Become The One!

One of the most popular debates in the area of African-American singles is the perceived numerical imbalance between available men and women. Before I continue forward let me first put out this disclaimer. NOT EVERYONE WILL HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO EXPERIENCE MARRIAGE!!! You have to first resolve in your spirit that you are okay in your season of singleness and that you are content with the state God has placed you in. Once you accept whatever God’s Will is for your life, you are then eligible for the blessings that He wants to bestow upon you…which may include marriage :).

Now that I have gotten that out of the way let’s continue. In Atlanta, the women to men ratio ranges anywhere from 8:1 to 15:1, depending on the information source. On the surface the numbers look very lopsided and depressing, but I’d like to offer up another perspective…ARE YOU THE ONE??? It is very daunting for African-American sisters to agonize over the thought of having to compete with 7 to 14 other women for the shot at relationship with one man. Over the years I have entertained many discussions about this topic, but would like you to ponder the question ARE YOU THE ONE? As a male entrenched in the process of identifying and sorting through the many options that are available for black men, I have noticed that quantity of women is NO correlation to the QUALITY of available women. In evaluating the lopsided ratio of women to men, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that most women are unqualified candidates for long-term relationships. I know…men have issues too (I will deal with that in another post), but our issues can most of the time be isolated to fear of commitment or lack of desire to excel in life. For the sake of conversation let’s say the ratio of women to men is ~10 to 1. Let’s look at the typical categories that most of those 10 women fall into:

1. Low self-esteem – Men can sense when a woman is a member of the low self-esteem club. Wholeheartedly, quality men are NOT drawn to women with self-esteem issues because they are often considered liabilities in the big picture of life and relationships. Insecure and abusive ARE drawn to women with self-esteem issues because they are in search of someone they can control. Quality men like to know that they are yoked-up with a woman who is able to stand firm on her own and not demand/require constant affirmation. Now don’t get me wrong…a good man will sow words of encouragement into his woman and does not mind speaking life into her aspirations and goals. However, men would also like to know that they are in a partnership and not feel like they have a father-daughter component in their relationship. Women with low self esteem can be spotted typically as someone not having a strong male figure in their lives growing up (this statement is not absolute), someone who has been taken advantage of by loved ones and/or someone whose family structure never allowed them to feel valued. Women with self-esteem challenges should first get rooted in God’s Word so they are able to understand who they are in the eyes of God before seeking to connect with a man. This is beneficial for all parties involved.

2. Bag Lady – Unfortunately, men are not always accepting of women who bring children into the equation of relationships. Several of my closest friends have decided that they do not want have to deal with the inherited ‘baby’s daddy’ in developing long-term relationships with a woman. They want to be able to share the life event experience of having a child together for the first time and not feel as if its ‘old hat’ for the person they are with. On the flip side, there are many men (myself included) who do not have a problem developing a relationship with a woman who has children. The second bag lady group is comprised of women who seem as if they transition from one relationship to the next without disconnecting or purging themselves of ‘hazardous stuff’ (including trust issues, preconceived notions and old 'ex' memories) detrimental to future relationships. As the ‘internal time clock’ begins to tick in the lives of some of our African American women, we sometimes notice a haphazard transition from one relationship to another in search of Mr. Right. The danger of doing so leads to many negative articles of ‘luggage’ being transferred from one relationship to the next destroying possibility of success. Bag ladies need to embrace their season of singleness and allow God to purge the unhealthy thoughts, experiences and expectations from their lives.

3. Ms. Too Independent – You know Ms. Too Independent…she is college educated, volunteers in the community, earns a good living and is a faithful servant in the church. All of these things make up the beautiful resume shell that most men would kill for right??? Hold on…the aforementioned qualities ARE awesome and most men desire these in a mate. However, let’s insert the qualities that do not show up on the resume of that quality woman submitted for review by a potential mate: a) She is one with the inability to compromise on issues, b) she is one who lacks the helpmeet skills to make a man feel valued, c) she is the one who cannot cook or clean and demands to eat out all of the time and d) she is one who cannot properly channel the authoritative drive it takes to be successful in Corporate America. Just because you are an attorney, doctor, IT manager or marketing director does not mean you can carry the authoritative demands into the household. These are the negative qualities of black women that usually drive good black men away. Unfortunately, Ms. Too Independent makes up the bulk of seemingly qualified candidates who have it going on according to the expectations set forth by society. However, these women are considered false realities in the intimate circles of black men discussions. Ephesians 5:22 is a good verse to meditate on in preparation for a God-ordained relationship.

