One of the more popular questions I receive when I state my position on pre-marital sex is ‘What happens if my mate and I aren’t sexually compatible?’
The question is thought-provoking, but there is no clear answer for those seeking permission to continue in worldly behavior. Some say a test drive is necessary in order to avoid future infidelity issues between a husband and wife. Some say sex is a major component in a relationship that should not be ignored and left to post-marriage chance. Some say it isn’t possible for two people with an attraction towards one another to hold off from physical interaction. There are several compelling reasons to support the pre-marital sex point of view. However, the one opposing argument I would like to present is ‘Do you trust God?’ If you trust God and say that you follow Him wholeheartedly, then you have to trust His ability to supply all of your needs…inclusive of sexual desires.
Sexual compatibility is often viewed as a natural chemistry…which is true. However, sexual compatibility is also something that can be learned through faithfulness, willingness to teach/learn, and willingness to explore new ideas and techniques. The trouble many couples experience is the temptation to compare to previous partners. You reach a relational pinnacle and now want the husband/wife in your life to live up to the compilation of the many previous sex partners you entertained. How realistic or fair is that? It’s not very realistic or fair at all.
Remember, love is the characteristic many casual sex relationships lack. Love has the ability to take an average casual sex relationship to an outstanding covenant sex relationship within marriage. Trust God and allow Him to do exceedingly, abundantly above all you can ask or think (Ephesians 3:20). HE CAN DO IT!
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I can't access the online chat room from work, but I wanted to leave a comment. This:
However, sexual compatibility is also something that can be learned through faithfulness, willingness to teach/learn, and willingness to explore new ideas and techniques.
Pretty much sums it up for me. When dating I look at certain characteristics of my mate. Does he desire to please me. When I tell him a certain thing displeases me, does he try to adjust to please me. Is he compassionate when he communicates something I do that he dislikes? Is he open to new things (in general) and can I trust that he has my best interest at heart.
If my mate displays these qualities in general - I have no reason to think that, if we're not compatible at first try, we won't be after we try to make it work.
Furthermore, I have to agree with the past partner comparison. Because I haven't had many partners (since being grown - we won't discuss some of the stupid stuff I did way back when) I don't even know what I like. I want to discover that with my mate.
Now I have not been completely committed to my celibacy vow - but those instances where I did slip in these past 16 years, I can't say I had good sex (mainly because after my moment of 'blacking out' that got to the act, I felt guilty and couldn't really get into it - but that's another story) - but I can say the best part was when I simply joined with a man that I truly loved. Based on those limited experiences - I don't doubt that the first time I make love with my husband it will be pleasurable to me. We may just have to work at keeping it pleasurable.
wow, it's been 16 years since I made that vow! I thought I'd be married by now - glad I didn't know then what I know now because I might have waited a few more years before deciding to be celibate
In light of a conversation that I recently had with a male friend this post was right on time. I don't agree w/the person in the chat room who said that if I have to explain my position on pre-marital sex then he's not the man for me. No one is perfect and no one has always been saved. We have to stop setting up sin hierarchies He could say if I have to explain to her my position on tithing or lying then she's not the woman for me. We all know that a good majority of church folks are still engaging in or are slaves to sins of the flesh. I believe that we need to meet each other with a little more grace and mercy and remember that we have some stuff in our own closets that the Lord isn't smiling on either.
I am waiting on my husband and I trust that God did not bring me this far to leave me and also that he will honor the sacrifice that I have made. I'm going to leave my future marriage in His capable hands, all aspects of it
I loved the post and the comments! This reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend of mine that I met in my home church that said she and her husband - although both saved and "committed" to celibacy - wanted to have sex before marriage to make sure it was going to be ok. So if it wasn't, would they not get married? What if you have everything else in place? So I think that for me, I don't think I've ever had the desire to test drive. My reasons for having premarital sex have been for other reasons - like just wanting to express our love for each other in a more intimate way. So I have since learned, after spending some alone time with my s.o. and NOT having sex, that we don't have to have sex and it is possible to wait until we get married and it may be more fun and interesting to do that. But thinking about it, it may also be easier because we already know what it's going to be like. I feel like I'm cheating, because I did test drive and it was cool and now I have come to the realization that I'm out of covenant with God and want to hop on the right side of the road again. Anyone else feel like that?
I appreciate the comments and candid expression. Please keep them coming because your thoughts help others keep things in perspective.
Anonymous - Recognize that your decision to get back on the right side of the road will be rewarded. Don't look in the rear view mirror of your mistakes, but focus on the rest of life that is to come.
