Purpose-Driven vs Passion-Driven Relationships – Part 2 by Paul Wilson, Jr.

In last week’s post I talked about various characteristics of purpose and passion in relationships. Today’s post is focused on how you balance both of these essential elements during the developmental stages of your relationships. And keep in mind these principles can be applied to just about any relationship, including family, friends, romantic, plutonic, business, etc.

A lot of time and frustration could be saved if more people understood the power of purpose in relationships. A purpose-driven relationship means that the purpose – reason it exists – of the relationship takes on a greater value than the individual needs, wants, or desires of the individuals involved. They recognize they have chosen to come together (or have been brought together) for something special.

Purpose-driven relationships focus on the integrated vision and mission of the parties involved in the relationship. In essence, each person submits themselves to the long-term sustainability and viability of the relationship in order to achieve something far greater than they could accomplish on their own. The fusion of their unified purpose is greater than the individual purposes by themselves.

These relationships are not devoid of passion. Passion is generated by your merged interests, desires, and motivations, which provide the fuel to accomplish the vision/mission. This type of passion is much more sustaining than just emotions and feelings. It comes from a deeply shared desire to do something and be part of something wonderfully significant.

Relationships that are built only on emotions and feelings won’t have longevity, because our emotions ebb and flow constantly. Purpose provides an anchor for the relationship, so that when your feelings are fluctuating you can refocus on the important things each of you has committed to. Your commitment to the purpose helps you weather the tough times. You are better positioned to maintain your focus on the long-term benefits instead of the short-term challenges.

Don’t underestimate the power of purpose in any relationship. Make sure you understand the reason you’re in that relationship and define the long-term expectations and goals early. If not, what may seem great in the beginning could eventually lead to a relational disaster.

Dream B.I.G.,
Paul Wilson, Jr.
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Purpose-Driven vs Passion-Driven Relationships – Part 1 by Paul Wilson, Jr.

Passion can be like jet fuel, propelling you with lightning speed toward your dreams. It can also be an intoxicating elixir that blinds you from the realities of the situation or circumstances you might be in. The passion that you leverage to accomplish great feats, is the same passion that can hurt you as it relates to building meaningful, sustainable relationships - if you don’t put passion in its proper perspective.
In relationships, you need both purpose and passion. Unwittingly, people tend to rely on the persuasion of passion more than the principles of purpose.
While I believe passion and purpose are both needed in relationships, there is a distinct difference in terms of the benefits they provide. Here are a few differences between what passion and purpose does in relationships:
o Passion provides connection; purpose provides conviction.
o Passion provides fervor; purpose provides foundation.
o Passion provides momentum; purpose provides direction.
o Passion provides motivation; purpose provides meaning.

Check back next week as I talk more about how you develop purpose-driven relationships.

Dream B.I.G.,
Paul Wilson, Jr.

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Uninvited Guests – Part 1

The more I research the topic of relationships, the more confirmation I obtain about the number of complexities men and women bring to the table in pursuit of healthy relationships. Most recently I explored the following question: “How Can A Seemingly Good Man or Woman Still Be Single?” Well…upon further review I’ve realized that men and women can appear to be good externally, have there material and professional ducks in a row, but noticed a number of their relationships are eventually derailed by uninvited guests.

Now you may be sitting there with a perplexed look on your face, but many of us (me included) have at some time brought some uninvited guests into our relationships. My next couple of blog submissions will take a look at several of these uninvited guests along with their impacts. It’s a good time to see if you can personally relate to any of these? If not, then share with a friend or co-worker.

For Men

Desperate Chick Memories – One of the quickest ways for you to disqualify yourself from being blessed with a Proverbs 31-esque woman is to bring memories of past desperate chicks along with you. Unfortunately, too many of our brothers feel as if ALL women are desperate and will do just about anything to say they are in relationships. This may be true for women with low self-esteem, who are uneducated or who lack proper guidance. However, women who bring education, self-esteem, self-sufficiency and a desire for relational partnership to the table are more interested in building a future than catering to your past. What does this mean for you? It means that you must be willing to embrace the progressive, entrepreneurial and successful mindsets in exchange for the insignificant, irrelevant ego-boosters from your past.

