Relationship Tip - 5/30/08

In order to experience relationships like you never have before, you must be open to try things you have never tried before. You must be willing to sow into your relationships with an expectation that good things will manifest as a result of doing so.

- You must be willing to speak kindly to family members, even if they do not return the favor.

- You must be willing to show love to a co-worker, even if they are known for keeping drama stirred-up around them.

- You must be willing to go outside of your 'comfort zone' in evaluating personal relationships because doing things the same way often achieves the same results.

- You must be willing to trust God with a level of faith that is uncomfortable, so you can receive the blessings of God which seem unimaginable.

Sincerely,

KP

Can You Afford Not To Forgive? – Part 1

Matthew 18:22, Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”

Recently, I’ve had several discussions with individuals regarding their inability to forgive others who have transgressed against them. After reflecting upon those discussions, I’ve decided to do a blog series on the importance of exercising forgiveness as part of our daily walk. In order to set the foundation of my perspective, let me first define what forgiveness is.

Definitions

Forgiveness – The process of relating to an offence committed directly or indirectly by yourself or an individual and releasing them from it.

Here is another definition provided to me during a workshop I attended:

Forgiveness – Using God’s power to deal with the permissive will of God to accomplish the purposes of God.

When you do not forgive others who have wronged you it leads to a sense of bitterness in your overall spirit. Bitterness is a force of destruction and bondage that keeps you from experiencing the fullness and freedom God desires for you to have. Bitterness destroys people and relationships and makes you a prisoner to your hurts and hatred.

Forgiveness is a source of emotional health, freedom and release. Forgiving another has the power to set you free from the hurts of your past, inclusive of recent or long-term hurts and pains. Forgiveness is an act where you forfeit your right to hold another person accountable for the things they’ve done to you. More specifically, it means releasing that person from any obligation to ever reconcile with you.

The primary reason to forgive is because it allows you the opportunity to ‘love’ again! When you opt to not forgive others in your life, it manifests itself in a negative behavioral practice of bitterness. Bitterness leads to a stronghold of bondage in your life. Many people walk around daily not recognizing they are suffering from an unforgiving spirit. You can assess your potential for an unforgiving spirit by evaluating the following symptoms:

1. Emotional – These are symptoms that are festered internally
a. Bitterness -> Resentment
b. Hatred -> Extreme anger
c. Anger -> Mild displeasure
2. Behavioral – These are symptoms that are exhibited externally
a. Clamor -> Keep bringing up old occurrences
b. Evil Speaking -> Criticize and hateful speech
c. Malice -> Seeking to get even or intentionally harm

Do you possess any of the above symptoms toward an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, family member, friend or co-worker? If so, please stay tuned for the part 2 of ‘Can You Afford Not To Forgive?’

THE LANGUAGE OF HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS - By Bishop George G. Bloomer

Below is an article written by Bishop George Bloomer. It will serve as our workplace topic of the week. How healthy is your relationship language? This is helpful information for all of your relationships...workplace, family, church, general friends and intimate interactions.

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. (1 Corinthians 13:1)

Recently, I did a study on how the interpretation of words can have a significant impact upon relationships. It’s not only what you say to a person, but how you say it, as well as how the individual interprets the dialogue that determines the outcome of the union. Whether it’s with family members, spouses, or co-workers, we all need to learn the value of considering the audience before unintentionally invoking misunderstandings due to conversations being lost in translation.

Knowing your audience requires having a divine revelation of who you are speaking to and how that individual is going to translate what you’ve said. For instance, in Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" was misinterpreted as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead." I am sure that the problem was immediately rectified, but for many of us, we never get the chance to right the wrongs that are committed due to innocent misunderstandings.

Language in the Bible was so significant that in Genesis 11 “the whole earth was of one language, and of one speech,” but when they attempted to build a tower whose top would reach into Heaven, God stepped in and confused their language so that they would not understand one another’s speech. It is always better to consult God first rather than to risk wasting time to build something that goes against His will. Likewise, it is better to have a divine revelation of those around you before needlessly tearing down, in a moment, valuable relationships that have taken years to build.

