The Communication Gap Between Men and Women

This past weekend I had an opportunity to participate in a relationship discussion that brought together the minds of men and women from various walks of life. The event included those who have never been married, divorcees, the young and exuberant and those who seemed to have given up on love. We had a very free flowing dialog that included sex, friendships, biological clocks and communication.

As much fun as it was to discuss the topic of sex, we spent the majority of the discussion focused on communication. One of the women in attendance brought the book ‘The Five Love Languages.’ Although many of the people in attendance had never read the book, most of our discussion emphasized the importance of why a book such as ‘The Five Love Languages’ has significant value. Communication is a very important piece in bridging the gap between the minds of men and women. Far too often men speak, but women hear something totally different than the intended meaning. Women speak and men miss out on the subtle emotional/desired meaning of what she is truly saying to him. Why is that? God has wired men and women in very different ways and our differences cause us to struggle with reaching common understandings. Based on my experience, women communicate verbally and emotionally and need details to obtain clarity and understanding. On the flipside, men are simple communicators who don’t provide much in the form of detail at all. Our responses tend to lack feelings, which lead to barriers when communicating with women. Where does this leave us? It often leaves men frustrated about the amount of information being asked of them by women and leaves women totally unclear on the message being communicated by men. What’s next?

Quick Communication Tips

For Women

-Men speak more with their actions than they do with their words. This is a potential catch 22. Men show interest by taking you out, spending time with you, making time for you within the things that are important to him (business, sports, family). If you want to know if he’s interested in you, ask him. However, make sure his actions correspond to his answer. If he says he likes you, but doesn’t make time for you, then take it as “He’s just not THAT into you!”
-Men are not necessarily interested in the details, just the result/answer. Too much information has the potential of causing men to drift off or shut down. Men don’t want to go around the block if the destination is right across the street.
-Men have trouble interpreting your emotions or feelings. If you are upset, then say so. If your feelings are hurt, then say so. If you have desires that you want him to address, then spell them out. Otherwise, he may be totally clueless about what you really want him to acknowledge.
-Men don’t regularly offer-up additional details. If you want to know something specific, then ask the specific question you want answered. If you want to know if a guy is interested in pursuing a relationship with you, don’t ask “Do you like me?” Instead ask “Do you have an interest in pursuing a relationship with me?” Liking you and wanting to pursue a relationship with you are two very different things.

For Men

-Women enjoy details of situations and thoughts. One and two word answers work when dealing with male friends, but drive women insane. Be mindful to include details that she may be interested in. It may not seem relevant for you to include, but women love being able to create a complete mental visual picture.
-Women don’t like short answers when it comes to relationship/friendship status discussions. Be willing to expound upon your thoughts, feelings and desires towards her upfront in a discussion. Otherwise, you may find yourself in a line of questioning until you answer the specifics of her question(s).
-Women enjoy when you share your feelings. Don’t be afraid to say…”I miss you,” “I was thinking about you,” “I really care about you,” etc. It may seem a little awkward in the beginning because of how men are raised, but sharing your feelings allows you to speak a language that most women understand.
-Women generally have emotional desires connected to their statements. Be intentional in trying to understand the true message she wants you to receive. If she tells you that she had a hard day at work, it doesn’t necessarily mean she’s looking for a solution. All she may truly want is for you to listen with a compassionate ear.

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