For Women

‘Outside’ Male Advisors – One of the quickest ways for you to escalate the anger level in a man is to emasculate him by placing too much focus and faith in outside male advisors. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t solicit information from men you value in order to guide you through situations. However, I am saying that you should allow men to grow, mature and develop through experiences without constantly comparing them to your fathers and/or pastors. One of the most frustrating situations from a man’s perspective is to have another man with significant input in your relationship when it’s unsolicited. I say this especially to my sisters who hold their pastors and ministers in high esteem. Please remember that your man->fiancé->husband is the one who needs to be empowered to make decisions without being compared to your fathers, pastors, etc. Your pastors and fathers each had the opportunity to learn through individual experiences, so please don’t remove this opportunity from the men in your lives. I know this may not sit well with some of you and that’s okay…I’m simply sharing the message for you to contemplate.

Stay tuned for the next edition of “Uninvited Guests – Part 2” as I will continue highlighting many of the uninvited guests that hinder the formation of healthy, successful relationships.

Kenny Pugh (kka 'KP')
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Getting Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable by Paul Wilson, Jr.

Sometimes the things that feel safest are the most limiting and debilitating as it relates to fulfilling your potential. Your comfort zone can actually become a cage that keeps you from flying and flourishing.

What’s interesting is that most people who never venture outside of their comfort zones always have this “what if” in the back of their minds. They constantly wonder what more could they be doing with their lives if they would just be willing to take a risk.

Faith doesn’t require you to be comfortable with your decision before you exercise it. Faith is your active participation as a confident demonstration of divine expectations. So whether you’re comfortable or not, stepping outside your comfort zone to do things that are unfamiliar yet beneficial shows God that you trust Him more than yourself.

Here are a couple nuggets to help you get more comfortable with being uncomfortable:
 You will stay stuck if you never challenge the boundaries of your comfort zone.
 Opportunities for greatness are not going to present themselves inside your comfort zone.
 You can’t flow in your gifts if you’re not willing to jump in the currents of obstacles and opportunity.
 If you’re afraid of criticism, get over it. Whether or not you’re doing anything, you will still get criticized.
 Don’t wait until you feel like doing something to act on it. Act your way into feeling, because opportunities will pass you by if you only act based on how you feel.

Growth happens outside your comfort zone not inside. If you want to grow your impact, influence, and affluence you must continually challenge yourself. What’s neat is that as you continually challenge yourself in new ways, your fear shrinks and your tolerance for new experiences swells. Your comfort zone increases.
Don’t wait for opportunity to knock on your door. Go knock down the door of opportunity. Don’t die with regrets for what you didn’t do that you could have done. And don’t live with regrets, envying others who are doing what you could be doing.
It’s time to jump. You are either going to fly or He’s going to catch up. No matter what, it’s all good!

Dream B.I.G.,
Paul Wilson, Jr.

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What Will He Find? by Kimberly Bradford

“He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord” Proverbs 18:22 NIV

Over the past few months in several of my social circles I’ve listened to women many of whom are single, talk about their dating experiences and or marriage plans. Across the board these women would be considered successful in their various fields and possess qualities that they believe qualify them as wife material but struggled in their romantic lives. Upon further conversation in group and/or personal settings, I found that some of my sisters in Christ continually struggle with this issue and it forced me to delve deep into my own personal situation to see what really lies beneath the surface. Everybody can recite verbatim Proverbs 18:22 but when it comes to really understanding that verse and the following passages in Proverbs, paying close attention to Proverbs 31, it shed some light on a very personal issue.

When you’re past a certain age and you’re single people love to ask the question, “Why aren’t you married?” The answers can be as profound as a dissertation, as complex as a finite problem, or as simple as “I don’t know.” Personally, my answer is both complex and simple: Until recently, I just wasn’t ready. Some would quickly add the rebuttal “It just isn’t your time.” Now that sounds good and sweet but really, there is some personal accountability that has to be recognized. So I asked myself one simple question: What will he find?

The bible says that a virtuous woman is one that: Her husband can trust, she will do him good and not evil, works well with her hands, she rises early, gives food to her household and to her maidens, is enterprising, industrious, her speech reveals her heart, watches over her household and is not idle etc. When I read that and looked at myself, I realized I had some changes to make.