There is a clear cut answer for those seeking permission to continue in worldly behavior. God gave us a set of instructions to live by. His word tells us not to fornicate. As a Christian my body is a temple where the Holy Spirit dwells and it is no longer my body and should be honored. The Word says we were bought with a price and we should glorify God with our bodies and with our spirit (character) as they are Gods. As a single person I should not be having sex to determine sexual compatibility the Bible does not give us permission to do so. Pre marital sex can not be linked to avoiding future infidelity issues between a husband and a wife. Sexual faithfulness is not determined by sexual compatibility. However, the Bible does tell me not to operate in the flesh. Besides if you use test driving the merchandise as an analogy to authorize pre marital sex then there is just another saying that will dispute it. Why buy a cow when you can get the milk for free? However, the Word of God says that to avoid fornication every man has his own wife and every woman have her own husband. We are not leaving sex up to chance we are leaving it up to God. And there is nothing to hard or impossible for God. God gives sex as a gift to the married for a purpose and in that purpose is for God and His Kingdom to get the Glory.It is very possible for two people to hold off from sex because God says in his Word that temptation is common to man but God is so faithful that the temptation will not be so great that we are not able bear it and he will give us a way and opportunity to escape (1 Corinthians 10:13). Know what your limitations are, recognize danger and dont play with fire. I do trust God to take care of me and supply my needs. His Word gives me that promise. I know God as a provider. God’s Word has also shown me over and over again that he has provided spouses without premarital sex so why is it so hard for me to trust that now and I know based on His Word there is still nothing new under the sun.
Sexual Compatibility is viewed as a natural chemistry…Since I am a Christian I am not living to please the natural. If I am then I am still trying to please my flesh and it’s still about me and not about God. As with any type of learning my Life Application Bible puts it this way it says you are either a wise learner or refuse to learn and become a foolish failure. So within a marriage you do have to be an active listener and hear what is important to your husband/wife because as it stands temptation is already always in the neighborhood you don’t have to constantly invite it onto your front porch to possibly creep into your home. Forgiveness is important in all relationships which include a husband/wife. It takes a whole lot for both parties. Let who is without sin cast the first stone. We all make mistakes and those mistakes are forgiven. Besides we all have fallen short of his Glory and toxins have taken hold of all of us in one way or another. And before I judge, I need to look at the ways my own behavior with my tongue and attitude have been and apply God’s instructions to me; getting the log out of my own eye before attempting to remove someone else’s splinter. As long as there was learning from mistakes there was growth and not repeating those mistakes is critical. As Christians we should not want our spouses to live up to past relationships because in most of my past relationships I was operating outside of the will of God and now that I am a Christian I am a new creature in Christ and old things are passed away and all things become new (2 Corinthians 5:17). My relationships are now different than they were before because I am operating under a new authority.
I know that God is love based on His Word. So if God is love then he is not part of casual sex relationships because it is outside of his will. We are operating in disobedience. We are open to God’s correction and discipline. We must obey his Word. Love is not a feeling or an emotion. It is a decision to be committed to the well being of others without any conditions (Rose Publishing). Love should rule our lives and actions. Love/God has the ability to take a relationship to an outstanding covenant relationship which includes a sexual relationship.
I read in a book by Rebecca Osaigboro that the reason we struggle so much in these areas of flesh because we really don’t know God. We know much more about God than we truly know Him. Because if we really knew Him, then we would know that he is able to protect and keep us. We would know him as our shield. We would know him as our provider. We would know that trusting him to supply all our needs including mate selection is very much possible. Therefore, test driving the auto before the purchase is just not necessary because it is already been worked out by God.
I love this blog! I know some people believe if you test drive before you get married, you won't have any sex problems. I know a couple who supposedly had a great sex life, but yet there was still infidelity. What is their excuse? They did the sex test drive before they got married. I believe the reality is men and women (if we look at our past) can all have great sex with someone we don't love. I think it would be a tragedy someone to marry me because he thinks I'm a great sex partner. God forbid something happens and I can't have sex for a couple of months. All of a sudden, the reason for marrying me is gone.
Another point is when you are in sin, your hearing from God is clouded. I am sometimes a little confused when I see people engaging in a relationship where you are having sex and doing other things God told you not to do, but somehow you hear God telling you that he or she is your spouse. I would think the only thing God would be saying is to get out of a sinful relationship, not rushing you to marriage. Remember, anyone that God sends us should push us towards God, not take us away from him.
Nice post. Really I liked it.
Thanks
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