Personal Blog Transition

Hey Family,

I am making some changes for 2011 and transitioning my new blog posts to http://www.kennypugh.com. Please visit, sign-up & register to receive my updates in 2011.

Thanks for all of the support you've given to me in 2010.

KP

Can’t Be Friends – Wish We Never Did it!

I’ve had the privilege over the past two days to post discussion questions on the topic “Can men and women be friends?” At the surface the answer is very simple…”Of course they can be friends.” With all factors being equal, two grown, adult individuals should have no trouble maintaining a level of positive interaction while not approaching the emotional boundaries that typically send one of the involved parties into a state of desiring more.

Let’s be real for a minute…scenarios involving men and women, born of God and created with emotions seem to be a little more complex than vanilla question posed in the first sentence.

Back to reality…

I’ve recently become enamored with Trey Songz’ hit “Can’t Be Friends.” This song has a very nice flow, is pretty straightforward and encompasses so many emotions men and women embody when they find themselves connected to someone. I know the direct connotation of “I wish we never did it…” refers to crossing the physical boundaries of passion and allowing themselves to become in love/lust with the experiences. I would like to also take creative liberty to further expound upon this connotation. I’d like to offer-up that a lot people (including Christians) wished they had not fantasized about having an enhanced relationship with someone who God never cleared, certified or confirmed the mutual feelings with. Sometimes it is even more dangerous to allow one’s emotions to be tied to a self-initiated, tunnel vision view that so often results in a disappointing life experience…also known as heartbreak.

Do you know why disappointment settles into our lives? It is a result of our reality never reaching our expectations. Whenever our reality falls short of our unmanaged expectations disappointment is certain to occur.

Can men and women really be friends? Yes…but both have to have the maturity and selflessness required to ensure the emotional and physical boundaries are never breached. If either party finds themselves in an unhealthy state of mind, it may be in their best interest to retreat from the friendship in order to regain emotional stability. I’ve lost several friends due to an imbalance of how we viewed one another, but gained a level of respect for them because they knew the value in disconnecting from me in order to find stability. It is at this point that I feel led to include the super-spiritual advice of “Let God fill the void in your life,” but will refrain and advise that you “Allow God’s wisdom to steer you out of situations that are emotionally unhealthy for you.” However, if you are able to manage your emotional connection with the other person, then make the most of a friendship that may be used to teach you something in preparation for your future.

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YES…I’m Human Too!!!

I’ve been reflecting on the event(s) that have taken place over the past week and had to take an assessment of what I’m giving off. Accepting a call into ministry places the minister in a position where the public looks at him or her under a different lens. This is why it’s very dangerous for those who enter into ministry for other reasons other than to share the message of Christ. The old folks say that many are called, but only a few are chosen. Most ministers don’t run towards the call of ministry and most will tell you they actually tried to run away. The reason is because of the AWESOME responsibility associated with sharing God’s message with His people. I tried to elude my call into ministry for years before I actually relinquished control and surrendered unto Him.

Ministry extends a special perceived power to the vessel God calls and this power can be both positive and negative. Unfortunately, because of people’s humanity, some desire to use it to manipulate and take advantage of those seeking to find hope through messages that are supposedly shared from the “Word of God!” However, others recognize that when the message of God is shared from a God-focused perspective, it can help transform the lives of people forever by offering salvation, hope, love, peace and comfort.

I accepted my call into ministry because I understood that God is in control and wanted to allow myself to be used for the purpose He created me for. I realized that He designed and purposed me to leverage my past successes and failures in order to pour into the lives of unmarried Christians across the world. Fortunately, I’ve had the opportunity to speak at singles conferences, workshops, Sunday morning services, panel discussions and more. Despite all of the doors God has opened for me, I still take periodic looks in the mirror and remind myself that I’m human too.

I am a man born of a woman with few days and full of trouble (Job 14.1). By virtue of my humanity, I too have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God (Rom. 3:23). I have to be mindful about portraying an image that gives off an aura of perfection. Any ministry leader who operates with a pedestal mentality will ultimately fall or be struck down. God is jealous and won’t allow anyone to place himself/herself in a position to solicit worship.

I will continue blogging about my experiences, both positive and negative…I’m human too. I recognize the only vessel of perfection came in the person of Jesus Christ. I have and will continue to fall short, but won’t play God’s grace card as a reason to intentionally sin. I am a heterosexual man who is attracted to women. Because of my past experiences, I have to be very mindful of placing myself in compromising positions that may tempt me to cross the boundaries of purity. The same challenges unmarried Christians face in the journey of celibacy, I face and deal with daily too. I DO NOT desire to have people place me on a pedestal, but merely want to serve as an example for people to reference when and if they start to feel weary in the Christian walk.

I will continue preaching. I will continue speaking. I will continue promoting healthy relationships. I will continue teaching and facilitating workshops. I will continue learning to deal with temptations. I will continue living life daily by denying myself, taking up my cross and following Christ (Luke 9:23). But at the end of the day…I have to remember that I’m human too and need God’s continual mercy and grace.


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A New Season

Today marks the first day of Fall and I decided that it was time for me to make changes along with the season. I’m actually ashamed that I allowed the busyness of life to take me away from one of the things I thought was important to me…writing. Time will ultimately reveal if my writing is really a life passion or simply a fad. Se lah

I digress…

I never really paid attention to it, but it seems as if God was preparing me over the past couple of months for this change of season. For some reason I woke up this morning with an extreme sense of peace despite knowing something different is taking place in my life. As I posted via Facebook, I know I’m going through a purging process where it feels as if things are being shifted and removed from my life. This feeling seems very familiar and last time it occurred I ended up accepting my call into ministry, losing some ‘friends’ and making a vow of celibacy. It’s a great feeling to know God is able to provide a sense of peace during a time when I would have normally started to freak out (thinking back to 2004). I am humbled that my spiritual maturity has taken me to this place. I’m not sure if it was meant to correspond with today’s calendar change of seasons, but God seems to align things in a way that only He can receive the glory. A new season brings about opportunity for new experiences and new praise!

What is the moral of the story for you?
1. Recognize that God is always in control of life no matter what it looks like.
2. Give God praise in advance for the things that are taking place in your life even when they don’t feel good to you.
3. If everyday seems comfortable to you, then you have to ask if you are truly being expanded.
4. Be willing to sacrifice and let some things/people go in order to make room for the new things/people God wants to send your way.
5. When you begin to doubt, refer to point #1.

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Relationship Tip of the Week - July 7, 2010

Are your expectations too high? Disappointment occurs when your reality doesn’t meet your expectations. Have you set your bar of expectation so high that no one will ever be able to reach it? It is okay to have desires, but make sure that you are personally willing and able to live up to the criteria you have put in place. It is unacceptable to request that your mate be God-fearing, financially savvy and compassionate, if you ARE NOT striving towards those same goals.

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Relationship Intangibles

It’s hard to believe, but even after you have acquired a Bachelors, Masters or PhD, there is still no guarantee that your relationships will be successful. Many of us have been misled into thinking that a college degree, money in the bank, corporate career and prestigious awards are the foundation of successful relationships. Living here in Atlanta has allowed me to witness the rise and fall of many relationships based on ‘tangible things’. With the success many women are now experiencing academically and in their careers, there is a sense of expectancy that many of them carry into personal relationships. Newsflash…the intangibles (aka little things) are what make for successful long-term relationships. Intangibles can include, but are not limited to the following: 1) caring, 2) gentleness, 3) selflessness, 4) peace, 5) patience, 6) steadfastness, etc. How many of you evaluate your potential lifemates based on the above intangible characteristics?

