Relationship Tip - 8/13/08

Relationships without adversity are similar to fools gold. They look good on the outside, but their core character is fake. Embrace relational challenges when they arise and work diligently to resolve them using biblical principles, the art of communication and compromise. The more you learn how to overcome relational adversity, the stronger your long-term relationships will be!

Marriage As a Living Picture

Here is an article that I found to be very interesting...

Do you realize that a Christian marriage is a testimony -- a living picture of Christ's love for His church? It displays an important biblical message. "The relationship between a husband and wife in marriage models the gospel. When explaining a Christ-centered marriage, Paul says in Ephesians 5:32, 'This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church.' The role of husband and the wife in a Christ-centered marriage is ultimately to point our hearts to the gospel of Christ" (Rick Pidcock, from internet article, "Having a Christ-centered Marriage").

You can see this throughout the Bible where marriage is referred to as a living picture, a living example displayed through those who are married, of Christ's love for the church. Christ is the bridegroom (a man who marries is to be a living example of Christ the bridegroom), and the church (His people) are the bride of Christ (a woman who marries is to be a living example of the bride of Christ).

Jesus Christ takes very good care of His bride -- to the point that He sacrificed His life on earth for her. He showed us through His example how to sacrificially love. When we enter into marriage we become models of God's love in how we treat each other for the world to witness.

The bridegroom (a married man) is to respond to his bride as Christ does for His church. He is to sacrificially love her in his words and his actions. He is to be faithful as Christ is faithful. Christ is then given the opportunity to display His loving nature through this man by how he treats his wife.

The bride (a married woman) is to show her loving respect to God through how she interacts with her husband. This is all a part of being in a covenant relationship with God and her marriage partner. She is to be faithful to her husband as "unto the Lord."

Think about it, it's got to break the heart of God when we distort His picture of marriage by mistreating each other. As author Charlie Shedd pointed out, "God wrapped His words around the relationship of marriage to describe God's love and relationship with the world." What does it say to the world of God's promises to the Church of His love, faithfulness and devotion for them when we hurt each other as husband and wife? And what example, what message are we giving out to others of the "transforming power" that God can perform in lives and marriages, when we as God's living examples, don't even utilize that power? It's a sad testimony that so many Christian marriages today are so weak and unhealthy!

We've personally known so many people who have expressed a disinterest in knowing Christ because of the nasty ways Christians treat each other and those around them by living unfaithful, dishonest, and dishonoring lives. If we, as people who claim to know Jesus Christ in a personal way can't act extraordinarily loving and gracious towards our marital partner, what makes others who don't know Christ think He will change their lives and marriages for the better in any way?

As believers in Christ, we're God's representatives -- His Love "with skin on", demonstrating through our marriages that God, Whose very name means LOVE, can take two self-centered individuals and help us to love beyond ourselves to the glory of God.

"A good marriage is a canvas on which God can paint a picture of how he's able to bring harmony. It's so God can unite two hearts so that somebody somewhere can look at that marriage and say, 'Whoa, look at the work God did there.' And that includes a whole lot of forgiveness and grace" (Dr Max Lucado). In other words marriage models the gospel message. It makes visible the "gospel reality of Christ's love for the church and the church's love for Christ" (Michael Lawrence).

Communication is the Lifeline to Marriage!

Here is an article written by Jimmy Evans from Marriage Today. I think this has some useful information that we should consider in preparation for a covenant relationship.

*********************************
Communication is the lifeline of marriage. From the beginning to the end, it determines the potential of every area of a relationship. Whether it is money, children, romance, sex or household chores, being able to openly and successfully talk things over is crucial to marital harmony.

Of course, just as in other areas, men and women are very different when it comes to communication. One of the essential differences that must be understood is the encryption that is necessary when speaking to the opposite sex. Let me explain.

Men and women hear through their deepest needs and inner natures. For example, a woman’s deepest need is security. She needs to know that her husband is sensitive to her and that he is sacrificially committed to her on every level. When she is secure, her heart is free to live and love.

