Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Good Places for Friendship Outings??
I don't believe in dating, but will share more about that in my next post. In the meantime, I need your assistance in compiling a list of places for first time ‘friendship’ outings…more popularly known as dates. I’ve had some discussions debating good places for those interested in learning more about one another. However, many of the places people often choose do not provide an opportunity to share in meaningful conversation (i.e., movies). Why go out with someone if you DO NOT have an opportunity to truly learn more about them? I am looking for your recommendations so they can be shared with others. Respond in the comments section or e-mail me at kenny@kennypugh.com. Thanks in advance!
Monday, January 28, 2008
Return to Spiritual Disciplines
In Jeremiah 30:17, God says He will restore health and heal wounds "because you are called an outcast, Zion for whom no one cares." Is this the condition of the church today? No one cares for it? We know that we are labeled an outcast by the world. They have no use for us. Do we not sit in obscurity?
Please click the link below to read the article in its entirety
http://www.lifeway.com/lwc/article_main_page/0%2C1703%2CA%25253D166981%252526M%25253D200726%2C00.html?emid=137
Please click the link below to read the article in its entirety
http://www.lifeway.com/lwc/article_main_page/0%2C1703%2CA%25253D166981%252526M%25253D200726%2C00.html?emid=137
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Relationship Tip of the Week - 1/24/2008
Many of you confuse the end of a relationship with failure. Closure in your relationships DOES NOT mean failure! Closure in your relationships actually exemplifies victory and frees you up for what God truly has for you. Remaining in relationships that don’t add value or bring joy to your life is the manifested definition of failure. This is not limited to intimate relationships, but can also be applied to family and workplace relationships. God bless!
Monday, January 21, 2008
Which Man Are You? (part 2)
Thanks for joining me for part 2 of ‘Which Man Are You?’ As promised, I will conclude the categorical analysis that I started last week. To recap, we previously took a look at Mr. ‘Insecure,’ Mr. ‘Good Guy,’ Mr. ‘Bag Man’ and Mr. ‘Superficial’. For additional information on the aforementioned groups, please refer to my previous post.
As with the previous descriptions, men may fall into one or more of these categories and transition in and out based on various seasons in their lives. To be honest, I have found myself as Mr. ‘Insecure’, Mr. ‘Good Guy’ and Mr. ‘Bag Man’ at various points in my life. However, my relationship with God has given me the courage to acknowledge and address my shortcomings. Without further delay, let’s look at the final four categories:
5. Mr. ‘Wolf in Sheep Clothing’ – I don’t want to give too much airtime to this group of individuals because it sickens me to think that this group exists in very large numbers. This individual presents himself as one of pure motives and exudes the confidence and interest that most women desire. However, upon further review, exploration and after a period of time, the truth about a wife or other lie finally comes to the surface. Why do you hide significant details about your relational status and life when you know that someone is going to get hurt in the end? Is it the thrill of adventure? Is it the desire to continuously upgrade? Remember that everything done in the dark eventually comes to light. If you struggle in this area, pray to God to establish order and commitment in your life. Families and relationships are being destroyed everyday and we need honesty and commitment to reappear as cornerstones in relationships.
6. Mr. ‘Fear of Commitment’ – Most men today find themselves in this category during the explorative phase in their lives. This individual gets enjoyment by being connected to women, but not being committed to them. I was one of the best at leading women down the ambiguous path of a relationship in search of something that would probably never appear. This individual finds fulfillment in building a ‘perfect’ woman through qualities of several different women in his life. It is an awesome fantasy to take bits and pieces of each person, and utilize the pieces to build what you view as a ‘perfect’ mate. The detriment to this approach is that you cater to a mentality that promotes perfection when individual perfection does not exist. In the process of creating mental perfection, you destroy the reality of what makes up our humanity. You typically find yourself in long drawn-out relationships that never make it past the boyfriend/girlfriend phase. You find yourself continuing to go out partying and being a social butterfly even though you have a ‘girlfriend’. You get really agitated and upset whenever the subject of relational permanency is initiated by your ‘girlfriend.’ In the end, Mr. ‘Fear of Commitment’ loves being associated with relationships, but you can never make-up your mind.
7. Mr. ‘Overconfident’ – If you specialize in telling others about yourself, then this is your category. Ever since you were born the world revolved around you. You got it going on, have the nice-paying corporate job or own your own successful business and have your pick of any woman (according to your own perception). Unfortunately, you never get a chance to acknowledge the value others can add to your life because you are only concerned about yourself and what others can do for you. There is nothing wrong with having a general level of overall confidence, but the problem occurs when you exceed the accepted level. You operate with sort of a barterer’s mentality, flashing material items and connections for the sole purpose of impressing and receiving from others. The unique thing about being Mr. ‘Overconfident’ is you probably don’t recognize it! Women are speaking negatively behind your back to others and you have no idea this opinion exists about you. If you have a hunch that this might be you, please consult a close female friend who will offer an unbiased response to your question. The good thing about being Mr. ‘Overconfident’ is that you only have to tone down your self-promotion a notch in order to cross back over to an attractive level of confidence.