Men with money and women with beauty are easy to find because they come in abundance. Will they be there for you when you are down and out? Will they remain with you after being laid-off from a job? Will they console you when you experience sadness in your life? Will they remain patient with you as you go through your personal growing pains? These are the questions you need to be able to answer when evaluating a potential mate.

My buddy put it best a long time ago when he recommended that I only accept applications from ‘B-students’ when searching for my wife. You may be asking yourself what is a B-Student? Glad you asked. A B-student is the one who never received an abundance of attention while in school, but always did quality work on every assignment. They are the ones who didn’t receive the top academic awards, but will always be successful in everything they do. What does this mean to you?

For men, A-students are the beautiful women who receive an abundance of attention everywhere they go. Many of them are only sustained by their beauty and have no self-esteem outside of their beauty. Why do men say the pretty girls bring the most drama along with them? Men say this because ‘pretty girls’ are sustained by external accolades and not internal sustained sufficiency.

For women, A-students are the overachieving men who are sustained by accomplishments and public acknowledgment. They lack the sensitive character makeup needed to be successful fathers and good husbands. A-students are able to provide for you financially and can buy you some pretty awesome gifts, but in the end…many will disappoint you.

The real question that you need to ask yourself is this…

Would I be happy growing old with this person with no money, possessions or public acknowledgments?


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Let’s Wait A While – Are You Worth The Wait?

In 1986, Janet Jackson came out with a popular hit titled “Let’s Wait A While” that took the country by storm. The words of the hit song used to epitomize the approach that ‘quality’ women took when dealing with men in dating and relationships. Unfortunately, things have shifted from “Let’s Wait A While” to a “have-to-have it” mentality.

The modern day approach is pretty predictable and standard. Man meets woman. They exchange information. They go out. Man taps into the mind of the woman. Proper mind tapping results in an open heart and open body experience. It’s usually that easy. Tupac stated it best in his song "I Get Around" when he said, "I don't want it if that's easy!" This can be better translated as "I won't want YOU if it's that easy!"

Now there is nothing wrong with the above formula as long as it’s with the person you are destined to spend your life with. However, the above equation has gone from a Hollywood fairytale experience, to a merry-go-round experience with the flavor of the week. Would you share your retirement account with someone who isn’t vested? Well, why treat your personal treasure with someone who isn’t licensed? Hmmm…

Have women taken on a more male-minded mentality when it comes to sex?
Do women have a ‘probation’ period before they release themselves physically to someone they’re dating?
Why NOT make men wait for the prize if you believe it’s worth it?

Why don’t men take a “Let’s Wait A While” approach when dealing with women?
Do men not respect women who make a commitment to saving their treasure for marriage?

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What Is Your True Relationship Value?

Everyday there are various magazine articles, blogs, radio and television programs dedicated to addressing the ‘epidemic’ of singleness in our society. We are entertained by a number of so-called ‘quality’ men and women who discuss their plights as to why each of them, as a quality candidate, still has the unlucky ‘I’m still single’ card. There are NEVER enough quality men to choose for women. There are ALWAYS too many ‘high potential’ women to sort through and make a commitment to for men.

As single listeners/viewers, we often place ourselves into their shoes wondering “Why am I still single?” We then begin thinking about the various things we perceive as qualities that should make ourselves attractive to the opposite sex. Unfortunately, too many of us have a higher self-appraisal of ourselves than what others are willing to view as true relationship value. Sort of like the homeowner who thinks their home is worth $400,000, when the true market value based on recent sales is really $300,000.

The question I pose to you today is “What is your true relationship value?”

How would you be rated in the following areas on a scale of 1-5? Rank the areas in order of importance for the person you would seriously consider as the husband/wife in your life. Meaning…what’s important for your mate to bring to the table?

1. Physical – What is your current physical status? Do you eat healthy? Physical attraction isn’t necessarily based on looks, but your ability to present yourself in a manner that accents you as an individual (i.e., via your attire, grooming, nails, etc.).
2. Professional – Are you where you desire to be professionally? If not, are you taking steps to achieve your goals? Or are you simply treading water working a JOB? Your professional life is something that should pursue and stabilize during your single season.
3. Financial – How are your financial management skills? Do you know how to balance a checkbook? How is your credit? Sound financial management isn’t based on how much you make, but your ability to properly manage what you do make. Finances are a major component to the health of marriages, so you need to be able to positively contribute in this area.
4. Social – Do you know how to have fun? Do people enjoy being around you? Or are you always negative? Can you enjoy the subtleties of life? Your social life helps bring enjoyment to healthy relationships.
5. Spiritual – Do you have a spiritual life? How important is it to you? Are you willing to compromise your beliefs for Mr./Mrs. Right? Your spiritual life is either seen as a major foundation or simply a nice to have in relationships.

Check your score:

25 – Try again…no one is perfect

21-24 – You are a great catch

16-20 – You are a good catch

11-15 – Needs improvement

6-10 – Destined for singleness

1-5 – Is a response really needed?

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Solo Mission

Last night I endured yet another evening of battling insomnia! These bouts are becoming more and more frequent, but I believe I’m still going through a process of preparation for something greater. To make matters worse, it seems as if God is pruning people out of my life so that I can truly embrace and appreciate His presence. It’s challenging enough going through a life season without any clear direction, but add in the factor of having no one to endure the journey along with you. Call it a solo mission!

No matter how much we try to avoid it, some things in life are meant to be experienced in isolation, in order to prepare you for the life journey ahead. Have you ever been in a situation where it seems as if every component of your life is being challenged? Challenged professionally? Challenged relationally? Challenged financially? Challenged spiritually? Well solo missions position you to trust God’s voice when you cannot trust your own vision. Faith is really irrelevant if you’re able to control your own life and the circumstances surrounding it. Take it from me, your life is comprised of solo missions that help shape the person you are and the person you’ll become.

How will you respond to your solo missions?

Will you fuss and complain?
Will you embrace the process?
Will you try to flee and escape?


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Separation for Our Preparation

“Nor did I go up to Jerusalem to see those who were apostles before I was, but I went immediately into Arabia and later returned to Damascus.” - Galatians 1:17

The apostle Paul tells us in the first chapter of Galatians some of the facts surrounding his own conversion. He tells us that he clearly understood the call Jesus placed on his life. He did not have to consult other men about this calling. But before he was released to begin his own mission, He went to Arabia for three years. Why did Paul have to go to Arabia for three years before he ever met another disciple of Jesus Christ?

The Scripture does not tell us plainly why Paul spent three years in Arabia. However, based upon many examples of God placing special calls on people's lives, we know it often requires a time of separation between the old life and the new life. No doubt, Paul had plenty of time to consider what had taken place in his life and time to develop an intimate knowledge and relationship with the newfound Savior. His life was about to change dramatically.

So often, when God places a call on one of His children, it requires a separation between the old life and the new life. There is a time of being away from the old in order to prepare the heart for what is ultimately coming. It can be a painful and difficult separation. Joseph was separated from his family. Jacob was sent to live with his uncle Laban. Moses was sent to the desert.

