Is It Just a Fantasy?

Workplace topic of the week...

Has society helped women create a conceptualized view of relationships that they will never realistically experience?

Will black men ever catch-up to the expectations that have been placed upon them?

Do Something Unconventional!

As I sit here at my desk this morning, I continue to ponder why so many people never experience happiness during their unmarried season. Unfortunately, many (myself included), get caught-up in the redundancy of everyday life and never step out of the box to experience the new opportunities everyday life brings. How can we expect to ever grow if we never break the routine of working, going to school, eating and sleeping? When was the last time you did something unconventional?

If you cannot remember, then I challenge you to do something unconventional this weekend! Go see a movie with friends or by yourself. Go patronize a new restaurant in your area. Go serve as a volunteer at your local Boys and Girls Club. Go to the spa and treat yourself. Go workout and improve the temple God has blessed you with. If you don’t like any of the aforementioned ideas, then do something you’ve been wanting to do personally (go hiking, white-water rafting, camping, etc.).

Relationship Tip - 07/24/08

My pastor preached a message this past Sunday on managing conflict. While meditating on the message, a very important relationship tip was revealed to me.

"It is very difficult to have a true and validated relationship without learning how to overcome adversity and conflict."

The reason many relationships fail and marriages end in divorce, is based on the inability of two people to resolve conflict. The more I think about the process of dating, courting, engagement and marriage, the more I am an advocate of experiencing the four seasons of relationship.

I will do a future post providing a more in depth look at each of the seasons listed below.

Season 1 Infatuation - Usually at the beginning of a relationship when everything seems like Utopia.
Season 2 Reality Check - Usually follows the season of infatuation. Reality check occurs when you begin to see the person for who they really are.
Season 3 Adversity - This season can occur at any point in a relationship. Adversity is experienced when job loss, death, financial stresses and difference in views start to surface. Overcoming the season of adversity is very critical in the success of relationships.
Season 4 Status Quo - This is the season where things seem to remain the same within the relationship. Status Quo can be good if things are in synch with two people or can be bad if two people aren't seeing eye to eye.

These seasons can occur in any order, but most relationships experience these in some form. I would be extremely careful about declaring victory in your relationships until you have experienced the full cycle of these seasons.

True Meaning of Marriage

Here is another article written by Jimmie Evans of MarriageToday. If you are currently unmarried, then look at this article from the perspective of discussing it with your significant other (i.e., potential sexual fidelity).

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Have you ever wondered what marriage really means? In other words, what occurs when a wedding ceremony is performed that makes things different than before? Here are the three main distinctions from a social and legal perspective:

* We share assets and liabilities (financial unity)
* We become next of kin to each other
* We swear sexual fidelity and exclusivity

Marriage is a big deal. Even when you exclude the spiritual dynamic of becoming one flesh, marriage bonds us together with another person in a profound manner. It also makes us more dependent on that person than on anyone in any other relationship in our lives.

For that reason trust is a premium in marriage. And as you can see from the bullet points above, trust must be reflected in three main areas - finances, personal care and sexuality. When we are operating in good faith in those three areas, marriage is good.

However, when any one of those is compromised, a marriage is almost always significantly impaired - if not devastated. The three distinctions of marriage reflect the essential areas of commitment and care we must assume and continue in with good faith if we are going to succeed.

I encourage you to think seriously about these three areas. If possible, discuss each of them with your spouse and see if there are any problems you need to work through. As you consider these, here are some questions to think about:

* Am I diligent and considerate financially? Do I think about how my financial habits affect my spouse and our overall well-being? Do I discuss expenses or financial decisions with my spouse before acting?
* Do I care for my spouse and meet their needs? Are they the foremost priority in my life in practical terms? Do I put them off or take them for granted?
* Am I sexually faithful? Do I faithfully meet my partner’s sexual needs? Do I keep my heart pure related to temptation? Do I have any inappropriate relationships or conduct that compromise my marriage or my conscience before God?

It is important to remember what marriage means. It is even more important to work hard to let our spouse know that we are committed to financial unity, personal care and sexual faithfulness.

Equal Opportunity???

Workplace topic of the week...

How open are you to exploring relationship opportunities with people of different races?

Men are typically more open to dating women of different races; whereas, women are more likely to stay within their race in search of Mr. Right. Take time to personally explore yourself to see where you fit in.

Have you indirectly placed God in a box by saying that your spouse has to come in a certain package? Hmmmmm....

I'm interested in your comments so please feel free to leave them :).

Upgrade Me

Checkout today's Freelance Friday article written by Arlecia D. Simmons!


One of the most popular secular song’s of 2007 is Beyonce’ Knowles’s “Upgrade You.” In the popular R&B tune the vocalist articulates to her partner that her presence in his life can be considered an asset and not a deficit. While the song begins with an expletive spewed by her rap mogul boyfriend, Jay-Z, it is essentially a song about being a good helpmate. This embedded message does not surprise me, as I Corinthians 27 reminds that God will use the foolish things of this world to confound the wise.