8. Mr. ‘Good Catch’ – This is the man most women dream about, but have so much trouble recognizing because of the other men who co-exist. You are the one created by God and you are connected through a relationship with Him. You possess an unquenchable fire and passion to progress in life. Remaining stagnant in life is NOT an option. You continue the chivalrous gestures that once upon a time defined a true man. You set yourself apart with your patience and respect for women and others you come across. Your professions vary, but you are willing to work in order to provide for your family. You may be an attorney, a doctor, a salesman, teacher or truck driver. What matters most is that you understand your TRUE responsibility as a priest, provider, protector, comforter and/or father (if desired). Not only do you understand your responsibility, you VALUE this responsibility with open arms. Sisters dream about and yearn for your powerful presence and authoritative nature. You recognize your individual shortcomings and are willing to address them without shame. You are not afraid to express emotions when things have you down. REAL MEN DO CRY!
Please return on Thursday for the next relationship nugget to add to your collection. Please subscribe to my blog to receive notification when future Chat Kafe entries are posted. The subscribe section is at the very bottom of my blog page.
As with the previous descriptions, men may fall into one or more of these categories and transition in and out based on various seasons in their lives. To be honest, I have found myself as Mr. ‘Insecure’, Mr. ‘Good Guy’ and Mr. ‘Bag Man’ at various points in my life. However, my relationship with God has given me the courage to acknowledge and address my shortcomings. Without further delay, let’s look at the final four categories:
5. Mr. ‘Wolf in Sheep Clothing’ – I don’t want to give too much airtime to this group of individuals because it sickens me to think that this group exists in very large numbers. This individual presents himself as one of pure motives and exudes the confidence and interest that most women desire. However, upon further review, exploration and after a period of time, the truth about a wife or other lie finally comes to the surface. Why do you hide significant details about your relational status and life when you know that someone is going to get hurt in the end? Is it the thrill of adventure? Is it the desire to continuously upgrade? Remember that everything done in the dark eventually comes to light. If you struggle in this area, pray to God to establish order and commitment in your life. Families and relationships are being destroyed everyday and we need honesty and commitment to reappear as cornerstones in relationships.
6. Mr. ‘Fear of Commitment’ – Most men today find themselves in this category during the explorative phase in their lives. This individual gets enjoyment by being connected to women, but not being committed to them. I was one of the best at leading women down the ambiguous path of a relationship in search of something that would probably never appear. This individual finds fulfillment in building a ‘perfect’ woman through qualities of several different women in his life. It is an awesome fantasy to take bits and pieces of each person, and utilize the pieces to build what you view as a ‘perfect’ mate. The detriment to this approach is that you cater to a mentality that promotes perfection when individual perfection does not exist. In the process of creating mental perfection, you destroy the reality of what makes up our humanity. You typically find yourself in long drawn-out relationships that never make it past the boyfriend/girlfriend phase. You find yourself continuing to go out partying and being a social butterfly even though you have a ‘girlfriend’. You get really agitated and upset whenever the subject of relational permanency is initiated by your ‘girlfriend.’ In the end, Mr. ‘Fear of Commitment’ loves being associated with relationships, but you can never make-up your mind.
7. Mr. ‘Overconfident’ – If you specialize in telling others about yourself, then this is your category. Ever since you were born the world revolved around you. You got it going on, have the nice-paying corporate job or own your own successful business and have your pick of any woman (according to your own perception). Unfortunately, you never get a chance to acknowledge the value others can add to your life because you are only concerned about yourself and what others can do for you. There is nothing wrong with having a general level of overall confidence, but the problem occurs when you exceed the accepted level. You operate with sort of a barterer’s mentality, flashing material items and connections for the sole purpose of impressing and receiving from others. The unique thing about being Mr. ‘Overconfident’ is you probably don’t recognize it! Women are speaking negatively behind your back to others and you have no idea this opinion exists about you. If you have a hunch that this might be you, please consult a close female friend who will offer an unbiased response to your question. The good thing about being Mr. ‘Overconfident’ is that you only have to tone down your self-promotion a notch in order to cross back over to an attractive level of confidence.
8. Mr. ‘Good Catch’ – This is the man most women dream about, but have so much trouble recognizing because of the other men who co-exist. You are the one created by God and you are connected through a relationship with Him. You possess an unquenchable fire and passion to progress in life. Remaining stagnant in life is NOT an option. You continue the chivalrous gestures that once upon a time defined a true man. You set yourself apart with your patience and respect for women and others you come across. Your professions vary, but you are willing to work in order to provide for your family. You may be an attorney, a doctor, a salesman, teacher or truck driver. What matters most is that you understand your TRUE responsibility as a priest, provider, protector, comforter and/or father (if desired). Not only do you understand your responsibility, you VALUE this responsibility with open arms. Sisters dream about and yearn for your powerful presence and authoritative nature. You recognize your individual shortcomings and are willing to address them without shame. You are not afraid to express emotions when things have you down. REAL MEN DO CRY!
Please return on Thursday for the next relationship nugget to add to your collection. Please subscribe to my blog to receive notification when future Chat Kafe entries are posted. The subscribe section is at the very bottom of my blog page.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Which Man Are You? (part1)
Welcome to part 1 of ‘Which Man Are You?’ I have given the same amount of thought and consideration as I did when doing the categorical analysis for women. It is very important to understand the types of men that exist, so you can identify which category or categories you can most relate to. Many men often talk about the depth of issues our African-American women possess and how they impact our relationships. To be honest I am also one who contributed to this interactive male dialog without giving respect to the entire picture of duality in relationships. Generally speaking, the issues we possess may not seem as deep as those of women on the surface, but our issues appear in so many shapes, sizes and forms that I can now understand why women have a difficult time figuring us out. In football, the defense is often disguised and presented in inconspicuous manners in order to confuse the offense and more specifically the quarterback. Defenses change formations trying to hide whether they intend to blitz the quarterback or if they plan on playing zone coverage to protect territory. Well similarly, the way we present ourselves to women can serve as a disguise masking what our true intent or purpose is. Some of us approach women with an outward appearance of desiring a serious relationship. However, the outward appearance is a mask to the true desire of only wanting to have sex with them. In the end it leaves our sisters isolated, frustrated and confused. More importantly, someone has to deal with the result of our negligence.
