I’ve finally decided to post my personal stance on ‘contemporary dating.’ I have gone back and forth debating, arguing and persuading various individuals on my dating perspective with varying degrees of success. Because of the societal and cultural relevance of today, it is almost impossible to convert the thinking of the 20 and 30-year old individuals about something they personally practice. I once paraded around adamantly declaring my anti-dating stance, but was often met with opposition from others seeking to disprove my perspective. After deliberating the core discussion points between me and others, the main source(s) of contention centers on terminology and semantics. As a result of my review, I will modify my anti-dating stance and try to compromise in an effort to convey my perspective.
I will simply redefine my perspective as ‘purposeful dating’ versus today’s ‘contemporary dating’. Purposeful dating is more aligned with the old school mentality of getting to know someone before heading down the path of courtship (to be defined later). However, ‘contemporary dating’ is practiced by about 95% of today’s population. As a result, the ‘contemporary dating’ seems to be a significant contributor to today’s troubled relationships. There is no coincidence the lack of truly getting to know someone prior to holy matrimony has led to the inflated number of divorces we currently see in our society (50-60%). A friend and I were discussing the impact of divorce on our society and it relates to ‘contemporary dating.’ The first thing I find interesting is the lack of discrimination divorce has on our society. It cannot be traced 100% to race, economic class, religious association or profession. However, you can often trace divorce to two individuals who practiced ‘contemporary dating.’ The following constitutes the definition from which I base all of my research and evaluation.
Contemporary Dating – A casual relationship with no predefined purpose, initiated through casual acquaintance and often substantiated by physical appearance. This simply means that you met someone at the club, grocery store or any other place and felt your interest peaked by their physical appearance. However, physical appearances often lead you astray from a person’s character, which is the source of who they really are.
Casual sex, false love, selfish desire, displaced boundaries and miscalculated friendships are all characteristics of ‘contemporary dating’ and serve as catalysts that seek to uproot the foundation of true relationships. ‘Contemporary dating’ has left our society with the following for upcoming generations to overcome:
1. Increase in sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s)
2. Increase in the number children born out of wedlock
3. Increase in single-parent households (meaning parents of children born out of wedlock never decide to marry)
4. Increase in the number of divorces
5. Decrease in the number of healthy relationships to model after
Points 1, 2 and 3 can be directly correlated to the amount of casual sex that takes place as a result of ‘contemporary dating.’ Our society promotes sex as the personal fulfillment component within a relationship that can be participated in if two consenting people mutually agree. However, the problem with casual sex is it places a cloud over relationships, causing a natural detraction from fully nurturing and developing a relationship. It is virtually impossible for two people to remain on the same page relationally when the sex boundary has been crossed because of emotional attachment. Once sexual emotions enter into a relationship, it is difficult to balance the physical attachment (for men) and the emotional attachment (for women). As a result, we’ve seen ongoing relationship breakups leading to an increase in STD’s, unplanned pregnancies and single parenthood.
Points 4 and 5 can be attributed to two people never really getting a chance to learn and know one another prior to making a marital covenant. In today’s society, we might as well take the “until death do us part” clause out of the marriage ceremony. The following may work better:
- “until he or she gets on my nerves”
- “until he or she loses their job and finances get tight”
- “until he or she doesn’t satisfy me sexually”
- “until he or she no longer has the popularity or power they had when we first got married”
I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Relationships are no longer a priority in our society as a result of ‘contemporary dating.’ Contemporary dating serves as an uncompromising, self-centered hobby that we can opt out of once we get upset or bored. We then take the opt-out clause into marriage where many people have chosen to invoke it. We keep practicing the same ritualistic habits, expecting a different result, which is the working definition of insanity.
I know you are probably thinking to yourself “What is the alternative?” Well...you'll have to listen to the Chat Kafe radio show (http://www.chatkafeonline.com)on Sundays from 6-8PM to glean some of the alternatives you have available.
Brought to you by Kenny Pugh, http://chatkafe.blogspot.com and Chat Kafe, http://www.chatkafeonline.com.
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5 comments:
KP-Tara here again (from the bi-racial marriage/dating post). Thought I would check this out again! HOORAY for someone who believes that a dating and marriage relationship is not the same as a just a lustful, simple relationship. My husband and I are very religious Christians (different faith than yourself, but I digress), and we dated each other-we didn't date each others bodies. We were both virgins when we met and both virgins when we got married. Not saying it wasn't hard to wait for both of us, but we think sex it for marriage only and complete fidelity once you are married. We have been married 12 years not, and along the way have had some MAJOR problems, fights, etc...But we still choose each other every day. We are committed to each and our kids. Divorce is NOT an option. You love someone for their good and bad qualities. That is the only way to make marriage work. Be trustworthy, be committed, have complete fidelity, loving, caring, work together. I am not saying marriage is not hard, it is. But work through it. Be the person you want THEM to be to you. Thanks KP-Tara
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Love this Kenny. I'm old skool..the thought process of contemporary dating leaves many hearts broken..leads to confusion and an overall decline in who we are spiritually. We must all realize there are larger issues at work..a destruction of family structure for not truly knowing typically leads to divorce. So many have selfish motives surrounding relationships. Time for change from the inward out..peace...b
I agree that "Contemporary Dating" is a complete waste of time. "Purposeful Dating" is the avenue every adult who's ready to settle down should be on. People who prefer "Contemporary Dating" love to revel in what I call the "gray area of confusion", there's no commitment so anything goes and if you're giving the milk (ie sex, companionship and other relationship perks) away for free, then there's no incentive to commit. So you're always dating until one of the daters finally decides they want to commit or decides they're ready to move on. It's good to set boundaries when dating such that everyone knows exactly what stage of the dating process they're in. I propose the following: Just talking? Go dutch on dates and give hugs to show affection; Just dating? Allow the man to pay if he insists, but if going dutch works for the couple, then go for it...for affection, hugs and kisses are appropriate; Just in a relationship? hugs and kisses are appropriate...celibacy is preferred, but to each it's own; Just married? Handle your business.lol.
Keep blogging! Do you have anymore articles similar to this?
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