When God began a deeper work in my own life, it required a separation from all I had known before. He removed all that I had placed confidence in up to that point…money, my career, my party lifestyle and the most painful…the many members of my concubine (that one hurt). I was actually at a point in my life where things were actually lining-up socially, professionally, but something was still eating at me spiritually. God had a different idea. He removed all my creature comforts and security in order to accomplish a much greater work than what I could see at the time. The picture is clear now. I understand why it was necessary, but I didn't at the time. It is not until we learn how to serve Him that we ultimately position ourselves to receive what our Creator ultimately has for us. Think of yourselves as waiters in a restaurant where, as you are waiting, you continue to serve those who are patrons in your establishment (aka your life).

Perhaps God has placed you in your own period of separation. Perhaps you cannot make sense of the situation in which you find yourself. If you press into God during this time, He will reveal the many purposes He has for you. The key is pressing into Him. Merge into a deeper relationship with Him. Seek Him with a whole heart and He will be found. God may have a special calling and message He is building in your life right now. Trust in His love for you that He will fully complete the work He has started in you.

Corporately as the body of Christ and also personally, we are approaching the midway point of 2010. Continue to use this year as a point of reference in your life. I believe that we get separated in preparation for something greater to come. We deal with death, financial setbacks, job loss and personal health issues. However, despite the trials and tribulation in our lives we have to remember that the One who leads us to the life challenges is powerful enough to get us through them. Amen!

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Do Professional Women Face Dating Hurdles?

Dating for professional black women is one of the most interesting debates that we entertain in today’s social circles. In my opinion, I believe we have made the issue a lot larger than what it truly is because of the many books, movies and workplace discussions that deal with the subject. When truly evaluating the core issues at hand, the hurdles that professional black women have fishing in a relatively small dating pond are as follows:

1) Media Influence – The media has truly influenced the perspectives and self-views of many professional black women. When a message is conveyed over and over again, it often positions the recipients to begin embellishing the statements as truth. You hear messages regarding the issues professional black women face in dating via radio shows, blogs and magazines. This prompts the discussions between friends, co-workers and thus results in the perpetual mindsets that now exist. The reality is no matter if the statistics state that 42.7% of African-American women are unmarried, women have to realize that it only takes meeting ONE man to place them in the 57.3% category. However, if a negative mindset is embraced, then experiences usually follow.

2) Misconception of Men’s Views – There is a misconception that men are intimidated by the educational, professional and social statuses of successful black women. This is true when women are only exposed to groups of underconfident and immature men who lack motivation. If this seems to be the norm, then I recommend doing something different in order to get exposure to new circles of men. There are groups of men who desire to be men of integrity. There are men who desire to be married. There are men who embrace the professional and educational pursuits of black women. There are men who desire to love women unconditionally. The common misunderstanding of black men is “black men are intimidated by successful black women.” The success isn’t what disconnects men and women it’s the perceived attitude that is associated with the professional success and education. If two people make each other feel valued, then the relationship will work despite an educational or professional gap. Genuine love bridges the widest of gaps and eases the deepest of insecurities.

3) Misunderstanding of “Value” – Somewhere along the line of time our society lost the things that should be viewed and embraced as “valuable” in relationships. Say what you want, our grandparents were able to build long-lasting relationships not based on money, but on love and sacrifice. By having one another’s back through thick in thin. By understanding that sacrifice will get you further than a master’s degree, home or diversified financial portfolio. When you need someone to hug, to vent to or sacrifice during your time of need, a person’s net worth is irrelevant. Don’t get me wrong, it is important to have goals and pursue them, but not at the expense of losing a grip on what keeps relationships anchored.

Professional black women may encounter greater distractions in Atlanta than other cities, but this can be attributed to the social competition and materialism that exists. Smaller cities don’t typically have the same level of competition and thus a different relationship mindset exists.

Professional black women in Atlanta do face hurdles when dating, but much of it lies in the distance between their ears. A renewed mindset, confidence and an understanding of what is truly valued in relationships can make all the difference in dating and relationship experiences.

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Don't Get Mad...by Kimberly Bradford

Remember when you went to the doctor and right before they stuck the needle in your arm the nurse said, “You’re going to feel a little pinch”? Well get ready because this is about to sting a whole helluva lot!

Alright, so I guess this is what it took for me to get to typing… I just watched Nightline’s Why Successful Black Women Aren’t Married and I’m in an uproar.

When I first heard about this event I must admit I was hyped and I wanted to go but as the week went on, something inside said “maybe this isn’t for you.” I actually went to the venue and was going to meet up with a friend who was on the guest list but our signals were crossed and I ended up leaving instead of waiting around watching the line wrapped around the building move slowly. After the taping, I spoke with my friend and we talked about the night’s discussion and some of the key points that were highlighted in the Nightline broadcast. During our conversation it occurred to me that I was right about this topic not being something I agree with.

You know I love a good party but I absolutely refuse to accept, attend or host one of these asinine pity parties that they want to throw for Black women. I need to talk to my girls right now… Seriously ladies, some of ya’ll need to quit with all this talk about a man being “intimidated” by you and having these ridiculous laundry lists of must have’s that you conveniently throw up in a man’s face while screaming “I’M INDEPENDENT.”

Before any of you come back at me and say I’m placing the blame solely on the women hear me out. Music and these over-the-top television shows about being a housewife, which ironically don’t contain any actual housewives, have warped the mindset of so many women both young and old. How can you complain about being single when you’re wearing the term “independent” like it’s a badge of honor? Honey child listen, if you are single and you’re paying your bills, buying your own car/house and taking care of your essential needs you aren’t independent, you’re a woman who’s doing what she’s SUPPOSED to do. You don’t get a medal for doing that! Stop tripping! You think because you show up to work everyday that that qualifies you as a stellar employee? Girl please, you’re supposed to show up to work if you want a paycheck! Somewhere along the way women have forgotten how to be the beautiful creatures we were created to be. Many have turned into bitter, venom spitting vipers that look like they’ll bite off the head of a man if he even thinks about speaking to them. On the flip side, you scream independent but you want a man to take you to the mall and buy out the store. You won’t date a man who works in the factory assembling Mercedes because you want the man who drives one. Who needs a pimp when so many women pimp themselves very easily? Come on, get a grip.

We are so much better than what is being put out there ladies. If you truly desire to be in a successful relationship/marriage then I pray that God blesses you with your desires but it’s going to take some action on your part. Stop worrying about statistics, stop pointing the finger at men and take a look in the mirror. Could it be you’re single because of…You?

Do you even know who YOU are? Do you know what YOU want out of life? How can you expect a man to meet your standards when you haven’t even set or met any yourself?
Chuck D. and Public Enemy said it best, Don’t Believe the Hype!


--Kimberly Bradford

How to Put Humpty Dumpty's Brand Back Together Again

A person’s brand, i.e. reputation, is about as fragile as an eggshell. It takes a lot of time to nurture and develop that brand into something recognizable, valuable, and marketable. Regardless of the time and money spent, no brand is indestructible. If that person has a momentary (or on-going) character crisis, that brand can be shattered into a bunch of little fragments very quickly, just like Humpty’s shell.

Moral failures are nothing new. They have been happening since before human life began on the earth (remember Satan’s fall?). The difference now is that with the virus-like infiltration of technology and media into every area of our lives, we hear about these failures sooner, more often, and more in-depth than in the past. This is one of the reasons that people and companies spend incredible amounts of time, energy, talent, money, and creativity on brand development.

