My pastor preached a message this past Sunday on managing conflict. While meditating on the message, a very important relationship tip was revealed to me.
"It is very difficult to have a true and validated relationship without learning how to overcome adversity and conflict."
The reason many relationships fail and marriages end in divorce, is based on the inability of two people to resolve conflict. The more I think about the process of dating, courting, engagement and marriage, the more I am an advocate of experiencing the four seasons of relationship.
I will do a future post providing a more in depth look at each of the seasons listed below.
Season 1 Infatuation - Usually at the beginning of a relationship when everything seems like Utopia.
Season 2 Reality Check - Usually follows the season of infatuation. Reality check occurs when you begin to see the person for who they really are.
Season 3 Adversity - This season can occur at any point in a relationship. Adversity is experienced when job loss, death, financial stresses and difference in views start to surface. Overcoming the season of adversity is very critical in the success of relationships.
Season 4 Status Quo - This is the season where things seem to remain the same within the relationship. Status Quo can be good if things are in synch with two people or can be bad if two people aren't seeing eye to eye.
These seasons can occur in any order, but most relationships experience these in some form. I would be extremely careful about declaring victory in your relationships until you have experienced the full cycle of these seasons.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
True Meaning of Marriage
Here is another article written by Jimmie Evans of MarriageToday. If you are currently unmarried, then look at this article from the perspective of discussing it with your significant other (i.e., potential sexual fidelity).
**************************************
Have you ever wondered what marriage really means? In other words, what occurs when a wedding ceremony is performed that makes things different than before? Here are the three main distinctions from a social and legal perspective:
* We share assets and liabilities (financial unity)
* We become next of kin to each other
* We swear sexual fidelity and exclusivity
Marriage is a big deal. Even when you exclude the spiritual dynamic of becoming one flesh, marriage bonds us together with another person in a profound manner. It also makes us more dependent on that person than on anyone in any other relationship in our lives.
For that reason trust is a premium in marriage. And as you can see from the bullet points above, trust must be reflected in three main areas - finances, personal care and sexuality. When we are operating in good faith in those three areas, marriage is good.
However, when any one of those is compromised, a marriage is almost always significantly impaired - if not devastated. The three distinctions of marriage reflect the essential areas of commitment and care we must assume and continue in with good faith if we are going to succeed.
I encourage you to think seriously about these three areas. If possible, discuss each of them with your spouse and see if there are any problems you need to work through. As you consider these, here are some questions to think about:
* Am I diligent and considerate financially? Do I think about how my financial habits affect my spouse and our overall well-being? Do I discuss expenses or financial decisions with my spouse before acting?
* Do I care for my spouse and meet their needs? Are they the foremost priority in my life in practical terms? Do I put them off or take them for granted?
* Am I sexually faithful? Do I faithfully meet my partner’s sexual needs? Do I keep my heart pure related to temptation? Do I have any inappropriate relationships or conduct that compromise my marriage or my conscience before God?
It is important to remember what marriage means. It is even more important to work hard to let our spouse know that we are committed to financial unity, personal care and sexual faithfulness.
**************************************
Have you ever wondered what marriage really means? In other words, what occurs when a wedding ceremony is performed that makes things different than before? Here are the three main distinctions from a social and legal perspective:
* We share assets and liabilities (financial unity)
* We become next of kin to each other
* We swear sexual fidelity and exclusivity
Marriage is a big deal. Even when you exclude the spiritual dynamic of becoming one flesh, marriage bonds us together with another person in a profound manner. It also makes us more dependent on that person than on anyone in any other relationship in our lives.
For that reason trust is a premium in marriage. And as you can see from the bullet points above, trust must be reflected in three main areas - finances, personal care and sexuality. When we are operating in good faith in those three areas, marriage is good.
However, when any one of those is compromised, a marriage is almost always significantly impaired - if not devastated. The three distinctions of marriage reflect the essential areas of commitment and care we must assume and continue in with good faith if we are going to succeed.
I encourage you to think seriously about these three areas. If possible, discuss each of them with your spouse and see if there are any problems you need to work through. As you consider these, here are some questions to think about:
* Am I diligent and considerate financially? Do I think about how my financial habits affect my spouse and our overall well-being? Do I discuss expenses or financial decisions with my spouse before acting?
* Do I care for my spouse and meet their needs? Are they the foremost priority in my life in practical terms? Do I put them off or take them for granted?
* Am I sexually faithful? Do I faithfully meet my partner’s sexual needs? Do I keep my heart pure related to temptation? Do I have any inappropriate relationships or conduct that compromise my marriage or my conscience before God?
