Workplace topic of the week...
How do you handle family members who are constantly trying to marry you off to every Tom, Dick, Harry, Jane or Janet?
I have a soft spot for women because of the family pressure they are under to transition into the married ranks. My advice to all women is to focus on your purpose and not be distracted by those who don't have your best interest in mind.
Unfortunately, we live in a society that elevates those who are married and looks down upon those who are unmarried. The truth be told...one state of living is not any better than the other (see 1 Corinthians 7). One preacher says it like this, "Married living isn't any better than unmarried living...it's just different!" Meaning that both seasons of life have their own pros and cons that can be used to validate your position depending on the side you represent. Those of us who are unmarried have a peaked curiosity of marriage because it's something we have never experienced. However, if you talk to those who are, or have been married, they will advise you that marriage has its own unique set of challenges. Your prayer should be to ask God for a healthy marriage (if it's His will) and not just an ordinary marriage which so many people experience today.
Don't allow family, time or desperation to steer you into a situation that 'till death do us part' can't get you out of :)
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Fortunately, I don't have this problem. My family has never put that kind of pressure on me. They just ask me about my latest endeavors and interests. I keep them guessing, I keep life adventurous! For my brothers and sisters who do have this type of pressure, encourage your family to read 1 Cor 7. Speak the truth to them, in love, and let them know that you understand their concern,but there is no need to force you into relationship with anyone whom God nor you desires in your life. Sure, they don't want you to be alone,but you're NEVER alone! The Lord promised to never leave us nor forsake us. Because He knows that He made us relational creatures, He will (if you ask Him) bring the right people into your life at the right time. Sometimes, He wants us to "fly solo" for a bit. During those times He wants to show you how wonderful and unique you are. You'll discover strengths,weaknesses,new hobbies,etc. You may even find that your life as a single man or woman is really great. Share with your family members just how happy you are with your life. You may not desire marriage and that's okay. Unfortunately, there are those who are not happy with being single and are buckling under the pressure of family members. Pray for God to revive you and connect with saints who will encourage and comfort you, not beat you over the head with marriage. Yes, society can be rather uncaring when it comes to singles. So can the church. Most messages are geared towards married couples, couples with children. Singles get the sloppy seconds. Yea, they give us a conference (3 whole days out of 365) or a quick one liner during a family life conference. Perhaps some family members don't want you to be left out of the sermon anymore! LOL! Just kidding...but know that you do matter to God and when the time is right (if it is His will) you will be blessed to unite with the right mate!! Be encouraged! KG
KP, great post!
I'm glad you have a soft spot for the ladies, because we do have pressure from family and friends (all well-meaning, of course) as well as a constant monthly reminder that our childbearing days are short (unless God pulls a Sarah LOL). So,with that said, I believe there is some biology built into our desire for marriage and family.
#1: Do you think we (unmarrieds) are merely curious about marriage because it is a novel experience or because we were made for relating to each other within the confines of marriage?
#2: You encouraged us to focus on our purpose and to not become distracted by the cares of life. I have a friend (noooo, really I do--this question couldn't possibly be about my situation) who is in her early fourties and believes that she is to be a wife and mother. She has fought a good fight and kept the faith, kept relationships chaste for over 25 years and is believing God for a family. What advice would you give to her if she is not convinced that singleness is not her gift from God and that childlessness is not her lot in life?
Correction to question #2: "What advice would you give to her if she is not convinced that singleness IS her gift from God..."
For me I have more non-family members asking me when am I getting married or having children. I get it a lot, it seems to be increasing since I am almost 30. I just simply respond that it is not my time. I do wish to be married and have children, but I know when I get anxious I have to remember that I am not in control. I believe I will be married and then have children, but I am not rushing it, I see too many of my family members regret their decision.
Now from my family I do get asked am I dating or have any prospect, but they don't pressure me.
GB
Personally I have found that it is not my family members pressuring me but it is me being focused on the wrong things. I have a desire to get married and have children one day but sometimes I get distracted looking at my siblings, I have one sister who has been married for years and my brother is getting married this month, and all my siblings have children, I am the only one who does not have children, and sometimes I feel left out although I know that God has a unique plan for my life. I have to stay so focused on his word and God's purpose, because one of the desires God has placed within me,(as stated in the commentary) is not just to be married one day, but to have an extraordinary marriage that will truly glorify God.
- Those of us who are unmarried desire marriage because we are naturally programmed to do so and it’s something we have never experienced. Its human nature to desire things, but it takes discipline to recognize whether your desires are healthy. A healthy desire is marriage. An unhealthy desire is adultery. A healthy desire is companionship. An unhealthy desire is alcohol or drugs. The fantasy or novel experience only intensifies the desire, but shouldn’t cause it to be an obsession like many people see it as. I can begin naming individual after individual who is married and totally unhappy. Don’t make the same mistake by becoming consumed with the idea of marriage and allow friendships to mature into relationships and relationships into marriage.
I would encourage her to remain focused on developing her relationship with Christ and with others. The one thing that we must all recognize is it only takes one person to take us from singleness to marital bliss. The transition can occur in the blink of an eye and parenthood can follow shortly thereafter (if it’s God’s will). She has waited this long to do it the right way, so I encourage her to enjoy life, cherish friendships and position herself for relationship possibilities.
I don’t think I have been asked this question in quite some time because my friends and family say by the time I answer these type of questions they are exhausted and I am sure they know the response has not changed. (As I think about it maybe that was the goal, make them tired of asking:)) But when I was asked this question it was asked in two different ways. The first way and for some strange reason the most common way, “When are you going to start having children?” and my response is always let me tell you what I heard you say. You are asking me to fornicate in order to procreate. Only to open up another can of worms and a whole new set of challenging possibilities. (Of course the questions go further...but long story short) Is that how you see me and what you want for me? You want to see me possibly struggle? I basically told my friends if that is what you are asking then I can not because I would not be being obedient to God’s word. I know better so doing better is the goal. I will say that for the most part the answers to those questions I asked were no, my friends did not want this for me (But to be honest I never got a yes but if this topic comes up again and I do, I know God’s got an answer.) After we for the most part got over that hump the question did change slightly to, “Okay when are you going to find a man to marry you? Or when are you getting married? My response was: Are you saying that I should be in such a hurry that I corner some guy and demand marriage or else? Most of my friends are married so I ask; Did you do that? If not then why is it an option for me? Should I be out there looking? Or a man who finds a wife finds a good thing? So after all of that I finally said to my friends/family, if you are asking me what I am doing while he is finding me. Then the answer is, I am busy trying to live in a way that is pleasing to the Lord and He gets the glory. God is preparing me too for that perfect fit/healthy relationship. So I politely told my friends/family let’s treat this conversation like a tape recorder (new century CD player) and put it on pause and let God push play when/if it is my season, according to His will. Until now I have not thought about it but I guess maybe that is why I don’t get the question anymore? The conversation must still be on pause. :)
Identity is the real issue here, at least that has been my experience. All of our lives, we have been identified by others through what we do well, who we know and our professional status.
Pressure in my life has not necessarily come from family members or others, it has come from ME- Marriage has always been the ultimate place to acheive that says that someone else wants or really desires to be with ME..,and society makes you believe that something is wrong with you if you are unmarried, especially if you never have been married.
Our true identity should however be who we are in Christ and once we have this embedded in our minds, we will then be able to have, create and nuture healthy relationships!
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