below your expectations.


The best way of dealing with both happiness and disappointment is to identify a method to properly manage your expectations. The best way to manage your expectations is to recognize that you do not have the ability to change or control people or situations. Once you recognize that God is in control of everything that happens in your life, you will be better equipped to deal with both happiness and disappointment.

Here are two verses that keep me grounded when either happiness or disappointment surfaces in my life:

Psalm 118:24 - This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Psalm 30:5 - Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.

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Friday, December 12, 2008

Relationship Tip - 12/12/08

For the Men
A woman is interested in connecting with someone who has vision. In order to be an effective household leader, you have to know where you are going, or be connected to the One who can lead you there.

For the Women
A man needs someone who can come alongside of him in order to achieve a greater purpose. Bring your God-given skills and talents to the table and allow them to be used to accomplish God-sized successes in your relationship.

For Both
Relationships are meant for two individuals who complement one another and not conflict with each other. Continue developing yourself so you can be the best you can be in all aspects of your relationship!


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Thursday, December 11, 2008

Interesting Perspective of Love

Here is an article written by author Deepak Chopra that was sent to me by a friend. I think it has some points you may find interesting.

**********
Love is not just a sentiment. Love is the ultimate truth at the heart of creation. Any relationship that’s based on need is doomed for failure. And any relationship that is based on playfulness leads to ecstasy. When you have the intoxication of love, your body makes dopamine, opiates, serotonin, and oxytocin. These hormones are not only antidepressants, and induce a subjective sense of euphoria, but they’re also immunomodulators. They modify, modulate, and fortify your immune system, so you’re a much healthier person. When people are experiencing either the giving or receiving of love, their body starts to self-regulate and restore homeostasis, which means that all your body systems are performing at a peak level. Our meaning and context in life come from relationships. In the absence of relationships, we don’t even exist. A bad relationship is one in which there is controlled manipulation, where people need constant approval and reinforcement that they are liked or loved -- in other words, where there is a lot of insecurity.

Please visit http://advice.eharmony.com/article/deepak-chopra-what-ive-learned-about-love.html to see the remainder of this article.

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Wednesday, December 10, 2008

End of Year Relationship Assessment

In your season of singleness, your relationship with Christ is representative of a relationship with your mate. If today was your end of year review and Christ represented your mate, how would you rate in the following areas?

- Quality time spent with Him
- Effective communication with Him
- Ability to resolve conflict with Him
- Demonstration of love towards Him
- Granting Him access to ALL areas of your life
- Ability to accept correction for inappropriate behavior from Him
- Consulting Him for guidance/direction
- Giving your time and talents to Him

If you struggle in the areas listed above, you will probably struggle with interpersonal relationships. Otherwise, you will probably experience a varying level of success.

Pop quiz
In your eyes, would God still be God if He decided not to send you a mate?

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Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Question of the Day - Holding on to the Past

Today's question of the day poses as a point of reflection for you.

Are you NOT receiving future blessings because you refuse to let go of your past?

Do not allow yourself to become paralyzed by things, situations and people that you cannot change. Keep pressing forward towards the mark and remember everything works together to achieve God's ultimate purpose.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Question of the Day - The Educated Woman

Have women over-educated and professionalized themselves out of marriage?

I am continually amazed at the rate of women who are currently unmarried in today's society. Progressive feminism has opened many corporate doors that were closed once upon a time for women to pursue. In addition, many of today's women have taken advantage of educational opportunities and now outpace their male counterparts in a tremendous way. What does this mean for successful relationships and marriage? Absolutely nothing! Unfortunately for women, there is no correlation between being educated and professionally successful, and receiving the mate that so many desire to be blessed with.

I reflect back on my days as a youth (1970's and 1980's) and wonder why this issue didn't seem to be a problem back then. Have women over-educated and professionalized themselves out of marriage?

Hmmmm.....

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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Do You Have A Solid Relationship Plan?



Why do so many people try to pursue relationships and marriages when they have never seen a successful one modeled before their eyes?

I just had a revelation about why the failure rate of relationships and marriages is at an all-time high. Unfortunately, we have an ever-increasing population of people who have never seen successful relationships and marriages lived out before them. It's sort of like trying to build a car or home with no plans and specs (specifications). When you try build a house or car with no plans and specs you are destined to fail. The complexity of such constructions makes it very difficult to build a quality product without specific directions. Similarly, relationships are complex entities that are difficult to build without a stable plan or set of instructions. What happens when two people disagree on a particular point? They each argue individually from their experience or historical point of view which is dangerous. Unfortunately, two individuals arguing/debating relationship perspectives from a historical point of view often assist in destroying the success of the relationship.

How can you argue about what makes a relationship successful, or your point valid, when your points of reference are past failed relationships? Hmmmm...

If you don't have any successful relationships from your past to reflect upon during your pursuit of relationship/marriage, I can offer a couple of suggestions:

1) Read the Bible. The Bible gives foundational components of successful relationships. The pure essence of healthy relationships are agape love, giving, selflessness, reconciliation and communication. John 3:16 is great biblical evidence on how relationships should be modeled.

2) Seek relationship/marriage mentors. A great source for understanding relationships issues are couples whose relationships have withstood the test of time. Things Will go wrong in your relationships, but all conflicts are not worth risking the loss of your relationship/marriage. You have to learn which issues lack importance and which ones are detrimental to a relationship.

3) Work on you. It is very difficult to operate in a relationship when you have not purged your baggage from previous relationships. Contrary to your biological clock, Essence magazine or what the media says, you are better off by yourself, than connected to someone who makes your joined relationship unhealthy. Remember...an ox and an ass cannot operate together.

Stay tuned for more on this topic...

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Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Perspective of LOVE

There are some very distinct differences between how men and women view and come into LOVE.

