Below is an interesting article by Nancy Ortberg pertaining to marrying a non-Christian.
Question: Is it okay to marry a non-Christian?
Answer: I think you're asking the wrong question here. The real question should be, "Why would you want to marry a non-Christian?"
God's vision for marriage is that of a place where a "culture of two" is created. Marriage is about sharing our lives, and about the "oneness" that emerges from that shared culture. Marriage becomes the central situation in which we grow to become what God intends us to be, the context in which we also lovingly raise our children to know him.
A great marriage becomes a place of shelter, hope, and strength during difficult times, and a place of deep joy and thankfulness to God for all the goodness we experience. In my marriage, our shared belief in God provides a bedrock for the shared values that define our relationship and our family.
In light of God's vision for marriage, the question, "Is it a sin to marry a non-Christian?" reflects a willingness to settle. Marrying a non-Christian may, in the short run, bring satisfaction. But over time it's most likely to become a source of pain, given that your marriage can't be centered on Christ.
I know many women who now deeply regret their decision to marry a non-Christian. Most still love their husband, but they miss so much of what God intended their marriage to be. And if children are involved, the complications and heartaches in these marriages are even greater. One girlfriend's husband has asked her not to read Bible stories to their kids, or to pray with them. Any time she mentions God, he counters that God is a fantasy. Such comments from a father have a powerful impact on his children.
In answer to your question, yes, I do think it's a sin to marry a non-Christian. In 2 Corinthians 6:14, the apostle Paul says, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers." Eugene Peterson, author of a paraphrase of the Bible titled The Message, puts that same verse this way, "Don't become partners with those who reject God." Marriage is certainly a partnership, and when God says "don't" and we do, that's a sin.
But I also think the sin of marrying a non-Christian differs from a sin such as anger, which is something I might engage in daily. My guilt with that sin is ongoing. Once you've married someone who isn't a believer, I don't think God tallies that sin for every day of your marriage.
Knowing this, some women might be tempted to say, "OK, I get that this is a sin, but I really love this guy … and I'm not getting any younger … so maybe I'll just marry him, and then by the next day, it won't be a sin anymore." But remember, God's command not to be "unequally yoked" is there for your own good. God will certainly forgive you, and he can certainly redeem even the most broken of marriages, but you'll still have to live with the consequences of your decision.
Ultimately, choosing to wait is really a matter of faith. Of not settling. Of trusting God to sustain you, husband or no husband. And of sharing God's vision for marriage.
Nancy Ortberg is a church leadership consultant and popular speaker. Formerly a teaching pastor at Willow Creek Community Church in South Barrington, IL, she now lives in California with her husband, John. The couple has three children, Laura, Mallory, and John.
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- Kenny Pugh (aka KP)
- Often referred to as 'The Relationship Expert,' I have years of experience analyzing, counseling and advising hundreds of people on all types of relationship issues. As a member of Kappa Alpha Psi fraternity and former athlete, I had experiences with women of all different “flavors” (e.g., younger, older, wealthy, conservative, educated and hustlers) so I’m familiar with most games that men and women play with one another. I’m a converted player who made a life out of participating and manipulating various women all across the country. I’ve also witnessed the seduction and exploitation of women of all walks of life. Originally from Dayton, OH, I graduated from The Ohio State University and now currently reside in Atlanta, Georgia. Join me as I examine some of the challenges people encounter in the 21st century.
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9 comments:
I don't know how to start this post other than to be honest. I was led here tonight to post. All I can say is God is truly an AWESOME GOD! Though I do not completely understand again I step out on faith and my only desire is obedience. Greater is He that is in me, because when I say this is the hardest post by far for my flesh please believe me. Let me preface this by saying that when I started this journey I was led to two books of the Bible. Anybody's guess? Okay I will tell you : ) Job and Revelation. When this storm started I had no clue just how hard the winds would blow and during this storm I have truly had some moments in fact I had one just the other day when the tears were flowing pretty hard and running to hide looked pretty inviting, I placed my Bible in hand and I asked God to just give me direction. Well I was led back to Job and the tears fell harder because I understood the Lord was giving me that direction. In midst of those tears the one person I thought about only moments before called...my prayer partner and she gave me some words of encouragement!