4. The One – This is the woman who carries the same characteristics that Ms. Too Independent possesses, but she is not overly flamboyant or loud about her personal resume or successes. She operates powerfully, but with a silent aura of confidence that gives no other choice but for a man to respect her. She is willing to go to bat for her man and shows desire to make a harmonious partner in the household. She exudes the Proverbs 31 woman and understands that progression towards becoming the woman God has called her to be is a continual process. She is able to get her man to open up, she offers a shoulder for him to cry on and does not act as if she ‘knows it all’. Men typically retract themselves into a shell if they feel their relationship partner lacks the listening skills that black men so desperately cry out for in relationships.

Parting Thought - Don’t concern yourself with societal ratios because that will surely depress you. Fortunately, our God does not work in the form of ratios or according to earthly odds. Continue developing yourself, building and allowing God to shape you so that you are the one!!!

Brought to you by Kenny Pugh - http://www.kennypugh.com and Chat Kafe - http://www.chatkafeonline.com.

**All of my new blogs will be posted via http://www.kennypugh.com. Please visit http://www.kennypugh.com to receive my blog updates**

Why 'Contemporary Dating' Has Destroyed Our Society!

I’ve finally decided to post my personal stance on ‘contemporary dating.’ I have gone back and forth debating, arguing and persuading various individuals on my dating perspective with varying degrees of success. Because of the societal and cultural relevance of today, it is almost impossible to convert the thinking of the 20 and 30-year old individuals about something they personally practice. I once paraded around adamantly declaring my anti-dating stance, but was often met with opposition from others seeking to disprove my perspective. After deliberating the core discussion points between me and others, the main source(s) of contention centers on terminology and semantics. As a result of my review, I will modify my anti-dating stance and try to compromise in an effort to convey my perspective.

I will simply redefine my perspective as ‘purposeful dating’ versus today’s ‘contemporary dating’. Purposeful dating is more aligned with the old school mentality of getting to know someone before heading down the path of courtship (to be defined later). However, ‘contemporary dating’ is practiced by about 95% of today’s population. As a result, the ‘contemporary dating’ seems to be a significant contributor to today’s troubled relationships. There is no coincidence the lack of truly getting to know someone prior to holy matrimony has led to the inflated number of divorces we currently see in our society (50-60%). A friend and I were discussing the impact of divorce on our society and it relates to ‘contemporary dating.’ The first thing I find interesting is the lack of discrimination divorce has on our society. It cannot be traced 100% to race, economic class, religious association or profession. However, you can often trace divorce to two individuals who practiced ‘contemporary dating.’ The following constitutes the definition from which I base all of my research and evaluation.

Contemporary Dating – A casual relationship with no predefined purpose, initiated through casual acquaintance and often substantiated by physical appearance. This simply means that you met someone at the club, grocery store or any other place and felt your interest peaked by their physical appearance. However, physical appearances often lead you astray from a person’s character, which is the source of who they really are.

Casual sex, false love, selfish desire, displaced boundaries and miscalculated friendships are all characteristics of ‘contemporary dating’ and serve as catalysts that seek to uproot the foundation of true relationships. ‘Contemporary dating’ has left our society with the following for upcoming generations to overcome:
1. Increase in sexually transmitted diseases (STD’s)
2. Increase in the number children born out of wedlock
3. Increase in single-parent households (meaning parents of children born out of wedlock never decide to marry)
4. Increase in the number of divorces
5. Decrease in the number of healthy relationships to model after

Points 1, 2 and 3 can be directly correlated to the amount of casual sex that takes place as a result of ‘contemporary dating.’ Our society promotes sex as the personal fulfillment component within a relationship that can be participated in if two consenting people mutually agree. However, the problem with casual sex is it places a cloud over relationships, causing a natural detraction from fully nurturing and developing a relationship. It is virtually impossible for two people to remain on the same page relationally when the sex boundary has been crossed because of emotional attachment. Once sexual emotions enter into a relationship, it is difficult to balance the physical attachment (for men) and the emotional attachment (for women). As a result, we’ve seen ongoing relationship breakups leading to an increase in STD’s, unplanned pregnancies and single parenthood.