Unfortunately, I was unable to condense the number of categories into manageable number that could be dealt with in one post. As a result, I have opted to do a two part series so the information can be digested easily. In thinking through the categories, I bounced thoughts off of both men and women to ensure that my perspective was not totally out of line with reality.
Without further adieu, let’s take a look at the first four categories that most men fall into. Please note that Mr. ‘Boy Toy’ (aka…the bootycall guy), Mr. ‘Socially Awkward’ (aka…the clumsy guy) and Mr. ‘Homosexual’ (aka…the one uninterested in women) have been excluded from this list because they are not viable candidates for relationships.
1. Mr. ‘Insecure’ – Contrary to popular belief, many of us possess characteristics that allow us to be associated with this category. Depending on who you are, it may be difficult to identify the extent to which you suffer from insecurity. Because of the negative perception of insecurity, we often try to only associate insecurity to individuals who are stalkers, those who pop-up unannounced, or those who have obsessive control issues. These are the extreme cases! However, insecurity in its more subtle form makes you ask questions like ‘Where are you going?’, ‘Who are you going with?’, ‘Why did you stay out so late?’, or ‘Why did you not call and check-in?’ Now these questions in their innocence are not bad questions, but when we ask them with an underlying insecure feeling in our hearts, then it demonstrates an insecurity issue. Let me be honest, we all fluctuate in and out of this category at various points in our lives. If you are unsure of your current status, then ponder the following questions: How would respond if your girlfriend or fiancée told you that she had lunch or dinner with a friend she used to date? How would you respond if you notice your girlfriend or fiancée having a friendly conversation with a co-worker that seems a little more in depth than just ‘normal’ conversation? What is your feeling when someone you are dating says she is going out with her friends? If these questions make you uneasy, then you probably suffer from a case of insecurity.
The signs of insecurity are individuals who display outward outbursts of abuse, excessive desire to control women and intimidation when women make more, have more or seem more successful than you. Also remember that the ‘little’ signs (hidden jealousy and inquisitive questioning) of insecurity are also detrimental to relationships. Placing full trust in the Lord, increasing self-confidence and opening-up the lines of communication are the best ways to overcome the vice of insecurity.
2. Mr. ‘Good Guy’ – I feel for those of you who fit into this group of individuals. Not because there is anything wrong with being a ‘good guy’, but because I used to be a part of this group and remember the frustrations. I clearly remember the day my high school sweetheart ‘broke-up’ with me because I never did anything wrong in her eyes as it related to our relationship. That one experience scarred me emotionally and it took considerable time for me to NOT intentionally provoke wrong-doing in my relationships :). It also contributed to my belief that all women like men that have some sort of ‘bad boy’ in their character (my view has since changed).
If you ask most women about men who fit into this category, you will find that most have nothing negative to say about them. If you continue looking underneath the surface, men who get the label of ‘good guy’ find it difficult to maintain serious long-term relationships. The real source of relationship issues for Mr. ‘Good Guy’ stem from the fact that women do not view them as strong leaders who they trust turning over the household to. They make decisions from the perspective of making people around them happy and not based on what is best for their relationships. They allow the requests of family, job and/or friends to override the needs of themselves and/or their relationships. They will typically do things that make other people happy, but inconvenience themselves in the process. Is this you?
If you fit into this category, then there is hope for you. Become more assertive in your decision-making and refrain from the desire of trying to make everyone around you ‘happy’. It will sometimes require you putting your foot down and making decisions that disappoint people. However, women love men who are able to make firm decisions and stand by them.
3. Mr. ‘Bag Man’ – I could cut and paste my entire entry from the ‘Are you the one?’ entry, but that would be too easy and trifling on my part. Mr. ‘Bag Man’ can be best defined as the individual who brings luggage into a relationship with no tag identifying what’s included in the bags. You are considered Mr. ‘Bag Man’ if you bring a child or children into a situation while having no intent on being a father or accountable to them. We all have made bad decisions in our lives and no one is exempt from the healing power of Jesus Christ. However, women deserve to know who you really are and have the right to make an informed decision whether to let you into their lives. They DO deserve to know if you have children and how many. They DO deserve to know if you are currently involved with someone else and to what extent. A major complaint from women is that men withhold key personal information about themselves with the intent of disclosing it at a later time. Here is a newsflash, if you have children, if you have a girlfriend or if you are in the middle of a divorce, then it’s relevant to disclose this information upfront. Life events are points of interest that should be disclosed early because they are concealed grenades capable of blowing-up relationships.
