What Is Your True Relationship Value?

Everyday there are various magazine articles, blogs, radio and television programs dedicated to addressing the ‘epidemic’ of singleness in our society. We are entertained by a number of so-called ‘quality’ men and women who discuss their plights as to why each of them, as a quality candidate, still has the unlucky ‘I’m still single’ card. There are NEVER enough quality men to choose for women. There are ALWAYS too many ‘high potential’ women to sort through and make a commitment to for men.

As single listeners/viewers, we often place ourselves into their shoes wondering “Why am I still single?” We then begin thinking about the various things we perceive as qualities that should make ourselves attractive to the opposite sex. Unfortunately, too many of us have a higher self-appraisal of ourselves than what others are willing to view as true relationship value. Sort of like the homeowner who thinks their home is worth $400,000, when the true market value based on recent sales is really $300,000.

The question I pose to you today is “What is your true relationship value?”

How would you be rated in the following areas on a scale of 1-5? Rank the areas in order of importance for the person you would seriously consider as the husband/wife in your life. Meaning…what’s important for your mate to bring to the table?

1. Physical – What is your current physical status? Do you eat healthy? Physical attraction isn’t necessarily based on looks, but your ability to present yourself in a manner that accents you as an individual (i.e., via your attire, grooming, nails, etc.).
2. Professional – Are you where you desire to be professionally? If not, are you taking steps to achieve your goals? Or are you simply treading water working a JOB? Your professional life is something that should pursue and stabilize during your single season.
3. Financial – How are your financial management skills? Do you know how to balance a checkbook? How is your credit? Sound financial management isn’t based on how much you make, but your ability to properly manage what you do make. Finances are a major component to the health of marriages, so you need to be able to positively contribute in this area.
4. Social – Do you know how to have fun? Do people enjoy being around you? Or are you always negative? Can you enjoy the subtleties of life? Your social life helps bring enjoyment to healthy relationships.
5. Spiritual – Do you have a spiritual life? How important is it to you? Are you willing to compromise your beliefs for Mr./Mrs. Right? Your spiritual life is either seen as a major foundation or simply a nice to have in relationships.

Check your score:

25 – Try again…no one is perfect

21-24 – You are a great catch

16-20 – You are a good catch

11-15 – Needs improvement

6-10 – Destined for singleness

1-5 – Is a response really needed?

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Solo Mission

Last night I endured yet another evening of battling insomnia! These bouts are becoming more and more frequent, but I believe I’m still going through a process of preparation for something greater. To make matters worse, it seems as if God is pruning people out of my life so that I can truly embrace and appreciate His presence. It’s challenging enough going through a life season without any clear direction, but add in the factor of having no one to endure the journey along with you. Call it a solo mission!

No matter how much we try to avoid it, some things in life are meant to be experienced in isolation, in order to prepare you for the life journey ahead. Have you ever been in a situation where it seems as if every component of your life is being challenged? Challenged professionally? Challenged relationally? Challenged financially? Challenged spiritually? Well solo missions position you to trust God’s voice when you cannot trust your own vision. Faith is really irrelevant if you’re able to control your own life and the circumstances surrounding it. Take it from me, your life is comprised of solo missions that help shape the person you are and the person you’ll become.

How will you respond to your solo missions?

Will you fuss and complain?
Will you embrace the process?
Will you try to flee and escape?


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Separation for Our Preparation

“Nor did I go up to Jerusalem to see those who were apostles before I was, but I went immediately into Arabia and later returned to Damascus.” - Galatians 1:17

The apostle Paul tells us in the first chapter of Galatians some of the facts surrounding his own conversion. He tells us that he clearly understood the call Jesus placed on his life. He did not have to consult other men about this calling. But before he was released to begin his own mission, He went to Arabia for three years. Why did Paul have to go to Arabia for three years before he ever met another disciple of Jesus Christ?

The Scripture does not tell us plainly why Paul spent three years in Arabia. However, based upon many examples of God placing special calls on people's lives, we know it often requires a time of separation between the old life and the new life. No doubt, Paul had plenty of time to consider what had taken place in his life and time to develop an intimate knowledge and relationship with the newfound Savior. His life was about to change dramatically.

So often, when God places a call on one of His children, it requires a separation between the old life and the new life. There is a time of being away from the old in order to prepare the heart for what is ultimately coming. It can be a painful and difficult separation. Joseph was separated from his family. Jacob was sent to live with his uncle Laban. Moses was sent to the desert.

