Relationship Tip of the Week - July 7, 2010

Are your expectations too high? Disappointment occurs when your reality doesn’t meet your expectations. Have you set your bar of expectation so high that no one will ever be able to reach it? It is okay to have desires, but make sure that you are personally willing and able to live up to the criteria you have put in place. It is unacceptable to request that your mate be God-fearing, financially savvy and compassionate, if you ARE NOT striving towards those same goals.

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Relationship Intangibles

It’s hard to believe, but even after you have acquired a Bachelors, Masters or PhD, there is still no guarantee that your relationships will be successful. Many of us have been misled into thinking that a college degree, money in the bank, corporate career and prestigious awards are the foundation of successful relationships. Living here in Atlanta has allowed me to witness the rise and fall of many relationships based on ‘tangible things’. With the success many women are now experiencing academically and in their careers, there is a sense of expectancy that many of them carry into personal relationships. Newsflash…the intangibles (aka little things) are what make for successful long-term relationships. Intangibles can include, but are not limited to the following: 1) caring, 2) gentleness, 3) selflessness, 4) peace, 5) patience, 6) steadfastness, etc. How many of you evaluate your potential lifemates based on the above intangible characteristics?

Men with money and women with beauty are easy to find because they come in abundance. Will they be there for you when you are down and out? Will they remain with you after being laid-off from a job? Will they console you when you experience sadness in your life? Will they remain patient with you as you go through your personal growing pains? These are the questions you need to be able to answer when evaluating a potential mate.

My buddy put it best a long time ago when he recommended that I only accept applications from ‘B-students’ when searching for my wife. You may be asking yourself what is a B-Student? Glad you asked. A B-student is the one who never received an abundance of attention while in school, but always did quality work on every assignment. They are the ones who didn’t receive the top academic awards, but will always be successful in everything they do. What does this mean to you?

For men, A-students are the beautiful women who receive an abundance of attention everywhere they go. Many of them are only sustained by their beauty and have no self-esteem outside of their beauty. Why do men say the pretty girls bring the most drama along with them? Men say this because ‘pretty girls’ are sustained by external accolades and not internal sustained sufficiency.

For women, A-students are the overachieving men who are sustained by accomplishments and public acknowledgment. They lack the sensitive character makeup needed to be successful fathers and good husbands. A-students are able to provide for you financially and can buy you some pretty awesome gifts, but in the end…many will disappoint you.

The real question that you need to ask yourself is this…

Would I be happy growing old with this person with no money, possessions or public acknowledgments?


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Let’s Wait A While – Are You Worth The Wait?

In 1986, Janet Jackson came out with a popular hit titled “Let’s Wait A While” that took the country by storm. The words of the hit song used to epitomize the approach that ‘quality’ women took when dealing with men in dating and relationships. Unfortunately, things have shifted from “Let’s Wait A While” to a “have-to-have it” mentality.

The modern day approach is pretty predictable and standard. Man meets woman. They exchange information. They go out. Man taps into the mind of the woman. Proper mind tapping results in an open heart and open body experience. It’s usually that easy. Tupac stated it best in his song "I Get Around" when he said, "I don't want it if that's easy!" This can be better translated as "I won't want YOU if it's that easy!"

Now there is nothing wrong with the above formula as long as it’s with the person you are destined to spend your life with. However, the above equation has gone from a Hollywood fairytale experience, to a merry-go-round experience with the flavor of the week. Would you share your retirement account with someone who isn’t vested? Well, why treat your personal treasure with someone who isn’t licensed? Hmmm…

Have women taken on a more male-minded mentality when it comes to sex?
Do women have a ‘probation’ period before they release themselves physically to someone they’re dating?
Why NOT make men wait for the prize if you believe it’s worth it?

Why don’t men take a “Let’s Wait A While” approach when dealing with women?
Do men not respect women who make a commitment to saving their treasure for marriage?

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What Is Your True Relationship Value?

Everyday there are various magazine articles, blogs, radio and television programs dedicated to addressing the ‘epidemic’ of singleness in our society. We are entertained by a number of so-called ‘quality’ men and women who discuss their plights as to why each of them, as a quality candidate, still has the unlucky ‘I’m still single’ card. There are NEVER enough quality men to choose for women. There are ALWAYS too many ‘high potential’ women to sort through and make a commitment to for men.