10 Things an Effective Communicator Needs

1. Good listening skills. The worst thing that you can do in a conversation is to refuse to allow the person to whom you are talking to respond. Many misunderstandings are created simply because the one who is doing all the talking makes it impossible for the other party to hear. Why? Because normally a person who feels that he or she is not being listened to, will immediately shut the other person out. It’s much like two children who are on the play ground. One minute they’re best friends, and the next minute, one is giving her friend a piece of her mind, while the friend retaliates by covering her ears and antagonizing: “Blah, blah, blah...I can’t hear you!”
2. Transparency. When you are not being truthful or are purposely avoiding relevant points in your conversation, people will perceive you as dishonest.
3. Passion. When you are not passionate about what you believe in, you will be less likely to sway the opinions of others as well.
4. Organization. Appearing unorganized will come across as laziness. Others will question your motives and priorities.
5. Responsiveness. Be prepared to respond to the questions of others without appearing too defensive. When you come across as accusatory and combative, people will become offended and block out what you’re saying. Instead, be helpful and courteous in your responses, even if the listener disagrees with what you have to say.
6. Patience. It takes patience to get your point across. Not everyone will understand your point of view the first time that you explain it.
7. Humility. This is not to imply humility in the sense of subservience or appearing downtrodden, but rather, the ability to consider other people’s points of view and to weigh those views with fairness.
8. Assertiveness. If you are uncertain regarding your topic of conversation then others will be uncertain as to whether or not they should listen to you. Avoid coming across as double-minded and unstable. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
9. Clarity. Be able to articulate what you mean with precision. This can only be done by being educated with the proper information and knowing your audience.
10. Information. When you do not have the proper information you can not present a viable argument to support your claims. Nor can you engage the attention of those who are already somewhat knowledgeable of your topic of conversation. Instead, you will be perceived as a novice.

Remember, language—whether spoken or unspoken—is a very valuable tool in pointing out to others who you are. It reveals your concern for others or the lack thereof; your communicative ability; or your likes and dislikes. But when lost in translation language can unknowingly have unintended consequences. Husbands and wives fight everyday due to the miscommunication that is invoked by using the wrong language. Women, for instance, can often hear the unspoken things in a conversation that we, as men, are unaware that we are revealing. So when she becomes infuriated, walks away from the conversation and slams the door, he is left standing there wondering, “What did I say!” Something was unknowingly revealed to her in midst of the conversation that he is totally unaware that he has just said...though he didn’t really come out and say it.

Paul, in First Corinthians 2:2 declared, “For I determined not to know any thing among you, save Jesus Christ, and him crucified.” He makes it very clear that his priorities are with the Lord and he does not care to judge his brethren predicated on information regarding their flesh. He wanted to maintain his focus and not allow anything to prevent him from presenting the Gospel to them with unadulterated clarity. Just as people did not always agree with Paul, neither will they agree with all of your ideals and points of view; however, when you are clear concerning the language that you use to communicate with them, they have a greater respect for your ability to convey honesty and clarity void of the confusion that misunderstandings that the wrong language uses to destroy valuable relationships. Seek to know nothing, but the language of healthy relationships.

Unequally Yoked

Below is an interesting article by Nancy Ortberg pertaining to marrying a non-Christian.

Question: Is it okay to marry a non-Christian?

Answer: I think you're asking the wrong question here. The real question should be, "Why would you want to marry a non-Christian?"

God's vision for marriage is that of a place where a "culture of two" is created. Marriage is about sharing our lives, and about the "oneness" that emerges from that shared culture. Marriage becomes the central situation in which we grow to become what God intends us to be, the context in which we also lovingly raise our children to know him.

A great marriage becomes a place of shelter, hope, and strength during difficult times, and a place of deep joy and thankfulness to God for all the goodness we experience. In my marriage, our shared belief in God provides a bedrock for the shared values that define our relationship and our family.