How could I possibly think I was ready to submit to a husband when I hadn’t totally submitted to God? I could not be considered a virtuous woman if I told half truths that equaled whole lies looking to please instead of being honest. Have I been financially responsible? If I couldn’t let go of the past in order to trust him, how could I ever expect him to trust me? These are just a few of the questions that I asked myself and it wasn’t until I became brutally honest that I began to make progress.

Patience is a virtue and I as I patiently wait to be found I understand that this isn’t a season of idleness. I’m constantly working, making sure that I meditate daily and spend time alone with God for guidance and wisdom. With that, I’m spending time with Him so I’ll know how to treat “him.” I have to be prepared mentally, physically and spiritually for what’s to come and we all know that if you stay ready, you don’t have to get ready.

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Can You ‘Do It’ Standing Up?

It is absolutely amazing to me how many people strategically utilize sex to attract attention from those they have an interest in. Unlike many of my fellow brethren who proclaim the Gospel of Jesus Christ, I am not ashamed to acknowledge my past active sex life. As a matter of fact, I periodically reflect over my past personal escapades and recognize that chapter serves as a very relevant point of reference in my life. That’s why I am so passionate about the message I share with both men and women. I have had my share of sexual experiences and often chuckle at the various attempts women use to temporarily shift my focus. Why? Because I understand that physical fulfillment comes a dime a dozen. The question I will now pose in response to blatant and sly sexual advances is “Can you ‘do it’ standing up?”

Allow me to make this quick public service announcement to all of the men and women who feel compelled to utilize your body as a bargaining tool for establishing relationships. No matter how good you think your sex is…there is someone out there better than you! Now before you become offended, the previous sentence may not have been meant for you ;). Continue reading…

My Sisters
From the standpoint of pure sexual experiences, most men will admit that there is no sex better than NEW sex. That’s why it’s dangerous to become involved in relationships where flesh is the staple holding it together. Let an attractive woman with the bangin’ body cross the path of the ‘boyfriend’ who doesn’t truly care about YOU or value your friendship. The prospect of pursuing, entertaining and ultimately conquering the new challenge is much more exciting than dealing with you as the ‘old faithful.’ You could be doing EVERYTHING right, but will be left heartbroken if he doesn’t operate by the spirit and is unappreciative of the value you bring to the table. That’s why it’s important for you to ask him the question “Can you ‘do it’ standing up?” A man who can bring you spiritual covering and fulfillment standing up is worth much more than one who can only lustfully satisfy you lying down.

My Brothers
Now, I won’t allow my sisters off the hook because there are a number of women who are also driven by the flesh. Their actions and pursuit of sexual variety similar to the reality television stars also leads to heartbroken men. I think we often overlook the women cheaters, which is unfortunate because that component plays a part in the downfall of some male-female relationships. If you allow the wrong focus to stimulate a woman’s interest, you may find yourself in a situation where your quest for a serious relationship is camouflaged through buddy status or an informal ‘maintenance man’ contract. Before getting involved with the next woman be sure to ask “Can you ‘do it’ standing up?” A woman who brings you peace while standing up is worth much more than one who can only satisfy you lying down.

Can You ‘Do It’ Standing Up?
What do I mean by ‘doing it’ standing up? The reality is there are men and women in almost every setting of life capable of bringing you happiness lying down. Each of us who has tasted the forbidden fruit should have personal testimonies to support this. How many times must you go through the same test where you figure out the person you are dating is ill-equipped to satisfy you standing up only after having given yourself to him/her physically? Your quest should now center on following Christ and connecting with the man/woman who brings you happiness through non-physical means. Stop allowing yourself to remain in emotional bondage to relationships that hinge on 45 minutes – 1 hour (on average) sessions of physical intimacy with a boyfriend/girlfriend. There are 24 hours in a day and 45 minutes/1 hour pales significantly in comparison to the other 16 hours (24 hours/day – 8 hours of sleep) of involvement with someone who doesn’t make you happy. Don’t fail the same test again!

Next time ask if he/she can ‘do it’ standing up and here are some examples of what I mean:
1. Can he/she demonstrate a commitment to follow Christ? ( Luke 9:23)
2. Can he/she show the love of Christ in their interaction with others? (Matthew 25:35-40)
3. Can he/she offer godly counsel to you as a friend? (Psalm 1:1)
4. Can he/she show evidence of spiritual fruit? (Galatians 5:22)
5. Can he/she forgive those from their past? (Matthew 18:21-35)
6. Can he/she show support for the things that are important to you?
7. Can he/she show the ability to resolve conflict?
8. Can he/she produce a vision for the future?
9. Can he/she communicate effectively?
10. Can he/she show continual desire to improve in every area of life (spiritual, financial, professional, physical, emotional and mental, etc.)?