A man’s deepest need is honor. He needs to know that his wife esteems and respects him. Everything his spouse does or says passes through the "honor filter" and dramatically affects his outlook on life and attitudes concerning their relationship.

When we understand our deepest needs and those of our spouse we must also realize that our communication must match our spouse’s nature in order to be successful. Another way to say it is this: When we are communicating in a manner that violates our spouse’s inner nature and deepest needs, it will create hurt, frustration and conflict.

When a man communicates with a woman, regardless of what is being said on any given subject, every word must be spoken with "security encryption." In attitude, tone, body language and every other way successful communication to women always conveys this message: "I love you and am totally committed to our relationship. I will sacrifice to meet your needs. You are on my heart and are my first priority." Unsuccessful communication is sent without this encryption and that is why it fails.

When a woman communicates with a man she must also equip every word she says with "honor encryption." Everything she says to him must convey this message: "I respect and honor you. You are a good man and I believe in you. I am your greatest supporter and biggest fan. I am proud of you and will stand by your side forever." Anything spoken without this encryption will violate his deepest need and inner nature and therefore fail to influence him as desired.

We must understand that when we are communicating with someone of the opposite sex they are made much different from us. Every word we say is encoded with an attitude that our spouse can intuitively pick up on. If you have been struggling in the area of communication, maybe you are having encryption problems.

Is Marriage Really for....???

Workplace topic of the day...

Will African-Americans ever experience success in the area of marriage? Or have we drifted too far off from the true foundation of relationship/marriage?

Below is an article from CNN that I found very interesting and it poses a question worth looking at:

Is Marriage Really for...???

Mrs. Allen had it all.

A career she enjoyed, a nice home, two adorable children and a husband. She shared her tools for success with me at an early age. She went to college, got married and waited until she was 26 to have her first child.

The perfect life. The perfect plan. It was one I decided to model.

My aspirations for both a career and family were set at the age of 12. I knew I could accomplish what Mrs. Allen, my fifth- and seventh-grade teacher, had. But as I approach 30 and measure the goals I had at 12 against the reality of life, the only thing I can check off that list is a college education.

I am a statistic.

And there are millions more like me. Forty-five percent of black women in America have never been married, compared with 23 percent of white women, according to the U.S. Census Bureau's American Community Survey in 2006. Articles like the one published in the Washington Post two years ago could lead me to believe that it's because "Marriage is for White People."

The difference between Mrs. Allen and me: She was white.

The numbers, undeniably, are not in my favor. But they have never been. Born black, raised in a single-parent home and primarily educated in low-performing public schools, I am not supposed to be a success story. But giving weight to statistics in my personal life only contributes to a culture of fear surrounding marriage.

This fear causes some women to make hasty decisions like staying in unfulfilling relationships that lead to unsuccessful marriages, which end in divorce (another dismal statistic). Or just the opposite: Women become so fearful of making the wrong choice, they find themselves surrounded by a moat with no bridge to their final destination: marriage.

For the past year, I have researched, read and conducted several interviews on this topic for the "Black in America" series. Producing a segment on the low marriage rates in black America was not without its challenges.

I wore my "black and single" crown proudly, withstanding jokes and heckles from coworkers and questions from fellow singles like Kriss Turner, a black woman profiled for the "Black Woman & Family" documentary who asked me, "You're in Atlanta; what's your problem?"

Why are you still single? I hate that question. Yet I am forced to confront it. What's the state of your relationship?

One reason: personal responsibility. Among the men I have dated, there were definitely some who were ready for something a little more significant than I was willing to give. Did I drag my feet because I wasn't ready? Or was it because those men weren't right for me? It's debatable and probably a combination of the two.

Mrs. Allen was white, but she was also part of a generation of people, like my parents, who married at an earlier age. Today, black women outnumber black men almost 2-to-1 in higher education. But white women are also surpassing white men in college enrollment and completion, according to the National Center on Education Statistics.

What is a rooted example in the black community is also sprouting legs among America's other racial groups. I am part of a generation of Americans who are choosing to postpone marriage while they pursue their careers.