In light of God's vision for marriage, the question, "Is it a sin to marry a non-Christian?" reflects a willingness to settle. Marrying a non-Christian may, in the short run, bring satisfaction. But over time it's most likely to become a source of pain, given that your marriage can't be centered on Christ.

I know many women who now deeply regret their decision to marry a non-Christian. Most still love their husband, but they miss so much of what God intended their marriage to be. And if children are involved, the complications and heartaches in these marriages are even greater. One girlfriend's husband has asked her not to read Bible stories to their kids, or to pray with them. Any time she mentions God, he counters that God is a fantasy. Such comments from a father have a powerful impact on his children.

In answer to your question, yes, I do think it's a sin to marry a non-Christian. In 2 Corinthians 6:14, the apostle Paul says, "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers." Eugene Peterson, author of a paraphrase of the Bible titled The Message, puts that same verse this way, "Don't become partners with those who reject God." Marriage is certainly a partnership, and when God says "don't" and we do, that's a sin.

But I also think the sin of marrying a non-Christian differs from a sin such as anger, which is something I might engage in daily. My guilt with that sin is ongoing. Once you've married someone who isn't a believer, I don't think God tallies that sin for every day of your marriage.

Knowing this, some women might be tempted to say, "OK, I get that this is a sin, but I really love this guy … and I'm not getting any younger … so maybe I'll just marry him, and then by the next day, it won't be a sin anymore." But remember, God's command not to be "unequally yoked" is there for your own good. God will certainly forgive you, and he can certainly redeem even the most broken of marriages, but you'll still have to live with the consequences of your decision.

Ultimately, choosing to wait is really a matter of faith. Of not settling. Of trusting God to sustain you, husband or no husband. And of sharing God's vision for marriage.

Nancy Ortberg is a church leadership consultant and popular speaker. Formerly a teaching pastor at Willow Creek Community Church in South Barrington, IL, she now lives in California with her husband, John. The couple has three children, Laura, Mallory, and John.

Relationship Tip - 5/22/08

Work towards being a giver in all of your relationships! Become a beacon of light that everyone can take notice of and enjoy being around. Do something nice today for a co-worker(s), whether it’s buying lunch or offering a word of encouragement. Take time to reach out to a family member and let them know that you love them and are thinking about them. Organize a group outing for you and your friends to participate in this weekend. Do something special for your significant other whether it’s cooking dinner, helping them relax or making weekend plans. Become a Christ-like influence in the lives of others and you will be rewarded for your obedience to the Great Commandment!

Relationships Are About Giving

Reflecting over the many relationships that have encountered turbulence during their tenure, it has been made clear to me through counseling others, many relationships fail because they lack a foundation based on giving. Please understand the TRUE foundation of successful relationships is based on Christ, but there are also other layers that play a part in successful relationships because of a Christ-centered focus. It is human nature to become selfish in our perspective on what we desire out of our relationships. However, by having a relationship with Christ it should be our understanding that we must first be a giver in all of our relationships. If you evaluate John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” When we look at the nature of our relationship with Christ, it was established because God gave Him to us as a gift. The gift was not provided to us because we did everything right. The gift was not provided to us because we were worthy of it. The gift was not provided to us because we deserved it. The gift was not provided to us because we would always agree with the direction He (God) would take us. The gift was provided to us because of God’s relationship and love towards us. I know you are thinking to yourself what does this mean to me? Well I’m glad you asked. Let me pause parenthetically to allow you to assess within yourself whether you have been a giver or taker in your relationships?

Let’s start with your family relationships…
1.) Do you GIVE love, respect and encouragement to those you are related to?
2.) When was the last time you offered advice to a relative who was struggling with something you have experience in? Have you helped a cousin apply and transition to college even though no one else in their household did?

