Sorry for the delay in posting this entry. I am currently out of the country doing God's work. As I sit here in the lovely country of Jamaica doing ministry missions work and blogging from my blackberry (please excuse any errors), I wondered why God instructed me to wait until today to post part 2 of the series I began last week. After a period of searching internally, the purpose of God's instructed delay has been made perfectly clear. Everything I mentioned in part 1 of 'purposeful dating' is very relevant to identifying and selecting the right mate for your life. All of part 1's 'purposeful dating' do's and don'ts should definitely be taken into account in order to preserve and protect the integrity of evaluating potential lifemates. However, part 2 of 'purposeful dating' deals more with understanding the totality of a person's love and respect for himself or herself and their love and respect for others. At the end of the day, bringing two people into co-existence with one another is all about a Christ-centered focus, love and respect.
-Love is the essence of being so into a person that you don't abandon them in the midst of their inadequacies, mistakes and shortcomings. Love is not about what you can receive from a person, but more about what you can give to a person (emotionally, spiritually and physically upon being united in marriage :) ). Love is all about self-sacrifice and not self-fulfillment.
-Respect, simply stated, is the ability to appreciate a person's being, opinion and/or perspective despite your feelings about them. Respect allows you to value a person to the point where disagreements don't prohibit your ability to receive from them and de-value their input.
As I continue to spend time in personal reflection, it is becoming more apparent that the relationships we all desire to possess have been clouded by the superficiality of our culture, society and ourselves. The source of most 'contemporary dating' failures center around selfishness, lack of love for ourselves and lack of respect (the inability to control the thoughts and actions of those we 'date').
Last night prior to speaking at a local church here in Jamaica, I had a conversation with a pastor that literally blew me away. He spoke about how Americans have lost the true understanding and meaning of relationships. He continued by saying that we are so driven by materialism, timelines and self-gratification that we have lost the true essence of what defines relationships (love and respect). The Jamaicans believe that Americans associate with others based on convenience. We have become so consumed by professional advancement, money and power that we no longer appreciate genuine relationships.
It's amazing how we can pour so much time, effort and forgiveness into things that mean so little, but yet limit the same effort towards people that 'supposedly' mean so much to us. A challenge to myself, and you as readers, is to increase the level of love and respect we demonstrate towards those in our friendship circles, workplace associations and our family relationships. If we continue developing our personal relationship skills, we will be able to quickly discern/identify potential mates who are worth investing time in. As we become more experienced in developing casual relationships, we will have more success with our 'purposeful dating' relationships. The belief is that God will bless our faithfulness, but as with all relationships...they begin with you.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
What is ‘Purposeful Dating’ and What Does It Look Like? (Part 1)
I know it’s been a week since my last post, but I wanted to build some intrigue heading into this ‘purposeful dating’ post. ‘Purposeful Dating’ is a concept that has been a long-time in the making, but has finally been confirmed in my spirit. I wanted to communicate this entry through one post, but need a second one in order to truly do it justice…SORRY!
Dating with a purpose focuses on getting to know the core character of a person before deciding whether to pursue them seriously. Purposeful dating focuses on the desired end of a relationship versus the immediate, temporal fulfillment. As created, men and women approach relationships from different perspectives. Below illustrates the process by which the two sexes process relationships:
Men
Physical Attraction –> Emotional Attachment –> Spiritual Connection
Women
Emotional Attachment –> Physical Attraction –> Spiritual Connection
Attaching to the physical or emotional before the spiritual (character) connection leads to a temporary, lustful, clouded reality. It also leads to a relational disconnect between two people who may have otherwise been able to clearly learn more about one another. Newsflash…it is only through the spirit (character) that you are able to learn more about a person for who they truly are. Character is comprised of one or more of the following…love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (also known as…the fruit of the spirit). Once you determine a person’s character makeup, you then know who they truly are. Purposeful dating allows you to focus in on the character versus chemistry, convenience or comfort of a person.
* Chemistry and feelings both waver, but character remains the same despite the situations presented in a person’s life.
* Convenience refers to a person appearing in your life at the ‘right’ time (typically after a hurtful relationship), but not because they are the ‘right’ person.
* Comfort causes you to become content with a person because of the time you have invested, which causes you to lose motivation.
Remember you can always find someone who makes you feel good, but the goal is to identify the person who is good for you.
Here are some things you want to know about a person before deciding whether to pursue them seriously:
1. Religious Beliefs - You need to understand a person’s religious beliefs. This may seem minor, but as time goes by it has the ability to cause a major divide in how a family is raised.
