What Would You Do?

Workplace topic of the week...

1. What would you do if your significant other never changed the things you desired him/her to change?

2. What would you do if the significant other God desires for you, is unlike the person you truly desire physically, economically or professionally?

3. What would you do if God communicated He would no longer bless you because had not done the last thing He asked of you?

4. What would you do if God asked you to leave your current place of comfort and requested you to participate in full-time missions endeavors?

5. What would you do if God told you that you would never have children?

6. What would you do if you found out you only had 60 days to live?

7. What would you do if were in a plane that was about to crash and could only make one phone call? Who would you call?

8. What would you do if you were granted one wish? What would it be?

9. What would you do if you could acquire an eternity of blessings by giving up your current 'things' such as your job, money, houses or cars today? Would you do it?

10. What would you do if God sat you down today and told you that He desires for you to remain unmarried for the rest of your life?

Is Jesus All It Takes?

I have been intrigued by the many bible thumpers (those professing to be more spiritual than everyone else) who often say that ALL relationships will be successful if he and she both ‘have Jesus.’ While I do agree with this perspective in theory, implementing this perspective into practice is a much more arduous task. In a personal relationship with Christ you attain salvation and begin the daily journey of personal life transformation. This individual relationship allows you to go through the ups and down of life inclusive of the lessons God wants YOU to experience. However, it is much deeper when you try to bring two individual followers of Christ together in pursuit of covenant relationship. How simple and awesome would it be to have successful marriages solely created by bringing two believers together? By the 55%+ divorce among evangelical Christians, we see that simply ‘having Jesus’ is not the only necessary element for experiencing successful relationships and marriages.

Please don’t mistake what I’m saying; a relationship with Christ is the most important foundational component of all relationships (Amos 3:3, 2 Corinthians 6:14-15). However, there are character, interpersonal and relational components that also play a part in building successful relationships and marriages involving two mutually exclusive individuals.

Do not be misled into thinking that if you find another believer, then marital bliss is right around the corner. If successfully coming together with a mate in a relationship was easy, then everyone would be doing it. Unfortunately, ‘having Jesus’ is only the beginning to a long journey of ongoing relationship maintenance and development. Following Jesus allows you to navigate through the ups and downs associated with relationship development. Don’t get discouraged…pack your bags and prepare for the journey because it is going to be fun!

An Essential Quality

On the heels of the workplace topic of the week posted on Monday, I ran into an interesting article on the Atlanta Journal and Constitution website regarding an annulled Muslim marriage. The article link is provided below…

http://www.ajc.com/news/content/news/stories//2008/09/23/virginity_lie_french.html

A Muslim couple who currently live in France had their marriage annulled in the court of law because the wife lied about being a virgin. According to the lower court, the annulment was justifiable because the wife misrepresented her ‘essential qualities’ to her husband. Of course I had to determine the definition of ‘essential qualities’ and have provided it below.

Essential Qualities – Basic, indispensable, or necessary elements of a person’s character or nature.

I sat at my desk in shock while reading this article and my homiletically stimulated mind began to turn apace. I thought to myself I wonder how many of today’s marriages would be overturned due to misrepresentation of ‘essential qualities?’ The most interesting aspect of this article centers on a marriage being annulled because of a person’s deceit regarding his/her physical ‘essential qualities,’ but I wonder how this could be applied to one’s spiritual or character ‘essential qualities.’

1. What areas do you think fall into the ‘essential qualities’ of a person? Is it love, success, money?
2. How many of us are being totally truthful about our ‘essential qualities?’
3. Do you think it’s fair to annul a marriage if you determine shortly into the marriage that the advertised ‘essential qualities’ of your mate were inaccurate?

Pick Two!

I have finally found a resolution for my mobile bloggin’ issues while I’m traveling :).

Here is your workplace topic for the week…

If you could choose two of the following spiritual traits for your relationship, which two would you choose and why?

1) Love, 2) joy, 3) peace, 4) patience, 5) kindness, 6) goodness, 7) faithfulness, 8) gentleness or 9) self-control

Think carefully about which two you’d select because you may be sacrificing something important in the process!

Changed or Suppressed???

Sorry for the delay in posting. I am currently out of town on business and having a terrible time blogging from my Blackberry.

I have a friend who was involved with a young lady for over 2 years and he became fed up with her inability to change in certain areas, jealousy and attitude. After several attempts at trying to work through the situation, he decided that it was best for them to go their separate ways.

(Fast forward 6 months...)

He and the young lady are back laying a foundation on which to build relationally. He told me that she has changed significantly in the two areas he once had a problem with. His question to me is, "Should I trust that she's truly changed in these two areas? Or is she suppressing her real feelings and emotions in order to get me back?"

What are your thoughts? How can you identify true change?