As single listeners/viewers, we often place ourselves into their shoes wondering “Why am I still single?” We then begin thinking about the various things we perceive as qualities that should make ourselves attractive to the opposite sex. Unfortunately, too many of us have a higher self-appraisal of ourselves than what others are willing to view as true relationship value. Sort of like the homeowner who thinks their home is worth $400,000, when the true market value based on recent sales is really $300,000.

The question I pose to you today is “What is your true relationship value?”

How would you be rated in the following areas on a scale of 1-5? Rank the areas in order of importance for the person you would seriously consider as the husband/wife in your life. Meaning…what’s important for your mate to bring to the table?

1. Physical – What is your current physical status? Do you eat healthy? Physical attraction isn’t necessarily based on looks, but your ability to present yourself in a manner that accents you as an individual (i.e., via your attire, grooming, nails, etc.).
2. Professional – Are you where you desire to be professionally? If not, are you taking steps to achieve your goals? Or are you simply treading water working a JOB? Your professional life is something that should pursue and stabilize during your single season.
3. Financial – How are your financial management skills? Do you know how to balance a checkbook? How is your credit? Sound financial management isn’t based on how much you make, but your ability to properly manage what you do make. Finances are a major component to the health of marriages, so you need to be able to positively contribute in this area.
4. Social – Do you know how to have fun? Do people enjoy being around you? Or are you always negative? Can you enjoy the subtleties of life? Your social life helps bring enjoyment to healthy relationships.
5. Spiritual – Do you have a spiritual life? How important is it to you? Are you willing to compromise your beliefs for Mr./Mrs. Right? Your spiritual life is either seen as a major foundation or simply a nice to have in relationships.

Check your score:

25 – Try again…no one is perfect

21-24 – You are a great catch

16-20 – You are a good catch

11-15 – Needs improvement

6-10 – Destined for singleness

1-5 – Is a response really needed?

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Solo Mission

Last night I endured yet another evening of battling insomnia! These bouts are becoming more and more frequent, but I believe I’m still going through a process of preparation for something greater. To make matters worse, it seems as if God is pruning people out of my life so that I can truly embrace and appreciate His presence. It’s challenging enough going through a life season without any clear direction, but add in the factor of having no one to endure the journey along with you. Call it a solo mission!

No matter how much we try to avoid it, some things in life are meant to be experienced in isolation, in order to prepare you for the life journey ahead. Have you ever been in a situation where it seems as if every component of your life is being challenged? Challenged professionally? Challenged relationally? Challenged financially? Challenged spiritually? Well solo missions position you to trust God’s voice when you cannot trust your own vision. Faith is really irrelevant if you’re able to control your own life and the circumstances surrounding it. Take it from me, your life is comprised of solo missions that help shape the person you are and the person you’ll become.

How will you respond to your solo missions?

Will you fuss and complain?
Will you embrace the process?
Will you try to flee and escape?


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Separation for Our Preparation

“Nor did I go up to Jerusalem to see those who were apostles before I was, but I went immediately into Arabia and later returned to Damascus.” - Galatians 1:17

The apostle Paul tells us in the first chapter of Galatians some of the facts surrounding his own conversion. He tells us that he clearly understood the call Jesus placed on his life. He did not have to consult other men about this calling. But before he was released to begin his own mission, He went to Arabia for three years. Why did Paul have to go to Arabia for three years before he ever met another disciple of Jesus Christ?

The Scripture does not tell us plainly why Paul spent three years in Arabia. However, based upon many examples of God placing special calls on people's lives, we know it often requires a time of separation between the old life and the new life. No doubt, Paul had plenty of time to consider what had taken place in his life and time to develop an intimate knowledge and relationship with the newfound Savior. His life was about to change dramatically.

So often, when God places a call on one of His children, it requires a separation between the old life and the new life. There is a time of being away from the old in order to prepare the heart for what is ultimately coming. It can be a painful and difficult separation. Joseph was separated from his family. Jacob was sent to live with his uncle Laban. Moses was sent to the desert.