Brand development is a powerful way to package and present a person or company to the world. It is just unfortunate that the time spent embellishing one’s image has come at the expense of enhancing their character. Brand development as a substitution for character development will lead to terrible results.

Here is the link to the above article in its entirety:
Link: http://www.brothaonline.com/humpty.html

By Paul Wilson, Jr.

Which Man Are You? - Part 2

Thanks for joining me for part 2 of ‘Which Man Are You?’ As promised, I will conclude the categorical analysis I posted yesterday. To recap, we previously took a look at Mr. ‘Insecure,’ Mr. ‘Good Guy,’ Mr. ‘Bag Man’ and Mr. ‘Superficial’. For additional information on the aforementioned groups, please refer to my previous post.

As with the previous descriptions, men may fall into one or more of these categories and transition in and out based on various seasons in their lives. To be honest, I have found myself as Mr. ‘Insecure’, Mr. ‘Good Guy’ and Mr. ‘Bag Man’ at various points in my life. However, my relationship with God has given me the courage to acknowledge and address my shortcomings.

Without further delay, let’s look at the final four categories:

5. Mr. ‘Wolf in Sheep Clothing’ – I don’t want to give too much airtime to this group of individuals because it sickens me to think that this group exists in very large numbers. This individual presents himself as one of pure motives and exudes the confidence and interest that most women desire. However, upon further review, exploration and after a period of time, the truth about a wife or other lie finally comes to the surface. Why do you hide significant details about your relational status and life when you know that someone is going to get hurt in the end? Is it the thrill of adventure? Is it the desire to continuously upgrade? Remember that everything done in the dark eventually comes to light. If you struggle in this area, pray to God to establish order and commitment in your life. Families and relationships are being destroyed everyday and we need honesty and commitment to reappear as cornerstones in relationships.

6. Mr. ‘Fear of Commitment’ – Most men today find themselves in this category during the explorative phase in their lives. This individual gets enjoyment by being connected to women, but not being committed to them. I was one of the best at leading women down the ambiguous path of a relationship in search of something that would probably never appear. This individual finds fulfillment in building a ‘perfect’ woman through qualities of several different women in his life. It is an awesome fantasy to take bits and pieces of each person, and utilize the pieces to build what you view as a ‘perfect’ mate. The detriment to this approach is that you cater to a mentality that promotes perfection when individual perfection does not exist. In the process of creating mental perfection, you destroy the reality of what makes up our humanity. You typically find yourself in long drawn-out relationships that never make it past the boyfriend/girlfriend phase. You find yourself continuing to go out partying and being a social butterfly even though you have a ‘girlfriend’. You get really agitated and upset whenever the subject of relational permanency is initiated by your ‘girlfriend.’ In the end, Mr. ‘Fear of Commitment’ loves being associated with relationships, but you can never make-up your mind.

7. Mr. ‘Overconfident’ – If you specialize in telling others about yourself, then this is your category. Ever since you were born the world revolved around you. You got it going on, have the nice-paying corporate job or own your own successful business and have your pick of any woman (according to your own perception). Unfortunately, you never get a chance to acknowledge the value others can add to your life because you are only concerned about yourself and what others can do for you. There is nothing wrong with having a general level of overall confidence, but the problem occurs when you exceed the accepted level. You operate with sort of a barterer’s mentality, flashing material items and connections for the sole purpose of impressing and receiving from others. The unique thing about being Mr. ‘Overconfident’ is you probably don’t recognize it! Women are speaking negatively behind your back to others and you have no idea this opinion exists about you. If you have a hunch that this might be you, please consult a close female friend who will offer an unbiased response to your question. The good thing about being Mr. ‘Overconfident’ is that you only have to tone down your self-promotion a notch in order to cross back over to an attractive level of confidence.

8. Mr. ‘Good Catch’ – This is the man most women dream about, but have so much trouble recognizing because of the other men who co-exist. You are the one created by God and you are connected through a relationship with Him. You possess an unquenchable fire and passion to progress in life. Remaining stagnant in life is NOT an option. You continue the chivalrous gestures that once upon a time defined a true man. You set yourself apart with your patience and respect for women and others you come across. Your professions vary, but you are willing to work in order to provide for your family. You may be an attorney, a doctor, a salesman, teacher or truck driver. What matters most is that you understand your TRUE responsibility as a priest, provider, protector, comforter and/or father (if desired). Not only do you understand your responsibility, you VALUE this responsibility with open arms. Sisters dream about and yearn for your powerful presence and authoritative nature. You recognize your individual shortcomings and are willing to address them without shame. You are not afraid to express emotions when things have you down. REAL MEN DO CRY!

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Which Man Are You? - Part 1

Welcome to part 1 of ‘Which Man Are You?’ I have given the same amount of thought and consideration as I did when doing the categorical analysis for women. It is very important to understand the types of men that exist, so you can identify which category or categories you can most relate to. Many men often talk about the depth of issues our African-American women possess and how they impact our relationships. To be honest I am also one who contributed to this interactive male dialog without giving respect to the entire picture of duality in relationships. Generally speaking, the issues we possess may not seem as deep as those of women on the surface, but our issues appear in so many shapes, sizes and forms that I can now understand why women have a difficult time figuring us out. In football, the defense is often disguised and presented in inconspicuous manners in order to confuse the offense and more specifically the quarterback. Defenses change formations trying to hide whether they intend to blitz the quarterback or if they plan on playing zone coverage to protect territory. Well similarly, the way we present ourselves to women can serve as a disguise masking what our true intent or purpose is. Some of us approach women with an outward appearance of desiring a serious relationship. However, the outward appearance is a mask to the true desire of only wanting to have sex with them. In the end it leaves our sisters isolated, frustrated and confused. More importantly, someone has to deal with the result of our negligence.

Unfortunately, I was unable to condense the number of categories into manageable number that could be dealt with in one post. As a result, I have opted to do a two part series so the information can be digested easily. In thinking through the categories, I bounced thoughts off of both men and women to ensure that my perspective was not totally out of line with reality.

Without further adieu, let’s take a look at the first four categories that most men fall into. Please note that Mr. ‘Boy Toy’ (aka…the bootycall guy), Mr. ‘Socially Awkward’ (aka…the clumsy guy) and Mr. ‘Homosexual’ (aka…the one uninterested in women) have been excluded from this list because they are not viable candidates for relationships.

1. Mr. ‘Insecure’ – Contrary to popular belief, many of us possess characteristics that allow us to be associated with this category. Depending on who you are, it may be difficult to identify the extent to which you suffer from insecurity. Because of the negative perception of insecurity, we often try to only associate insecurity to individuals who are stalkers, those who pop-up unannounced, or those who have obsessive control issues. These are the extreme cases! However, insecurity in its more subtle form makes you ask questions like ‘Where are you going?’, ‘Who are you going with?’, ‘Why did you stay out so late?’, or ‘Why did you not call and check-in?’ Now these questions in their innocence are not bad questions, but when we ask them with an underlying insecure feeling in our hearts, then it demonstrates an insecurity issue. Let me be honest, we all fluctuate in and out of this category at various points in our lives. If you are unsure of your current status, then ponder the following questions: How would respond if your girlfriend or fiancée told you that she had lunch or dinner with a friend she used to date? How would you respond if you notice your girlfriend or fiancée having a friendly conversation with a co-worker that seems a little more in depth than just ‘normal’ conversation? What is your feeling when someone you are dating says she is going out with her friends? If these questions make you uneasy, then you probably suffer from a case of insecurity.