Many of us don’t acknowledge that we are also ‘Bag Men’ until we suffer a string of failed relationships. After further inspection, we see that our relationships are failing because we import past relationship hurts into our new relationships. When men encounter hurt, it is something that we carry along with us for an extended time because we have been conditioned to suppress our feelings and emotions. The direct result of this can be manifested in various forms inclusive of displaying a dawg’s mentality, or displaying poor communication skills. Show me a dawg (defined as man who takes advantage of and/or hurts women), and I’ll show you a link to a past hurtful relationship still hidden in his heart. Show me a man who hides his feelings and emotions, and I’ll show you someone who has opened-up in the past only to be emotionally hurt by a woman.
There is hope if you fall into this category. The first step is to ask God to step into your life and take control, the second step is to forgive yourself for feeling victimized, and the third step is to forgive those who have hurt you in the past. I have undergone this process and it’s extremely therapeutic. You will continue struggling with relationships unless you yield to yourself and turn control over to God. He forgave you despite your disobedience and transgressions toward Him. Because of the love He showed, you have an obligation to forgive others…no matter how much they hurt you.
4. Mr. ‘Superficial’ – Atlanta is probably in the top 3 cities that have a large population of Mr. ‘Superficials.’ I think many of us have gotten caught-up in the whole superficial phenomenon spurred on by television and society. Men have been conditioned to believe beauty is defined by the individuals spotlighted in the latest P. Diddy or R. Kelly video. As a result, men are now on the prowl for the next gorgeous woman he can put on his arm in order to receive external praise and affirmation from his peers. It took me a while, but I figured out that it takes more than beauty and sex to make a relationship worthwhile. I have had my share of beautiful women. I have had my share of ‘good sex’. I have had my share of women with corporate resumes people would kill for. However, at the end of the day, it takes much more than beauty and sex to make a successful relationship. Mr. and Mrs. ‘Superficial’ contribute highly to the divorce rate that our community is currently experiencing. I remember my mom emphatically telling me, “Don’t be blinded by the package things come in! Pretty packages sometimes contain nothing of substance on the inside.” If beauty and success are the chief cornerstones of successful relationships, then why do Hollywood celebrities, athletes and entertainers have trouble with marriages? You have to be open to women of all backgrounds because you never know what package God has created to provide a perfect relationship for your life.
Beauty and career achievements are great for resumes and social acknowledgements, but unconditional LOVE supersedes all. Don’t allow yourself to get caught-up on things of limited importance. Pay close attention to God and a person’s character. When unconditional love is added to the mix, you have the ingredients for a successful relationship.
Check back on Monday for part two of ‘Which Man Are You?’ Also, please subscribe to my blog to receive notification when future Chat Kafe entries are posted. The subscribe section is at the very bottom of my blog page.
Unfortunately, I was unable to condense the number of categories into manageable number that could be dealt with in one post. As a result, I have opted to do a two part series so the information can be digested easily. In thinking through the categories, I bounced thoughts off of both men and women to ensure that my perspective was not totally out of line with reality.
Without further adieu, let’s take a look at the first four categories that most men fall into. Please note that Mr. ‘Boy Toy’ (aka…the bootycall guy), Mr. ‘Socially Awkward’ (aka…the clumsy guy) and Mr. ‘Homosexual’ (aka…the one uninterested in women) have been excluded from this list because they are not viable candidates for relationships.
1. Mr. ‘Insecure’ – Contrary to popular belief, many of us possess characteristics that allow us to be associated with this category. Depending on who you are, it may be difficult to identify the extent to which you suffer from insecurity. Because of the negative perception of insecurity, we often try to only associate insecurity to individuals who are stalkers, those who pop-up unannounced, or those who have obsessive control issues. These are the extreme cases! However, insecurity in its more subtle form makes you ask questions like ‘Where are you going?’, ‘Who are you going with?’, ‘Why did you stay out so late?’, or ‘Why did you not call and check-in?’ Now these questions in their innocence are not bad questions, but when we ask them with an underlying insecure feeling in our hearts, then it demonstrates an insecurity issue. Let me be honest, we all fluctuate in and out of this category at various points in our lives. If you are unsure of your current status, then ponder the following questions: How would respond if your girlfriend or fiancée told you that she had lunch or dinner with a friend she used to date? How would you respond if you notice your girlfriend or fiancée having a friendly conversation with a co-worker that seems a little more in depth than just ‘normal’ conversation? What is your feeling when someone you are dating says she is going out with her friends? If these questions make you uneasy, then you probably suffer from a case of insecurity.
The signs of insecurity are individuals who display outward outbursts of abuse, excessive desire to control women and intimidation when women make more, have more or seem more successful than you. Also remember that the ‘little’ signs (hidden jealousy and inquisitive questioning) of insecurity are also detrimental to relationships. Placing full trust in the Lord, increasing self-confidence and opening-up the lines of communication are the best ways to overcome the vice of insecurity.
2. Mr. ‘Good Guy’ – I feel for those of you who fit into this group of individuals. Not because there is anything wrong with being a ‘good guy’, but because I used to be a part of this group and remember the frustrations. I clearly remember the day my high school sweetheart ‘broke-up’ with me because I never did anything wrong in her eyes as it related to our relationship. That one experience scarred me emotionally and it took considerable time for me to NOT intentionally provoke wrong-doing in my relationships :). It also contributed to my belief that all women like men that have some sort of ‘bad boy’ in their character (my view has since changed).