It is important to remember what marriage means. It is even more important to work hard to let our spouse know that we are committed to financial unity, personal care and sexual faithfulness.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Equal Opportunity???
Workplace topic of the week...
How open are you to exploring relationship opportunities with people of different races?
Men are typically more open to dating women of different races; whereas, women are more likely to stay within their race in search of Mr. Right. Take time to personally explore yourself to see where you fit in.
Have you indirectly placed God in a box by saying that your spouse has to come in a certain package? Hmmmmm....
I'm interested in your comments so please feel free to leave them :).
How open are you to exploring relationship opportunities with people of different races?
Men are typically more open to dating women of different races; whereas, women are more likely to stay within their race in search of Mr. Right. Take time to personally explore yourself to see where you fit in.
Have you indirectly placed God in a box by saying that your spouse has to come in a certain package? Hmmmmm....
I'm interested in your comments so please feel free to leave them :).
Friday, July 18, 2008
Upgrade Me
Checkout today's Freelance Friday article written by Arlecia D. Simmons!
One of the most popular secular song’s of 2007 is Beyonce’ Knowles’s “Upgrade You.” In the popular R&B tune the vocalist articulates to her partner that her presence in his life can be considered an asset and not a deficit. While the song begins with an expletive spewed by her rap mogul boyfriend, Jay-Z, it is essentially a song about being a good helpmate. This embedded message does not surprise me, as I Corinthians 27 reminds that God will use the foolish things of this world to confound the wise.
If a song played in bars and clubs can articulate the importance of a woman standing by her man, then why is that our churches and families spend so little time talking about our individual roles in build healthy relationships? Instead of identifying the areas we must work on before we are suitable mates, we spend our energy outlining the characteristics we would prefer others to possess.
Single women often have lists of attributes we desire in a prospective mate. From year to year our lists changes; however, it is rare that we simply throw them away. Here’s a generic version my list: has a relationship with God; loves his mother; possesses a college degree; enjoys traveling and new experiences; gives back to his community… You get the picture; the list goes on for a few more lines. Even as Christian women we sometimes want our needs or wants to be met with little consideration as to what others might desire or require.
Do you desire a man with a high FICO score when you cannot get a 13-inch television financed? Do you require dates to take you to the most exclusive restaurants when you won’t even leave an appropriate tip at the local steakhouse? Have you said that you’d prefer to date a man without love handles, yet you are 40 pounds overweight?
Fifty pounds ago I was considered morbidly obese and I would look men and say some were too big to be attractive to me. It was only after taking a self-assessment that I realized that I did not reflect, mentally or physically, what I was attempting to attract.
Whether we desire a mate or we find joy in our singleness, we should seek to follow the path of the Proverbs 31 woman. In addition to be a blessing to her family, the Jewish woman is a respected businesswoman. She is able to manage her home and business, which creates multiple streams of income. Little is said about her husband, but we can assume that he was a “baller” in his own right. We learn that she was the quintessential example of someone able to upgrade her mate and gain his respect and trust: "Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value."
Before you continue adding attributes to your “He Must Be” list, consider assessing your strengths and weaknesses. I want a man that will patiently listen to the ideas I have for artistic works: however, I have to work on becoming a better listener? How fair is that?
1) What are the attributes you possess that would enhance a future relationship?
2) Are there emotional or financial issues that you might need to resolve before pursuing a relationship?
3) If you were to get married today, would you be able to cook your new husband a meal? Would he be able to comfortably sit in your living room, or would he need to call you in advance so you could clean your house? What are your views on the two tasks?
4) Do you believe that cleaning and cooking are responsibilities shared between mates? If so, would you be able to satisfy your end of the deal?
Arlecia is also a blogger and her site can be accessed at http://arleciasimmonsinspires.blogspot.com/
One of the most popular secular song’s of 2007 is Beyonce’ Knowles’s “Upgrade You.” In the popular R&B tune the vocalist articulates to her partner that her presence in his life can be considered an asset and not a deficit. While the song begins with an expletive spewed by her rap mogul boyfriend, Jay-Z, it is essentially a song about being a good helpmate. This embedded message does not surprise me, as I Corinthians 27 reminds that God will use the foolish things of this world to confound the wise.
If a song played in bars and clubs can articulate the importance of a woman standing by her man, then why is that our churches and families spend so little time talking about our individual roles in build healthy relationships? Instead of identifying the areas we must work on before we are suitable mates, we spend our energy outlining the characteristics we would prefer others to possess.