So I am back today and again I do not completely understand because as I read this article, yes I thought of one of my family/friends(must protect the innocent) in this very situation, I also thought about how I do not agree with everything in this article as yes we are not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers however we can not completely dissociate with unbelievers because we would not be able to carry out Christ commandment to tell them about salvation (Matt 28:18-20). And even in the contents of marriage if a believer has married an unbeliever Paul still upholds the commitment of marriage (1 Corinthians 7:10-14) and advises them to stay together. Marriage is hard regardless but this just adds another level of difficultly to that marriage. I have some other problems with this article and I could go on but in writing this post and my concerns about this article, God lead me in another direction, so though again I do not completely understand I step out on faith and it was during the reading of God's Word that He revealed some things to me that maybe the issue I am facing is more about unbelief on some level. (Let me just say that before I started writing I prayed about what to write and what not to write because with writing you often lack the voice/tone the comment was written which leaves the writing open for misinterpretation.) To continue on God led me to John and dealt with me and showed me some things about unbelief. Then He led me back to the book of Revelation and revealed some more about unbelief. So it is through many tears and moments of fear and insanity I write this. However, I must say God equipped me because He had long since given me a word in 2 Timothy to combat those demons. I also must share that I was driving today I came across a sign and what caught my eye was the portion that read, "And they shall know that I am God" and for some reason I can't help but think in hindsight how appropriate for life application today as I make this post. Then the Lord led me back to the book of Revelation and showed me He is Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, the first and the last.(Revelation 22:13) Confirmation that the assignment is finished.
Happy-Happy Joy-Joy
I have read the article before and it's message still rings true. I agree with what the author wrote. Referring to the previous comment, true we do not totally disassociate ourselves from unbelievers because we are commanded to share the message of Christ. However when it comes to relationship, i.e. marriage, that is when you draw the line. Yes Paul said that marriage is honourable and that if a believer marries an unbeliever to stick it out (if it pleases that person to stay in it), but why put yourself through that when God clearly tells us not to. I know a woman whom I still consider a friend (even though she stopped communicating with me) who married an unbeliever. She is spiritually and physically taking a beating for it. She has had to deal with his infidelity,cursing,drug abuse,draining their bank accounts, and now her health is suffering. She prays for him to change,they divorced and remarried, and BOTH TIMES she said the LORD told her not to!!! She chose to settle instead of trusting God. She allowed her flesh and encouragement from people who told her that "time was running out" push her to marry a man fresh out of prison that she has to carry financially. Because of the time we spent together, I know that what she has now is not what she had hoped for. In a situation like this you can't take lemons and make lemonade. Everyday God allows me to live is a faith walk, a time to nurture my trust in Him. I have to trust that He knows what He's doing with my life. Yes, it gets lonely at times and I do desire to marry and have a family. However I dare not forfeit what God has for me. I do want a mariage and family that pleases God, elevates and builds the Kingdom, and in turn produces more soldiers for Christ! I know that if I married an unbeliever, he would do all he could to quench my fire for God and the ministry He's placed in my heart. Some would say, "But what if your lifestyle causes him to change?" Great, but GOD would really,REALLY have to send me a message that that man was placed in my life by GOD and I was being used as a vehicle to draw that man to Christ and YES he was definately going to be saved. As God's children, we are called to excellence and do all in excellence. We are supposed to be the proof that the Word of God is true and it works. The world laughs at us because we talk about faith yet we don't operate in it. How do we do that? By settling and yoking up with unbelievers because "we're not getting any younger", using the world's way to gain the world's riches. We neglect that we have the TRUE RICHES in Christ Jesus! So, the world feels they have no need to come to Jesus because the saints don't even have faith and trust in Him. Yep, they laugh at the rate of divorce in the church. I am hurt and angered by it. Even through the difficult times, times when I desire to be with the mate God has for me, I have to offer up the sacrifice of praise and ask God to keep me on the right path, give me the grace to wait. As for me and my house (spouse or not) we WILL serve the LORD!!! KG
In keeping with God's commandments, obviously there is no argument as to whether one should be married to a non-believer. The answer is NO. Our purpose for joining with any non-believer would be for the purpose of God using us to plant a seed in their life (being an encouragement to them) and for him to do the rest of the work. It's definitely not for the purpose of us just "kickin' it" with them because they are cool and most importantly not marriage.....that's surely an unequal yoke.