‘Doing it’ standing up has far greater impact to the purpose of life. Two people coming together with purpose is much more powerful than 1.5. Don’t allow temporary release to blind your ability to make good, sound, spiritual decisions. If you keep doing the same thing, you’ll continue getting the same results!

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Hopefully Helpless by Paul Wilson, Jr.

No one ever likes to feel helpless. No one likes to feel powerless to do anything about his/her situation. No one likes to feel lost without an answer.

Whether we admit it or not, we really are helpless… outside of the will of God. So although I realize that I am helpless without Him, I am extremely hopeful because I have all the help I need in Him.

We like to relish in the fact that we have abilities, talents and experience. Sometimes, though, we forget that it’s God who gave those things to us. And without His empowerment every single day we wouldn’t be able to do anything with all that we have been given.

We especially need to remember this when we are taking on huge God-inspired tasks that can only be accomplished with His strength. The key is not to focus on what you can’t do, but on what God can do. Just remember, if He has given you a job to do, He will also enable you to be able to do it successfully.

Sometimes, though, we unnecessarily overload ourselves when we zealously pursue our own passions and pleasures. The weight of these pursuits can become overwhelming, especially if they are outside of God’s will for us.

Proverbs 10:22 says, “The blessing of the LORD brings wealth, and he adds no trouble to it.” Ask yourself how much trouble came with the acquisition of your goal. Because if you are experiencing feelings of immense weights and burdens, it could be that you have acquired something God never intended for you to have.

When you are doing what He’s called you to do, you will have everything you need to succeed. When you’re not doing what He’s called you to do, you will never have enough.

Dream B.I.G.,
Paul Wilson, Jr.

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Dear God's Good Girls

I am writing this brief blog to the many women who are trying to do things ‘right’ according to God’s Word. I know I am NOT a woman and I definitely enjoy my masculinity, but I do recognize your current frustration in today’s environment of male-female relationships. Just so we are clear as to what my definition of doing ‘right’ is, allow me to further explain. Here are the characteristics of how a God good girl should operate based on MY interpretation of God’s Word.

1. God’s Good Girl has accepted Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior of her life. (1 John 5:12-13)
2. God’s Good Girl serves faithfully in ministry and enjoys doing God’s work. (1 Cor. 7:32)
3. God’s Good Girl is actively working to improve herself in ALL areas of life in preparation for the mate God has for her (i.e. spiritually, financially, socially, professionally, mentally and emotionally). ( Proverbs 31)
4. God’s Good Girl has forgiven all of her ex-boyfriends for their relationship failures and has purged all hurts. This includes acknowledging your contribution to the demise of the relationship. (Matthew 18:21-22)
5. God’s Good Girl recognizes that her body is a temple and protects (doesn’t give it away sexually), adorns (dresses respectfully) and preserves it (exercises). (1 Cor. 6:18-20)

Many of my Christian sisters are dedicated and consistently operate according to the principles outlined above. I also want to emphasize that nowhere did I mention that you have to be perfect so don’t place too much pressure on yourself to do so. As we see in Romans 3:23, “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” This includes the many pastors, preachers, evangelists and prophets who act as if they have the ability to walk on water.

If you fall in the God’s Good Girl category and consistently find yourself frustrated because you still encounter relationship challenges, I say do not let your faith waiver. I say to remain focused on the ‘main thing’ (salvation and Christian living) and allow God to orchestrate the rest. Believe me…I know this is easier said than done. Especially, as you watch those around you who operate in a less than godly manner continue to get married. Is there something wrong with you? Should you simply give up on the lifestyle you’ve chosen to live and go back to ‘dating as usual’? It depends…

There are a lot of people who are married, but not necessarily happily married. Don’t allow your temporary seasons of loneliness cause you to make a decision that will make your life miserable. We often get caught-up in the celebration of two people coming together, but rarely share in their misery of a bad mate choice until the relationship is virtually over. You’d rather continue persevering with expectancy in the God Who is able to meet your desires, than to give up and rely on yourself to make a flesh-led decision that may lead to further misery. What about the guys who don’t want to live with your decision to be celibate? The reality is many guys won’t necessarily embrace the idea (this isn’t the traditional minister answer). You have to make the decision whether you are open to giving someone access to something they don’t have a license to operate. A LOT OF WOMEN AND MEN DO! The problem is the attachment and bond that is formed through the sexual act and the inability to see clearly after the act is completed. I DO NOT recommend you eliminate a man just because he makes an advance at you. I DO recommend that you better manage your boundaries so you don’t find yourselves in situations where you have to deal with those advances.

