Monday, February 4, 2008
Chat Topic #1 - Are women settling too much in their relationship choices?
I have my own perspective on today’s relationships based on conversations I’ve had, or relationships I’ve counseled. In an attempt to remain in tune with the people, I’m interested in your feedback on the following question: Are women settling too much in their relationship choices? Please contemplate this question personally, with your co-workers, with your homeboys and/or your homegirls and post your comments.
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12 comments:
I am a firm believer that the energy that you put out is the energy that you shall get back. In other words, if you send out a message that you are lonely or just flat out desperate then one of two things will occur: your standards may shift (ex. "He doesn't go to church or is a nonbeliever but that is something I can work with because HE TREATS ME GOOD)and/or you deal with whatever cards are dealt just to fulfill the feeling of physically being attached. This is the point where one is considered to be setting too much. I really feel that many women settle because of feeling of emptiness, maybe a sense of urgency due to aging, or the underlying idea of the disproportion of the male/female ratio. Personally, I know individuals where they have settled and I must admit I have have been guilty as well. But the liberating part is realizing that God says "I speak words into existence. My plan for you was thought of even before you came into this world. All you have to do is accept my purpose for your life and I will grant you the strength to become a living witness that I NEVER LEFT YOUR SIDE" If you believe that you will never settle and know that GOD HAS SOMEONE FOR YOU (if thats in your plan)
Men and women settle but you asked about women...Yes we settle. We fall in love with the idea of love. We desire it and crave it so if we are not on guard and a pretty package is presented, we fall for it or make a conscious decision to be okay with it because we love love. And the idea of an appearance of love or a piece of love is better than no love. ~c~
Women who refuse to settle are often criticized and told that we have unrealistic expectations. Yes, I expect you to work and have some goals. Misery often loves company, so there are women who will accept less than a man's best because they don't want to be alone. He doesn't have to work, dream, or even love them in some cases. I think there are still a number of us who are holding out for a man that does more than breathe.
I feel that women do settle because they want that feeling of being "loved" and/or "wanted. And that's the wrong way to approach a relationship. When a woman doesn't want to settle, then we are looked as wanting too much and then men will automatically say "well that's why you're alone" and if that's the case, i would rather be alone then to deal with a man just to have "company." But to be honest, I'm not alone as long as I have God in my life.But is it wrong for me as a woman to expect certain things from a man. I want a man who has goals and works(doesn't have to be a baller) but at least he would be the type of man who would take of his family.Who's god-fearing or at least trying to be, etc. That's just my opinion. Any woman of God shouldn't settle anyway. He wants the best for you. Just be patient.
From my personal perpective whatever a woman want out of man she should meet those same standards. My sister be very careful about what you ask for!!!!
This is an interesting question because I was just discussing this with my mother the other day. I feel that there are a lot of pressures on women today. Pressure to be independent and submissive. Pressure to have children by a certain age. Pressure to play both roles of mother and father when father is no longer in the picture, or refuses to be. Etc. Whatever the case, often these pressures cause us to settle. Personally, I'm at a place in my life where I can't settle for just "a pair of britches" as my grandmother used to say! I have settled in the past and it cost me. Ultimately, I recognize that God has great things for me to do and I cannot accomplish those things with just anyone. I believe my mate is out there and I'm willing to wait for him. I also find that when you set your expecations up front and you have met those expecations as well, you will get what you give off and weed out the "britches" early on.
Define settle would be the first point, I suppose. I have found that some of the things that I insisted upon in the past are just plain silly. They needed to 'die'.
The litmus test in my 'now' relationships are determined by whether I know God's will can be accomplished through the union of friendship between me and ANYONE - whether it be friend or potential romantic interest.
I am HUGE on Serving God in various capacities - social, community, church, work, etc. Would it do for me to be helpmeet to someone who can't see beyond their own personal situation as they go about life?
Is the size of the man's paycheck what is most important, or should we be focused on the ideal allocations of how WE handle our finances in relation to what we bring in. It is not how much he makes, NOR his drive to make more that is going to make the difference, but HOW he chooses to allocate the funds that God has assigned to him.
Is accomplishing the goals of the Kingdom of God based upon my future husband's height or athletic prowess? Hardly. Sometimes, when I see my friends shift their focus in what they are responsive to in their relationships, it is nothing but a testament to Christ.
We've got to get away from being concerned with the WRONG things from the start to properly determine if we're coming out of line in 'settling' for something 'less'. Last I checked, God made us all. He's done a miraculous work in me, He's got the power to do it in anyone else as well.
Sorry to interrupt the flow of comments, but I want to define what was meant by 'settling'.
Settling, in this context, is accepting someone less than who you initially expected God to place in your life.
We all have desires for who we connect with long-term, but settling demonstrates a lack of patience. I guess I could also ask the question 'Why have we grown impatient with God?'
Some of us have grown impatient because we've seen some very faithful people still waiting. Take, for example, a few of my frieds who are 50+. As it relates to marriage, they've waited and waited. They've fasted, prayed, and it hasn't happen. The husband and children never came, and now it's time for the hysterectomy. These women are my mentors, so they're saved, smart, attractive, and funny. So if it didn't happen for them, I have to ask, "will it happen for me?" I'm going to run on and see what the end is going to be, but I often get weary and end up asking, "When God?"
I'm going to have to say yes! I have fallen victim to settling and I have seen many of my friends and family do the same. It caused a lot of damage mentally and spiritally in the long run for me.
I absolutely think (people) are settling in relationships; not merely women, but men also. I think one of the primary reasons is a lack of identity. When people (women) fail to realize who they are it makes them vulnerable to not choosing God's best. Not only are they settling, but they are compromising as well. The
question is always "what do you believe". Not surprisingly, many people don't believe they are worthy of what they desire. They don't believe that what they desire even exist. Most importantly, they don't believe God. Believing God consist of believing He has His best in store and that would prevent settling for less. Often times, people negotiate their beliefs and it leads to an unfulfilling relationship. I can go on and on, but that's a synopsis of my feedback.
I promise I am going to try keep this brief...
I found this question interesting as I really started thinking and praying about it. I decided to take the advise given on this blog and I asked my friends and family and I was surprised by the answers I received. I will say that my friends all had some valid points and I am still pondering some things they said but they all said yes we do settle. Then I asked myself this question and though I stand alone after talking with my closest friends about the subject, I will still stand behind what I am about to say because it applies to me and my life. I don't believe I ever settled on a person. I believe that each person in my life taught me something very valuable about me. As that relationship ended I saw something new about me(good and bad), what I did wrong, how I contributed to the demise of that relationship, what I needed to do to be better and was I gravitating to the same type of man (which may have given me the same feeling as settling). Basically what problems existed within me. I believe these relationships were only as well as I was at the time(I was doing wrong too) and those relationships were my character builders. Those relationships because often times operating outside of the will of God were lessons that I had to learn. Those relationships were preparing me for something far greater and more special than I ever could have imagined. More specific the man I would be designed for. My relationships ended for a reason but they made me stronger, wiser and better. Who I am now is a direct result of who God has called me to be through those lessons.
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