2. View on Family - You need to learn a person’s thoughts/perspectives about family. People who have a skewed view of family will struggle in the creation, development and nurturing of a family. Also, you need to have a common view on how the family should be structured (husband and wife both working or only one spouse working?).
3. Situational Behavior - You need to see how a person handles success, failure, death and adversity (also known as the 4 seasons of relationships).
4. Respect for Others - You need to know how a person treats others around them. Are they nice? Are they courteous? Or are they rude and selfish?
5. Respect for You - Most importantly you need to know how a person will treat you over a period of time. This is what makes getting married to a person too soon a detriment to both involved parties. I am a fan of the 4 seasons’ practice where you get to evaluate a person over time. However, I will deal with that in a future blog post.
You can obtain the answers to the above through a solid, foundational friendship. Intimacy IS NOT a prerequisite to friendship and will only damage the foundation of a long-term relationship.
What are the ‘purposeful dating’ do’s and don’ts?
Purposeful Dating Do’s:
1. DO establish relationship boundaries (no sex, no late night movies, no disrespect towards one another, etc.)
2. DO understand the non-negotiable versus negotiable qualities you are willing to accept from a potential mate
3. DO communicate regularly about thoughts, feelings and desire to continue forward in a relationship
4. DO identify accountability partners
5. DO enjoy the process of learning about another individual
Purposeful Dating Don’ts:
1. DON’T cross pre-established relationship boundaries
2. DON’T settle or compromise on your list of non-negotiable qualities you are willing to accept (ensure your non-negotiable qualities aren’t superficial)
3. DON’T avoid talking about difficult topics in your relationship
4. DON’T try to do it by yourself without accountability partners
5. DON’T contaminate future dating opportunities with past experiences
The above points are important because relationships are simply the mergence of two people’s pasts. This means two people attempt to put 20, 30 or 40+ years of individual personal experiences together with another individual’s. Seems like quite a challenge huh? Relationships aren’t meant to be easy and you would never appreciate them if they were. Stay tuned for part 2!
Dating with a purpose focuses on getting to know the core character of a person before deciding whether to pursue them seriously. Purposeful dating focuses on the desired end of a relationship versus the immediate, temporal fulfillment. As created, men and women approach relationships from different perspectives. Below illustrates the process by which the two sexes process relationships:
Men
Physical Attraction –> Emotional Attachment –> Spiritual Connection
Women
Emotional Attachment –> Physical Attraction –> Spiritual Connection
Attaching to the physical or emotional before the spiritual (character) connection leads to a temporary, lustful, clouded reality. It also leads to a relational disconnect between two people who may have otherwise been able to clearly learn more about one another. Newsflash…it is only through the spirit (character) that you are able to learn more about a person for who they truly are. Character is comprised of one or more of the following…love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control (also known as…the fruit of the spirit). Once you determine a person’s character makeup, you then know who they truly are. Purposeful dating allows you to focus in on the character versus chemistry, convenience or comfort of a person.
* Chemistry and feelings both waver, but character remains the same despite the situations presented in a person’s life.
* Convenience refers to a person appearing in your life at the ‘right’ time (typically after a hurtful relationship), but not because they are the ‘right’ person.
* Comfort causes you to become content with a person because of the time you have invested, which causes you to lose motivation.
Remember you can always find someone who makes you feel good, but the goal is to identify the person who is good for you.
Here are some things you want to know about a person before deciding whether to pursue them seriously:
1. Religious Beliefs - You need to understand a person’s religious beliefs. This may seem minor, but as time goes by it has the ability to cause a major divide in how a family is raised.
2. View on Family - You need to learn a person’s thoughts/perspectives about family. People who have a skewed view of family will struggle in the creation, development and nurturing of a family. Also, you need to have a common view on how the family should be structured (husband and wife both working or only one spouse working?).
3. Situational Behavior - You need to see how a person handles success, failure, death and adversity (also known as the 4 seasons of relationships).
4. Respect for Others - You need to know how a person treats others around them. Are they nice? Are they courteous? Or are they rude and selfish?
5. Respect for You - Most importantly you need to know how a person will treat you over a period of time. This is what makes getting married to a person too soon a detriment to both involved parties. I am a fan of the 4 seasons’ practice where you get to evaluate a person over time. However, I will deal with that in a future blog post.
You can obtain the answers to the above through a solid, foundational friendship. Intimacy IS NOT a prerequisite to friendship and will only damage the foundation of a long-term relationship.
What are the ‘purposeful dating’ do’s and don’ts?