Let’s look at your workplace relationships…
1.) Do you GIVE/contribute to the overall positive atmosphere in your workplace? Or do you sow seeds of discord and gossip in the office?
2.) If you disagree with how things are being done, do you offer-up solutions to the problem? Workplaces are full of unhappy people who can tell you everything that is wrong, but never offer-up ways to improve things.

Let’s look at your male/female relationships…
1.) Do you GIVE love, peace, patience goodness, etc. to your mate? Or are you always focused on what they haven’t GIVEN to you?
2.) Do you GIVE encouragement in areas where your partner is lacking? Or do you simply harbor the negatives they bring to the table in your relationship?
3.) Do you GIVE your partner an opportunity to change their behavior? Or do you bash them for not changing according to your personal timeline?

Let’s look at your relationship with Christ…
1.) Do you GIVE your time, talents and treasures? Christ gave of Himself and many of us repay Him by participating in adulteress relationships. We worship our jobs, we worship our material belongings and we worship our boyfriends/girlfriends. God wants a full-time relationship with us, but we choose to relegate Him visitation rights on Sundays, Wednesdays or Thursday (if we are able to make it) or when we are in trouble and need His assistance.
2.) Do you communicate with Him daily through prayer and/or His Word? This is an act of GIVING Him attention.
3.) Do you have talents/gifts (e.g. hospitality, singing, teaching) that you GIVE back to the kingdom?
4.) Do you GIVE your treasure for the furtherance of kingdom work? Or do you spend it all up selfishly at Lenox, Phipps Plaza or any other mall you see fit :).

Could God be holding back Mr. or Mrs. Right in your life because you have not fully grasped the idea of what it means to give in a relationship beginning with Him? Giving is NOT an option in a relationship, but a requirement. Hmmmm…just a little something to think about!

What If Marriage Is Not Your Calling?

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Workplace topic of the week...

How do you deal with the potential reality of marriage NOT being a calling for your life?

The reality is, if we tried to match every woman and every man together for marriage relationships, we would eventually run out of men due to women currently outnumbering men in our country. I know this is depressing ladies, but consider this...

1. God has created some women who never desire to marry.
2. There is another group of women who are unprepared for successful marriages.
3. You only have yourself to develop in order to be the ONE for a mate. You should never concern yourself with everyone else because God has His own unique plan for you.
4. God doesn't work according to worldly odds. It only takes ONE man to satisfy the requirement for a godly marriage partner.

For men it is sometimes challenging to sort through the many options who present themselves to you, but consider this...

1. Most women will eliminate themselves as viable mates due to the behavior they exude during the courting process.
2. You can only really assess one woman at a time. Dating multiple women at one time has a tendency to blur your focus.
3. You have to do the mate finding in order to obtain FAVOR from the Lord. Sitting back casually forces the roles to reverse, which is unbiblical.
4. You have to focus on preparing yourself to be the priest of the household. God will send the woman you need to pursue after you have shown yourself to be worthy.

Here are my personal thoughts...

- If marriage is not the calling for your life, then God will begin to gradually divert your attention from that area of your life and direct it somewhere else.
- If marriage is not the calling for your life, then God will allow you to choose potential mates according to your own will and not according to His will. This will result in ongoing disappointment and a loss of motivation for marital bliss.
- If marriage is not the calling for your life, then God will orchestrate a life-situation that causes you to accept singleness as your personal ministry.

Are You Prepared To Receive

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Workplace topic of the week…

Many people today ponder the question, “When will I meet the person I will spend the rest of my life with?” The better question for people really to consider is, “Am I really prepared to receive the person I will spend the rest of my life with?”

There are a few areas of your life that should be ongoing works in process in preparation for your life mate.