The signs of insecurity are individuals who display outward outbursts of abuse, excessive desire to control women and intimidation when women make more, have more or seem more successful than you. Also remember that the ‘little’ signs (hidden jealousy and inquisitive questioning) of insecurity are also detrimental to relationships. Placing full trust in the Lord, increasing self-confidence and opening-up the lines of communication are the best ways to overcome the vice of insecurity.

2. Mr. ‘Good Guy’ – I feel for those of you who fit into this group of individuals. Not because there is anything wrong with being a ‘good guy’, but because I used to be a part of this group and remember the frustrations. I clearly remember the day my high school sweetheart ‘broke-up’ with me because I never did anything wrong in her eyes as it related to our relationship. That one experience scarred me emotionally and it took considerable time for me to NOT intentionally provoke wrong-doing in my relationships :). It also contributed to my belief that all women like men that have some sort of ‘bad boy’ in their character (my view has since changed).

If you ask most women about men who fit into this category, you will find that most have nothing negative to say about them. If you continue looking underneath the surface, men who get the label of ‘good guy’ find it difficult to maintain serious long-term relationships. The real source of relationship issues for Mr. ‘Good Guy’ stem from the fact that women do not view them as strong leaders who they trust turning over the household to. They make decisions from the perspective of making people around them happy and not based on what is best for their relationships. They allow the requests of family, job and/or friends to override the needs of themselves and/or their relationships. They will typically do things that make other people happy, but inconvenience themselves in the process. Is this you?

If you fit into this category, then there is hope for you. Become more assertive in your decision-making and refrain from the desire of trying to make everyone around you ‘happy’. It will sometimes require you putting your foot down and making decisions that disappoint people. However, women love men who are able to make firm decisions and stand by them.

3. Mr. ‘Bag Man’ – I could cut and paste my entire entry from the ‘Are you the one?’ entry, but that would be too easy and trifling on my part. Mr. ‘Bag Man’ can be best defined as the individual who brings luggage into a relationship with no tag identifying what’s included in the bags. You are considered Mr. ‘Bag Man’ if you bring a child or children into a situation while having no intent on being a father or accountable to them. We all have made bad decisions in our lives and no one is exempt from the healing power of Jesus Christ. However, women deserve to know who you really are and have the right to make an informed decision whether to let you into their lives. They DO deserve to know if you have children and how many. They DO deserve to know if you are currently involved with someone else and to what extent. A major complaint from women is that men withhold key personal information about themselves with the intent of disclosing it at a later time. Here is a newsflash, if you have children, if you have a girlfriend or if you are in the middle of a divorce, then it’s relevant to disclose this information upfront. Life events are points of interest that should be disclosed early because they are concealed grenades capable of blowing-up relationships.

Many of us don’t acknowledge that we are also ‘Bag Men’ until we suffer a string of failed relationships. After further inspection, we see that our relationships are failing because we import past relationship hurts into our new relationships. When men encounter hurt, it is something that we carry along with us for an extended time because we have been conditioned to suppress our feelings and emotions. The direct result of this can be manifested in various forms inclusive of displaying a dawg’s mentality, or displaying poor communication skills. Show me a dawg (defined as man who takes advantage of and/or hurts women), and I’ll show you a link to a past hurtful relationship still hidden in his heart. Show me a man who hides his feelings and emotions, and I’ll show you someone who has opened-up in the past only to be emotionally hurt by a woman.

There is hope if you fall into this category. The first step is to ask God to step into your life and take control, the second step is to forgive yourself for feeling victimized, and the third step is to forgive those who have hurt you in the past. I have undergone this process and it’s extremely therapeutic. You will continue struggling with relationships unless you yield to yourself and turn control over to God. He forgave you despite your disobedience and transgressions toward Him. Because of the love He showed, you have an obligation to forgive others…no matter how much they hurt you.

4. Mr. ‘Superficial’ – Atlanta is probably in the top 3 cities that have a large population of Mr. ‘Superficials.’ I think many of us have gotten caught-up in the whole superficial phenomenon spurred on by television and society. Men have been conditioned to believe beauty is defined by the individuals spotlighted in the latest P. Diddy or R. Kelly video. As a result, men are now on the prowl for the next gorgeous woman he can put on his arm in order to receive external praise and affirmation from his peers. It took me a while, but I figured out that it takes more than beauty and sex to make a relationship worthwhile. I have had my share of beautiful women. I have had my share of ‘good sex’. I have had my share of women with corporate resumes people would kill for. However, at the end of the day, it takes much more than beauty and sex to make a successful relationship. Mr. and Mrs. ‘Superficial’ contribute highly to the divorce rate that our community is currently experiencing. I remember my mom emphatically telling me, “Don’t be blinded by the package things come in! Pretty packages sometimes contain nothing of substance on the inside.” If beauty and success are the chief cornerstones of successful relationships, then why do Hollywood celebrities, athletes and entertainers have trouble with marriages? You have to be open to women of all backgrounds because you never know what package God has created to provide a perfect relationship for your life.

Beauty and career achievements are great for resumes and social acknowledgements, but unconditional LOVE supersedes all. Don’t allow yourself to get caught-up on things of limited importance. Pay close attention to God and a person’s character. When unconditional love is added to the mix, you have the ingredients for a successful relationship.

Check back for part two of ‘Which Man Are You?’ Also, please subscribe to my blog to receive notification when future entries are posted.

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**All of my new blogs will be posted via http://www.kennypugh.com. Please visit http://www.kennypugh.com to receive my blog updates**

Become The One!

One of the most popular debates in the area of African-American singles is the perceived numerical imbalance between available men and women. Before I continue forward let me first put out this disclaimer. NOT EVERYONE WILL HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO EXPERIENCE MARRIAGE!!! You have to first resolve in your spirit that you are okay in your season of singleness and that you are content with the state God has placed you in. Once you accept whatever God’s Will is for your life, you are then eligible for the blessings that He wants to bestow upon you…which may include marriage :).

Now that I have gotten that out of the way let’s continue. In Atlanta, the women to men ratio ranges anywhere from 8:1 to 15:1, depending on the information source. On the surface the numbers look very lopsided and depressing, but I’d like to offer up another perspective…ARE YOU THE ONE??? It is very daunting for African-American sisters to agonize over the thought of having to compete with 7 to 14 other women for the shot at relationship with one man. Over the years I have entertained many discussions about this topic, but would like you to ponder the question ARE YOU THE ONE? As a male entrenched in the process of identifying and sorting through the many options that are available for black men, I have noticed that quantity of women is NO correlation to the QUALITY of available women. In evaluating the lopsided ratio of women to men, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that most women are unqualified candidates for long-term relationships. I know…men have issues too (I will deal with that in another post), but our issues can most of the time be isolated to fear of commitment or lack of desire to excel in life. For the sake of conversation let’s say the ratio of women to men is ~10 to 1. Let’s look at the typical categories that most of those 10 women fall into:

1. Low self-esteem – Men can sense when a woman is a member of the low self-esteem club. Wholeheartedly, quality men are NOT drawn to women with self-esteem issues because they are often considered liabilities in the big picture of life and relationships. Insecure and abusive ARE drawn to women with self-esteem issues because they are in search of someone they can control. Quality men like to know that they are yoked-up with a woman who is able to stand firm on her own and not demand/require constant affirmation. Now don’t get me wrong…a good man will sow words of encouragement into his woman and does not mind speaking life into her aspirations and goals. However, men would also like to know that they are in a partnership and not feel like they have a father-daughter component in their relationship. Women with low self esteem can be spotted typically as someone not having a strong male figure in their lives growing up (this statement is not absolute), someone who has been taken advantage of by loved ones and/or someone whose family structure never allowed them to feel valued. Women with self-esteem challenges should first get rooted in God’s Word so they are able to understand who they are in the eyes of God before seeking to connect with a man. This is beneficial for all parties involved.