Purposeful Dating Do’s:
1. DO establish relationship boundaries (no sex, no late night movies, no disrespect towards one another, etc.)
2. DO understand the non-negotiable versus negotiable qualities you are willing to accept from a potential mate
3. DO communicate regularly about thoughts, feelings and desire to continue forward in a relationship
4. DO identify accountability partners
5. DO enjoy the process of learning about another individual
Purposeful Dating Don’ts:
1. DON’T cross pre-established relationship boundaries
2. DON’T settle or compromise on your list of non-negotiable qualities you are willing to accept (ensure your non-negotiable qualities aren’t superficial)
3. DON’T avoid talking about difficult topics in your relationship
4. DON’T try to do it by yourself without accountability partners
5. DON’T contaminate future dating opportunities with past experiences
The above points are important because relationships are simply the mergence of two people’s pasts. This means two people attempt to put 20, 30 or 40+ years of individual personal experiences together with another individual’s. Seems like quite a challenge huh? Relationships aren’t meant to be easy and you would never appreciate them if they were. Stay tuned for part 2!
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Why ‘Contemporary Dating’ Has Destroyed Our Society!
Without further delay, I’ve finally decided to post my personal stance on ‘contemporary dating.’ I have gone back and forth debating, arguing and persuading various individuals on my dating perspective with varying degrees of success. Because of the societal and cultural relevance of today, it is almost impossible to convert the thinking of the 20 and 30-year old individuals about something they personally practice. I once paraded around adamantly declaring my anti-dating stance, but was often met with opposition from others seeking to disprove my perspective. After deliberating the core discussion points between me and others, the main source(s) of contention centers on terminology and semantics. As a result of my review, I will modify my anti-dating stance and try to compromise in an effort to convey my perspective.
I will simply redefine my perspective as ‘purposeful dating’ versus today’s ‘contemporary dating’. Purposeful dating is more aligned with the old school mentality of getting to know someone before heading down the path of courtship (to be defined later). However, ‘contemporary dating’ is practiced by about 95% of today’s population. As a result, the ‘contemporary dating’ seems to be a significant contributor to today’s troubled relationships. There is no coincidence the lack of truly getting to know someone prior to holy matrimony has led to the inflated number of divorces we see in our society (50-60%). A friend and I were discussing the impact of divorce on our society and it relates to ‘contemporary dating.’ The first thing I find interesting is the lack of discrimination divorce has on our society. It cannot be traced 100% to race, economic class, religious association or profession. However, you can often trace divorce to two individuals who practiced ‘contemporary dating.’ The following constitutes the definition from which I base all of my research and evaluation.
Contemporary Dating – A casual relationship with no predefined purpose, initiated through casual acquaintance and often substantiated by physical appearance. This simply means that you met someone at the club, grocery store or any other place and felt your interest peaked by their physical appearance. However, physical appearances often lead you astray from a person’s character, which is the source of who they really are.
Casual sex, false love, selfish desire, displaced boundaries and miscalculated friendships are all characteristics of ‘contemporary dating’ and serve as catalysts that seek to uproot the foundation of true relationships. ‘Contemporary dating’ has left our society with the following for upcoming generations to overcome:
1. Increase in sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s)
2. Increase in the number children born out of wedlock
3. Increase in single-parent households (meaning parents of children born out of wedlock never decide to marry)
4. Increase in the number of divorces
5. Decrease in the number of healthy relationships to model after
Points 1, 2 and 3 can be directly correlated to the amount of casual sex that takes place as a result of ‘contemporary dating.’ Our society promotes sex as the personal fulfillment component within a relationship that can be participated in if two consenting people mutually agree. However, the problem with casual sex is it places a cloud over relationships, causing a natural detraction from fully nurturing and developing a relationship. It is virtually impossible for two people to remain on the same page relationally when the sex boundary has been crossed because of emotional attachment. Once sexual emotions enter into a relationship, it is difficult to balance the physical attachment (for men) and the emotional attachment (for women). As a result, we’ve seen ongoing relationship breakups leading to an increase in STD’s, unplanned pregnancies and single parenthood.
Points 4 and 5 can be attributed to two people never really getting a chance to learn and know one another prior to making a marital covenant. In today’s society, we might as well take the “until death do us part” clause out of the marriage ceremony. The following may work better:
- “until he or she gets on my nerves”
- “until he or she loses their job and finances get tight”
- “until he or she doesn’t satisfy me sexually”
- “until he or she no longer has the popularity or power they had when we first got married”
I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Relationships are no longer a priority in our society as a result of ‘contemporary dating.’ Contemporary dating serves as an uncompromising, self-centered hobby that we can opt out of once we get upset or bored. We then take the opt-out clause into marriage where many people have chosen to invoke it. We keep practicing the same ritualistic habits, expecting a different result, which is the working definition of insanity.