If a song played in bars and clubs can articulate the importance of a woman standing by her man, then why is that our churches and families spend so little time talking about our individual roles in build healthy relationships? Instead of identifying the areas we must work on before we are suitable mates, we spend our energy outlining the characteristics we would prefer others to possess.

Single women often have lists of attributes we desire in a prospective mate. From year to year our lists changes; however, it is rare that we simply throw them away. Here’s a generic version my list: has a relationship with God; loves his mother; possesses a college degree; enjoys traveling and new experiences; gives back to his community… You get the picture; the list goes on for a few more lines. Even as Christian women we sometimes want our needs or wants to be met with little consideration as to what others might desire or require.

Do you desire a man with a high FICO score when you cannot get a 13-inch television financed? Do you require dates to take you to the most exclusive restaurants when you won’t even leave an appropriate tip at the local steakhouse? Have you said that you’d prefer to date a man without love handles, yet you are 40 pounds overweight?

Fifty pounds ago I was considered morbidly obese and I would look men and say some were too big to be attractive to me. It was only after taking a self-assessment that I realized that I did not reflect, mentally or physically, what I was attempting to attract.

Whether we desire a mate or we find joy in our singleness, we should seek to follow the path of the Proverbs 31 woman. In addition to be a blessing to her family, the Jewish woman is a respected businesswoman. She is able to manage her home and business, which creates multiple streams of income. Little is said about her husband, but we can assume that he was a “baller” in his own right. We learn that she was the quintessential example of someone able to upgrade her mate and gain his respect and trust: "Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value."

Before you continue adding attributes to your “He Must Be” list, consider assessing your strengths and weaknesses. I want a man that will patiently listen to the ideas I have for artistic works: however, I have to work on becoming a better listener? How fair is that?

1) What are the attributes you possess that would enhance a future relationship?
2) Are there emotional or financial issues that you might need to resolve before pursuing a relationship?
3) If you were to get married today, would you be able to cook your new husband a meal? Would he be able to comfortably sit in your living room, or would he need to call you in advance so you could clean your house? What are your views on the two tasks?
4) Do you believe that cleaning and cooking are responsibilities shared between mates? If so, would you be able to satisfy your end of the deal?

Arlecia is also a blogger and her site can be accessed at http://arleciasimmonsinspires.blogspot.com/

Dating Dilemma – Part 2

As I continue through my series on the dating dilemma, I would like to take a look at dating through the eyes of men. Unfortunately, men are the scapegoats when it comes to the dating dilemma, but I’d like to offer-up my support for the men. Men within the church face some very unique challenges when it comes to dating.

1) The Ratio of Women to Men – Unfortunately, the one aspect that is embellished by men all over America can also serve as a detriment. It’s sort of like a kid in a candy or toy store, too many options can impede the ability to make a decision (I won’t chase this rabbit, but it’s tempting). Too many options make it difficult for men to observe and truly collect the data important for making solid dating/relationship decisions. What is the typical result of a man having too many options? A man who has trouble making a decision and/or making a commitment. Until a man recognizes that there will always be more beautiful, sexy, intelligent women out there, he will continue waiting for the perfect woman, who rarely surfaces.

2) Identifying the Best Approach – Many men get this wrong and it usually shatters their confidence for future opportunities.

Here is a list of the wrong times to approach a woman for dating inquiries:
a. Before service begins on the way into the doors of the church. There is nothing worse for a woman than being interrupted on her way into the house of the Lord in order to receive a Word from God.
b. During the middle of service by way of a note written on the back of the church program. What are you here for? This isn’t your high school history class, so please pay attention to the preacher and the message. If a woman thinks you are attractive, you ruin it when you pull this foolishness.
c. At the altar when the pastor or minister is praying for the congregation. Please don’t try this! I’ve seen it attempted and it provides an awkward experience for everyone who witnesses it.

Here are some more opportune times to approach a woman in order to express your interest:
a. After church service is over and people are socializing in the hallways, parking lot or sanctuary. This is a great way to obtain informal information about a person you may be interested in. Take advantage of the informal opportunities for fellowship with your church brothers and sisters.
b. During a church fellowship where the environment is a little more relaxed and the traditional social barriers are removed. Church fellowships are a healthy alternative to the club life and prove to be more fulfilling long-term. Healthy church fellowships can remove the tainted taste of smoke filled clubs, strip clubs and gatherings that typically lead to a path of unrighteousness.
c. While serving in ministry. There is no better way to learn about a potential interest, than by serving with her in ministry. I cannot speak directly for Christ, but I imagine He would smile down on His children serving together in ministry while also developing a long-term relationship.

3) Making a Good Choice – Many men have experienced this hard fact. In the church body, a lot of women run in similar circles. As a result, if a man has his eye on more than one woman who may be friends, runs the risk of blackballing himself if he selects the one who he isn’t compatible with. The only way to avoid finding yourself in this predicament is to sit back and observe the behavior of the women you have an interest in. Based on a more thorough observation you can better assess the woman you may have more in common with, etc.

Overall, dating is a very challenging process and one most men get wrong. Hopefully, the tips above provide some insight on how to better position you for successful opportunities. In the end, God is sovereign, and He will position you to meet the one He has in store for you in His timing. Amen!