In being around anyone long enough either one person will bring the other up or one will bring the other down. If you are the believer used to encourage the non-believer in your life but you find that they are having more of the influence on YOU instead of the other way around, I believe one should retreat. I feel that you missed the mark on doing what God called for you to do in that relationship. If you stay in that relationship I feel it will greatly damage the believer spiritually.
I believe that we have to be able to assess every relationship asking God what he wants us to do in it. If we walk blindly of our purpose in our relationships we are more open to fall into Satan's traps. Remember, while God is working to use you, the enemy is working to use the non-believer as well. It's hard for a thief to rob you if you look for him to come.
We need to constantly pray for God's purpose in our life and everything we do. This will keep us thinking in the spirit and ahead of the enemy's snares.
Thanks happy-happy, KG and blessed for your contributions to this topic! Topics like this are presented as either confirmation or encouragement on how to stay the right course :)
That's a really interesting read. KP~ I know you can't speak for Ms. Ortberg, but I'd like to know how you interpret the term non-believer. I'm learning that mine seems to differ from that of many other Christians. To me that term describes those who are completely God-less and have no God of their own. Not necessarily those who just have their own God. I'm of the mindset that his Allah is my God, the next person's Jah, etc. And therefore I wonder why it wouldn't be our duty to minister through action versus eliminate from the possibility of a relationship.
Anon from 5/24@ 12:45 ~ So if the spouse was a Christian battling the same ills, do you think the journey would be easier, that God would facilitate her more in her uphill battle, the fight would be a more righteous pursuit/ she would be looked upon with more favor from God? Or would it just be to satisfy the externals (us as a judgmental society, those who see them in church or grocery store, etc.) I can't imagine that she'd be any less fervent and since I've known men who proclaim their Christianity with these same issues, I just wonder if your opinion is that then God would help them or him more. I'm curious because my initial thought is more along the lines of aren't we supposed to minister to those who are "lost" in the world.
mytwocents, I view the term non-believer as someone who DOES NOT believe in Jesus Christ as I do. The term unbelievers in Corinthians speaks to those who worship gods other than Jesus. I see your point as it relates to people with other faiths being 'believers' in their own individual way. However, from a Christian context, the term believer is specifically reserved for those who believe in Jesus Christ.
I also agree that we should minister to all individuals through our actions, but we can do that without establishing a family covenant relationship with them. Faith is primarily relevant when times of adversity come upon a relationship. It's okay for a muslim to be with a Christian, or a buddhist to be with a hindu when all is well in the relationship. However, when adversity hits, you cannot have two people calling upon different beliefs and gods in order to bring resolution to a problem. Family should be based on convenant, order and unity. Religious beliefs play a very important part in how these problems/conflicts are handled.
The Word of God according to the Bible says that "Jesus will never leave us nor forsake us." This means that He will be present with us during times of adversity. This is promising to know especially when the Lord as we know Him is the great "I AM", which means He is able to be whatever we need Him to be at various points in our lives. He is a healer when sickness comes upon us. He is a provider when we lack resources. He is a peacemaker when all hell is breaking loose in our lives. Because of this, I believe that followers of Christ are more prosperous. True Christians are unmoved by the rigors of the world and have faith that all situations are temporal! Hope this helps.
To mytwocents- Sure we are to minister to the lost, not marry them. And to answer your question I don't believe that God would show more favor in her struggle if her spouse was saved. I'm not saying that at all. She went into the marriage knowing full well what he was doing. At least if he were saved and believed God's Word, he would have a better blueprint for healing and living as opposed to continuing to do it the world's way. It rains on the just as well as the unjust. Just because 2 saved people marry doesn't mean that they will not be without problems,however they know Who to turn to in times of trouble. KG
KP- Thanks for clarifying the distinction!
Anon- Thank you for your candid response. I'm not necessarily advocating it, just wondered if your premise was that it would've been easier all around just b/c being a believer is simpler, just makes things easier. That seemed too simplistic to me.) But it seems you're saying that since the battles would've been fought from a commonground built on faith which facilitates the healing process and that's an idea that holds truer me. Many Blessings!
Looking back, ^^^ that is the most incoherent typing I've done in awhile, but I trust y'all get my point. :)
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