2. Bag Lady – Unfortunately, men are not always accepting of women who bring children into the equation of relationships. Several of my closest friends have decided that they do not want have to deal with the inherited ‘baby’s daddy’ in developing long-term relationships with a woman. They want to be able to share the life event experience of having a child together for the first time and not feel as if its ‘old hat’ for the person they are with. On the flip side, there are many men (myself included) who do not have a problem developing a relationship with a woman who has children. The second bag lady group is comprised of women who seem as if they transition from one relationship to the next without disconnecting or purging themselves of ‘hazardous stuff’ (including trust issues, preconceived notions and old 'ex' memories) detrimental to future relationships. As the ‘internal time clock’ begins to tick in the lives of some of our African American women, we sometimes notice a haphazard transition from one relationship to another in search of Mr. Right. The danger of doing so leads to many negative articles of ‘luggage’ being transferred from one relationship to the next destroying possibility of success. Bag ladies need to embrace their season of singleness and allow God to purge the unhealthy thoughts, experiences and expectations from their lives.

3. Ms. Too Independent – You know Ms. Too Independent…she is college educated, volunteers in the community, earns a good living and is a faithful servant in the church. All of these things make up the beautiful resume shell that most men would kill for right??? Hold on…the aforementioned qualities ARE awesome and most men desire these in a mate. However, let’s insert the qualities that do not show up on the resume of that quality woman submitted for review by a potential mate: a) She is one with the inability to compromise on issues, b) she is one who lacks the helpmeet skills to make a man feel valued, c) she is the one who cannot cook or clean and demands to eat out all of the time and d) she is one who cannot properly channel the authoritative drive it takes to be successful in Corporate America. Just because you are an attorney, doctor, IT manager or marketing director does not mean you can carry the authoritative demands into the household. These are the negative qualities of black women that usually drive good black men away. Unfortunately, Ms. Too Independent makes up the bulk of seemingly qualified candidates who have it going on according to the expectations set forth by society. However, these women are considered false realities in the intimate circles of black men discussions. Ephesians 5:22 is a good verse to meditate on in preparation for a God-ordained relationship.

4. The One – This is the woman who carries the same characteristics that Ms. Too Independent possesses, but she is not overly flamboyant or loud about her personal resume or successes. She operates powerfully, but with a silent aura of confidence that gives no other choice but for a man to respect her. She is willing to go to bat for her man and shows desire to make a harmonious partner in the household. She exudes the Proverbs 31 woman and understands that progression towards becoming the woman God has called her to be is a continual process. She is able to get her man to open up, she offers a shoulder for him to cry on and does not act as if she ‘knows it all’. Men typically retract themselves into a shell if they feel their relationship partner lacks the listening skills that black men so desperately cry out for in relationships.

Parting Thought - Don’t concern yourself with societal ratios because that will surely depress you. Fortunately, our God does not work in the form of ratios or according to earthly odds. Continue developing yourself, building and allowing God to shape you so that you are the one!!!

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**All of my new blogs will be posted via http://www.kennypugh.com. Please visit http://www.kennypugh.com to receive my blog updates**

Why 'Contemporary Dating' Has Destroyed Our Society!

I’ve finally decided to post my personal stance on ‘contemporary dating.’ I have gone back and forth debating, arguing and persuading various individuals on my dating perspective with varying degrees of success. Because of the societal and cultural relevance of today, it is almost impossible to convert the thinking of the 20 and 30-year old individuals about something they personally practice. I once paraded around adamantly declaring my anti-dating stance, but was often met with opposition from others seeking to disprove my perspective. After deliberating the core discussion points between me and others, the main source(s) of contention centers on terminology and semantics. As a result of my review, I will modify my anti-dating stance and try to compromise in an effort to convey my perspective.

I will simply redefine my perspective as ‘purposeful dating’ versus today’s ‘contemporary dating’. Purposeful dating is more aligned with the old school mentality of getting to know someone before heading down the path of courtship (to be defined later). However, ‘contemporary dating’ is practiced by about 95% of today’s population. As a result, the ‘contemporary dating’ seems to be a significant contributor to today’s troubled relationships. There is no coincidence the lack of truly getting to know someone prior to holy matrimony has led to the inflated number of divorces we currently see in our society (50-60%). A friend and I were discussing the impact of divorce on our society and it relates to ‘contemporary dating.’ The first thing I find interesting is the lack of discrimination divorce has on our society. It cannot be traced 100% to race, economic class, religious association or profession. However, you can often trace divorce to two individuals who practiced ‘contemporary dating.’ The following constitutes the definition from which I base all of my research and evaluation.

Contemporary Dating – A casual relationship with no predefined purpose, initiated through casual acquaintance and often substantiated by physical appearance. This simply means that you met someone at the club, grocery store or any other place and felt your interest peaked by their physical appearance. However, physical appearances often lead you astray from a person’s character, which is the source of who they really are.

Casual sex, false love, selfish desire, displaced boundaries and miscalculated friendships are all characteristics of ‘contemporary dating’ and serve as catalysts that seek to uproot the foundation of true relationships. ‘Contemporary dating’ has left our society with the following for upcoming generations to overcome:
1. Increase in sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s)
2. Increase in the number children born out of wedlock
3. Increase in single-parent households (meaning parents of children born out of wedlock never decide to marry)
4. Increase in the number of divorces
5. Decrease in the number of healthy relationships to model after

Points 1, 2 and 3 can be directly correlated to the amount of casual sex that takes place as a result of ‘contemporary dating.’ Our society promotes sex as the personal fulfillment component within a relationship that can be participated in if two consenting people mutually agree. However, the problem with casual sex is it places a cloud over relationships, causing a natural detraction from fully nurturing and developing a relationship. It is virtually impossible for two people to remain on the same page relationally when the sex boundary has been crossed because of emotional attachment. Once sexual emotions enter into a relationship, it is difficult to balance the physical attachment (for men) and the emotional attachment (for women). As a result, we’ve seen ongoing relationship breakups leading to an increase in STD’s, unplanned pregnancies and single parenthood.

Points 4 and 5 can be attributed to two people never really getting a chance to learn and know one another prior to making a marital covenant. In today’s society, we might as well take the “until death do us part” clause out of the marriage ceremony. The following may work better:
- “until he or she gets on my nerves”
- “until he or she loses their job and finances get tight”
- “until he or she doesn’t satisfy me sexually”
- “until he or she no longer has the popularity or power they had when we first got married”

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Relationships are no longer a priority in our society as a result of ‘contemporary dating.’ Contemporary dating serves as an uncompromising, self-centered hobby that we can opt out of once we get upset or bored. We then take the opt-out clause into marriage where many people have chosen to invoke it. We keep practicing the same ritualistic habits, expecting a different result, which is the working definition of insanity.

