How long will it take you to finally decide that the many expectations you have for your desired mate are unrealistic? I often ponder this question from a male perspective and it is something that many of us (male/female) never take a look at until it’s too late. If you take a poll of expectations for men and women coming out of colleges and universities, many of them will provide a long list of requirements that need to be met by a potential mate. However, when you look closely at the many expressed qualities and requirements, it is very difficult for any one person to meet the excessively long list of requirements. Unfortunately, many men and women hold onto this long list of expectations far too long and carry this list into their 30’s and 40’s while their years of singleness continuously increase. How often should we revisit our list of requirements for potential mates? I would recommend at least once or twice of year. You assess (or at least you should) everything else in your life regularly, your mate desires should also be included in this assessment process.
I have noticed many people, especially women; settling for mates later in life because they have operated for too long with unrealistic mate expectations. There is more evidence of this in the church, where men and women add spiritual maturity to an already long list of mate requirements. There is only one man who has live a life of perfection of earth (Jesus Christ), so you will not find a mate who can present a resume of perfection. However, it should be your desire to find someone who can help you fulfill the purpose God has for your life. The nine manifestations of fruit of the spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) are a great measuring tool for assessing whether someone is a great candidate for a relationship. Stop focusing on the material things that you can ‘see’ in life and focus on the great things a mate can ‘be’ in your life!
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Okay this is going to be a long because I got some things to say and it is very relevant to the topic and it may not flow because I learned so much over the weekend that it is just bubbling over to get out…so my apologies before hand.
Over the years I have thought about my laundry list of qualities I desired. Over time I would add things to this mental list based on the relationship I had just ended. Then the next relationship would manifest those updated qualities. However, when that relationship ended I realized that those things I desired just were not things I truly desired or I was not ready for at the time. So I stopped with the mental list. In fact I don’t ever think I wrote a list down to begin with or I lost it through the years but either way I never got around to writing or updating it. Because I was asking for things and I was no better than the things I was asking for and/or I was emotionally unhealthy to receive them. From time to time my friends ask me what I am looking for and from time to time I can rattle off a list of things that sound good but the reality is will a mate manifest all those qualities? Probably not. Will they pass the test one week and fail another. Probably so just change the situation slightly and the results may change drastically. Or better yet will some of those qualities manifest when I am present in his life or vice versa? What I learned some over time and some quite recently is that it is really not about my list because what I think I want may not be what God wants for me. I can not say that this is going to be about the Fruit of the Spirit because that is just not what he showed me. But I have been praying about this and I will share what I have learned and that is God created marriage, it is for his purpose, and it is really not about me and my list it is about the Lord.
Let me preface this by saying that this is life application for me and what I have learned. God separated me in the beginning and I would spend hours conversing with the Lord then recently God separated me again. I was truly at a low place and I couldn’t see the things right in front of me and I heard from the Lord and he asked me a question. Unfortunately I did not like the answer but with the question/answer came correction. You see for the past weeks I have been praying for this situation just to pass from me. However, he showed me that we tend to plead with him to remove the unpleasant things from our lives because it is uncomfortable and we don’t like it. But what God showed me was that his grace is sufficient for me. His strength is made perfect in my weakness. What I learned was that when he refuses to answer our prayer to take us out of the situation he is telling us that, this is not about you, this is about my grace. He showed me that in order for him to have his way in my life that His divine strength is through my weakness. Over the past few weeks I have felt and been overwhelmed with circumstances but God showed me that he was getting my attention. He showed me I need to lean on his grace instead of myself. He revealed to me that instead of looking at circumstances with self centeredness that this is my opportunity to die to my strength and allow his strength to come through. He showed me that the very trials I think are unbearable are the very trials that have humbled me. Again I was feeling pretty low. But He showed that a switch in my life was being made. God was working some things out of me like pride, impatience, giving up quickly the list goes on and on. And he was instilling in me humility, perseverance, patience, dependence on God.