Is There Any Incentive for a Man to Desire Marriage?

Workplace topic of the week...

What incentives are there for a man to wanna marry a woman in today’s society?

*Disclaimer: I don’t agree with the following, but many guys inside and outside the church have expressed the following points…

1. Sex is freely distributed so there is no need to purchase a license (ring) for it.
2. If a man marries then cheating is considered adultery. If not, it’s just the nature of a man!
3. Marriage can result in giving up half of everything if it doesn’t work out, but remaining in a non-marital relationship is not as financially impactful.

Relationship Formula for Success

It is an undeniable truth that many of you desire to pursue relationships and experience the God-ordained covenant of marriage. In order to do so, there is a formula that embodies the totality of what relationships should be made up of:

God + Your Significant Other + You = The Success of Your Relationship

God
Fortunately, God is the same yesterday, today and forever more. As a result, you cannot and will not go wrong by putting your trust in Him. God serves as the anchor in your relationships if you allow Him to do so. As long as He remains your primary focus, you will be able to endure the highs and lows, ups and downs, good times and bad times of dealing with other human beings. Men and women have the ability to change…God does not! Without God, you will find yourself relying on your flesh to maneuver and operate through the everyday trials of relationships.

Your Significant Other
You have the opportunity to screen, interview and ultimately hire the person you allow into your life. Don’t be in a hurry, don’t ignore the red flags and don’t allow your emotions to assist in making life-changing decisions that you may regret later. Seek God’s guidance, take your time and enjoy the process of learning about your potential mate through the course of everyday life. Rushing to the altar is probably not the best answer! Allow your relationship to endure the various seasons of life so you have a better picture of what you are getting into long-term. Ask God to give you the spiritual discernment needed to make a wise decision.

You
Ultimately, you are the only person that you can control in all of your relationships. Take time to assess what you bring to the table in all of your relationships (workplace, family and male/female). You should set periodic assessment checkpoints to evaluate where you are in the following areas of life:
1) Spiritually – Where is your current relationship with God? Are you spending time with Him daily? Are you growing spiritually?
2) Emotionally – Have you purged the hurts of past experiences and relationships?
3) Physically – Are you taking care of yourself physically? When is the last time you had a physical? Do you exercise regularly?
4) Financially – Do you have your finances in order? Do you have a budget? Do you have a plan for eliminating your debt? Having a solid financial life doesn’t mean you need to make a lot of money. It means that you have control over the money you make.
5) Mentally – Are you continuing to develop yourself educationally? What was the last workshop, seminar or class you took to improve YOU?

Use the current season of your life to make yourself the best you can be. Don’t wait for Mr. or Mrs. Right to come into your life before you assess your personal areas for improvement. God is in the process of molding the person He would like to send you, but wants you to be prepared for who He sends. Life is short….live it up…be the best you can be!

5-minute Guide to Managing Debt

In a time where financial management has become a lost art, developing yourself into the mate who has learned to control yourself financially is one of the sexiest traits you can bring into a relationship. Unfortunately, too many men and women are unable to demonstrate this character trait, and today’s relationships/marriages are paying the price. My church just completed an empowerment series that focused on family, fitness, faith and finances. The finance portion was extremely insightful because it addressed an area that keeps most individuals and families in bondage. Wouldn’t it be nice to connect someone who was able to address this area prior to engaging in a relationship with you?

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that you have to earn a six-figure salary or sit with tens of thousands in assets. However, it is a realistic expectation to unite with someone who understands the value of money and cherishes the importance of planning, budgeting and limiting unnecessary expenditures. Do you need Bible? Galatians 5:23 mentions self-control as a manifestation of the fruit of the spirit. Do you need more Bible? Proverbs 13:22 tells us that we ought to leave an inheritance to our children’s children. How can we leave an inheritance to our children’s children if we don’t know where our money is going?

Here is some information that might be helpful to you if you desire to change your current financial situation:

At some point in our lives, most of us have borrowed too much. First, stop making excuses about why you're in debt. Put that energy into reducing your debt. Debt can be extremely stressful, so tell someone you're in financial trouble. If you can't talk to a family member or friend, contact an organization that deals with debt reduction, such as the nonprofit National Foundation for Credit Counseling. Then get a handle on how big your problem is. When you have no idea how much you owe, simply establishing a number is a critical first step.

Don't avoid the B-word
The best way to start reducing debt is to set up a budget, which is a good way of knowing exactly where your money going. You'll need to add up your income and subtract your expenses, then set up a plan. Be honest about your spending habits and you'll end up with a more realistic budget.
• Budget more than the minimum on credit card payments. Paying the minimum is better than nothing, but you wind up paying a lot more in interest as you chip away at the balances.
• Start an emergency fund -- a savings account that should grow to at least three months of expenses. Without an emergency fund, unexpected costs or loss of income can drive you deeper into debt.