1. Spiritual – Do you read God’s Word and fellowship with Him regularly? Why would God send you a mate when you haven’t established a regular relationship with Him? Are you asking God to send you a mate when you can’t even commit to Him? (James 1:7-9, Psalm 107:1-2)

2. Physical – Do you take care of yourself? Do you get enough sleep to remain healthy? Do you eat healthy and regularly? Do you exercise regularly to stay in shape? When is the last time you have had a medical checkup and dental exam? (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

3. Professional – Do you have a plan to continue growing professionally? Or are you comfortable with simply having a job? (2 Timothy 2:15)

4. Financial – Do you know what your credit score is? Do you operate from a financial budget? How deep is your debt and would someone feel comfortable connecting to you and your current debt situation? (Proverbs 3:9-10, Matthew 6:33)

5. Social – Are you a homebody and not open to social things? Do you fellowship with friends? Do you participate in church, professional and/or friend gatherings? (Deuteronomy 6:4-6, Acts 2:46-47, Proverbs 27:17)

6. Mental – Do you read regularly or is your growth based on television? Do you have any hobbies or outlets for your stress? (1 Timothy 4:13-16, Colossians 3:23)

Summary: Be sure to make specific areas of weakness and need known to God. Allow Him to continue working and maturing you in those areas while preparing you to become the best you can be for your mate. Two broken vessels coming together does not equal a whole relationship. However, two whole vessels coming together will result in one strong relationship. Life is too short for you to become complacent in your thinking and being. Continue moving forward in life because there is so much God wants you to experience. Do not allow life to be taken for granted!

A Day in the Mind of KP

I have received countless e-mails and comments regarding my personal pursuits of relationship. I would like to first offer-up that over the past several years I had no interest in becoming involved in a relationship. I had been scarred, heart-broken and totally disengaged from the idea of marriage. However, that is where God stepped onto the scene and caused me to check myself. I needed to become comfortable with myself again so that I could be used in a positive way by Him. There was a personal ‘detox’ that needed to take place in my mind, heart and spirit. Fortunately, I opened myself up to Him and let Him have His way in my life. The messages I preach about appreciating your season of singleness come from personal experience. Until you learn how to appreciate yourself, God’s work in you and the purpose He has for you, you will never achieve the abundant life He desires for you. My personal time away from relationships has allowed me to become proficient in analyzing, evaluating and counseling people through their issues. Five years of isolation and years of selfish relationship allowed me to formulate my current theory of What NOT-to-DO. You are simply beneficiaries of years of research and bad decisions made by my friends as well as myself.

I created this blog to help people build effective and healthy relationships and restore Kingdom families. I do not want anyone thinking that Chat Kafe with KP is my personal platform to boast and promote myself. Life is too short for egos and personal selfishness. Our society is decaying relationally at an alarming rate. I am tired of seeing relationships fail because two broken people try to come together as a solution to their issues. I am tired of seeing selfishness serve as the catalyst of destroying marriages. I am tired of children having to endure the pain of being separated like personal assets because their parents were unwilling to workout their personal differences. Those children end up harboring pain in their hearts and transfer the pain into future relationships. Enough is enough!!!

I want to serve as a vessel to promoting and building a foundation to healthy relationships. My perspectives may seem radical at times and that is okay. Vision allows me to see something that others cannot. My vision desires the following:

 More men and women desiring monogamous committed relationships
 More unmarried men and women serving in the Kingdom and in the community
 More men and women focused on giving to others rather than taking for themselves
 More open public communication about relationship issues

 No more failed marriages due to irreconcilable differences
 No more hurt women at the hands of irresponsible men
 No more children growing up in single parent households
 No more unhealthy relationships because of ignorance

Let me also dispel a misconception that is floating around about how I have everything together in my life relationally. I have allowed myself to appear perfect, untouchable and I sometimes put up the façade that I don’t love, hurt, laugh or desire happiness like everyone else. This perspective could not be farther from the truth. I have made some relational mistakes in life…even during my ministerial tenure. I am a very private person and often keep these things to myself or within my circle of accountability partners (notice…I said my accountability partners). This means that I too have an outside support group that helps me sort through my personal relationship dilemmas when I cannot come to a clear understanding on my own. Just because I coach people doesn’t mean that I don’t need to be coached. It is easier to see clearly outside of a situation than when you are in the middle of it.