If you ask most women about men who fit into this category, you will find that most have nothing negative to say about them. If you continue looking underneath the surface, men who get the label of ‘good guy’ find it difficult to maintain serious long-term relationships. The real source of relationship issues for Mr. ‘Good Guy’ stem from the fact that women do not view them as strong leaders who they trust turning over the household to. They make decisions from the perspective of making people around them happy and not based on what is best for their relationships. They allow the requests of family, job and/or friends to override the needs of themselves and/or their relationships. They will typically do things that make other people happy, but inconvenience themselves in the process. Is this you?
If you fit into this category, then there is hope for you. Become more assertive in your decision-making and refrain from the desire of trying to make everyone around you ‘happy’. It will sometimes require you putting your foot down and making decisions that disappoint people. However, women love men who are able to make firm decisions and stand by them.
3. Mr. ‘Bag Man’ – I could cut and paste my entire entry from the ‘Are you the one?’ entry, but that would be too easy and trifling on my part. Mr. ‘Bag Man’ can be best defined as the individual who brings luggage into a relationship with no tag identifying what’s included in the bags. You are considered Mr. ‘Bag Man’ if you bring a child or children into a situation while having no intent on being a father or accountable to them. We all have made bad decisions in our lives and no one is exempt from the healing power of Jesus Christ. However, women deserve to know who you really are and have the right to make an informed decision whether to let you into their lives. They DO deserve to know if you have children and how many. They DO deserve to know if you are currently involved with someone else and to what extent. A major complaint from women is that men withhold key personal information about themselves with the intent of disclosing it at a later time. Here is a newsflash, if you have children, if you have a girlfriend or if you are in the middle of a divorce, then it’s relevant to disclose this information upfront. Life events are points of interest that should be disclosed early because they are concealed grenades capable of blowing-up relationships.
Many of us don’t acknowledge that we are also ‘Bag Men’ until we suffer a string of failed relationships. After further inspection, we see that our relationships are failing because we import past relationship hurts into our new relationships. When men encounter hurt, it is something that we carry along with us for an extended time because we have been conditioned to suppress our feelings and emotions. The direct result of this can be manifested in various forms inclusive of displaying a dawg’s mentality, or displaying poor communication skills. Show me a dawg (defined as man who takes advantage of and/or hurts women), and I’ll show you a link to a past hurtful relationship still hidden in his heart. Show me a man who hides his feelings and emotions, and I’ll show you someone who has opened-up in the past only to be emotionally hurt by a woman.
There is hope if you fall into this category. The first step is to ask God to step into your life and take control, the second step is to forgive yourself for feeling victimized, and the third step is to forgive those who have hurt you in the past. I have undergone this process and it’s extremely therapeutic. You will continue struggling with relationships unless you yield to yourself and turn control over to God. He forgave you despite your disobedience and transgressions toward Him. Because of the love He showed, you have an obligation to forgive others…no matter how much they hurt you.
4. Mr. ‘Superficial’ – Atlanta is probably in the top 3 cities that have a large population of Mr. ‘Superficials.’ I think many of us have gotten caught-up in the whole superficial phenomenon spurred on by television and society. Men have been conditioned to believe beauty is defined by the individuals spotlighted in the latest P. Diddy or R. Kelly video. As a result, men are now on the prowl for the next gorgeous woman he can put on his arm in order to receive external praise and affirmation from his peers. It took me a while, but I figured out that it takes more than beauty and sex to make a relationship worthwhile. I have had my share of beautiful women. I have had my share of ‘good sex’. I have had my share of women with corporate resumes people would kill for. However, at the end of the day, it takes much more than beauty and sex to make a successful relationship. Mr. and Mrs. ‘Superficial’ contribute highly to the divorce rate that our community is currently experiencing. I remember my mom emphatically telling me, “Don’t be blinded by the package things come in! Pretty packages sometimes contain nothing of substance on the inside.” If beauty and success are the chief cornerstones of successful relationships, then why do Hollywood celebrities, athletes and entertainers have trouble with marriages? You have to be open to women of all backgrounds because you never know what package God has created to provide a perfect relationship for your life.
Beauty and career achievements are great for resumes and social acknowledgements, but unconditional LOVE supersedes all. Don’t allow yourself to get caught-up on things of limited importance. Pay close attention to God and a person’s character. When unconditional love is added to the mix, you have the ingredients for a successful relationship.
Check back on Monday for part two of ‘Which Man Are You?’ Also, please subscribe to my blog to receive notification when future Chat Kafe entries are posted. The subscribe section is at the very bottom of my blog page.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Are You The One???
One of the most popular debates in the area of African-American singles is the perceived numerical imbalance between available men and women. Before I continue forward let me first put out this disclaimer. NOT EVERYONE WILL HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO EXPERIENCE MARRIAGE!!! You have to first resolve in your spirit that you are okay in your season of singleness and that you are content with the state God has placed you in. Once you accept whatever God’s Will is for your life, you are then eligible for the blessings that He wants to bestow upon you…which may include marriage :).
