Below is an interesting article written by Jimmy Evans, author and writer of Marriage Today.
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I like this statement: God didn’t make marriage to make us happy. He made it to make us grow up. So many people have a concept of marriage that is flawed. Because of this, they have unrealistic expectations that set them up for disappointment.
Don’t get me wrong. I believe God created marriage for lifelong pleasure and happiness. Beyond any other human relationship, marriage has the potential to make us happier, longer than anything else. But there is a price to happiness and that price is character.
Marriage tests our character in every way. It tests our patience, our work ethic, our willingness to forgive, our sensitivity to others, our tolerance for those different from us, our ability to cooperate, etc. Marriage is the biggest character test in life.
I also like this statement: With God, you never flunk a test. You just keep taking it until you get it right. This is true. God wants us to be like Him. He is trying to produce His character in us and is relentless in His efforts. Relationships are His primary means of testing how much like (or unlike) Him we are.
For me, marriage was like a trip to the proverbial woodshed for the first several years. I was selfish, insensitive, angry and chauvinistic. After the first few years of marriage I was convinced that I had made a mistake in marrying Karen and she was the cause of my misery.
Today, I look back at those times as crucial in the formation of my character. I have to admit that I almost didn’t make it. There were many times when I came to a fork in the road where I had to make a decision to change to become more like the Lord (patient, selfless, forgiving) or remain immature.
Every time I made a positive character change our marriage took a significant step forward. Karen also made positive character choices that benefited our relationship. Today we have a great marriage. We aren’t perfect, but we are more like the Lord than ever before and we are committed to a lifelong journey to be more like Jesus.
How is your relationship? More importantly, how is your character? Remember, it is the foundation of your marriage and every other relationship in life. Also remember, when you are experiencing marriage problems it is often the Lord dealing with a character issue.
Let me rephrase my original statement: Before marriage will make you happy it will make you grow up. It’s time to pass the test and take a step to a happier marriage.
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Please visit Jimmy and Karen Evans at www.marriagetoday.com.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
Dating Dilemma – Part 1
Many people who are close to me understand that I have unique perspective when it comes to the practice of dating. After conducting an in depth analysis of the Bible, I concluded that contemporary dating is unbiblical. Any attempts we use to connect the Bible to dating are based on assumption and not scripturally supported. Does this mean we shouldn’t date? Nope…I won’t go to that extreme, but I will offer-up that our mindsets need to change as it relates to the practice of dating. We as individuals must make better educated dating decisions and not become lured into the guidelines of contemporary dating set forth by Real World, Sex in the City, Flavor of Love or Shot at Love with Tila Tequila.
We have been trained by our society that dating multiple people at the same time is acceptable and the norm. However, when you think about dating and the end result that we should be working towards, we ought to take the process of selecting a potential mate more seriously. It’s difficult enough as it is to clearly engage and assess your compatibility with one individual, but it’s exponentially more difficult when you start including additional individuals to assess at the same time. In order to date multiple people at the same time, one must truly be grounded in who you are AND have the ability to separate your dating partners without blurring the dating experiences. Let the truth be told…many of us have barely fully embraced who we are as individuals, which makes dating multiple partners a recipe for disaster. How can you assess your compatibility with someone else when you are not fully stabilized in your own personal being? I’ve provided a recommendation to many of my close male and female friends and I’d like to do the same for you. Please accept the following challenge in an attempt to better position your dating experience:
1.) Make a decision to only date one person at a time. This will afford you the opportunity to learn about the person more in depth, and provides them with your undivided attention. You will be able to quickly make a decision on how much time to give them and allows you to break off unhealthy candidates a lot sooner.
2.) Be willing to step out of your comfort zone. This will give you the opportunity to experience people other than your traditional ‘type’. Let’s face it…your type will probably get you the same results that you have already experienced in life. Give someone different an opportunity to display themselves to you.