For those of you who are interested in how I’m pursuing a ‘good woman’, understand that there are many good women out in the world. I have contemplated and considered approaching a few of the good women I know personally. However, as I often preach…there is a difference between a ‘good woman’ and the ‘good woman for me.’ I have stepped out of my comfort zone and only time will tell if the ‘good woman for me’ has already been found ;). Peace and blessings to you!

Relationship Tip - 5/7/2008

Communication is a two-way street. In order to have effective communication, two people have to be willing to participate. If one person is disengaged, then your conversation will more than likely end in conflict. Also, remember the art of listening...you cannot listen and talk at the same time :).

Do We Really Want What We Are Asking For?

Workplace Topic of the Week...

Why are there so many men and women desiring to be married when so many other men and women are looking for ways to get out of marriage? Do we really want what we are asking for?

I am beginning to feel troubled by this dilemma that I see occurring in our society. Do you believe that our institutions (educational, religious and family) are doing a good enough job of sharing and explaining what the marriage covenant truly means? If not, how can this be changed?

Have a great week!

KP

Male Confessions in Miami

Over the weekend I had the opportunity to spend time with my Kappa Alpha Psi line brothers in Miami celebrating our 12-year anniversary. It’s amazing how people from different backgrounds and belief systems can reunite with a central point of commonality (in our case Kappa Alpha Psi). I am so very different than my line brothers and was hesitant about participating in our anniversary trip. However, I knew God had a purpose for me being there and I simply wanted to receive what it was He had in store for me.

Our vacation crew was made up of 8 men: four married, one engaged; three unmarried men and half of the group were born-again believers. In addition to using my time away from Atlanta for rest and relaxation, I decided to relationally probe into the minds of men who possess very diverse backgrounds of relationship experiences. While we were on South Beach I began asking various questions related to marriage and the associated benefits/difficulties. The four married guys all admitted that they considered throwing in the towel at some point during their marriage due to the tension, frustration and difficulties of merging lives with their wives. Three of them have shaken the past frustrations and have proceeded forward in building and nurturing marital relationships with their spouses. However, one remains connected to his wife only because he’s not sure what to do or where to turn (those of us in Christ would know where to turn ). I asked them what unmarried men and women should focus on in preparation for the marital journey. Here are the top three items that were identified:

1. Communication – Because marriage involves two people from different backgrounds, it is imperative that communication flows freely and with honesty. Otherwise, you leave one party to develop their own conclusions about situations and that can be detrimental to the relationship.
2. Compromise – Two people coming together as one leads to the struggle of imposing one’s personal habits and ways of doing things on their mate. However, we must remember that just because you have been something a certain way for 30 years does not mean it’s the only way of accomplishing a desired outcome. Compromise is one of the most important components of a relationship.
3. Trust – Without trust…a relationship is doomed. If you are consumed with the whereabouts or activities of your mate, you are setting yourself up for a life of misery. A relationship without trust is destined for failure!

One of the four married guys attributed the success and perseverance of his marriage to the relationship both he and his wife have with Christ. He said without his Christian foundation, he would have left his wife with no questions asked. Isn’t it amazing that Christ can help calibrate relationships that seem out of alignment?

I was also shocked to learn that cheating on a spouse was not anything out of the ordinary for some of the men on our trip (I left this statement very vague so I would not incriminate any of my line brothers). Why cheat you may ask? Well…when there is a desire for variety, outside sources often fulfill the desire for variety. Not to mention there are many women who seek attention without commitment and this is an awesome option for men in committed relationships. It was also mentioned that sexual variety and pleasure are difficult temptations to overcome.

What is the moral of this story? Christ should be the focal point of all relationships so you have a central point to calibrate your relationship during times of trial and tribulation. Character allows you to discern the person you are connecting yourself to. Be sure that you are connected to a person’s character and not their personality because personalities change, but character remains consistent. Humorous is a personality trait. Cheating is a character flaw. All healthy relationships have open communication, willingness to compromise and the foundation of trust. Amen!