If you’ve made the decision to follow God and His directives expecting things to operate in your timing, then you’re setting yourself up for failure. Everyone I’ve known that has tried to walk in alignment with God’s principle have all reached a point along the journey where they became a little frustrated and began to petition God for direction. However, they remained fully engaged in ministry and God placed someone in their path who they ultimately grew to love.

I know the journey can be somewhat lonely and another “Keep the faith,” “Keep hope alive,” and “God has someone perfect for you” proclamation from a preacher may not do the trick. Just remember…there are some God’s Good Guys out there who are going through a similar journey as you in their quest for relational happiness. The prayer is for God to continue preparing His Good Girls and Good Guys and allowing them to cross each others’ paths. As an unmarried man, I share in the same challenges as you to manage my fleshly desires while pursuing after God’s righteousness. It’s not easy and was never meant to be after the fall of man, but that is what will make each of us appreciate the treasure at the end of the journey.

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Stop Sharing Your Business

I am often asked who I share my personal life with by those who cross my path. The answer to that question is quite complex and can best be summed up by saying “it depends.” For the most part, I share a lot of what’s going on in my life with those who read my personal blog. I am naturally a very quiet person who enjoys spending downtime alone in order to sort out my thoughts, generate new ideas and decompress from the stress of wearing many hats. Fortunately, blogging allows me to expose that side of my mind to those of you who have an interest in learning more about what goes on in my head.

For the more intimate areas of my life, I have a number of people I solicit feedback and advice from. The one lesson I’ve learned over time is NOT EVERYONE QUALIFIES FOR ACCESS INTO THE INTIMATE PART OF MY LIFE. I have separate people/advisors who provide input to my business aspirations, spiritual growth opportunities, relationship challenges (YES…the relationship coach seeks outside counsel when situations arise :)), ministry direction and ‘personal mess.’ My approach allows me to place my issues in the hands of those with a level of competency to help. Most people seek out specialized counsel in all areas of their lives except their ‘personal mess.’ The problem with this is they share too much of themselves with the wrong person/people. Your ‘personal mess’ is something that should only be shared with people who are extremely trustworthy and who have demonstrated a level of trust over a period of time. I look to those who apply Proverbs 11:12-13 to their lives…“A man who lacks judgment derides his neighbor, but a man of understanding holds his tongue. A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret” The moral of the story is to identify people in your life who can hold their tongue. Otherwise, your secrets are as good as the ears of that person’s gossip friend(s). When in doubt, the Lord is your best source of confidence and direction.

If people around you insist on trying to learn more about your ‘personal mess,’ tell them IT'S NONE OF YOUR DOGGONE BUSINESS! :)

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False Start Relationships

Many people are being disqualified from relationship race toward marriage daily because they are running in races God never cleared them to start. In the sport of Track and field, the race officially begins when the starter gives the starting orders (On Your Mark...Set...) and concludes with the firing of a gun (GO!). At the sound of the gun all participants in the race are cleared to run and give their best because they've been cleared to start. If a runner happens to start before the sound of the gun, the gun sounds again resulting in a false start warning and places him/her on the road to disqualification. In some races, the runner is automatically disqualified even after one false start.

So what am I saying...

Many adults in our society are in the starting block of relationships, anticipating the firing of the starting gun. However, instead of listening for the starting sound from the Lord, they find ourselves hearing alternative starting signals (ie, lust, looks, wealth, power, sex) they mistake for an official clearance from God. God typically provides people the opportunity to retake their position in the starting blocks, but few ever do. As a result, the disqualification of relationships is evident in our society as confirmed by our divorce rate, single parent households and lack of value placed on the family structure. Let's wake up people!!! We have time to get it right, but let's break the chain of bad decisions and fleshly living.

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