3.) Dating isn’t a license for free sex. Refrain from allowing your intimate side to get involved in dating. Sex and intimacy clouds your judgment and causes many people to remain in dating relationships longer than they should. Sex sidetracks and distracts your ability to think clearly when evaluating a lifemate.
4.) Learn how to date yourself first. If you don’t know how to date yourself, then you’ll struggle in your dating relationships. Be confident in who you are and learn the things that make you happy and a quality candidate for a relationship. Don’t allow dating to define who you are because you’ll find yourself in an endless loop of disappointment.
The priorities of successful relationships are as follows:
- Your relationship with God
- Your relationship with yourself
- Your relationship with others
If you embrace the order of the above listed relationships, then you'll be positioned for happier, healthier relationships.
We have been trained by our society that dating multiple people at the same time is acceptable and the norm. However, when you think about dating and the end result that we should be working towards, we ought to take the process of selecting a potential mate more seriously. It’s difficult enough as it is to clearly engage and assess your compatibility with one individual, but it’s exponentially more difficult when you start including additional individuals to assess at the same time. In order to date multiple people at the same time, one must truly be grounded in who you are AND have the ability to separate your dating partners without blurring the dating experiences. Let the truth be told…many of us have barely fully embraced who we are as individuals, which makes dating multiple partners a recipe for disaster. How can you assess your compatibility with someone else when you are not fully stabilized in your own personal being? I’ve provided a recommendation to many of my close male and female friends and I’d like to do the same for you. Please accept the following challenge in an attempt to better position your dating experience:
1.) Make a decision to only date one person at a time. This will afford you the opportunity to learn about the person more in depth, and provides them with your undivided attention. You will be able to quickly make a decision on how much time to give them and allows you to break off unhealthy candidates a lot sooner.
2.) Be willing to step out of your comfort zone. This will give you the opportunity to experience people other than your traditional ‘type’. Let’s face it…your type will probably get you the same results that you have already experienced in life. Give someone different an opportunity to display themselves to you.
3.) Dating isn’t a license for free sex. Refrain from allowing your intimate side to get involved in dating. Sex and intimacy clouds your judgment and causes many people to remain in dating relationships longer than they should. Sex sidetracks and distracts your ability to think clearly when evaluating a lifemate.
4.) Learn how to date yourself first. If you don’t know how to date yourself, then you’ll struggle in your dating relationships. Be confident in who you are and learn the things that make you happy and a quality candidate for a relationship. Don’t allow dating to define who you are because you’ll find yourself in an endless loop of disappointment.
The priorities of successful relationships are as follows:
- Your relationship with God
- Your relationship with yourself
- Your relationship with others
If you embrace the order of the above listed relationships, then you'll be positioned for happier, healthier relationships.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Secrets Happy People Know - And You Can Too!
by Kevin Sinclair
Are the daily pressures and stressors that you face each day present obstacles that cause you feelings of anxiety and hopelessness?
Do you ever look at other people who seem to have the juggling act down pat? Did you ever wonder how these people are able to handle the curve balls that Life hurls their way with the ease, grace and optimism that they display? Maybe you have a friend or family member who has the remarkable ability to see the best sides of life and this frustrates you because you are unable to understand just from where their eternal sunshine originates.
Don't worry, you are in good company. There are many people who feel the crunch from pressures at work, family routines that are hectic and an energy level that seems to have plummeted so much that your enjoyment in life has plummeted right along with it. If you have forgotten how to take the positive approach and view to life, or if Life has placed obstacles in your way such as loss of a job, illness or death of a family member and it has drained the life from you, then try these tips to return joy to our life.
Stay Connected:
When you are rushing about, paddling as fast as you can to keep your head above water and stay on top of all of your tasks, you may forget to stay connected to the people who are important to you. You may have let your family and friends slip to the back burner.
Studies show that happy people have good relationships. If you are feeling down, it may help to call a friend and go for coffee. Maybe make some special time to spend with your spouse or children. Human interaction can boost your energy and help you get your priorities in order so that you can feel joy.