I know you are probably thinking to yourself “What is the alternative?” Well...you'll have to listen to the Chat Kafe radio show (http://www.chatkafeonline.com)on Sundays from 6-8PM to glean some of the alternatives you have available.

Brought to you by Kenny Pugh, http://chatkafe.blogspot.com and Chat Kafe, http://www.chatkafeonline.com.

Do You Have Your Storm Survival Kit?

I continue to hear news about those personally going through trials and storms of life. I know it's so much easier to speak about storms while on the outside looking in, but I feel compelled to share something I gleaned from Scripture while enduring my own grey sky experience. Prayerfully, this will plant itself in your spirit to endure times when your flesh wants to take over.

In Matthew 7:24-27 Jesus speaks to us about the storms of life. He talks about how to weatherproof your home (life) from any natural or spiritual disaster.

24"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

What is interesting about this lesson is that the storm that Jesus mentioned did not discriminate between the two houses. The storms of our lives do not care if you're living in a $500,000.00 home or a $50,000.00 home. The storms of our lives do not care if you’re the CEO of a Fortune 500 company or a custodian at an office building. The storms of our lives do not care if you are the upper-class people in the community or the working-class people in the community. A storm will come against both the highly educated and the uneducated, the sick and those in good health. No matter who we are or who we think we are…storms of life will certainly come against all of us.

Jesus also provided a warning of where the storms will come from.
"25The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew."

The rain referenced in this verse represent problems originating from above; our companies, bosses, government and other community leaders. The rising streams represent the problems from below (our “flood”); our children and our subordinates. The blowing winds represent the problems that can originate from around us; our finances, our spouses, our “friends”, or even our own internal personal problems. Jesus was sure to mention that these storms would not just come from every direction, but what they would do when the storms showed up, "beat against that house." The positive thing about going through the storms of life, you will be tested unlike no other individual can test you.

The only difference in the two houses was not how they looked, nor the material that was used, but what they were built upon. “because it had its foundation on the rock.” Anything that we have can be lost in an instant. Everything that we have worked so hard for can instantaneously be taken away from us. The only way to survive life’s storms is to prepare your Storm Survival Kit for future use.

So here are a few items for your storm survival kit.
1. WORD. The Bible can be used to re-affirm that your house is indeed built on the Rock (Jesus Christ) as its foundation.
2. REVERENCE. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of Wisdom (Proverbs 1:7) This item cannot be purchased at Lowe’s or Home Depot.
3. SERVICE. Get up and do something for God! Especially, after all that He has done for you.
4. WORSHIP. Worship God in everything you do. Worship Him with ALL your heart, soul, mind, and strength. (Mark 12:30).

Remember…storms are a natural part of life and they will eventually hit all of us. You may not get hit by Hurricane Katrina like the people of New Orleans, but you will get an opportunity to face your own personally crafted storm. Death, layoff, family and marriage challenges are lurking just around the corner. Here is another guarantee…It is not a matter of IF you'll be hit, but WHEN you’ll be hit. Prepare your Storm Survival Kit now so that when you do get hit ...your house will survive the storm. AMEN!!!

Brought to you by Kenny Pugh, http://chatkafe.blogspot.com and Chat Kafe, http://www.chatkafeonline.com.

If It Doesn’t Fit Don’t Force It!

I have been reminded by God time and time again that only He has the ability to orchestrate the footsteps of our lives. Unfortunately, in a quest for personal focus on self and the desire to create successes on our own, we make the mistake of trying to validate something that He never ordained or blessed into existence.

I have taken much ridicule about the process I promote for relationship development. However, I continue to hold strongly to the view that we were never meant to ‘date’ according to the ways we see demonstrated in our current society. If the current method was working, then we would see a lot more success stories than we do. The way today’s dating model is constructed causes people to inadvertently put the cart before the horse. It is impossible to operate in a fully committed relationship without having some knowledge of the person you are connecting to. Thus, confirming the need to operate as friends before exploring any other level of relationship. I know…the dreaded ‘friend zone’ is one of discomfort and sometimes frustration, but it really does expose the true reality of who someone is. Also, the dreaded ‘friend zone’ gives you the benefit of assessing whether or not a relationship may truly ‘fit’ in the lives of two people.

- Do you want to learn how someone communicates? Allow them to operate in the ‘friend zone’ for a period.
- Do you want to learn how someone operates under adversity? Allow them to operate in the ‘friend zone’ for a period.
- Do you want to habits of a person? Allow them to operate in the ‘friend zone’ for a period.

The ‘friend zone’ gives two people the opportunity to build a foundation before adding any other complexities into the relationship (i.e., sex, commitment, other superficial expectations). The keys to relational success hinge on two individual’s ability to communicate effectively, operate under the same values and beliefs, and resolve conflict (see communication). Without these core pieces in place, a relationship will struggle. Fortunately, establishing a true friendship gives great insight on communication, beliefs, and conflict resolution.

The moral of this blog is simple...

Most failed relationships can be prevented if two people pay attention to the signs. If God reveals that a relationship isn’t a good fit, then don’t try and force it! Otherwise, you’ll only have yourself to blame for making an erroneous and anxious decision.

Brought to you by Kenny Pugh, http://chatkafe.blogspot.com and Chat Kafe, http://www.chatkafeonline.com.

My Life’s Credit Report

This blessed me and so I want to share with you...

If my life was a credit report and I was trying to obtain salvation, based on my score I wouldn’t get it. My history shows that I’ve been delinquent in praise, past due in prayer, my worship has been in collection and I’ve missed a few payments (tithes) or only paid half (you know how we put $20 in the basket and feel like we’ve done God a favor). Not to mention that my debt (sin) to income (blessings) ratio is to high. But I thank God that I was able to file bankruptcy (repentance) and it cleared me of all of my debt (sin). Now I have a co-signer (Jesus) whose score is FLAWLESS…..Not one blemish (sin) on his report. So now….now I QUALIFY for EVERYTHING!!!! Most importantly I’ve inherited eternal life and I didn’t have to put one penny down. All my closing costs were covered when Jesus laid down His life for me!!!! I hear that my future home has all of the upgrades too. Hardwood floors? Please!!! I’ll be walking on gold!

Thank you Lord for your unmerited mercy, grace and favor!!!

Author Unknown…

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Decisions of a Disciple

This past weekend was the first time in quite a while that I had an urge to actually go out to a club and have fun. It was Saturday night and I had been trapped in the house all day on Friday and most of Saturday due to the snow and ice Atlanta experienced throughout the week. I was scheduled to go hang out with some of my friends on Friday night to celebrate a birthday, but couldn’t get out of my immediate area due to ice on the streets.

However, Saturday night I had the urge to go out, like really, really, really go out and party. I wanted let my hair down and have some good old fun like most people in our society do. I’m not sure if it was a lapse in my spiritual armor, but the urge definitely caught my attention. It then came to my attention that no matter what ‘it’ was, I was not going to be able to participate. You see…once I accepted my call into ministry I forfeited the opportunity to do as the majority do. As a minister of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I have to provide an example that promotes the lifestyle of His Word no matter what I ‘want’ or ‘feel’ like doing. I do sometimes miss the option of partying at the local club to release the stress of my week. However, I know that my influence has the ability to cause someone to stumble if I’m not careful in the decisions I make personally.