It has been stated that women fall in LOVE and men sort of grow into LOVE over time. Men really have to choose to LOVE someone because we are taught in our youthful years to flee from or suppress our emotions. In spite of our ability to camouflage our emotions, we basically know within the first couple of months of dating/courting whether we are interested in pursuing a long-term relationship. Men find someone who they consider attractive and then seek to grow into LOVE over time. Women on the other hand, typically find a man who they view as quality and seek to confirm their LOVE interest in them. Women can become progressively attracted to a man over a short period of time.

I used to wonder why I would often see attractive women with men who society would view as ‘average’. It is because the ‘average’ man displayed quality characteristics which led the woman to become progressively attracted to them.

Women – Do you agree that men of quality become more attractive over time?

Men – Do you know if you’re in it for the long haul early on in the relationship? Does anything really change for you after a couple months of dating a woman?

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Monday, December 1, 2008

Has Technology Ruined Courtship?



I stumbled across a question on my friend's Facebook page that I found quite interesting.

Why do guys date you via text/email/IM? No more talking until 4am like the old days, courtship has gone to cyberspace.

I found this question to be most interesting and asked permission to post on my blog and on other communication avenues. Does anyone have any thoughts about this question? Let me universalize the question because women are also guilty of this practice too.

When you take the time to engage in meaningful conversation to the point where information is exchanged, why do so many people opt for text messaging, e-mail and IM for communication? I understand during the day when folks are working, but what about in the evening when your day has come to a close? Are our relationships failing because people only get access to the technology side of a person?

Personally...I will not proceed in a relationship where effective, direct communication is lacking.

Your thoughts please!!!

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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

The "IN" Crowd

by Kendra J. Gamble

(Romans 5:1-5)

Layoffs, foreclosures, growing debt, and decreasing finances are in the forefront of our society like never before. Stress, pressure, sadness, depression, anger, fear, and despair are all arresting the hearts and minds of many believers. What do we do? How can one handle the tribulations in this day and still rejoice in the Lord? Many are crying out to God for deliverance while others seek a way out in their own strength. It is quite common for us as humans to ask for deliverance "out" of a situation. Nevertheless, as children of the Most High God, He is able to teach and deliver us "IN" the situation. Yes, we can even rejoice during our most difficult trials and tests.

Romans 5 begins by reminding us that since we are justified by faith we have peace with God through Jesus Christ. Inspite of all that we are going through, whether it is financial, spiritual, or emotional, we can give God praise for peace and relationship with Him. In times like these we must return to the joy of our salvation, the true object of our worship. Because of our faith we are legally declared righteous and through Christ " have access...into this grace wherein we stand and rejoice in hope of the glory of God". We are still covered and kept by God's grace no matter what is happening. God's grace is our blanket in the ark of His safety. Remember we STAND AND REJOICE in hope!!! Regardless of the situation, by the power of God's grace you can stand, not bow down to your problems. You can rejoice and not allow sadness and depression to overtake you. Now here's the shouting part, verse 3 declares, "And not only so, but we glory IN tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; 4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope". It's IN the situation that our faith is nurtured. It's IN the sitatuation that we learn to offer up the sacrifice of praise. It's IN the situation where our testimony is birthed. Remember, Jesus said in John 16:33, "In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world." Our tests and trials are not a surprise to God. He gave us His word, His promise that He would never leave nor forsake us. He has already proclaimed our victory through Christ Jesus! I remember a passage from a song that says, "if I never had a problem, I wouldn't know God could solve it!" Ahh yes, there it is, our problems are our experiences! Because of those past experiences we now have hope in seeing the glory of the Lord revealed through these current experiences! Others may not understand your reason for hoping and believing God while all hell is breaking loose in your life. They might even call you foolish. Verse 5 declares "And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given to us". In other words, You will not look foolish for trusting in God. He is faithful to do as He promised. He is faithful to deliver and restore. You can cling to His promises because He loves us and the Holy Ghost reminds us of that love. God wants to dress us with a new attitude IN the middle of our storms. He wants to give us a new song IN the midst of our tears. Our Father is triumphant and because of our relationship with Him, SO ARE WE!!!

Brothers and sisters don't give up. Continue to press on. Look at you, still getting up and going to work, or applying for jobs. The bank might have taken your home, but it ultimately belongs to God who has the power to give you another home! It may seem like things are going from bad to worse, but God still gives you life and another opportunity to go forward. You may not know it, but everyday that you arise you're letting the enemy know that he won't win! You are not alone. Our circumstances may not be the same,but we serve the same God who is able to strengthen us IN our storm. My pastor once said, "Your worst day with Jesus is better than your best day without Him!" You are not counted out because of your problems. You are not an outcast. Don't go another day with your head down. REJOICE! You are in the "IN" crowd!

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Monday, November 24, 2008

Are You Tangled In Sin?



I had an opportunity to teach this lesson for Sunday School two weeks ago and thought it was so powerful that it needed to be shared with the masses.

We learn that when God’s people confess their sins, God responds by forgiving their sins and giving them a new start. If you want an excellent biblical illustration of the impact of sin, please review the story of David and Bathsheba in 2 Samuel Chapters 11 & 12.


Sin Must Be Confronted
o We often become tangled in sin due to a series of bad decisions or an obsession with a specific feeling. In order to make progress in dealing with our sins, we must first be willing to confront our sins.

Sin Is Personalized
o Too often we can be quick to point out the sins of others yet hesitant to admit our own sins. Even now we might need to take a personal inventory of the many things that can be considered unhealthy and sinful behavior. Let us not get caught up judging others for their behavior when we have not adequately addressed our own.

Sin Is Judged
o Our sins always carry spiritual consequences but also can result in devastating temporal consequences. Temporal consequences include damage to our physical and emotional health as well as damage to our families and careers. God graciously offers forgiveness to those who repent of their sins; yet some temporal results of sins may not be undone this side of heaven.

Sin Can Be Confessed and Forgiven
o We need to realize that our holy God is amazingly gracious and forgiving, willing to restore those who repent and confess their sins. Those who have committed sins and question if God will forgive them should take heart from David’s example of humble confession.

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Thursday, November 20, 2008

Is Your Life On Hold?