Points 4 and 5 can be attributed to two people never really getting a chance to learn and know one another prior to making a marital covenant. In today’s society, we might as well take the “until death do us part” clause out of the marriage ceremony. The following may work better:
- “until he or she gets on my nerves”
- “until he or she loses their job and finances get tight”
- “until he or she doesn’t satisfy me sexually”
- “until he or she no longer has the popularity or power they had when we first got married”

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. Relationships are no longer a priority in our society as a result of ‘contemporary dating.’ Contemporary dating serves as an uncompromising, self-centered hobby that we can opt out of once we get upset or bored. We then take the opt-out clause into marriage where many people have chosen to invoke it. We keep practicing the same ritualistic habits, expecting a different result, which is the working definition of insanity.

I know you are probably thinking to yourself “What is the alternative?” Well...you'll have to listen to the Chat Kafe radio show (http://www.chatkafeonline.com)on Sundays from 6-8PM to glean some of the alternatives you have available.

Brought to you by Kenny Pugh, http://chatkafe.blogspot.com and Chat Kafe, http://www.chatkafeonline.com.

Do You Have Your Storm Survival Kit?

I continue to hear news about those personally going through trials and storms of life. I know it's so much easier to speak about storms while on the outside looking in, but I feel compelled to share something I gleaned from Scripture while enduring my own grey sky experience. Prayerfully, this will plant itself in your spirit to endure times when your flesh wants to take over.

In Matthew 7:24-27 Jesus speaks to us about the storms of life. He talks about how to weatherproof your home (life) from any natural or spiritual disaster.

24"Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. 25The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. 26But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. 27The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash."

What is interesting about this lesson is that the storm that Jesus mentioned did not discriminate between the two houses. The storms of our lives do not care if you're living in a $500,000.00 home or a $50,000.00 home. The storms of our lives do not care if you’re the CEO of a Fortune 500 company or a custodian at an office building. The storms of our lives do not care if you are the upper-class people in the community or the working-class people in the community. A storm will come against both the highly educated and the uneducated, the sick and those in good health. No matter who we are or who we think we are…storms of life will certainly come against all of us.

Jesus also provided a warning of where the storms will come from.
"25The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew."

The rain referenced in this verse represent problems originating from above; our companies, bosses, government and other community leaders. The rising streams represent the problems from below (our “flood”); our children and our subordinates. The blowing winds represent the problems that can originate from around us; our finances, our spouses, our “friends”, or even our own internal personal problems. Jesus was sure to mention that these storms would not just come from every direction, but what they would do when the storms showed up, "beat against that house." The positive thing about going through the storms of life, you will be tested unlike no other individual can test you.

The only difference in the two houses was not how they looked, nor the material that was used, but what they were built upon. “because it had its foundation on the rock.” Anything that we have can be lost in an instant. Everything that we have worked so hard for can instantaneously be taken away from us. The only way to survive life’s storms is to prepare your Storm Survival Kit for future use.

So here are a few items for your storm survival kit.
1. WORD. The Bible can be used to re-affirm that your house is indeed built on the Rock (Jesus Christ) as its foundation.
2. REVERENCE. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of Wisdom (Proverbs 1:7) This item cannot be purchased at Lowe’s or Home Depot.
3. SERVICE. Get up and do something for God! Especially, after all that He has done for you.
4. WORSHIP. Worship God in everything you do. Worship Him with ALL your heart, soul, mind, and strength. (Mark 12:30).

Remember…storms are a natural part of life and they will eventually hit all of us. You may not get hit by Hurricane Katrina like the people of New Orleans, but you will get an opportunity to face your own personally crafted storm. Death, layoff, family and marriage challenges are lurking just around the corner. Here is another guarantee…It is not a matter of IF you'll be hit, but WHEN you’ll be hit. Prepare your Storm Survival Kit now so that when you do get hit ...your house will survive the storm. AMEN!!!

Brought to you by Kenny Pugh, http://chatkafe.blogspot.com and Chat Kafe, http://www.chatkafeonline.com.