My outlook: optimistic. My honest fear: It may never happen.

If it doesn't happen, it won't be because of a widening gap in the education, employment and ambitions of black men and women. I will not attribute it to a lack of options, intra- or interracially. I know the numbers.

On a macro level, the horizon is grim, but my personal experience reflects stories of black women and men who are married or very seriously considering it. Social and economic conditions are very strong influences, but so is the desire for love.

If I remain in my current statistical category, a single black woman, it will be because I missed someone while gazing at the ancient obelisks of Egypt's Karnak Temple, partying with expats in Hong Kong or simply spending time with family and friends in America.

It's more likely that the proverbial "The One" and I will find each other somewhere along the way. My life is not lived on a timetable or measured by how much sand has fallen in an hourglass.

So check back in with me in 2018. I may have a different story to share then.

What’s Love Got To Do With It? – Part 1

It’s interesting that a four letter word has such an impact, both positive and negative, on the lives of people all across the world. Unfortunately, the thing that most people chase (love) is the one thing that many cannot articulate the definition of. Now some of you may respond to me by saying there is no true way to define love and I will somewhat agree with you. However, if so many of us desire to desire this pure essence called love for relationships, then we must be able to put our arms around what it looks like so we will recognize it when it manifests itself in our lives. I have asked many singles groups to define what love is and many sit there in amazement because they have never put much thought into the question.

More songs have been written about love than any other topic. Love has been the bond between husbands and wives, parents and children, brothers and sisters and lovers since the beginning of time. Love has also been the source of many broken hearts, relationships and families.

How can people unite together in holy matrimony all over the country without being able to truly define what love is? Could this be why the divorce rate in our country is above 50% and the family structure has collapsed right before our eyes?
Love in the original form has been associated with physical desires (eros), esteem and affection (philos), but is more appropriately described as unconditional (agape).

Let’s take a brief look at what true love IS NOT!

1. True love IS NOT solely based on feelings – We all know that feelings are subject to change, so love based on emotional feelings is like a rollercoaster ride filled with ups and downs, but eventually comes to an end. This puts in the mindset that love can be turned on and off with the press of a button. Unfortunately, this is an inadequate depiction of the love you and I should be trying to experience. Yes…the degree to which you love someone may vary, but the core fire that ignites love within you cannot be extinguished.
2. True love IS NOT about what you receive – I’ve heard examples in the gossip circles (barber and beauty salons) about how someone displays love through the purchase of gifts and other material items. Any clown can purchase gifts, but you have to ask was the gift purchased to invoke a response? If the gift was purchased in exchange for future sex or favors, then the recipient is nothing more than a glorified prostitute. The definition of prostitute means someone who gives sex in exchange for compensation.
3. True love IS NOT solely physical – I have counseled countless women who have said they associate love with sex. This is an unfortunate occurrence that usually happens because love has not been properly modeled in the family environment in which they grew up. Men are also violators of this behavior. As mentioned in the previous point, love is not solely identified with sex. Sex is an expression of love between two people who are in a covenant relationship with one another. Notice I said covenant, but that’s a different conversation.
4. True love IS NOT conditional – I once told an ex-girlfriend that I would love her if she stopped wasting her life away pursuing hopeless endeavors and decided to pursue a corporate career. At the time I made this statement, I believed that love could be conditioned based on the involvement of two parties. However, as we will see below, love is extended to others without regard to their response to us. If anyone states that they love you ‘IF’ or ‘But’, then stop them in the midst of their statement and tell them to ‘kick rocks’ and keep it moving.

Let’s take a brief dive into defining what True Love looks life! The best description of love is found in the book of 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7. Unfortunately, my analysis of true love characteristics will have to be accomplished in two parts. Please allow this first set of love characteristics to jumpstart your mind on being able to identify true expressions of love.