Here is an interesting entry written by a young lady on the Christianity Today website.
____________________________

I read a quote recently from Carolyn Hax, an advice columnist I read frequently, that made me stop and think. Although her advice doesn't come from a Christian perspective, I enjoy reading her because she has a lot of common sense.

Here's an excerpt from a recent advice column:
"Is there any element of your life that's based on the assumption that you'd someday be married?

… the signs that you're waiting for your life to come find you aren't always obvious, like living with your parents. It can be your savings strategy, your hobbies, your neighborhood, your hangouts, your eating habits, your choice of friends, your behavior on dates, your travel plans, your taste in clothing or music or art, your willingness even to buy art.

… If you identify any part of your life that's in limbo because you're single, try knocking it back out again. Make the choices you'd make if this were it, your life, no one but you calling shots."

—Tamara








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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Where Are The Single Church Brothers At?

As the leader of an Unmarried Adult Ministry, this is a question I hear quite often from many of our women members. Yes, the lack of single men in our churches is bad for the whole relationship/dating landscape. However, that's not the biggest problem! The biggest problem is that most single men aren't even attending churches. I'm concerned about my Christian brothers. Why are we less active in our faith? Is a relationship with our Creator important?

I don't think it's something for us to easily pinpoint—or even that it's just one source to the overall problem. I think there are different contributors to the problem all over the place, including cultural gender roles, societal expectations, and the setup of the church.

Men commonly just don't know what or who we're supposed to be. Mixed messages and gender confusion can particularly screw up younger, single men. Without clear guidance, it's easy to follow the wrong path.

Think of culture and Christianity as two advertisements next to each other on street billboards. Culture advertises sex, profit, alcohol, instant gratification, and not having to rely on anybody but yourself. On the other hand, the church seems to promise judgment, rules, profiting pastors and a focus on money. To add to the tainted appearance, there's a focus on family and a largely female appeal.

Looking at it this way, it's a little more understandable why many men leave the church after high school and come back only as married men with families and a greater emotional maturity, if they come back at all. They've sown their wild oats, seen the errors of their ways, and now understand what's truly lasting and important in life.

I know things don't look good for those seeking a balanced church experience. And I admit the problem with a lack of men active in the church can look discouraging. I offer to you that it's too soon to quit on the situation. Continue sharing your experiences with those who are currently unchurched and organizing activities that will show our brothers that Christianity an church can be exciting. It only takes a remnant to change things. Are you willing to be a part of the solution? Or will you continue contributing to the problem?








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Monday, November 17, 2008

Points of Reflection

Here are a couple points of reflection for your Monday morning.

For the Ladies...

"When you chase after a man to get him, you'll have to chase after him to keep him!" Allow Proverbs 18:22 to be your source!

"Don't play the mistress in relationships. If a man cheats with you, you can be assured that he'll cheat on you."

For the Gentlemen...

"If you desire to find the 'good thing' described in Proverbs 31, you must stop pursuing the 'lust thing' available at many of your local clubs/bars."

"Make sure you develop relationships based on the core values you desire for your family. The best lifemate for you may not look like a video model."









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Friday, November 14, 2008

Risk of Relationships



Here is a quote by C.S. Lewis that reminds me why, despite all past pain, it's still worth the risk of being open to relationships.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."

While rejection and heartbreak are horrible, these results of trying to avoid such things altogether sound worse. And surely aren't part of the full, abundant life God desires us to lead.

No matter what bad experiences you have encountered in your past, don't complicate/delay God's ability to change your situation by living life through your rear-view mirror. Everything in your past happened for a reason! Your past experiences give you a foundation to make wiser life decisions and enhances your recognition of good, 'quality' people who God sends into your life. Every failed relationship puts you one step closer to the one God ordains for you to have! Celebrate the fact that you now have a clearer picture of what you desire in your future mate.

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Thursday, November 13, 2008

Reality of Love



The reality of love is this: We don't have the ability to really love without the power of the Holy Spirit working through us.

In Galatians 5:22-23, the Apostle Paul tells us the fruit of the Spirit is, “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control...” According to this scripture, we don't have the capacity to love without God giving us that ability as we surrender ourselves to Him.

So how are people able to “love” when they don't know God? Well unfortunately they can't. At least they are not able to love with the type of love God demonstrates. God's love is a special love the Bible calls “agape”. It is a love that flows out of the will and does not change. It does not change based on feeling, emotion or attitude. It is the most stable and predictable kind of love and the only type that can provide a lasting foundation in marriage and/or other relationships.

Often, when people say they love someone, they are just talking about sexual desire or a passionate feeling. These kinds of feelings fluctuate regularly and are not synonymous with pure love. Modern day love outside of God isn’t strong enough to endure the many storms of life relationships and marriages experience.

Agape love, however, is a committed and sacrificial love that is modeled after Jesus. When Jesus tells us He loves us, He isn't talking about a feeling that comes and goes. He is telling us He is committed to us forever and will not change. He loves us regardless of whether we are a drugaholic, alcoholic, sexaholic, lustaholic, workaholic or any other holic you can name. Jesus’ love for us remains the same no matter what we do to Him. We really need to consider what we mean when we tell our spouse, fiancé/fiancée, boyfriend/girlfriend “I love you”. Are we saying that we are experiencing an emotional feeling when we are around them or are we saying we are committed to him or her forever and will demonstrate love regardless of bad feelings or negative circumstances?

People controlled by their emotions are unreliable and their moodiness can do a lot of damage to relationships. Relationships built on personalities and moods are destined for failure. The most stable and dependable people in relationships are those who are submitted to the influence of the Holy Spirit. They are powered by a supernatural love that will lead them to do the right thing through thick and thin.

Prayer for today

Ask God to fill you with the power of His Holy Spirit. He never intends for us to go around trying to love people out of the shallow well of our own emotions. The ocean of His love is always available to any of us who would just admit our weaknesses and depend upon Him. His agape love is the highest love and will transform any person, relationship, or marriage under its influence.

