What is ‘Purposeful Dating’ and What Does It Look Like? (Part 1)

I know it’s been a week since my last post, but I wanted to build some intrigue heading into this ‘purposeful dating’ post. ‘Purposeful Dating’ is a concept that has been a long-time in the making, but has finally been confirmed in my spirit. I wanted to communicate this entry through one post, but need a second one in order to truly do it justice…SORRY!

Dating with a purpose focuses on getting to know the core character of a person before deciding whether to pursue them seriously. Purposeful dating focuses on the desired end of a relationship versus the immediate, temporal fulfillment. As created, men and women approach relationships from different perspectives. Below illustrates the process by which the two sexes process relationships:

Men
Physical Attraction –> Emotional Attachment –> Spiritual Connection

Women
Emotional Attachment –> Physical Attraction –> Spiritual Connection

Attaching to the physical or emotional before the spiritual (character) connection leads to a temporary, lustful, clouded reality. It also leads to a relational disconnect between two people who may have otherwise been able to clearly learn more about one another. Newsflash…it is only through the spirit (character) that you are able to learn more about a person for who they truly are. Character is comprised of one or more of the following…love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (also known as…the fruit of the spirit). Once you determine a person’s character makeup, you then know who they truly are. Purposeful dating allows you to focus in on the character versus chemistry, convenience or comfort of a person.

* Chemistry and feelings both waver, but character remains the same despite the situations presented in a person’s life.
* Convenience refers to a person appearing in your life at the ‘right’ time (typically after a hurtful relationship), but not because they are the ‘right’ person.
* Comfort causes you to become content with a person because of the time you have invested, which causes you to lose motivation.

Remember you can always find someone who makes you feel good, but the goal is to identify the person who is good for you.

Here are some things you want to know about a person before deciding whether to pursue them seriously:
1. Religious Beliefs - You need to understand a person’s religious beliefs. This may seem minor, but as time goes by it has the ability to cause a major divide in how a family is raised.
2. View on Family - You need to learn a person’s thoughts/perspectives about family. People who have a skewed view of family will struggle in the creation, development and nurturing of a family. Also, you need to have a common view on how the family should be structured (husband and wife both working or only one spouse working?).
3. Situational Behavior - You need to see how a person handles success, failure, death and adversity (also known as the 4 seasons of relationships).
4. Respect for Others - You need to know how a person treats others around them. Are they nice? Are they courteous? Or are they rude and selfish?
5. Respect for You - Most importantly you need to know how a person will treat you over a period of time. This is what makes getting married to a person too soon a detriment to both involved parties. I am a fan of the 4 seasons’ practice where you get to evaluate a person over time. However, I will deal with that in a future blog post.

You can obtain the answers to the above through a solid, foundational friendship. Intimacy IS NOT a prerequisite to friendship and will only damage the foundation of a long-term relationship.

What are the ‘purposeful dating’ do’s and don’ts?

Purposeful Dating Do’s:
1. DO establish relationship boundaries (no sex, no late night movies, no disrespect towards one another, etc.)
2. DO understand the non-negotiable versus negotiable qualities you are willing to accept from a potential mate
3. DO communicate regularly about thoughts, feelings and desire to continue forward in a relationship
4. DO identify accountability partners
5. DO enjoy the process of learning about another individual

Purposeful Dating Don’ts:
1. DON’T cross pre-established relationship boundaries
2. DON’T settle or compromise on your list of non-negotiable qualities you are willing to accept (ensure your non-negotiable qualities aren’t superficial)
3. DON’T avoid talking about difficult topics in your relationship
4. DON’T try to do it by yourself without accountability partners
5. DON’T contaminate future dating opportunities with past experiences

The above points are important because relationships are simply the mergence of two people’s pasts. This means two people attempt to put 20, 30 or 40+ years of individual personal experiences together with another individual’s. Seems like quite a challenge huh? Relationships aren’t meant to be easy and you would never appreciate them if they were. Stay tuned for part 2!