I have an issue with preachers who ‘publicly’ flaunt around with a Heineken or Hennessy in their hands on Saturday night but then turn around and preach the Gospel on Sunday mornings. Notice I said walk around drinking publicly. If he/she desires to have a drink within the confines of their home or among other strong believers, then he/she should be able to do so. As a minister and Christian, we have to make decisions that won’t cause those around us to stumble.

Unfortunately, I am often ostracized from friend invites and sometimes shunned by those in the church because of the lifestyle I’ve chosen to live. It hurts to know that people may avoid being a part of the ministry I lead because I won’t support certain beliefs and/or behavior (clubbin’, sexin’, drinkin’ in excess, etc.). My beliefs have led me to be sometime labeled as a loner, boring and even funnier…GAY…LOL. I am in no way condemning the lifestyle choices of others because this entry is neither targeting homosexuality nor taking the role of judge. The reality is that I enjoy having fun like the next man. I enjoy beautiful women like the next man. I have sexual urges (toward women) just like the next man. I have just made a conscious decision to take road that will lead to a better destination.

I remember reading that making a decision to live for Christ will cause others, even those considered close to you, to resent/persecute you. As a result, I’m cool with being somewhat rejected because it lets me know that I’m walking in the same footsteps as Christ. What about you? se lah

Brought to you by Kenny Pugh, http://chatkafe.blogspot.com and Chat Kafe, http://www.chatkafeonline.com.

Cocoon Experience

It’s been a very interesting past couple of weeks for me. I approached the end of 2009 with every intention of hitting the ground running full speed ahead in 2010. Unfortunately, or fortunately, the Lord changed my agenda during my Christmas vacation in Miami, Florida. Isn’t it just like Him to flip the script on you just so you ultimately recognize Who is ultimately in control of life and its direction? Well…as always, it ended up being a time of preparation for what is going to take place in 2010. In other words God was placing me in a cocoon in order to prepare for the next level of my journey.

Upon my return to Atlanta I began contemplating on what ministry theme God wanted the single adult ministry of Elizabeth to follow in 2010. The one recurring theme that came up over and over and over again was that of ‘OBEDIENCE.’ It’s obvious that obedience is not one of those catchy, flashy or Hollywood-selling ideals, but it definitely speaks to self-discipline and reverencing the presence of God in your life.

As always when God wants to address something, He typically deals with the leader first. The first thing He instructed me to do as an act of obedience in closing out 2009 was to eliminate spending excess time on blogs, Twitter and Facebook. It’s definitely been an interesting twist in my life because I had become so attached to providing status updates and words of inspiration. However, during my cocoon experience, I have received much rest, peace of mind and life illumination. I am like a caterpillar being prepared for release as a butterfly. I am now better positioned to lead people forward in accomplishing great things in 2010. Isn’t it interesting how God uses cocoon experiences to reveal subtle things that can help transform a person’s life?

My cocoon experience led me to focus on living a life of total obedience. Are you willing to be obedient to God’s voice and direction?

Brought to you by Chat Kafe, http://www.chatkafeonline.com and
Kenny Pugh, http://chatkafe.blogspot.com.

How BIG is Your God?

- Have you recently hit a spiritual slump and having trouble getting out of it?
- Are you currently in a life slump and wonder why every time you try to take one step forward it feels like you end up taking 2 steps backward?
- Do you have some goals that you’d like to accomplish and don’t know where to begin?

Well if you find yourself in any of the aforementioned situations I want to pose one simple question to you this morning…How BIG is Your God?

In your private time today I’d like you to read Proverbs 3:5-6 where it reads “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight.”

During watch night (aka New Year’s Eve) service my Pastor spoke about “Going Into 2010 With a Mind to Win.” We can ALL share in the winning if we allow ourselves to embrace the idea of life being filled with peaks and valleys. We can also share in the winning if we are willing to trust that He is able to navigate us through the journey of overcoming our valley situations. How BIG is Your God?

He’s BIG enough to ensure you’re okay when periods of trouble seem to be present in your life.
He’s BIG enough to provide comfort during times of hurt in your life.
He’s BIG enough to know what trials you’ll encounter prior to you experiencing them and provide what you need to make it through the trials even when everything looks hopeless.

How BIG is your God?

He’s BIG enough to not need our help working through the situational details because He already has them under control. Do you trust Him? Do you really, really trust Him? Do you really, really, really trust Him?

Let’s take this approach to win in 2010…Let’s live in greater obedience of God. Let’s become convinced that He really is faithful enough, powerful enough, caring enough, loving enough and wise enough to do what His Word says He’ll do. His word says that He will never leave us nor forsake us (Joshua 1:5). That’s how big God is. So much so that if He doesn’t do what He says He will do then He’s no longer God. We need to know that He’s BIG—and that He knows what’s best for our lives, loves us even more than we love ourselves, and has a plan for all eternity.

To get an idea what God is really like examine Psalm 145

1 I will exalt you, my God the King;
I will praise your name for ever and ever.
2 Every day I will praise you
and extol your name for ever and ever.

3 Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;
his greatness no one can fathom.
4 One generation will commend your works to another;
they will tell of your mighty acts.
5 They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty,
and I will meditate on your wonderful works.
6 They will tell of the power of your awesome works,
and I will proclaim your great deeds.
7 They will celebrate your abundant goodness
and joyfully sing of your righteousness.

8 The LORD is gracious and compassionate,
slow to anger and rich in love.
9 The LORD is good to all;
he has compassion on all he has made.
10 All you have made will praise you, O LORD;
your saints will extol you.
11 They will tell of the glory of your kingdom
and speak of your might,
12 so that all men may know of your mighty acts
and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.
13 Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
and your dominion endures through all generations.

The LORD is faithful to all his promises
and loving toward all he has made.
14 The LORD upholds all those who fall
and lifts up all who are bowed down.
15 The eyes of all look to you,
and you give them their food at the proper time.
16 You open your hand
and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

17 The LORD is righteous in all his ways
and loving toward all he has made.
18 The LORD is near to all who call on him,
to all who call on him in truth.
19 He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
he hears their cry and saves them.
20 The LORD watches over all who love him,
but all the wicked he will destroy.

21 My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD.
Let every creature praise his holy name
for ever and ever.

- The Psalmist praises our BIG God for His “mighty acts” (Think about the things He’s brought you through, the people He’s delivered you from, the doors He’s opened for you)
- The Psalmist praises our BIG God for His “grace and compassion” (we are all beneficiaries of His grace)
- The Psalmist praises our BIG God for His “glorious splendor” (His presence is glorious in our lives)
- The Psalmist praises our BIG God because “He is faithful to all His promises” (His Word shall not return void)

How BIG is your God? He’s as BIG as you allow Him to manifest and be in your life. Take the box from around Him on this day and allow yourself to dream God-sized dreams instead of you-sized dreams. Se lah!

KP
(inspired by Rick Warren Worship Study)

Brought to you by Chat Kafe, http://www.chatkafeonline.com and
Kenny Pugh, http://chatkafe.blogspot.com.