What's your plan?
Use your budget to help you plan your debt-reduction strategy. List all of your debts, from the highest interest rate to the lowest. Aggressively pay down the highest-rate balances while making on-time minimum payments on the others. Your budget will dictate how much you can devote to paying down your balances each month. In addition, consider these tips:
• If you have the money in savings, pay off what you can.
• Use any extra cash -- bonuses, extra paychecks, etc. -- to pay down debts.
• Volunteer to work overtime, or get a second job.
If you can't earn more money, you'll need to spend less. Try these tips:
• Eat at home when possible. Avoid buying lattes and fast food.
• Go cash-only. After the bills are paid, allot yourself a certain amount of cash for gas, groceries, etc. When the cash is gone, the fun is done.
• Forgo premium cable-TV channels and high-speed Internet service. Your public library typically not only offers free Wi-Fi but computer access as well.

Consolidation is a dangerous road
As you grapple with repayment, the temptation is great to borrow from Peter to pay Paul in one lump sum. You might be better off paying your debts bit by bit.
• Consider consolidating your loans only if you have the discipline to not use your credit cards. Consolidation means you take out one loan to cover all of your existing payments. If you do transfer a balance from a card, destroy that card so you won't be tempted to run up the balance again.
• Don't use a home-equity loan to pay off credit card debt. Even if the home-equity rates are lower than your cards' interest rates, trouble looms if you run up your balances again.
• Don't borrow from your 401(k). The closer you get to retirement, the more you'll regret it.
• Skip credit-repair clinics that may charge you hundreds of dollars to fix your credit record.
• Don't stretch to buy a house, even if everyone tells you it's OK. Buying too much house could mean giving up other things you want: vacations, eating out or college for your kids.

Face up to your credit cards
Once you're out of debt, how can you stay that way? Of course, stick to your budget. In addition, figure out how to deal with credit cards, which likely got you into this mess in the first place.
• Stop charging right now.
• Cut up all but one of your cards, the one with the lowest interest rate. Use that card only for emergencies.
• If you continue to use your credit cards, pay in full every month and avoid interest charges altogether.
• Pull your credit reports once a year and check them for errors.
• Call your creditors and ask for lower rates.
• Leave your credit cards at home. Shop with a list and buy only what's on the list; don't be tempted by sale items you don't need.
• Don't use retail-store credit cards for the discounts. Chances are that card carries a high interest rate that you'll have to deal with if you don't pay off your balance each month.

Taken from: http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/SavingandDebt/ManageDebt/Your5MinuteGuideToManagingDebt.aspx

Do Opposites Really Attract?

While growing-up in Ohio, I was taught in my daily journey that younger men and women typically marry spouses who are very different from them; especially in terms of personal interests, hobbies, personalities, etc. Although their moral values and basic beliefs may be very similar, those who marry younger in life tend to marry those appear to be very different. However, people who marry later in life seemed to marry spouses who had a lot more in common with them.

1. Why do you think people tend to settle down with spouses who are more like themselves once they’re older?
2. Who do you find yourself attracted to, someone very similar or your complete opposite?
3. Have you had better experiences with individuals who have more in common with you?

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Should Sex Be Ignored?

Workplace topic for this week...

One of the top three reasons marriages end in divorce is infidelity (sex, intimacy, etc.). With this fact being known in today's relationships, should we focus more intentionally in getting the area of sex right? This idea poses a dilemma to those who follow the Bible's teachings because the Bible discourages sex before marriage. How do we deal with infidelity in relationships/marriages if we do not focus on the area of sex? Hmmmmm....

Please respond with your thoughts and comments!

Is Love a Fantasy or Reward?

Is 21st century love a fantasy or a reward for dedication, perseverance and hard work?

Television shows, movies and romance novels paint the experiences of love through fantasies seemingly available to anyone who desires them. However, are these sources of inspiration only spreading false hope to those mesmerized by the mere thought of becoming the lead character in their favorite fantasy? There are an abundance of hopeless romantics who live life with the expectation of realities that will never come to pass.

Does love at first sight really exist? Or should people focus more on love through relationship development?

Many men and women begin down the road of relationships pursuing the preconceived desires of love. Upon further reflection, usually when desperation begins, many recognize what they sought never really existed in modern day society. I recently had an opportunity to speak with a close friend of mine who referred to his current relationship as 'highly tolerable.' Unfortunately, this wasn't the first time I'd heard such a description of a relationship. Many people (especially men) are now approaching relationships with a perspective of tolerance rather than an expectation of bliss. Men are now opting to find women who serve as better life business partners, rather than those who fulfill the ever-elusive stereotype portrayed in movies, music videos and professional sports. Women are now opting for men who serve as emotional supporters, rather than the ever-elusive stereotype promoted via Essence, Ebony, Girlfriends, etc. Some people may argue that love fantasies come fewer in number than those that develop through hard work and dedication. What are your thoughts?