Now that I have gotten that out of the way let’s continue. In Atlanta, the women to men ratio ranges anywhere from 8:1 to 15:1, depending on the information source. On the surface the numbers look very lopsided and depressing, but I’d like to offer up another perspective…ARE YOU THE ONE??? It is very daunting for African-American sisters to agonize over the thought of having to compete with 7 to 14 other women for the shot at relationship with one man. Over the years I have entertained many discussions about this topic, but would like you to ponder the question ARE YOU THE ONE? As a male entrenched in the process of identifying and sorting through the many options that are available for black men, I have noticed that quantity of women is NO correlation to the quality of available women. In evaluating the lopsided ratio of women to men, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that most women are unqualified candidates for long-term relationships. I know…men have issues too (I will deal with that in another post), but our issues can most of the time be isolated to fear of commitment or lack of desire to excel in life. For the sake of conversation let’s say the ratio of women to men is ~10 to 1. Let’s look at the typical categories that most of those 10 women fall into:
1. Low self-esteem – Men can sense when a woman is a member of the low self-esteem club. Wholeheartedly, quality men are NOT drawn to women with self-esteem issues because they are often considered liabilities in the big picture called life and relationship. Insecure and abusive ARE drawn to women with self-esteem issues because they are in search of someone they can control. Quality men like to know that they are yoked-up with a woman who is able to stand firm on her own and not demand/require constant affirmation. Now don’t get me wrong…a good man will provide words of encouragement into his woman and does not mind speaking life into her aspirations and goals. However, men would also like to know that they are in a partnership and not feel like they have a father-daughter component in their relationship. Women with low self esteem can be spotted typically as someone not having a strong male figure in their lives growing up (this is not absolute), someone who has been taken advantage of by loved ones and/or someone whose family structure never allowed them to feel valued. Women with self-esteem challenges should first get rooted in God’s Word so they are able to understand who they are in the eyes of God before seeking connection with a man.
2. Bag Lady – Unfortunately, men are not always accepting of women who bring children into the equation of relationships. Several of my closest friends have decided that they do not want have to deal with the inherited ‘baby’s daddy’ in developing a long-term relationship with a woman. They want to be able to share the life event experience of having a child together for the first time and not feel as if its ‘old hat’ for the person they are with. On the flip side, there are many men (myself included) who do not have a problem developing a relationship with a woman who has children. The second bag lady group is comprised of women who seem as if they transition from one relationship to the next without disconnecting or purging themselves of ‘hazardous stuff’ (including trust issues, preconceived notions and old memories) detrimental to future relationships. As the ‘internal time clock’ begins to tick in the lives of some of our African American women, we sometimes notice a haphazard transition from one relationship to another in search of Mr. Right. The danger of doing so leads to many negative articles of ‘luggage’ being transferred from one relationship to the next with no possibility of success. Bag ladies need to embrace their season of singleness and allow God to purge the unhealthy thoughts, experiences and expectations from their lives.
3. Ms. Too Independent – You know Ms. Too Independent…she is college educated, volunteers in the community, earns a good living and is a faithful servant in the church. All of these things make up the beautiful resume shell that most men would kill for right??? Hold on…the aforementioned qualities ARE awesome and most men desire these in a mate. However, let’s insert the qualities that do not show up on the resume of that quality woman submitted for review by a potential mate: a) She is one with the inability to compromise on issues, b) she is one who lacks the helpmeet skills to make a man feel valued, c) she is the one who cannot cook or clean and demands to eat out all of the time and d) she is one who cannot properly channel the authoritative drive it takes to be successful in Corporate America. Just because you are an attorney, doctor, IT manager or marketing director does not mean you can carry the authoritative demands into the household. These are the negative qualities of black women that usually drive good black men away. Unfortunately, Ms. Too Independent makes up the bulk of seemingly qualified candidates who have it going on according to the expectations set forth by society. However, these women are considered false realities in the intimate circles of black men discussions. Ephesians 5:22 is a good verse to meditate on in preparation for a God-ordained relationship.
4. The One – This is the woman who carries the same characteristics that Ms. Too Independent possesses, but she is not overly flamboyant or loud about her personal resume or successes. She operates powerfully, but with a silent aura of confidence that gives no other choice but for a man to respect her. She is willing to go to bat for her man and shows desire to make a harmonious partner in the household. She exudes the Proverbs 31 woman and understands that progression towards becoming the woman God has called her to be is a continual process. She is able to get her man to open up, she offers a shoulder for him to cry on and does not act as if she ‘knows it all’. Men typically retract themselves into a shell if they feel their relationship partner lacks the listening skills that black men so desperately cry out for in relationships.
Parting Thought - Don’t concern yourself with ratios that will surely depress you. Fortunately, our God does not work in the form of ratios or according to earthly odds. Continue developing yourself, building and allowing God to shape you so that you are the one!!!
Now that I have gotten that out of the way let’s continue. In Atlanta, the women to men ratio ranges anywhere from 8:1 to 15:1, depending on the information source. On the surface the numbers look very lopsided and depressing, but I’d like to offer up another perspective…ARE YOU THE ONE??? It is very daunting for African-American sisters to agonize over the thought of having to compete with 7 to 14 other women for the shot at relationship with one man. Over the years I have entertained many discussions about this topic, but would like you to ponder the question ARE YOU THE ONE? As a male entrenched in the process of identifying and sorting through the many options that are available for black men, I have noticed that quantity of women is NO correlation to the quality of available women. In evaluating the lopsided ratio of women to men, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that most women are unqualified candidates for long-term relationships. I know…men have issues too (I will deal with that in another post), but our issues can most of the time be isolated to fear of commitment or lack of desire to excel in life. For the sake of conversation let’s say the ratio of women to men is ~10 to 1. Let’s look at the typical categories that most of those 10 women fall into:
1. Low self-esteem – Men can sense when a woman is a member of the low self-esteem club. Wholeheartedly, quality men are NOT drawn to women with self-esteem issues because they are often considered liabilities in the big picture called life and relationship. Insecure and abusive ARE drawn to women with self-esteem issues because they are in search of someone they can control. Quality men like to know that they are yoked-up with a woman who is able to stand firm on her own and not demand/require constant affirmation. Now don’t get me wrong…a good man will provide words of encouragement into his woman and does not mind speaking life into her aspirations and goals. However, men would also like to know that they are in a partnership and not feel like they have a father-daughter component in their relationship. Women with low self esteem can be spotted typically as someone not having a strong male figure in their lives growing up (this is not absolute), someone who has been taken advantage of by loved ones and/or someone whose family structure never allowed them to feel valued. Women with self-esteem challenges should first get rooted in God’s Word so they are able to understand who they are in the eyes of God before seeking connection with a man.