Please visit http://chatkafe.blogspot.com for more helpful articles like this!

(Some content taken from Jimmie Evans' Marriage Today. You can visit his site at www.marriagetoday.org.)








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Innocent or Guilty?



Here is a point of conviction for you today...

During a trial, the burden of proof always lies with the prosecution--the defendant is innocent until proven guilty. One day you will stand before the Judge of all mankind. Will you be found innocent or guilty on that day? To examine the evidence, let's look at God's moral Laws (the Ten Commandments): Have you ever lied? Ever stolen anything? Ever hated anyone? The Bible says, "Whoever hates his brother is a murderer" (1 John 3:15). Ever looked with lust? Jesus said, "Whoever looks at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" (Matthew 5:27, 28). If you've broken any of the Laws, God sees you as a liar, a thief, a murderer, and an adulterer-at-heart. The penalty for sin is death, and eternity in hell. Do you see the predicament you're in? God knows your every thought, word, and deed, and your conscience confirms that you're guilty. What will you say in your defense? No amount of good works will help your case. The good news is that God has provided a way for your penalty to be paid. Jesus Christ suffered and died on the cross in your place to take the punishment for your crimes against a Holy God. If you repent (turn from your sins) and place your trust in Jesus alone to save you, God will declare you not guilty. Then read your Bible daily and obey what you read. Please visit www.TheGoodPersonTest.net.

You can view this along with other posts at http://chatkafe.blogspot.com!








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Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Relationship Tip - 11/11/2008

Here is your relationship tip for this week.

Remember that relationships are a two-way street that require flexibility, compromise and forgiveness. You must recognize that things may not always go your way and when they don't...you must be willing to look at the situation with an objective eye. Many arguments occur in our relationships because two people view the situation from their own individual perspective. This would work extremely well if the world centered around us. Unfortunately (or fortunately), that is not the case for all of us (even though some folks think contrary to this). It is essential for two people to look beyond themselves individually in order to come to a mutually agreed upon roadmap that is in the best interest of the relationship. Sometimes this means giving more in one area and less in another. At the end of the day all relationships require balance, flexibility, communication and compromise.

What good is having two people in a relationship if they cannot agree on their final destination?








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Monday, November 10, 2008

Incomplete Assignments



Today's post is short and sweet! My Sunday School class has often discussed our selfish human nature. In the midst of our selfishness, many of us leave assignments given to us by God incomplete. How fair of a response is that from us to the One who is in control?

- We expect God to wake us up every morning in preparation for life's enjoyment.
- We expect God to protect us from the many dangers that we naturally face each day.
- We expect God to provide places of employment so we can meet our daily needs.
- We expect God to heal us when we become ill.

The list goes on and on...but my question for you is simple!

Have you completed the last assignment God gave to you?

Did you pray to Him for guidance this morning?
Did you read His Word today for strength?
Did you tithe as He commanded you to do?
Did you invite that co-worker or family member to church as you have been prompted?
Did you disassociate yourself from people who are negatively influencing you?
Did you give to the homeless today during lunch?

Just some food for thought on this Monday!








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Friday, November 7, 2008

Dating and Privacy


When going through the process of 'dating', you should expect the common courtesy of learning the basic information about the person you are sharing with. Information such as age, occupation, children, likes and dislikes should not be viewed as 'out of the ordinary.' However, there are some areas of life that begin to push the limit for those going through the 'get to know you' process (e.g., income, credit score inquiries, number of past sex partners, etc.).

Men tend to be a lot more private/secretive of themselves when it comes to sharing information. I think this has a lot to do with a woman's natural desire to learn certain things; whereas, a man doesn't really focus on things outside of the basics.

- How private should you be when you are dating someone new and you want to explore a relationship?

- At what point during the relationship do you begin to share the more intimate details of yourself with the person you are dating? Are you an open book? Or does someone have to pry information out of you?









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Thursday, November 6, 2008

Male Biological Clock



We spend a lot of time addressing the ever-present gasp of women racing against their bodies for relationships, marriage and children. However, let's take an opportunity to view a very different life-perspective. Do men have biological clocks?

A man's biological clock is a measure against his ability to play ball in the yard with his sons, his ability to retain cultural relevance with his children as they go through adolescence and his ability to maintain his household during his pre-AARP years. Do men have biological clocks?

Now this question may seem a little odd or even illogical, but it does have relevance to that small group of men seeking to accomplish their God-ordained life goals. I personally have no immediate pressure of a biological clock because there are other things in life that currently have my focus and attention (e.g., ministry, profession, school, etc.). However, I do have some close friends and associates who press the issue to find, create or marry into family, so they can beat their self-assessed 'biological clocks'.

The unfortunate result for many of these men is the unattractive aura they give off by wanting to accelerate relationships to the altar. I wish I had a dollar for each of the discussions I've held with women who were turned off by men who pressed too hard to make things work quickly. Although many desire to get married, women will forego proposal opportunities in situations where a man seems 'thirsty'.

Let's not take my biased view of the issue of male biological clocks. Below are some responses to a survey completed by Christian Singles Today: http://www.christianitytoday.com/singles/newsletter/2008/mind1105.html

The Need for Speed
When I was in my late 30s and early 40s, I thought I needed to hurry up and find somebody to marry so I could have kids before I got too old to raise them. This led me into several relationships that weren't healthy. Now that I'm in my mid-40s, I'm not as interested in having children as in having a godly relationship with a woman. I now realize it takes time to get to know someone, and you shouldn't rush the process. But it seems most of the women I've been dating just want to hurry up and get married.
-Ken

Mild Desire
I don't think we men really have a biological clock relating to kids. Sometimes I wish I could have kids, but it isn't something that hits me—it's just a mild desire. And that desire doesn't have to do with a time of the year or stage in life; it's usually when I've been around some fun kids.
-Rob

The Clock's Stopped
As a 45-year-old never-married man, I feel like the biological clock has probably passed me by. I've felt the desire for kids in the past, but at this point, it's not much of an issue for me. Even if I were to get married tomorrow, my children would be graduating from high school around the time I'll be retiring, and that doesn't seem quite fair to the kids.