Is love a fulfillment of fantasy or a reward for hard work and dedication?

Are You a Gardener or a Consumer?

Here is a weekly newsletter article from Jimmie Evans of Marriage Today (www.marriagetoday.org). I thought this was helpful for those who are married and those desiring to be married.

______________________
We all marry imperfect people and we ourselves are imperfect. Even though that may seem like an obvious truth, many people become overwhelmed by the faults of their spouses. In fact, it is common for most of us to wonder if we married the right person at some point in time.

Of course, the devil loves to point out our spouse’s flaws and problems to us because he is the accuser. He works division within couples by constantly making accusations against each spouse. And because of the many flaws we all have, he has no shortage of ammunition to work with.

To stop the devil in his tracks and to keep our spouse’s faults from overwhelming us and damaging our marriage, we must adopt the correct mentality. I call it the gardener’s mentality. It is the opposite of the consumer’s mentality. Let me explain.

When a consumer buys something and brings it home and realizes there is a problem with it, he or she takes it back. As a consumer, we pay for something and we expect our money's worth. We take no responsibility for the problem the product was delivered to us with. We are consumers and expect service.

A gardener is a different breed. Say, for example, there is a tree or shrub in a gardener's care that is unhealthy or has problems. A true gardener doesn’t accuse the seller or reject the plant; he or she takes responsibility to do what is necessary to restore it to health. They ask themselves the question, “I wonder what I could be doing that would cause this problem?” Or if they had nothing to do with the problem they ask, “I wonder what I can do that will fix it and restore it to health?”

We all can thank God that related to us Jesus has a gardener’s mentality. Even though He is in no way responsible for our problems and we all come to Him messed up, He loves us and nurtures us to health. In Ephesians Chapter 5, men are charged with “nourishing and cherishing” their wives. Interestingly, those are both agricultural words. Even the word 'husband' is an agricultural term, i.e. husbandman.

Related to marriage, are you a gardener or a consumer? If you are a consumer, it means you are most likely impatient and frustrated with your spouse’s problems. You take no responsibility to do what you can to nurture your spouse or be God’s partner in redeeming them as Christ redeemed you. You are probably negative related to your marriage and think you’ve made a mistake.

If you are a gardener, you see the problems in your spouse, but view them much differently than a consumer. You are optimistic about them getting better because you are proactive and positive. Your caring behavior gives them the encouragement and loving atmosphere they need to get better. Also, your prayers and obedience become God’s tools for redeeming them and making them into the person they should be.

When I got married, I was a consumer. I was miserable and was totally convinced I made a mistake in marrying Karen. The devil used all of Karen’s faults to torment me and cause my shallow heart to reject her and fantasize about the woman I should have married.

Today, by God’s grace, I’m a gardener. When I see something in Karen that is wrong or I don’t like, I stop and ask myself, “Am I doing something to cause this and even if I’m not, what can I do to help her?” That change of attitude has had dramatically positive effects on our marriage.

Be a gardener and not a consumer when it comes to your marriage.

Private Property

I was speaking with a ministry buddy of mine the other day and we got into a conversational exchange regarding the importance of people purging past relationships before entering into new ones. Unfortunately, this practice doesn’t routinely take place, and modern day relationships are paying the price for our negligence. Both men and women are seeking regular occupants in the secret places of their lives that only God can sufficiently fill. The core of our being and who we are can only be built upon a relationship with God. He is the source of our being and the creator of all. Too many of us (men and women) have ‘unauthorized’ occupants in our lives. This becomes an issue because our past relationships continue to leave traces of people in the secret areas of our lives that are God’s private property. If you experience any of the following symptoms then you are probably suffering from ‘unauthorized occupant syndrome’: 1) Problems with Trust, 2) A Hardened Heart, 3) Lack of Desire for Love and/or 4) Drained Self-esteem.

This entry serves as notice to many who may have experienced some temporary setbacks in life. Please understand that God can resurrect the dead things in your life if you allow Him to reclaim occupancy in the private areas of your life. Stop allowing people access to inner courts of your life because most are unworthy and ill-equipped to accept that responsibility. Get back to the fundamentals of relationships: 1) Focus on your relationship with God, 2) Focus on your relationship with yourself and then 3) Focus on relationships with others. Invite God to come back into your life…even the areas you have tried to keep from Him. He wants to move the ‘stuff’ from the private property He has declared as His and will the post ‘Do Not Enter’ signs warning others to keep out :).