Single women often have lists of attributes we desire in a prospective mate. From year to year our lists changes; however, it is rare that we simply throw them away. Here’s a generic version my list: has a relationship with God; loves his mother; possesses a college degree; enjoys traveling and new experiences; gives back to his community… You get the picture; the list goes on for a few more lines. Even as Christian women we sometimes want our needs or wants to be met with little consideration as to what others might desire or require.
Do you desire a man with a high FICO score when you cannot get a 13-inch television financed? Do you require dates to take you to the most exclusive restaurants when you won’t even leave an appropriate tip at the local steakhouse? Have you said that you’d prefer to date a man without love handles, yet you are 40 pounds overweight?
Fifty pounds ago I was considered morbidly obese and I would look men and say some were too big to be attractive to me. It was only after taking a self-assessment that I realized that I did not reflect, mentally or physically, what I was attempting to attract.
Whether we desire a mate or we find joy in our singleness, we should seek to follow the path of the Proverbs 31 woman. In addition to be a blessing to her family, the Jewish woman is a respected businesswoman. She is able to manage her home and business, which creates multiple streams of income. Little is said about her husband, but we can assume that he was a “baller” in his own right. We learn that she was the quintessential example of someone able to upgrade her mate and gain his respect and trust: "Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value."
Before you continue adding attributes to your “He Must Be” list, consider assessing your strengths and weaknesses. I want a man that will patiently listen to the ideas I have for artistic works: however, I have to work on becoming a better listener? How fair is that?
1) What are the attributes you possess that would enhance a future relationship?
2) Are there emotional or financial issues that you might need to resolve before pursuing a relationship?
3) If you were to get married today, would you be able to cook your new husband a meal? Would he be able to comfortably sit in your living room, or would he need to call you in advance so you could clean your house? What are your views on the two tasks?
4) Do you believe that cleaning and cooking are responsibilities shared between mates? If so, would you be able to satisfy your end of the deal?
Arlecia is also a blogger and her site can be accessed at http://arleciasimmonsinspires.blogspot.com/
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Dating Dilemma – Part 2
As I continue through my series on the dating dilemma, I would like to take a look at dating through the eyes of men. Unfortunately, men are the scapegoats when it comes to the dating dilemma, but I’d like to offer-up my support for the men. Men within the church face some very unique challenges when it comes to dating.
1) The Ratio of Women to Men – Unfortunately, the one aspect that is embellished by men all over America can also serve as a detriment. It’s sort of like a kid in a candy or toy store, too many options can impede the ability to make a decision (I won’t chase this rabbit, but it’s tempting). Too many options make it difficult for men to observe and truly collect the data important for making solid dating/relationship decisions. What is the typical result of a man having too many options? A man who has trouble making a decision and/or making a commitment. Until a man recognizes that there will always be more beautiful, sexy, intelligent women out there, he will continue waiting for the perfect woman, who rarely surfaces.
2) Identifying the Best Approach – Many men get this wrong and it usually shatters their confidence for future opportunities.
Here is a list of the wrong times to approach a woman for dating inquiries:
a. Before service begins on the way into the doors of the church. There is nothing worse for a woman than being interrupted on her way into the house of the Lord in order to receive a Word from God.
b. During the middle of service by way of a note written on the back of the church program. What are you here for? This isn’t your high school history class, so please pay attention to the preacher and the message. If a woman thinks you are attractive, you ruin it when you pull this foolishness.
c. At the altar when the pastor or minister is praying for the congregation. Please don’t try this! I’ve seen it attempted and it provides an awkward experience for everyone who witnesses it.
Here are some more opportune times to approach a woman in order to express your interest:
a. After church service is over and people are socializing in the hallways, parking lot or sanctuary. This is a great way to obtain informal information about a person you may be interested in. Take advantage of the informal opportunities for fellowship with your church brothers and sisters.
b. During a church fellowship where the environment is a little more relaxed and the traditional social barriers are removed. Church fellowships are a healthy alternative to the club life and prove to be more fulfilling long-term. Healthy church fellowships can remove the tainted taste of smoke filled clubs, strip clubs and gatherings that typically lead to a path of unrighteousness.
c. While serving in ministry. There is no better way to learn about a potential interest, than by serving with her in ministry. I cannot speak directly for Christ, but I imagine He would smile down on His children serving together in ministry while also developing a long-term relationship.