2. Bag Lady – Unfortunately, men are not always accepting of women who bring children into the equation of relationships. Several of my closest friends have decided that they do not want have to deal with the inherited ‘baby’s daddy’ in developing a long-term relationship with a woman. They want to be able to share the life event experience of having a child together for the first time and not feel as if its ‘old hat’ for the person they are with. On the flip side, there are many men (myself included) who do not have a problem developing a relationship with a woman who has children. The second bag lady group is comprised of women who seem as if they transition from one relationship to the next without disconnecting or purging themselves of ‘hazardous stuff’ (including trust issues, preconceived notions and old memories) detrimental to future relationships. As the ‘internal time clock’ begins to tick in the lives of some of our African American women, we sometimes notice a haphazard transition from one relationship to another in search of Mr. Right. The danger of doing so leads to many negative articles of ‘luggage’ being transferred from one relationship to the next with no possibility of success. Bag ladies need to embrace their season of singleness and allow God to purge the unhealthy thoughts, experiences and expectations from their lives.
3. Ms. Too Independent – You know Ms. Too Independent…she is college educated, volunteers in the community, earns a good living and is a faithful servant in the church. All of these things make up the beautiful resume shell that most men would kill for right??? Hold on…the aforementioned qualities ARE awesome and most men desire these in a mate. However, let’s insert the qualities that do not show up on the resume of that quality woman submitted for review by a potential mate: a) She is one with the inability to compromise on issues, b) she is one who lacks the helpmeet skills to make a man feel valued, c) she is the one who cannot cook or clean and demands to eat out all of the time and d) she is one who cannot properly channel the authoritative drive it takes to be successful in Corporate America. Just because you are an attorney, doctor, IT manager or marketing director does not mean you can carry the authoritative demands into the household. These are the negative qualities of black women that usually drive good black men away. Unfortunately, Ms. Too Independent makes up the bulk of seemingly qualified candidates who have it going on according to the expectations set forth by society. However, these women are considered false realities in the intimate circles of black men discussions. Ephesians 5:22 is a good verse to meditate on in preparation for a God-ordained relationship.
4. The One – This is the woman who carries the same characteristics that Ms. Too Independent possesses, but she is not overly flamboyant or loud about her personal resume or successes. She operates powerfully, but with a silent aura of confidence that gives no other choice but for a man to respect her. She is willing to go to bat for her man and shows desire to make a harmonious partner in the household. She exudes the Proverbs 31 woman and understands that progression towards becoming the woman God has called her to be is a continual process. She is able to get her man to open up, she offers a shoulder for him to cry on and does not act as if she ‘knows it all’. Men typically retract themselves into a shell if they feel their relationship partner lacks the listening skills that black men so desperately cry out for in relationships.
Parting Thought - Don’t concern yourself with ratios that will surely depress you. Fortunately, our God does not work in the form of ratios or according to earthly odds. Continue developing yourself, building and allowing God to shape you so that you are the one!!!
Relationship Tip of the Week - 1/7/2008
Know when it’s time to pull the plug! It’s 2008 and time for some of you to pull the plug on a relationship that has reached its limit. It’s time to make some definite relational plans if the person you are with has good long-term possibilities. No more waiting around for someone who isn’t willing to commit. It doesn’t take 3, 4 or 5 years to figure out what you want to do. No more settling for someone who doesn’t give you a healthy relationship experience. You deserve better and should expect better. Go ahead and pull the plug! God will not send Mr. or Mrs. Right if you are not bold enough to cut loose Mr. or Mrs. Bad for You!
Friday, January 4, 2008
Don't Get it Twisted!!!
The main question I’ve been asked by several women readers is this… ‘Are there any men willing to accept a woman's preference to remain celibate?’ This question is asked because there is already a perceived shortage of quality men that exist in this world we live in. However, it is valid because if you as a virtuous woman place another requirement on your potential mate will you ever find him? The answer is this…I’ve found that there are men in the church who desire to live a life of purity and who wish to adhere to the commandments of God. There are some men that will require your encouragement and guidance along the journey, but isn’t that a key component of what helpmeet does? You have to outline your desires upfront and establish boundaries that are clearly defined to any potential suitors in your life. Men are visual creatures and will typically encounter the greater turbulence in the pursuit of purity. The main thing is to be able to evaluate a man’s ‘true heart’ and not become sidetracked if he has a momentary ‘flesh moment.’ ALL men (including casual churchgoers, ushers, preachers, deacons and other church leaders) will test your boundaries at some point during the journey. Be Strong!