I haven't dated much in recent years, but I know what it's like to be dating a woman with "ticking-clock syndrome." It can be very uncomfortable for a guy, and can make you feel like your only importance to her is as a means to the end of motherhood. For some women, the biological clock undermines their ability to value a man for who he is, which is what most Christian guys want from a relationship.
-Steve

Rights and Wrongs
I'm astounded at the expectant attitude of child-bearing in our kid-centric society. I believe that remaining childless is much more selfless and requires more mental energy. Most women think it's their right—or a commandment from God—to have a child. But it isn't a given that everyone is to procreate. There are far too many people having children who don't possess the ability or finances to raise them.
-Ron









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Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Change We Need!



I, like many other Americans, was extremely excited to witness such a monumental event in United States history. The election of Senator Barack Obama as the next President of the United States signifies so much in the lives of a people who are currently facing an overwhelming outlook of despair. Increasing job loss, a failing economy, increasing costs for everyday goods and a burst housing bubble have all contributed to the 2008 state of affairs we currently find ourselves in. However, a two-year campaign, tireless hours of sacrifice, and exposure to public scrutiny ultimately resulted in a manifestation of hope many of us never thought we’d see. The bar of expectation for African-Americans and Americans overall has been raised, the glass ceiling has been removed, change is now present and it’s now up to us to live out the potential of what God placed us here on earth for. Don’t become comfortable with simply applauding last night’s victory because the journey has just begun! The change President Elect Obama spoke about last night lies squarely in the hands of the people who can buy into the dream and vision that has been illuminated in him. Our current-state of life won’t change without a cognitive adjustment from each of us. Think about the journey of change for many of us…

Change seemed so far away!
Change persevered through baseless attacks from the opposition!
Change had God clearing the path for his journey!
Change spoke hope into the lives of millions!
Change received the support of the people!
Change recognizes there is still much work to do!
Change needs all of us to do our part to continue our progress!
Change needs all of our commitment to take our communities, cities and country to the next level!

Are you ready? All you have to buy into the concept of “Yes We Can!”

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Get Your Vote On!

Many of you have already cast your ballots for this pivotal election, but if you haven't...GET YOUR BEHIND OUT THERE AND VOTE!!

This election has so many different impacts and none of us can afford to let this election past without our participation. Let me dispel a few misconceptions that people sometimes fall victim to:

1.) Your vote does matter despite what the media tells you.
2.) Not all democrats are black and not all republicans are white.
3.) Just because you are Christian DOES NOT mean you should vote Republican like many churches may lead you to believe.
4.) You have the right to investigate the issues for yourself in order to make an informed decision. Don't just vote for someone because yoru friends are voting for them :)

Recognize that one person will not change the country overnight and we need to pray for the country's patience through the rebuilding process. Make the most of this historic moment and monitor the results throughout the evening.

Enough with the overview....GET YOUR VOTE ON!

Monday, November 3, 2008

Blackballed

An interesting question was raised during a small group outing our ministry hosted this past weekend. One the guys in our group mentioned that he viewed women in our ministry as sisters and would never consider dating any of them. Of course the young man’s statement sparked an immediate response from one of the young ladies in our group as she swiftly responded “Why?” I quickly supported his claim by interjecting that if the relationship doesn’t work out, then the man subjects himself to being blackballed within the group. This seems to be the unspoken theory for men in churches, workplace environments and other organizations.

Workplace topic of the week…

Would you date someone in your inner circle (church, workplace, networking groups, etc.) even if it risked being blackballed from dealing with others in the same circle? Why or why not?

Does the answer to the above question differ for men and women?

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Worth the Wait

As I stood in line awaiting the opportunity to cast my vote for the next President of the United States, I began reflecting on something that resonated within me spiritually. At the beginning of this week I began assessing the various voting locations and associated wait times in order to decide when and where I would cast my ballot. Being a Cobb County resident, the various early voting locations had waiting times ranging from 2 to 6 hours. Because of the importance of this election, I decided to pick a location, jump in line and wait for 2 hours and 47 minutes until I was able to accomplish my goal. I forfeited my desire for a shortcut and persevered through the twisting and turning of a line containing hundreds of individuals. I was eventually able to accomplish my goal and it was indeed worth the wait.

When you reflect over your life, most things you have achieved came with an associated process. Many of you had to endure 16 years of education in order to achieve our college degree. Many of you had to endure 18 years of life prior to transitioning out of your parent’s house in order to live on your own. Many of the successful marriages you hear about required years of processing in order to achieve a level of harmony and happiness.

What am I trying to say? Many of you are willing to endure some level of discomfort in life in order to achieve goals that are important to you. However, in other areas of life you seek a shortcut to your desired goal. If relationships and marriage are important to you, why would you want to usurp the process in order to engage in one outside of God’s will? If education is important to you, why would you seek a shortcut to avoid the process of learning? If growing spiritually is important to you, how can you justify not reading your Bible and spending time with God daily?

Don’t allow your flesh to convince you to do something that IS NOT in your best interest long-term. Focus solely on the Lord and your priorities will endure the process needed to attain the goals you desire.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Stunted Growth

Are you surrounded by people who speak negativity into your dreams and desires? Do you feel like your relationships are in a state of stagnancy? Have you ever wondered why you keep experiencing the same things over and over and over again?

My diagnosis is that you are going through something better known as ‘Stunted Growth.’ If you are experiencing ‘Stunted Growth,’ it is imperative that you perform an immediate assessment of the people you are influentially connected to and the ones that pour into your life. If you review the people on your list and don’t have the Lord as the primary source, an emergency transplant will be required. The core of your inner-being needs to re-wired, re-routed and connected to the true vine of life.

John 15:5, 5"I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.