3) Making a Good Choice – Many men have experienced this hard fact. In the church body, a lot of women run in similar circles. As a result, if a man has his eye on more than one woman who may be friends, runs the risk of blackballing himself if he selects the one who he isn’t compatible with. The only way to avoid finding yourself in this predicament is to sit back and observe the behavior of the women you have an interest in. Based on a more thorough observation you can better assess the woman you may have more in common with, etc.
Overall, dating is a very challenging process and one most men get wrong. Hopefully, the tips above provide some insight on how to better position you for successful opportunities. In the end, God is sovereign, and He will position you to meet the one He has in store for you in His timing. Amen!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
The Biggest Test of Your Character
Below is an interesting article written by Jimmy Evans, author and writer of Marriage Today.
************************************
I like this statement: God didn’t make marriage to make us happy. He made it to make us grow up. So many people have a concept of marriage that is flawed. Because of this, they have unrealistic expectations that set them up for disappointment.
Don’t get me wrong. I believe God created marriage for lifelong pleasure and happiness. Beyond any other human relationship, marriage has the potential to make us happier, longer than anything else. But there is a price to happiness and that price is character.
Marriage tests our character in every way. It tests our patience, our work ethic, our willingness to forgive, our sensitivity to others, our tolerance for those different from us, our ability to cooperate, etc. Marriage is the biggest character test in life.
I also like this statement: With God, you never flunk a test. You just keep taking it until you get it right. This is true. God wants us to be like Him. He is trying to produce His character in us and is relentless in His efforts. Relationships are His primary means of testing how much like (or unlike) Him we are.
For me, marriage was like a trip to the proverbial woodshed for the first several years. I was selfish, insensitive, angry and chauvinistic. After the first few years of marriage I was convinced that I had made a mistake in marrying Karen and she was the cause of my misery.
Today, I look back at those times as crucial in the formation of my character. I have to admit that I almost didn’t make it. There were many times when I came to a fork in the road where I had to make a decision to change to become more like the Lord (patient, selfless, forgiving) or remain immature.
Every time I made a positive character change our marriage took a significant step forward. Karen also made positive character choices that benefited our relationship. Today we have a great marriage. We aren’t perfect, but we are more like the Lord than ever before and we are committed to a lifelong journey to be more like Jesus.
How is your relationship? More importantly, how is your character? Remember, it is the foundation of your marriage and every other relationship in life. Also remember, when you are experiencing marriage problems it is often the Lord dealing with a character issue.
Let me rephrase my original statement: Before marriage will make you happy it will make you grow up. It’s time to pass the test and take a step to a happier marriage.
************************************
Please visit Jimmy and Karen Evans at www.marriagetoday.com.
************************************
I like this statement: God didn’t make marriage to make us happy. He made it to make us grow up. So many people have a concept of marriage that is flawed. Because of this, they have unrealistic expectations that set them up for disappointment.
Don’t get me wrong. I believe God created marriage for lifelong pleasure and happiness. Beyond any other human relationship, marriage has the potential to make us happier, longer than anything else. But there is a price to happiness and that price is character.
Marriage tests our character in every way. It tests our patience, our work ethic, our willingness to forgive, our sensitivity to others, our tolerance for those different from us, our ability to cooperate, etc. Marriage is the biggest character test in life.
I also like this statement: With God, you never flunk a test. You just keep taking it until you get it right. This is true. God wants us to be like Him. He is trying to produce His character in us and is relentless in His efforts. Relationships are His primary means of testing how much like (or unlike) Him we are.
For me, marriage was like a trip to the proverbial woodshed for the first several years. I was selfish, insensitive, angry and chauvinistic. After the first few years of marriage I was convinced that I had made a mistake in marrying Karen and she was the cause of my misery.
Today, I look back at those times as crucial in the formation of my character. I have to admit that I almost didn’t make it. There were many times when I came to a fork in the road where I had to make a decision to change to become more like the Lord (patient, selfless, forgiving) or remain immature.
Every time I made a positive character change our marriage took a significant step forward. Karen also made positive character choices that benefited our relationship. Today we have a great marriage. We aren’t perfect, but we are more like the Lord than ever before and we are committed to a lifelong journey to be more like Jesus.
How is your relationship? More importantly, how is your character? Remember, it is the foundation of your marriage and every other relationship in life. Also remember, when you are experiencing marriage problems it is often the Lord dealing with a character issue.
Let me rephrase my original statement: Before marriage will make you happy it will make you grow up. It’s time to pass the test and take a step to a happier marriage.