Contemplate The Good Things In Your Life:
This may sound redundant, but stop to think about the things that are good in your life. When you focus on the positive things in your life it can really increase your happiness and satisfaction.
Is something going on at work that is getting you down? Have you been dealing with your kids the way that you should or are you cranky and short with them? You can turn these feelings around when you consciously take inventory of the things that you have done right. When you identify areas where you can make improvements and acknowledge that the changes are good for you, you will begin to feel better. If you spend your life beating yourself up over mistakes you've made and injustices done to you, it will only serve to break your spirit.
Get A Hobby:
Sometimes a little diversion is just what the doctor ordered to pull you out of your funk. Get a hobby and it just might bring happiness back to your life. When you challenge yourself and enrich your life with interests that extend beyond the scope of your daily routine, it can bring a zest to your life that you may have been missing.
Do Something For Someone Else:
It is easy to get wrapped up in your own problems and wallow in your disappointments, but if you take a moment to look beyond your own problems and see where you can help someone else, it can bring you great satisfaction and joy.
You really don't have to do much to start feeling better. Holding the door for someone, bringing a co-worker a cup of coffee, helping someone load their groceries into their car or picking up groceries for an elderly neighbor can do wonders for your psyche. It can make you feel better and remind you that we are responsible for our own happiness and that it comes from our own attitudes and actions.
There are instances where your lack of enjoyment of life may be related so a physiological or psychological condition such as heart disease, depression, hypertension or anxiety and no amount of good deeds are going to help. If this is the case, you should consult your physician and get some help so that you can take the steps necessary to get your life back on track, a smile on your face and a spring in your step.
Kevin Sinclair is the publisher and editor of My-Personal-Growth.com, a site that provides information and articles for self improvement and personal growth and development.
Are the daily pressures and stressors that you face each day present obstacles that cause you feelings of anxiety and hopelessness?
Do you ever look at other people who seem to have the juggling act down pat? Did you ever wonder how these people are able to handle the curve balls that Life hurls their way with the ease, grace and optimism that they display? Maybe you have a friend or family member who has the remarkable ability to see the best sides of life and this frustrates you because you are unable to understand just from where their eternal sunshine originates.
Don't worry, you are in good company. There are many people who feel the crunch from pressures at work, family routines that are hectic and an energy level that seems to have plummeted so much that your enjoyment in life has plummeted right along with it. If you have forgotten how to take the positive approach and view to life, or if Life has placed obstacles in your way such as loss of a job, illness or death of a family member and it has drained the life from you, then try these tips to return joy to our life.
Stay Connected:
When you are rushing about, paddling as fast as you can to keep your head above water and stay on top of all of your tasks, you may forget to stay connected to the people who are important to you. You may have let your family and friends slip to the back burner.
Studies show that happy people have good relationships. If you are feeling down, it may help to call a friend and go for coffee. Maybe make some special time to spend with your spouse or children. Human interaction can boost your energy and help you get your priorities in order so that you can feel joy.
Contemplate The Good Things In Your Life:
This may sound redundant, but stop to think about the things that are good in your life. When you focus on the positive things in your life it can really increase your happiness and satisfaction.
Is something going on at work that is getting you down? Have you been dealing with your kids the way that you should or are you cranky and short with them? You can turn these feelings around when you consciously take inventory of the things that you have done right. When you identify areas where you can make improvements and acknowledge that the changes are good for you, you will begin to feel better. If you spend your life beating yourself up over mistakes you've made and injustices done to you, it will only serve to break your spirit.
Get A Hobby:
Sometimes a little diversion is just what the doctor ordered to pull you out of your funk. Get a hobby and it just might bring happiness back to your life. When you challenge yourself and enrich your life with interests that extend beyond the scope of your daily routine, it can bring a zest to your life that you may have been missing.
Do Something For Someone Else:
It is easy to get wrapped up in your own problems and wallow in your disappointments, but if you take a moment to look beyond your own problems and see where you can help someone else, it can bring you great satisfaction and joy.