When you are connected to the true vine of life, you receive the nourishment and nutrients needed to grow and mature. Many of you are wondering why ‘Stunted Growth’ has set in and the branches of your life haven’t started bearing fruit. Well, it’s because many of you are connected to the stereotypes of society, superficial realities of life, your friends, your job and your image with others.

Fortunately, when you transfer the source of your life over to the Lord, the manifestations of your dreams and aspirations will begin to bear fruit. You will no longer seek affirmation from the people around you and begin to place your desires, future and faith in the Lord.

John 15:7, 7"If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.

Once you are truly connected to the Lord, He will extend to you the petitions of your heart. There is something beautiful about being connected to the Lord and Him blessing you with the fruit of your dreams and desires. Keep your head up and realize that NO PERSON should be able to detour you from living life to its fullest. Get rid of ‘Stunted Growth’ so the rest of your life can become the best of your life.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Corporate vs Domestic

I had an interesting conversation with a close friend who is recently divorced. I asked him if he could do it again, what would he do differently this time around. He responded simply… “I would marry someone who is more nurturing than career focused. I understand my personality and recognize that I need someone more who desires to focus on family and life rather than career ascension.”

I began thinking to myself about which one I’d prefer, corporate or domestic. It definitely makes for an interesting discussion.

Workplace topic of the day…

Which one means more to you, career or family?
Is there a way to integrate both into a marriage relationship without compromise?
Based on your selection, are you aligning yourself properly for success in that area?

Thursday, October 23, 2008

All Hope is Lost for Women Over 30



I’m glad I’m not a woman who has progressed past the proverbial age of 30 without the slightest hint of a suitable marriage partner. Seemingly all hope is lost for women who fall into the category of over 30 seeking a husband! Why? You have been taught since an early age that life’s pinnacle is reached once you complete your education, establish your career and experience marriage which is the foundation to family. What many of the people feeding into your mind and spirit at an early age neglected to tell you was the first two goals could be accomplished independently; whereas, the last goal involves participation and cooperation from another responsible and willing human vessel.

It is very easy to buckle-down and focus individually on overachieving academically and professionally because many of the challenges you encounter can be overcome through personal motivation and perseverance. However, the process of joining with a lifemate is a bit more challenging and requires a touch of divine intervention. Interestingly enough, the inability to obtain marriage ‘on-demand’ is something that is now unconquerably frustrating the minds of women and driving down the self-esteem of many women across the country. This dilemma is being experienced not only in major cities like Atlanta, Chicago, Miami and Los Angeles, but also in smaller cities across America. The movie ‘Soulmates’ highlights many successful African-American women who have achieved success from an academic and professional standpoint, but yearn deeply to find the missing puzzle piece who may have been passed by during the process of pursuing greatness. Whose fault is it? You have done all that was asked in order to position yourself as a ‘good thing’ to be found as referenced in Proverbs 18:22. Whose fault is it? Being ashamed of achieving academic excellence in a time when men are unable to keep pace is displeasing. Whose fault is it? Having goals and dreams should not penalize you from experiencing the full-life you were taught to pursue. Is it your fault? I say absolutely not!

How does a woman rebound from a twisted perspective induced by today’s society and remain focused on the things in life that truly matter? Can I help you with this? Your breakthrough doesn’t lie in the form of the Oprah Winfrey show, Essence, Ebony or advice from your girlfriends. Your breakthrough will come after you decide to relinquish control of the very things that are not in your power (Matthew 6:33). You may be able to control your personal pursuit of academic excellence. You may be able to control positioning yourself for career opportunities through diligence and dedication. You may be able to control the process of superficially filling the void of marriage through your selfish pursuits. However, you cannot control the love-filled, God-honored, God-ordained union of marriage as described in Scripture because it is a GIFT arranged, orchestrated and confirmed by the Lord. All hope is not lost in your pursuit! You just have to shift your focus, take your hands off of the steering wheel and relinquish control back to the One who can change your life situations.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Devotional - Grace and Mercy

Below is a devotional written by a Chat Kafe contributor...


I had a conversation with a friend yesterday and it was explained that they felt at though God has forgotten about them. I can honestly say that I have had those same feelings from time to time and have had to go back a trace my steps to figure out why I was feeling that way. God places us in situations to show His strength. Not sure what message it was I heard, but the preacher was saying when you are at your weakest point the enemy should beware and watch out. God show out when we are weak so long as we surrender to Him. Had it not been for his grace where would I be was the question I asked myself this morning. Those times when we doubt God, those times when we’re feeling alone are the times we should cry out and seek His face. God’s good grace has sustained us this far, why should it fail us now!

“But as soon as they were at peace, your people again committed evil in your sight, and once more you let their enemies conquer them. Yet, whenever you people turned and cried to you again for help, you listened once more from heaven. In your wonderful mercy, you rescued them many times! You warned them to return to your Law, but they became proud and obstinate and disobeyed your commands. They did not follow your regulations, by which people will find life if only obey. They stubbornly turned their backs on you and refused to listen. In your love, you were patient with them for many years. You sent your Spirit, who warned them through the prophets. But still they wouldn’t listen! But in your great mercy, you did not destroy them completely or abandon them forever. What a gracious and merciful God you are!” Neh. 9:28-31

Though the problems in our lives seem to come back and if we were serving someone in the world they would have written us off by now. Our friends would get tired of hearing the same old stories and the same issues, but I know I am glad that I serve a God that allows me to come to his throne with the same garbage, the same issues and the same mess to receive his grace in my situation. You have to be willing to seek God and His instruction in whatever difficulty you have in life and be ready to adjust your behavior according to his instruction.

--Anonymous

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Diary of a Christian Black Man - The Dilemma

Married and Miserable vs Single and Sexless

Dear Lord,

I have come to the realization that our generation has some serious flaws and gaps as it relates to marriage and dating relationships. I look all around me and notice that the number of failed relationships and marriages seem to dwarf the number of positive relationships and marriages. Why is that Lord? Is it because black men decide that marriage doesn't seem worth the headache after having already committed? Is it because the number of men and women coming from stable two-parent households has pretty much become non-existent? Is it because black men like myself wait so long to consider marriage that selfish habits and ways settle in as roadblocks against our desire for marital bliss? Is it because many of the women we seem to attract give us the full experience of marriage-like privileges without the need for a ring or commitment?