When God began a deeper work in my own life, it required a separation from all I had known before. He removed all that I had placed confidence in up to that point…money, my career, my party lifestyle and the most painful…the many members of my concubine (that one hurt). I was actually at a point in my life where things were actually lining-up socially, professionally, but something was still eating at me spiritually. God had a different idea. He removed all my creature comforts and security in order to accomplish a much greater work than what I could see at the time. The picture is clear now. I understand why it was necessary, but I didn't at the time. It is not until we learn how to serve Him that we ultimately position ourselves to receive what our Creator ultimately has for us. Think of yourselves as waiters in a restaurant where, as you are waiting, you continue to serve those who are patrons in your establishment (aka your life).

Perhaps God has placed you in your own period of separation. Perhaps you cannot make sense of the situation in which you find yourself. If you press into God during this time, He will reveal the many purposes He has for you. The key is pressing into Him. Merge into a deeper relationship with Him. Seek Him with a whole heart and He will be found. God may have a special calling and message He is building in your life right now. Trust in His love for you that He will fully complete the work He has started in you.

Corporately as the body of Christ and also personally, we are approaching the midway point of 2010. Continue to use this year as a point of reference in your life. I believe that we get separated in preparation for something greater to come. We deal with death, financial setbacks, job loss and personal health issues. However, despite the trials and tribulation in our lives we have to remember that the One who leads us to the life challenges is powerful enough to get us through them. Amen!

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Do Professional Women Face Dating Hurdles?

Dating for professional black women is one of the most interesting debates that we entertain in today’s social circles. In my opinion, I believe we have made the issue a lot larger than what it truly is because of the many books, movies and workplace discussions that deal with the subject. When truly evaluating the core issues at hand, the hurdles that professional black women have fishing in a relatively small dating pond are as follows:

1) Media Influence – The media has truly influenced the perspectives and self-views of many professional black women. When a message is conveyed over and over again, it often positions the recipients to begin embellishing the statements as truth. You hear messages regarding the issues professional black women face in dating via radio shows, blogs and magazines. This prompts the discussions between friends, co-workers and thus results in the perpetual mindsets that now exist. The reality is no matter if the statistics state that 42.7% of African-American women are unmarried, women have to realize that it only takes meeting ONE man to place them in the 57.3% category. However, if a negative mindset is embraced, then experiences usually follow.

2) Misconception of Men’s Views – There is a misconception that men are intimidated by the educational, professional and social statuses of successful black women. This is true when women are only exposed to groups of underconfident and immature men who lack motivation. If this seems to be the norm, then I recommend doing something different in order to get exposure to new circles of men. There are groups of men who desire to be men of integrity. There are men who desire to be married. There are men who embrace the professional and educational pursuits of black women. There are men who desire to love women unconditionally. The common misunderstanding of black men is “black men are intimidated by successful black women.” The success isn’t what disconnects men and women it’s the perceived attitude that is associated with the professional success and education. If two people make each other feel valued, then the relationship will work despite an educational or professional gap. Genuine love bridges the widest of gaps and eases the deepest of insecurities.

3) Misunderstanding of “Value” – Somewhere along the line of time our society lost the things that should be viewed and embraced as “valuable” in relationships. Say what you want, our grandparents were able to build long-lasting relationships not based on money, but on love and sacrifice. By having one another’s back through thick in thin. By understanding that sacrifice will get you further than a master’s degree, home or diversified financial portfolio. When you need someone to hug, to vent to or sacrifice during your time of need, a person’s net worth is irrelevant. Don’t get me wrong, it is important to have goals and pursue them, but not at the expense of losing a grip on what keeps relationships anchored.

Professional black women may encounter greater distractions in Atlanta than other cities, but this can be attributed to the social competition and materialism that exists. Smaller cities don’t typically have the same level of competition and thus a different relationship mindset exists.

Professional black women in Atlanta do face hurdles when dating, but much of it lies in the distance between their ears. A renewed mindset, confidence and an understanding of what is truly valued in relationships can make all the difference in dating and relationship experiences.

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