I had the opportunity to speak with a friend last night about an uncomfortable situation she experienced regarding an ex-boyfriend. She and her ex-boyfriend had not communicated regularly since their breakup several years ago, but he recently reached out to her due to a death her family recently experienced. Even though the initial call was to serve as a source of encouragement, he used this as an opportunity to re-connect with someone he had history with. To complicate matters he contacted my friend again to share an intimate dream he recently had about her. Now this may not seem too out of the ordinary, but this ex-boyfriend is now married with a family. The nature and timing of his call were shocking and caused discomfort within the spirit of my friend. Fortunately, she did the right thing by not entertaining the conversation and not feeding into the potential trap that could have presented itself.
As I sat and listened to this scenario, I began to ponder the various men and women who remain in contact with individuals from their pasts. The above scenario highlights a married man approaching an ex-girlfriend. However, some married women are just as guilty of remaining too close with ex-boyfriends.
1. Is there anything wrong with remaining friends with ex-boyfriends or girlfriends?
2. Upon entering into a serious relationship, do you discuss past relationships of your mate and request boundaries to be implemented?
3. Are there dangers of remaining connected to an individual you have a history with?
4. If you are friends with an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, how do you keep the contact appropriate?
Remaining too close with someone you have history with serves as a potential source of discord and contention, which can lead to breached boundaries.
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4 comments:
1.Is there anything wrong with remaining friends with ex-boyfriends or girlfriends?
That to me is a yes and no answer we are to live peaceably with all men (Romans 12:18). However, living peaceably does not mean friendship up close and personal but if I see you on the street and we as Christians should be able to greet each other with a pleasant hello, how you doing and take care goodbye. Friendship with a spoonful of love fed from a long handle is what my grandmother used to call it. According to this post the ex-boyfriend is now married with a family. And he has an obligation to his family. The principle is that he/she is leaving old friends/family and relationships behind and cleaving unto his family unit. Matthew 26:41 says “watch and pray that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.” We have to be aware that temptation is all around us and in the most of innocent of relationships or the most subtle of opportunities it is available. We should be prayed up and ready for temptation as temptation is common to every man.
2. Upon entering into a serious relationship, do you discuss past relationships of your mate and request boundaries to be implemented?
Yes, discuss all past relationships with your mate. I had one friend who upon marriage gave up all their friendships with ex boyfriends because she was operating under leaving (family/friends relationships and cleaving unto her new family structure (her spouse) (Matthew: 5))She also did this because she did not want confusion to be at the onset of her union. God is not the author of confusion but of peace and order; As in practice in all the Churches of the saints (God’s people) (1 Corinthians 14:33).
We have to keep our heart with diligence. We as believers have to make sure we are focused (concentrating) on those desires that keep us on the right path. We have to put boundaries on desires and not go after everything we see. We have to remain focused and keep our eyes on the prize (goals) and don’t get sidetracked onto detours that can and may lead to temptation. (Proverbs 23-27)
3.Are there dangers of remaining connected to an individual you have a history with?
Yes there are dangers in remaining connected to an individual you have a history with. Proverbs 6:27 – 28 ask the best question. Can a man take fire in his bosom and his clothes not be burned? When you have a history with someone you are playing with fire and when playing with fire you are most often going to get burned. You learned this lesson as child best. Paul writes in 1 Corinthian 13:11, That when I was child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things. So now that I am wiser, better and a new creature in Christ I know better than to play with past history (temptation) as temptation (history) is not easy to overcome and can easily repeat itself. There is nothing new under the sun, (Ecclesiastes 1:9). Proverbs 28: Can one go upon hot coals and his feet not be burned? No matter how fast you go you will still feel the heat from the fire and afterwards your feet will still burn from the coals. First hand experience in my youth : ). Based on the scenario above it appears the gentleman was lusting after her because he expressed an intimate dream he had regarding her and 1 John 2: 16-17 warns us against lusting after the flesh because it is of this world. KJV -16. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not of the Father, but is of the world. 17. The world passeth away and the lust thereof: but he that doeth the will of God abideth forever. My life application Bible goes on to say that wordliness starts internally because it begins in the heart. It begins with 1. Lust of the flesh gratifying physical desires 2. materialism – lust of the eyes. Craving and desiring material things 3. Pride of life obsession with one’s status or importance. 1 Corinthians 15: 33 in my KJV Amplified Bible states “Do not be deceived and misled! Evil companionships (communication, association) corrupt and deprave good manners and morals and character. The ex-boyfriend’s communication was not meant for good as he is in a covenant relationship.
4.If you are friends with an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, how do you keep the contact appropriate?
No contact is appropriate because based on this senario the friendship was easily transformed into an inappropriate relationship when the boundary was breached. Lustful thoughts occurred and conversations about intimate dreams were shared and lines were crossed. It sounds as if the two were in a conversation alone and that is not option as this gentleman already has a wife. To avoid fornication, let every man hath his own wife and let every woman have her own husband (1 Corinthians 7:2) and alone time should not be an option because alone time brings opportunity for temptation. The ex-boyfriend in this situation is in a convenant relationship and should be drinking waters from his own maritial relationship. (Proverbs 5: 15-21). Those relationships have the suffix ex in front of the title for a reason and that door was shut for a reason.
I think that people in committed relationships should not have communication with an ex out of respect for the person they are currently in a relationship with. To prevent any suspicious behavior, it is best to make sure you do not put yourself in a situation where your partner questions your committment to the relationship. However, most people feel it's innocent to remain friends with an ex. There is a reason why that the person is your EX. The person (or you) crossed the line somewhere along that relationship which caused it to end. There is no "friendship". That is a person that you had an intimate (emotionally or otherwise) relationship with that ended.
The married man's actions were inappropriate, yet I don't believe it's always necessary to cut off all ties to our past in order to move forward. In fact, I believe that if that's the only way folk can do so, it's more of an avoidance strategy. Not avoidance of temptation, b/c it suggests an inability or lack of will to control potential desires. Moreso I find it to be an avoidance of finding peaceable resolution.
i disagree with swan's comments about the status of an old relationship. not all relationships end because one person crossed the line, and they don't all end badly. my last relationship ended because i came to grips that he was not the man God has for me. i prayed about it constantly and finally settled in my spirit with His decision for my life.
we ended amicably although it took him a while to understand why i had to end it. we've been friends for over a year since our relationship ended. he understood my position about boundaries with friends of the opposite sex whether or not that friend was an ex when we were a couple (those boundaries were for both of us). so he understands now that he's on the outside, what those boundaries still are as i'm in new dating situations.
i think that if both parties respect the other's relationship, it's ok to remain friends. that goes for an ex or any other friend of the opposite sex. once there's any sort of disrespect (late night calls, inappropriate comments, bad-mouthing of new girl/boyfriend, etc), that friendship in its current state would have to end.
not everyone can take such a handsoff approach, but i've been able to do so with no problem.
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