1. True love is patient – Even when you feel like forcefully expressing yourself. Love bears pain or trails without complaint, shows forbearance under provocation or strain, and is steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity.
2. True love is kind – Even when you want to retaliate physically or tear down another with your words. Love is sympathetic, considerate, gentle and agreeable.
3. True love is not jealous – Especially when you are aware that others are being noticed more than you. Love does not participate in rivalry, is not hostile toward one believed to enjoy an advantage, and is not suspicious. Love works for the welfare and good of the other.
4. True love does not brag – Love does not flaunt itself boastfully and does not engage in self-glorification. Instead, love lifts and builds up others.
5. True love is not arrogant – Even when you think you are right and others are wrong. Love does not assert itself or become overbearing in dealing with others.
6. True love does not act unbecomingly – Even when being boastful, rude or overbearing will get you attention and allow you to get your own way. Love conforms to what is right, fitting and appropriate to the situation in order to honor the Lord.
7. True love does not seek its own – Biblical love is not selfish and self seeking. True Love does not try to fulfill its own desires, does not ask for its own way, and does not try to acquire gain for itself. Love, is an act of the will which seeks to serve and not be served.
8. True love is not provoked – Even when others attempt to provoke you or you are tempted to strike out at something or someone. Love is not aroused or incited to outbursts of anger. Love continues faithfully and gently to train others in righteousness, even when they fail.

I pray these characteristics of love help you begin to shape your ability to define what true love looks like and how to embrace love upon its arrival in your life.
Until then…I have provided a little entertainment from someone who has said a thing or two about ‘What‘s Love Got To Do With It?’

You Need a Commitment!

How many of you know someone in a relationship that seems to be going nowhere? How many years must go by before making a commitment or deciding that other options are desired? Today is the day where you decide that some type of commitment is required from your ‘friend’ or significant other. It is no longer good enough for you to wait while he or she finds himself or herself. It is no longer good enough for you to wait while he or she figures out what he or she wants to be when he or she grows up. It is no longer good enough for you to wait while entangled in a relationship with someone who hasn’t figured out whether or not they want you. It is time for you to have a grow-up conversation that will either solidify the direction you are both going in, or frees you up from a relationship that will WASTE VALUABLE TIME IN YOUR LIFE.

Life is an asset that has a predefined expiration date. You cannot add to or take away from the allotted time God has prescribed for you. Understanding this, why would you remain ensnared in a relationship that doesn’t align with your future aspirations or desires? It is time to make a firm decision to only allow those with like minds and goals to remain connected to you. If your ‘friend’ or significant other is not progressing towards the big picture goals you have for your life, then it’s time for you to set them free. Life is too short to remain connected to people who will hold you back from what God has birthed inside of you. Take control of your life and continue towards the destiny God has called you to.
Be blessed!

“Every day that you waste delays you from progressing towards your destiny!” --Kenny Pugh

Breached Relationship Boundaries

I had the opportunity to speak with a friend last night about an uncomfortable situation she experienced regarding an ex-boyfriend. She and her ex-boyfriend had not communicated regularly since their breakup several years ago, but he recently reached out to her due to a death her family recently experienced. Even though the initial call was to serve as a source of encouragement, he used this as an opportunity to re-connect with someone he had history with. To complicate matters he contacted my friend again to share an intimate dream he recently had about her. Now this may not seem too out of the ordinary, but this ex-boyfriend is now married with a family. The nature and timing of his call were shocking and caused discomfort within the spirit of my friend. Fortunately, she did the right thing by not entertaining the conversation and not feeding into the potential trap that could have presented itself.

As I sat and listened to this scenario, I began to ponder the various men and women who remain in contact with individuals from their pasts. The above scenario highlights a married man approaching an ex-girlfriend. However, some married women are just as guilty of remaining too close with ex-boyfriends.

1. Is there anything wrong with remaining friends with ex-boyfriends or girlfriends?
2. Upon entering into a serious relationship, do you discuss past relationships of your mate and request boundaries to be implemented?
3. Are there dangers of remaining connected to an individual you have a history with?
4. If you are friends with an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend, how do you keep the contact appropriate?

Remaining too close with someone you have history with serves as a potential source of discord and contention, which can lead to breached boundaries.