Monday, March 17, 2008

Fatherless Women & Relationships???

Workplace topic of the week…

Someone posed an interesting thought that I felt was relevant to my most recent post ‘What’s the deal with married men?’ This question was posed by a young woman so please don’t think this is something I personally generated. However, I totally agree with the perspective she shared via e-mail.

I posted a write-up some time ago about how men are the cause for many of the relationship issues that we are reaping in today’s society. It is because of our (men’s) selfish choices of making babies and not maturing/parenting these children, that has led us to such a significant amount of drama in modern-day relationships.

Imagine if casual sex had minimized/stopped in the early 1980’s and 90’s and men remained a part of the family household. Would we have the same issues many of the sons and daughters are now experiencing in relationships today? Of course not! Check out a couple of the outcomes of our fatherless generation…

• Some of our fatherless women would not have to experiment on how to attract and retain the attention of a man because an example would have been present in the household. An at-home father could have helped her decipher through the foolishness of today’s playboys.
• Some of our fatherless women would not demonstrate such an intense attempt at using physical assets (no pun intended) to lure a man in hopes of making them a husband. Physical intimacy never correlates to long-term happiness!
• Some fatherless women would avoid being swayed by subtle hints of flattery and remain focused on the character of men. You can truly tell the character of someone after the honeymoon season in your interaction passes and you go through seasonal experiences together. Remember relationships fluctuate and not every day will be a happy day.
• Some fatherless men would not have to rely on his male organ as the source of his manhood and recognize/appreciate the value of what TRUE unconditional relationships hold. Because men have lacked male examples to follow, we have resorted to societal views, media and our personal experiences to assist with the learning process. As a result, we have created a relational pattern of seek and conquer versus love and patience. (I through this blurb in for the men so this entry wouldn’t be so one-sided ).

Back to the main topic at hand…here are the questions this young lady posed to me:

1. How do women who were raised in fatherless household view relationships?
2. Do they seek companionship from a man to fill voids? Once they learned that God is their father, did it change the way they looked at men?

Of course I have my personal thoughts on each of the above questions, but will resist the temptation of responding prematurely.

If you are a woman who grew up in a fatherless household, your perspective is definitely solicited. If you know of either positive or negative stories because of a fatherless environment, please post your responses too. You can always post anonymously if you wish to protect your identity.


Anonymous said...

I can say being a product of a "fatherless" definetly made a difference on how i valued myself and the relationships i found myself in. I was somehow looking for validation and affirmation from the men i was involved with. It wasn't until I became a christian and truly saw how God valued me that I began to realize my worth as woman.

Those relationships i found myself in were learning experiences, but honestly i can say maybe would have been avoided had I had a father around to affirm me and be connected with. A woman's father is her first contact and connection with a man, and when that is not there, she tries to find that connection in other ways..via other men.

Anonymous said...

It's funny how you don't realize the impact of a two parent household until you're well in your adult years. Having been raised by my mother (and for 9 years her husband) it's interesting how I lack the description of that 'ideal man'. In casual conversation with friends, it's hard for me to hear them say "my dad would do this and do that" because I don't have that to comparison.

From my own experiences, I have found myself seeking men to satisfy an empty spot in my life. Society sees marriage and family deems you to be complete. So, single women get to the point where they're basically playing spin the bottle and it's you for now and if you don't work just spin it again and see where it land.

There are not requirements, no qualifications-nothing. We, "fatherless” women, have chased men trying to make a man that we think will make us happy. As KP stated, happiness does not last. We have to get over the fact that we didn't have this role model and actually search the scriptures and understand that God was there for us even when we felt alone. If He has never let us down, never turned His back on and if we have confessed of all the sins committed when searching for that man, He has forgiven us-why not pray for a mate that mirrors Him.

Once you realize that God is your Father, relinquish control to Him and let Him do what He does. As the blogger before stated a woman's father is her first contact and connection with a man; imagine if that was your Heavenly Father and not your earthly father. Imagine who He has in store for you and who He created for you . . . that in itself makes me Praise Him because He wouldn't just present anything to me. He would have molded him, trained him and made him the man of God He knows I need.

Anonymous said...

I will start this comment by saying that I am somewhat a product of a fatherless home. By the time my mother remarried during my teenage years the damage to my self-esteem had already been done. I only want to be honest about my past because it is a definite part of whom I am and where I have come from. My biological father was in and out of my life pretty much my entire life. Because of that fact I found myself very angry and in a lot of pain. I wanted to know, "What could make a man reject the love and affection of his child?"

As I journeyed into adulthood my attitude mirrored the pain on the inside. Most of my young adult dating was spent looking for someone to rescue me from that pain. I was basically looking for love in all the wrong places. My desire was that they be like a father figure to me and when that did not happen, I felt rejected all over again. I continued to add layers and layers of rejection onto an already fragile emotional state. Those relationships ended because they could never do what they were not designed to do...

My anger and pain manifested itself in every aspect of my life not just with dating. I was constantly seeking to feel a void that I thought had been left by my father. One day I had a life changing conversation it turned me down a different path. The conversation was with my mother (my mother and I at the time just did not have this kind of conversation). I will never forget she looked at me one day as only a mother can and said, "Why are you so angry?" "Have you not had a good life?" Then she said, “Can you change what happened to you? If you can not change it then the only thing left to do is accept it, learn from it and move on. LET IT GO CHILD!" She led me back to my roots the Bible and told me I had to forgive and allow God to heal my hurts. I started down the road to forgiving my father. It was not an easy process in fact it has been a very difficult road to walk. During that journey my father passed away though we never really got the opportunity to sit down and talk in depth, I am okay because knowing whose I am and who my father is has been the foundation of my change.

I still had to go through a healing process in my situation with my biological father and it was getting to know who he was through those closest to him and understanding that no matter what he truly did love me. I also had to heal those relationships that were broken because of my relationship with my father. Through that process I learned so much about myself and how in the past pride stood in my way because the person I was would never have openly shared that pain but knowing what I know now it is my testimony. (Believe it or not this story really is abbreviated :) )It was through my biological father's death that I truly, truly found life!

Did my view on men and relationships change when I confessed to Christ? Yes, absolutely but my life changed who I was earlier in life is not who I am today. I no longer seek a man to fill a void in my life. I am complete through Christ. I had to learn how to have positive healthy honest relationships. I had to learn how to communicate and be someone worth being around. Basically turn my negatives into positives. Through this whole process, I now know that God is my priority, loving him and trying to be obedient to His word so his will can be done over my life. I learned the value of loving me and letting go of my foolish pride. In order to love I had/have to study the model given to me in His Word.

Anonymous said...

thank you so much. this is so encouraging to someone struggling with the same same thing.

Anonymous said...

I want to present a different scenario. What about the case of a woman who was raised without a father and her step-father committed a form of sexual abuse (looking at her in the shower). Her mother never defended her, which led her to move out and live with a family. All this led her to add on to her very independent personality. She boasts about being street-smart and independent. Can her experience have an impact on her commitment to marriage in the future?

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