As a black man, the options for evaluating the God-sent ONE seem to be numerous in quantity, but scarce in quality. The options appear in many shapes and sizes...they are Christian and Non-Christian, they represent various professions and educational backgrounds...and possess many skills and gifts. However, there is no amount of money, no level of beauty or no gift outside of Your love that can replace being blessed with THE ONE You have chosen for me.

My boy asked me to name the number of married couples between the ages of 25 and 40 years of age whose marriages I would model mine after. I couldn't really even answer the question with optimism, but came up with a very short list of individuals. Unfortunately, in the requested age group I can name way more couples who are married and miserable. Maybe I am focusing too myopically! My sad reality is married and miserable has become the unfortunate face of what bachelors like myself have in our presence to contaminate our thinking. If marriage is so good, then why are so many people trying to get out? Why do so many married people seem married and miserable? Has the enemy's selfishness crept in to disrupt what You have created as good? Do men and women stick around simply because they have become numb to their unhappiness? Why are single black women the only ones who seem gung ho about marriage? Is it because they've never tasted it before and once they do...the excitement will dissipate? Hmmmm....

The other alternative is to remain single and sexless. The Word of God speaks against premarital sex and preaches abstinence unless you begin to burn. Awwww dang...that's not the alternative I want to pursue long-term! Let me reflect and be realistic...I've had enough sex during my teenage, college and early adult years to last a lifetime so will I really miss it? Lord all I can say is please deliver me from me :). I don't want to become consumed by this season of life because each year of singleness adds to the already constructed wall of self-consumption in my life. Single and sexless...well this does allow me time to focus without the cloud of emotional entanglement associated with unauthorized sexual relationships. Lord You deserve so much more and at the end of the day it's not about me, but ultimately about giving You glory! I haven't received confirmation on a lifetime of singleness from You so I will continue developing myself, continue pursuing relationships and following You for my direction on marriage.

Prayer
Lord I seek to discover the purpose that you have for my life and pray and trust that you have included the marriage chapter that I desire so much. Allow me to surround myself with positive married role models that can help mentor me as I seek to explore that area of my life. I thank You for providing my parents and grandparents as role models for marriage. Despite what goes on around me I can always look home for the structure that is outlined in Your Word. Lord now I know You want to know if I'm willing to give up all I have for You? Lord I know You want to know if I'm willing to go places that may be uncomfortable? Lord I know You want to know if I'm willing to lay prostrate and worship you unashamedly and unconditionally? Well Lord the answer to all of Your aforementioned questions is YES YES YES!

4 Mistakes Women Make in Relationships

Here is an interesting perspective shared by a Chicago Pastor.

Chicago, IL (BlackNews.com) - In his first cover story for a national magazine, 33-year-old Pastor Patrick Shaffer speaks candidly about some of today's most pressing social issues. Featured in the October/November issue of Being Single magazine, the divorced Pastor of Chicago's City of Faith Christian Church openly discussed his effort to fight AIDS in the Black community and what he sees as the top 4 mistakes many women make in relationships.

While most Christian churches subscribe to the ideology that single Christians should not engage in sex before marriage, Pastor Patrick doesn't whole-heartedly agree with the traditional school of thought:

"Abstinence is the first verse of a whole song," Shaffer told Being Single. "With the majority of my congregation being women, I cannot preach a message that's strictly abstinence only. I believe it would be irresponsible to ignore the reality of people's lives and the HIV/AIDS statistics in our community," he said.

In the article, Shaffer says the Church has "blood on its hands" regarding the AIDS crisis due to the fact that it has "failed to have bold and courageous conversations about sex and sexuality."

On the issue of relationships, Shaffer told the magazine that there are four mistakes women often make:
1.) They see relationships as the answer to all their problems.
2.) They usually give up too much too soon, such as sex, money and their hearts.
3.) They get involved with men who are not their equal believing they can change them.
4.) Too many women exude a poor self-image. According to Pastor Patrick, "When a woman doesn't see herself as valuable, she will attract like-minded people into her life."

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

A Do-It-Yourself Guide to a Romantic and Highly Frugal Date Night

Here is an article that I felt was worthy of sharing with the group. Trent provides some ways to date economically!

October 8, 2008 @ 2:00 pm - Written by Trent

Whenever I talk about being married or the six years in which I was dating my wife, people always ask for suggestions on how to put together an interesting, romantic date without blowing a lot of money out on the town.

I’ve been collecting ideas and tips for a while and I’ve come up with some fairly modular options for coming up with a frugal romantic date. Choose one option from the “Dinner” section and the “Entertainment” section and then top it off with one item from the “Follow-Up” section.

Meal
Most dates usually involve the participants sharing food in some form or another. Many people immediately equate that to eating dinner at some expensive restaurant, and it’s an image that’s constantly perpetuated in pop culture. I invite you to think outside the box a little on this one. Here are six suggestions for doing things just a bit differently - it’ll make you stand out and save you quite a bit of money.

Date and Walnut Pie and Ice Cream by kspoddar on Flickr!Just eat dessert instead of a full meal Instead of going out to dinner, go out for dessert - it’s cheaper, can be a big change of pace from the usual dinner routine, and can show that you’re not uptight and trying to create some generic “perfect” date.

Prepare a home-cooked meal There’s a certain intimacy and care that comes from preparing a meal for your date. Dining in someone’s home, eating the food that they’ve worked on, introduces a connection that can’t be replicated in a restaurant. Plus, a wise food preparer can make a delicious meal without a strong financial cost. If you don’t know what you’re doing in the kitchen, stick with something simple - make a simple pasta dish, like spaghetti with a tomato basil sauce along with a salad.