Back to the actual list I can not say that God has revealed a whole bunch more to me about the Fruit of the Spirit. Yes it is given to all believers and it is up to us as believers to yield to the Holy Spirit so that the fruit can mature and become manifested in our life. He showed me that the man that trust in the Lord and whose confidence is in him will never fail to bear fruit (Jeremiah 17: 7-8). It is the character/spirit that God put inside of us as Christians and it is what others see, that reflects the God (Holy Spirit) in you. These are character traits that are growing and developing in me through my walk with Christ. How committed am I to the well being of others? And is it based on a condition or circumstance? Is my Joy rooted in how I feel from one day to the next happy or sad? Or is it gladness in the midst of the circumstance? Am I content where I am? Am I worrying or disturbed? These are traits God is working on in me and at this time in my life independent of a mate. Can someone use these as guidelines to determine how suitable a mate is for their life? I guess I never thought about it exactly from a biblical perspective with the Fruit of the Spirit. I must be honest. I do know that a person’s character/spirit will tell you a lot about who they are and how they will treat you. Are they giving off good or bad fruit? But what I am also learning more and more through study that the mate finding was not up to me. When the time is right then God will show us as singles the individual designed specifically for us. God is God all by himself. God can put a man and woman together to accomplish more than either of them could accomplish seperately to the Glory of God but it is according to his timing. I was reading over the weekend and the book was about how we as Eve should let God take care of Adam just as God is taking care of Eve and developing Eve’s character. The author pointed out that I am not responsible for Adam and his relationship with God and I can not fix or change Adam. When I focus on Adam either spiritually or practically then I have little energy to focus on what God is doing in my life. God is not going to wake up an Adam until he has worked what he needs to out of me. The author led me to Genesis and as I was studying I realized that Adam and Eve were both created at different times and differently. When Adam was created Eve was not around and when Eve was created Adam was in a deep sleep. And the idea of marriage wasn’t Adam or Eves’ but Gods. The mate finding was done by God. He knew exactly what Adam needed and Eve was created. As I was studying I realized something about Adam and Eve. I realized they went through some major things from the stand point of being a father, mother, husband and wife but then we say times have changed and my thought is have they really changed or do we just not trust God when it comes to the mate finding. Do we have to help him with our list and searching or does he already know us better than we know ourselves? With a list it is as if I am saying, “Ok God here is what I want you got it. Don’t miss this, Lord. And please don’t send me a mate if all the requirements on the list are not in that person. In fact let me help you out with this mate finding thing even though your word says you know the thoughts you have for me, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give me an expected end (Jeremiah 29:11) and we are called according to your purpose.” The question becomes who am I writing the list down for? Me or God? When I think about it, how funny is that? With God all things are possible yet I have a list of requirements that a mate must be and quite frankly he already ready knows what I need. His word over and over again shows us he is able to do the mate finding. When we have list in tow the person that God has for us may not meet all the expectations I had in mind so the question becomes will I miss him when God brings them around based on a preconceived list. God’s Word says that there is nothing new under the sun and more and more I realized the principalities are the same and the more things change the more they really do stay the same. So what God revealed to me is marriage is a living symbol of Christ and his love for the church. And that it is based on the principle practice of love not on feelings. And if called to the assignment of marriage then it is not about me or my husband it is about God which is much bigger than either person. As I read this weekend I came across a statement that applies to this topic and the author says that women (specifically) need to let go of unrealistic, ungodly expectations of men and know that Jesus is our Shepherd not a husband, Jesus is all I need not a husband, Jesus is my daily bread, not a husband. I hear from the Father. Why should I put all those expectations and more on a human being? The author goes on to say that no human being can be the knight in shining armor who meets all your needs only God can do that.
The author put it this way, “When you think it is all about you, you will miss a lot of what God is trying to do in your life and the life of your husband, boyfriend or brother in Christ. You will miss out on being the helper you are supposed to be in his life. When you think about your happiness, you’ll miss how the person who is different from you is part of God’s purposes in changing/growing you."
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