************************************
Please visit Jimmy and Karen Evans at www.marriagetoday.com.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Dating Dilemma – Part 1
Many people who are close to me understand that I have unique perspective when it comes to the practice of dating. After conducting an in depth analysis of the Bible, I concluded that contemporary dating is unbiblical. Any attempts we use to connect the Bible to dating are based on assumption and not scripturally supported. Does this mean we shouldn’t date? Nope…I won’t go to that extreme, but I will offer-up that our mindsets need to change as it relates to the practice of dating. We as individuals must make better educated dating decisions and not become lured into the guidelines of contemporary dating set forth by Real World, Sex in the City, Flavor of Love or Shot at Love with Tila Tequila.
We have been trained by our society that dating multiple people at the same time is acceptable and the norm. However, when you think about dating and the end result that we should be working towards, we ought to take the process of selecting a potential mate more seriously. It’s difficult enough as it is to clearly engage and assess your compatibility with one individual, but it’s exponentially more difficult when you start including additional individuals to assess at the same time. In order to date multiple people at the same time, one must truly be grounded in who you are AND have the ability to separate your dating partners without blurring the dating experiences. Let the truth be told…many of us have barely fully embraced who we are as individuals, which makes dating multiple partners a recipe for disaster. How can you assess your compatibility with someone else when you are not fully stabilized in your own personal being? I’ve provided a recommendation to many of my close male and female friends and I’d like to do the same for you. Please accept the following challenge in an attempt to better position your dating experience:
1.) Make a decision to only date one person at a time. This will afford you the opportunity to learn about the person more in depth, and provides them with your undivided attention. You will be able to quickly make a decision on how much time to give them and allows you to break off unhealthy candidates a lot sooner.
2.) Be willing to step out of your comfort zone. This will give you the opportunity to experience people other than your traditional ‘type’. Let’s face it…your type will probably get you the same results that you have already experienced in life. Give someone different an opportunity to display themselves to you.
3.) Dating isn’t a license for free sex. Refrain from allowing your intimate side to get involved in dating. Sex and intimacy clouds your judgment and causes many people to remain in dating relationships longer than they should. Sex sidetracks and distracts your ability to think clearly when evaluating a lifemate.
4.) Learn how to date yourself first. If you don’t know how to date yourself, then you’ll struggle in your dating relationships. Be confident in who you are and learn the things that make you happy and a quality candidate for a relationship. Don’t allow dating to define who you are because you’ll find yourself in an endless loop of disappointment.
The priorities of successful relationships are as follows:
- Your relationship with God
- Your relationship with yourself
- Your relationship with others
If you embrace the order of the above listed relationships, then you'll be positioned for happier, healthier relationships.
We have been trained by our society that dating multiple people at the same time is acceptable and the norm. However, when you think about dating and the end result that we should be working towards, we ought to take the process of selecting a potential mate more seriously. It’s difficult enough as it is to clearly engage and assess your compatibility with one individual, but it’s exponentially more difficult when you start including additional individuals to assess at the same time. In order to date multiple people at the same time, one must truly be grounded in who you are AND have the ability to separate your dating partners without blurring the dating experiences. Let the truth be told…many of us have barely fully embraced who we are as individuals, which makes dating multiple partners a recipe for disaster. How can you assess your compatibility with someone else when you are not fully stabilized in your own personal being? I’ve provided a recommendation to many of my close male and female friends and I’d like to do the same for you. Please accept the following challenge in an attempt to better position your dating experience:
1.) Make a decision to only date one person at a time. This will afford you the opportunity to learn about the person more in depth, and provides them with your undivided attention. You will be able to quickly make a decision on how much time to give them and allows you to break off unhealthy candidates a lot sooner.
2.) Be willing to step out of your comfort zone. This will give you the opportunity to experience people other than your traditional ‘type’. Let’s face it…your type will probably get you the same results that you have already experienced in life. Give someone different an opportunity to display themselves to you.
3.) Dating isn’t a license for free sex. Refrain from allowing your intimate side to get involved in dating. Sex and intimacy clouds your judgment and causes many people to remain in dating relationships longer than they should. Sex sidetracks and distracts your ability to think clearly when evaluating a lifemate.
4.) Learn how to date yourself first. If you don’t know how to date yourself, then you’ll struggle in your dating relationships. Be confident in who you are and learn the things that make you happy and a quality candidate for a relationship. Don’t allow dating to define who you are because you’ll find yourself in an endless loop of disappointment.
The priorities of successful relationships are as follows:
- Your relationship with God
- Your relationship with yourself
- Your relationship with others
If you embrace the order of the above listed relationships, then you'll be positioned for happier, healthier relationships.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
.jpg)