Have a night picnic Another option that my wife and I used to do regularly in our dating days is to simply pack a picnic basket and eat outdoors together. Often, we’d do this at night, preferably out in the country, where we could lean back on our picnic blanket, look up at the stars, and talk about life.

Go to a community festival An evening at a community festival can often be a good way to not only entertain yourself for the evening, but eat on the cheap as well. You can often get a very inexpensive taste of local cultural fare, see a lot of interesting free events, and also have ample opportunity to talk and get to know each other better.

Use Restaurant.com or an Entertainment Book to find a strong discount on a dinner out You can often find heavily discounted gift certificates to restaurants using tools like Restaurant.com, Entertainment Books, local newspapers, and so on. Before you even consider taking your partner out on the town, do the research first and save yourself some significant coinage if you do decide to go out to eat.

Go to an “off the beaten path” place Another tactic for a cheap dinner date is to go to an unusual place far off the beaten path. My wife and I used to love to frequent small ethnic restaurants during our college and early professional years, where the two of us could eat an enormous, delicious ethnic meal for less than $10 - beverages and all.

Entertainment
But what else are you going to do on this date? Dinner’s fun, but going out on the town can be expensive, as can going out for a movie. Not only do they cost money, they can make for pretty boring and repetitive dates. Instead, why not save yourself some money and also step outside the box a little bit for something different? Here are thirteen options to do just that.

Go for a walk in an exciting place … or a romantic place In almost every community, there are areas that have a certain special flavor. Perhaps you have an area that’s particularly romantic at night - fountains, nice views, and some seclusion from noise and bustle. Or perhaps there’s an area with a very lively street culture that turns almost into a festival each night when the lights go down, with people performing in the street and interesting things going on everywhere. Just go for a walk in such an interesting place and enjoy the environment together.

Teach something Is there a skill you’ve acquired that the person you’re dating would love to learn? Spend the date teaching it in a safe and friendly way. Perhaps you’ve got martial arts experience and your date would like to learn some basic self-defense. Perhaps you’re a skilled painter and your partner’s always wanted to pick up a brush. Maybe you’re good with mechanics and your date has always wanted to know how to change the oil in a car. Instead of doing a typical date, teach your date how to do something. It’s intimate, special, and something your date’s not likely to forget.

Have a movie night You don’t even have to go out and rent one. Just mine the DVDs or VHS tapes that either of you own and watch something. Watch your date’s favorite movie - or your own. Have each of you pick out one and watch them both. Watch one you both know very well with the director’s commentary turned on. Pop some popcorn and kick back.

Go to a playground Seriously. Go to a playground in the late evening. Go on the swings. Slide down the slide. Spin on the merry-go-round. It’s a great way to reconnect with your childhood and spontaneously share that with your date.

Go to a place personally important to you This is a great thing to do if you’re starting to genuinely become close to your date and build a string relationship. Just take your date to a place genuinely important to you. Visit your parents, perhaps. Maybe just show your date where you grew up. Take your date to the spot where you spent countless hours reading during your teen years. Take your date to that old pasture out in the country where you used to go on picnics when you were little. Talk about it - open up a little.

Play board games My wife and I do this all the time after the kids go to bed. We just get out a bottle of wine, pour each of us a glass, and play a board game - Scrabble, Puerto Rico, Princes of Florence, Carcassonne, Power Grid, Acquire, or something else. We talk about our day while also hunkering down and really thinking about the game in front of us. It’s a great way to spend an evening and if you’ve already got the game in the closet, it’s basically free.

Go to the beach A nice long walk on the beach provides a great opportunity to get to know each other better in a quiet, peaceful setting. A rocky beach can provide a great opportunity to skip rocks together on the surf, or you can just sit on the sand, sharing stories and truths.

Go for a hike This can be a great activity for a weekend date during the day. Go hiking in a beautiful park area near you, walking to beautiful and secluded natural areas and enjoying the endorphins that the exercise brings forth in you.

Go on a “wandering walk” Another interesting thing to do along these lines is to simply go out your front door and walk in a random direction. If you happen to live in an interesting neighborhood, this can be very interesting, indeed. You can discover interesting things in your own neighborhood together with your date.

Volunteer together If your date has a social consciousness, you can often make an interesting date out of participating in a volunteer activity. One of the first dates I had with my wife was working as a volunteer at a youth lock-in - it was quite fun and it provided a great opportunity for the two of us to get to know each other while also providing a good time for youths.

Go to a poetry, book reading, or lecture Many libraries and other public places will have free public poetry or book readings in the evenings and these can provide intellectually meaty material to share with a date. College campuses are a great place to look for speakers on all topics as well.

Go on a brewery or winery tour This is another great option, particularly for an afternoon spent together. Many breweries and wineries will let you tour their facilities for free and will often cap it with a free sampling of their products. It’s a great way to spend an afternoon - my wife and I do this whenever we get the chance, actually.

Visit a museum, zoo, or historical site in your community Most communities have many such resources that are open to the public, often for free and sometimes open in the evenings, too. Take advantage of it - go take in some of the more interesting cultural aspects of the area in which you live.

Follow-Up
Many people follow up on a date with a simple phone call, which is fine, but you can really stand out (in a good way) with just a bit more effort - but not more money.

Follow through on something from the date If you pledged something during your date (like loaning a book or finding some old pictures), keep it in mind and make an effort to follow through with it. Then use that item as an opportunity to touch base with your date - and perhaps secure another one.

Drop off a handwritten note A simple blank notecard that says that you were just thinking of your date and how much you enjoyed it is a great way to keep the communication going in a personal way that only costs pennies.

Hand-pick some flowers When I was in college, I picked some fresh flowers in a field the day after a date, tied them together, and left them at my date’s door with a little note thanking her for a wonderful evening and a note to call me. That’s a lot more effective and personal than sending a note on Facebook. This is also a good way to start off a date as well.

Good luck with your romance! Just remember, it doesn’t have to kill your pocketbook.