You really don't have to do much to start feeling better. Holding the door for someone, bringing a co-worker a cup of coffee, helping someone load their groceries into their car or picking up groceries for an elderly neighbor can do wonders for your psyche. It can make you feel better and remind you that we are responsible for our own happiness and that it comes from our own attitudes and actions.
There are instances where your lack of enjoyment of life may be related so a physiological or psychological condition such as heart disease, depression, hypertension or anxiety and no amount of good deeds are going to help. If this is the case, you should consult your physician and get some help so that you can take the steps necessary to get your life back on track, a smile on your face and a spring in your step.
Kevin Sinclair is the publisher and editor of My-Personal-Growth.com, a site that provides information and articles for self improvement and personal growth and development.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Focus on the Big Picture
Please excuse any typos as I am submitting this via my blackberry.
Last week I got involved in a heated with an non-believer about the success rate of marriage relationships. He mentioned to me that he has now started focusing on his personal happiness rather than trying to satisfy the woman or women he is with. His main argument was that a man will never be able to meet the ongoing emotional demands of women and trying to do so hampers the success rate of relationships. I fought tooth and nail against this stance until he made another statement to support his position. First, he argued that there is no benefit or track record of success of those within the body of Christ versus those outside the body of Christ. Second, he argued that most men typically DO NOT choose the marriage path until they are cornered by a woman. He said the source of a woman's desire for marriage is an emotional response to societal perceptions and standards. The result he continued, is 90% of marriages are initiated because of pressure by women and their emotions. Another result is 70% of divorces are initiated by women because the emotional responses are unable to support long-term happiness.
My final response to him was that the church IS NOT doing a god job of preparing people for long-term relationships. I also agree that both men and women need to be honest in shifting the focus from the wedding day, to the big picture of long-term marital relationship. However, I still believe in the source of hope above all hope! The priorities of assessing a potential mate are:
1. Christ - If person doesn't believe what you believe, to the level you believe, then leave them alone!
2. Character - A person without good character automatically eliminates themselves from consideration. A compromise to this compnent will result in a lifelong experience of misery.
3. Clarity - Clarity is the ability to see the big picture and recognize that all relationships have peaks and valleys. During the valley experience within the relationship, be sure to focus on the future and recognize that Christ is the center of your relationship. Clarity removes the focus from the negative and shifts it to the positive.
At the end of the day, don't opt for marriage because of a biological clock, peer or societal pressure, but only when you connect with someone who helps to enhance God's purpose for your life!
Last week I got involved in a heated with an non-believer about the success rate of marriage relationships. He mentioned to me that he has now started focusing on his personal happiness rather than trying to satisfy the woman or women he is with. His main argument was that a man will never be able to meet the ongoing emotional demands of women and trying to do so hampers the success rate of relationships. I fought tooth and nail against this stance until he made another statement to support his position. First, he argued that there is no benefit or track record of success of those within the body of Christ versus those outside the body of Christ. Second, he argued that most men typically DO NOT choose the marriage path until they are cornered by a woman. He said the source of a woman's desire for marriage is an emotional response to societal perceptions and standards. The result he continued, is 90% of marriages are initiated because of pressure by women and their emotions. Another result is 70% of divorces are initiated by women because the emotional responses are unable to support long-term happiness.
My final response to him was that the church IS NOT doing a god job of preparing people for long-term relationships. I also agree that both men and women need to be honest in shifting the focus from the wedding day, to the big picture of long-term marital relationship. However, I still believe in the source of hope above all hope! The priorities of assessing a potential mate are:
1. Christ - If person doesn't believe what you believe, to the level you believe, then leave them alone!
2. Character - A person without good character automatically eliminates themselves from consideration. A compromise to this compnent will result in a lifelong experience of misery.
3. Clarity - Clarity is the ability to see the big picture and recognize that all relationships have peaks and valleys. During the valley experience within the relationship, be sure to focus on the future and recognize that Christ is the center of your relationship. Clarity removes the focus from the negative and shifts it to the positive.