Ask yourself this question, “Have I gained any advantage by giving myself sexually to the men I was with in the past?” If you are currently unmarried and not a virgin, then the answer is NO! The men you have sexually connected to in the past have taken a piece of you that you can no longer retrieve and you only have experience to show for it. Sex typically delays the destiny of a relationship headed for failure. There is no correlation between giving yourself sexually and the success of relationships. None! Not only do you connect yourself to someone who is undeserving, but you also disappoint your heavenly Father who watches over you.
Don’t get it twisted…I have also come to find out that many women will test boundaries in this journey so it’s definitely a two-way responsibility by both involved parties. Throughout my journey I’ve had experiences where I’ve gotten caught-up in my flesh and had to be ‘checked’ by the woman I was with. I have also been ‘tested’ by women I have gone out with and had to reject sexual advances that were made towards me. At the end of the day, it takes two dedicated individuals to pursue relational purity. When one is weak the other one needs to be strong and vice versa.
Is anyone perfect? NO! So if you stumble during your pursuit, then get yourself up, brush yourself off, repent and get back on the road that you know God desires for you. IT IS A CONSTANT STRUGGLE AND IS NOT EASY!!! However, God always provides a way of escape for difficult and compromising situations. During potentially intimate moments your cell phone may ring, you may receive a text message from friend, the Holy Spirit may convict you, but you have to be willing to recognize the signs when they appear. There is a constant war between flesh and spirit and Paul describes it best in Romans 7:14-25. Check it out as a devotional reading! Peace and blessings.
Ask yourself this question, “Have I gained any advantage by giving myself sexually to the men I was with in the past?” If you are currently unmarried and not a virgin, then the answer is NO! The men you have sexually connected to in the past have taken a piece of you that you can no longer retrieve and you only have experience to show for it. Sex typically delays the destiny of a relationship headed for failure. There is no correlation between giving yourself sexually and the success of relationships. None! Not only do you connect yourself to someone who is undeserving, but you also disappoint your heavenly Father who watches over you.
Don’t get it twisted…I have also come to find out that many women will test boundaries in this journey so it’s definitely a two-way responsibility by both involved parties. Throughout my journey I’ve had experiences where I’ve gotten caught-up in my flesh and had to be ‘checked’ by the woman I was with. I have also been ‘tested’ by women I have gone out with and had to reject sexual advances that were made towards me. At the end of the day, it takes two dedicated individuals to pursue relational purity. When one is weak the other one needs to be strong and vice versa.
Is anyone perfect? NO! So if you stumble during your pursuit, then get yourself up, brush yourself off, repent and get back on the road that you know God desires for you. IT IS A CONSTANT STRUGGLE AND IS NOT EASY!!! However, God always provides a way of escape for difficult and compromising situations. During potentially intimate moments your cell phone may ring, you may receive a text message from friend, the Holy Spirit may convict you, but you have to be willing to recognize the signs when they appear. There is a constant war between flesh and spirit and Paul describes it best in Romans 7:14-25. Check it out as a devotional reading! Peace and blessings.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Living the Celibate Life
Many of you know that I made a vow of celibacy when I rededicated by life back to Jesus Christ in December of 2003. Since making that declaration I have taken a personal stance of promoting a life of purity and staying the course of living a life pleasing to God. I have done many interviews and written several articles regarding living the celibate life. This was an easy proclamation for me to make because I wasn’t open to pursuit of relationships from 2003-2007. I decided it was best for me to remain focused on ministry and getting my personal house in order, which made it easy to stay out of harm’s way. However, as we enter into 2008, I am now open to the idea of developing a relationship and have become exposed to similar challenges that many of you face regarding temptations and enhanced desires of the flesh. I have decided to journal my journey throughout the course of this year and can hopefully provide some additional insight on relationship development while trying to live for Christ. Stay tuned for more details!
Happy New Year 2008
Another 365 days have gone by and we have transitioned from the reality of 2007, into the anticipation and expectation of 2008. Many of us have a list of documented resolutions in place for our pursuit and will press forward towards the list of resolutions we want to attain. There is one resolution that many folks fail to add the list…’Don’t Quit!’ Far too many people will start the year off working diligently in the first and second quarters of the year, but will start to taper off from their resolutions and goals as the fatigue of life begins to set in. Here are some words of encouragement to live by as you continue through 2008:
Don’t quit…as the year progresses forward.
Don’t quit…as the fatigue of life begins to set in.
Don’t quit…when the trials of life begin to surface in your journey.
Don’t quit…when the adversary begins to lurk around in your life.
Don’t quit…when the people closest to you try to persuade you from your goals.
Don’t quit…when your life focus becomes a little blurry.
Don’t quit…because that’s what everyone else does.
Don’t quit…because everything worth having requires hard work.
Don’t quit…because greater is He who is in you, than he who is in the world.
Don’t quit…because the Lord wants you to be victorious in life.
Don’t quit…because the Lord will never leave you nor forsake you.
Don’t quit…as the year progresses forward.
Don’t quit…as the fatigue of life begins to set in.
Don’t quit…when the trials of life begin to surface in your journey.
Don’t quit…when the adversary begins to lurk around in your life.
Don’t quit…when the people closest to you try to persuade you from your goals.
Don’t quit…when your life focus becomes a little blurry.
Don’t quit…because that’s what everyone else does.
Don’t quit…because everything worth having requires hard work.
Don’t quit…because greater is He who is in you, than he who is in the world.
Don’t quit…because the Lord wants you to be victorious in life.
Don’t quit…because the Lord will never leave you nor forsake you.
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