I know you are probably thinking to yourself “What is the alternative?” Well...I will cover the components of ‘purposeful dating’ in my next blog post.
I will simply redefine my perspective as ‘purposeful dating’ versus today’s ‘contemporary dating’. Purposeful dating is more aligned with the old school mentality of getting to know someone before heading down the path of courtship (to be defined later). However, ‘contemporary dating’ is practiced by about 95% of today’s population. As a result, the ‘contemporary dating’ seems to be a significant contributor to today’s troubled relationships. There is no coincidence the lack of truly getting to know someone prior to holy matrimony has led to the inflated number of divorces we see in our society (50-60%). A friend and I were discussing the impact of divorce on our society and it relates to ‘contemporary dating.’ The first thing I find interesting is the lack of discrimination divorce has on our society. It cannot be traced 100% to race, economic class, religious association or profession. However, you can often trace divorce to two individuals who practiced ‘contemporary dating.’ The following constitutes the definition from which I base all of my research and evaluation.
Contemporary Dating – A casual relationship with no predefined purpose, initiated through casual acquaintance and often substantiated by physical appearance. This simply means that you met someone at the club, grocery store or any other place and felt your interest peaked by their physical appearance. However, physical appearances often lead you astray from a person’s character, which is the source of who they really are.
Casual sex, false love, selfish desire, displaced boundaries and miscalculated friendships are all characteristics of ‘contemporary dating’ and serve as catalysts that seek to uproot the foundation of true relationships. ‘Contemporary dating’ has left our society with the following for upcoming generations to overcome:
1. Increase in sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s)
2. Increase in the number children born out of wedlock
3. Increase in single-parent households (meaning parents of children born out of wedlock never decide to marry)
4. Increase in the number of divorces
5. Decrease in the number of healthy relationships to model after
Points 1, 2 and 3 can be directly correlated to the amount of casual sex that takes place as a result of ‘contemporary dating.’ Our society promotes sex as the personal fulfillment component within a relationship that can be participated in if two consenting people mutually agree. However, the problem with casual sex is it places a cloud over relationships, causing a natural detraction from fully nurturing and developing a relationship. It is virtually impossible for two people to remain on the same page relationally when the sex boundary has been crossed because of emotional attachment. Once sexual emotions enter into a relationship, it is difficult to balance the physical attachment (for men) and the emotional attachment (for women). As a result, we’ve seen ongoing relationship breakups leading to an increase in STD’s, unplanned pregnancies and single parenthood.
Points 4 and 5 can be attributed to two people never really getting a chance to learn and know one another prior to making a marital covenant. In today’s society, we might as well take the “until death do us part” clause out of the marriage ceremony. The following may work better:
- “until he or she gets on my nerves”
- “until he or she loses their job and finances get tight”
- “until he or she doesn’t satisfy me sexually”
- “until he or she no longer has the popularity or power they had when we first got married”
I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Relationships are no longer a priority in our society as a result of ‘contemporary dating.’ Contemporary dating serves as an uncompromising, self-centered hobby that we can opt out of once we get upset or bored. We then take the opt-out clause into marriage where many people have chosen to invoke it. We keep practicing the same ritualistic habits, expecting a different result, which is the working definition of insanity.
I know you are probably thinking to yourself “What is the alternative?” Well...I will cover the components of ‘purposeful dating’ in my next blog post.
Mr. Right versus Mr. Good Enough
Here is a link to an article that discusses the plight many women discuss/debate today...
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/23053553/
Why it's okay to settle at pre-defined points in your life is the main focus of this article. Please read and provide your feedback :)
KP
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/23053553/
Why it's okay to settle at pre-defined points in your life is the main focus of this article. Please read and provide your feedback :)
KP
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Chat Topic #2 - Is there anything wrong with having companionship while waiting for God to send your mate?
God recognizes that we all have a desire for companionship in some form or fashion. Are we wrong for seeking companionship in the absence of long-term relationship? Does God really want us to be alone?
Monday, February 4, 2008
Chat Topic #1 - Are women settling too much in their relationship choices?
I have my own perspective on today’s relationships based on conversations I’ve had, or relationships I’ve counseled. In an attempt to remain in tune with the people, I’m interested in your feedback on the following question: Are women settling too much in their relationship choices? Please contemplate this question personally, with your co-workers, with your homeboys and/or your homegirls and post your comments.
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