At the end of the day, don't opt for marriage because of a biological clock, peer or societal pressure, but only when you connect with someone who helps to enhance God's purpose for your life!
Monday, July 7, 2008
Relationship Coaching
- Are you tired of experiencing disappointment in your relationships?
- Why continue to invest time in relationships that will never manifest into the healthy long-term relationship you desire?
- Tired of making the same mistakes over and over again?
Consider hiring KP to serve as the relationship coach in your life. All successful people have coaches who help them navigate through various obstacles of life, and the area of relationships is no different. For less than a tank of gas you can be on your way to establishing the framework necessary to build healthy long-term relationships. Contact KP at chatkafe@kennypugh.com for more information.
Friday, July 4, 2008
I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T
I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T do you know what that means?
I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T do you know what that means?
July 4th is the day that we celebrate the independence of our beloved country the United States of America. This is a day filled with fireworks, light shows and cookouts in various areas across our US cities and towns. Well, on this day I challenge you to also celebrate your personal season of independence too! Many feel doomed because they don’t know why being unmarried is a positive season, when everyone and everything around us promotes singleness as a hassle and plague. Here are five reasons to celebrate your personal independence on this day:
1. Freedom – Do you have a desire to take a random trip with friends to an out of state destination? Do you ever want to take the day off and go to a movie by yourself? During your season of singleness, you have the freedom to do whatever you desire without having to check-in with anyone.
2. Opportunity to discover who you are – Once you are deeply involved in a relationship or marriage, it’s very difficult to personally discover who you are. However, during your season of singleness, you are able to explore your personal areas of interest in an attempt to find out what God really desires for you to do. The downfall of some marriages is due to one party still trying to figure out what their individual purpose in life is, while engaged in a covenant relationship with a mate.
3. Opportunity to grow personally and serve – Your season of singleness gives you the opportunity to take training classes for professional growth, participate in church missions trips and further your education before taking on the added responsibility of family. Why not be and become all you can during this season of your life in preparation for the long-term calling God has for your life?
4. More control over your time – During your season of singleness you don’t have to give an account of your time to anyone. Period! You have full authorization to allocate your personal time as you see fit :).
5. Sole decision-maker – What happens if you receive a job opportunity that requires you to relocate? What happens if you desire to go back to school in order to obtain a law degree or masters degree? What about those expensive shoes or that expensive suit in the mall? In your season of singleness you are the sole decision-maker and can make decisions without consulting anyone else.
After all is said and done, you have one life to live so LIVE IT UP! Keep God first, make good decisions and explore life.
KP
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Compatibility Questions - Part 3
In continuing with my look at compatibility questions to consider when evaluating a mate, please consider these:
1. How does your new love handle a crisis? – There is nothing worse than finding out that your lifemate becomes abusive, dependent on drugs or alcohol, or experiences extreme depression when crisis occurs. You may not have an opportunity to personally experience crisis with your mate during the dating/courting/engagement phases of your relationship. However, be sure to engage in intimate dialog that may be able to shed light on how they have dealt with crises in the past.
2. Behave in public places? – Does you potential lifemate become extremely obnoxious towards you or others in public? Does he/she treat common workers (waiters, waitresses, doormen, custodians, etc.) rudely? When a person demonstrates a lack of respect towards people, it could be a warning that this lack of respect may one day include you.
3. Treat your friends and family? – Have you ever seen a situation where a spouse did not get along with a parent or friend of their husband/wife? It makes for a very uncomfortable situation and could be a source of friction throughout the duration of the relationship. Be careful and try to resolve conflicts quickly so they don’t linger.
Remember...do not seek ways to kill a potential relationship, but look for ways to confirm you have the right person.
1. Don't look for characteristics in a person that you are not willing to exhibit yourself.
2. There is only one Jesus...so please manage your expectations for your mate. No one is perfect, but make sure they are intentional and willing to follow the perfect Christ.
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