When God began a deeper work in my own life, it required a separation from all I had known before. He removed all that I had placed confidence in up to that point…money, my career, my party lifestyle and the most painful…the many members of my concubine (that one hurt). I was actually at a point in my life where things were actually lining-up socially, professionally, but something was still eating at me spiritually. God had a different idea. He removed all my creature comforts and security in order to accomplish a much greater work than what I could see at the time. The picture is clear now. I understand why it was necessary, but I didn't at the time. It is not until we learn how to serve Him that we ultimately position ourselves to receive what our Creator ultimately has for us. Think of yourselves as waiters in a restaurant where, as you are waiting, you continue to serve those who are patrons in your establishment (aka your life).

Perhaps God has placed you in your own period of separation. Perhaps you cannot make sense of the situation in which you find yourself. If you press into God during this time, He will reveal the many purposes He has for you. The key is pressing into Him. Merge into a deeper relationship with Him. Seek Him with a whole heart and He will be found. God may have a special calling and message He is building in your life right now. Trust in His love for you that He will fully complete the work He has started in you.

Corporately as the body of Christ and also personally, we are approaching the midway point of 2010. Continue to use this year as a point of reference in your life. I believe that we get separated in preparation for something greater to come. We deal with death, financial setbacks, job loss and personal health issues. However, despite the trials and tribulation in our lives we have to remember that the One who leads us to the life challenges is powerful enough to get us through them. Amen!

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Do Professional Women Face Dating Hurdles?

Dating for professional black women is one of the most interesting debates that we entertain in today’s social circles. In my opinion, I believe we have made the issue a lot larger than what it truly is because of the many books, movies and workplace discussions that deal with the subject. When truly evaluating the core issues at hand, the hurdles that professional black women have fishing in a relatively small dating pond are as follows:

1) Media Influence – The media has truly influenced the perspectives and self-views of many professional black women. When a message is conveyed over and over again, it often positions the recipients to begin embellishing the statements as truth. You hear messages regarding the issues professional black women face in dating via radio shows, blogs and magazines. This prompts the discussions between friends, co-workers and thus results in the perpetual mindsets that now exist. The reality is no matter if the statistics state that 42.7% of African-American women are unmarried, women have to realize that it only takes meeting ONE man to place them in the 57.3% category. However, if a negative mindset is embraced, then experiences usually follow.

2) Misconception of Men’s Views – There is a misconception that men are intimidated by the educational, professional and social statuses of successful black women. This is true when women are only exposed to groups of underconfident and immature men who lack motivation. If this seems to be the norm, then I recommend doing something different in order to get exposure to new circles of men. There are groups of men who desire to be men of integrity. There are men who desire to be married. There are men who embrace the professional and educational pursuits of black women. There are men who desire to love women unconditionally. The common misunderstanding of black men is “black men are intimidated by successful black women.” The success isn’t what disconnects men and women it’s the perceived attitude that is associated with the professional success and education. If two people make each other feel valued, then the relationship will work despite an educational or professional gap. Genuine love bridges the widest of gaps and eases the deepest of insecurities.

3) Misunderstanding of “Value” – Somewhere along the line of time our society lost the things that should be viewed and embraced as “valuable” in relationships. Say what you want, our grandparents were able to build long-lasting relationships not based on money, but on love and sacrifice. By having one another’s back through thick in thin. By understanding that sacrifice will get you further than a master’s degree, home or diversified financial portfolio. When you need someone to hug, to vent to or sacrifice during your time of need, a person’s net worth is irrelevant. Don’t get me wrong, it is important to have goals and pursue them, but not at the expense of losing a grip on what keeps relationships anchored.

Professional black women may encounter greater distractions in Atlanta than other cities, but this can be attributed to the social competition and materialism that exists. Smaller cities don’t typically have the same level of competition and thus a different relationship mindset exists.

Professional black women in Atlanta do face hurdles when dating, but much of it lies in the distance between their ears. A renewed mindset, confidence and an understanding of what is truly valued in relationships can make all the difference in dating and relationship experiences.

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Don't Get Mad...by Kimberly Bradford

Remember when you went to the doctor and right before they stuck the needle in your arm the nurse said, “You’re going to feel a little pinch”? Well get ready because this is about to sting a whole helluva lot!

Alright, so I guess this is what it took for me to get to typing… I just watched Nightline’s Why Successful Black Women Aren’t Married and I’m in an uproar.

When I first heard about this event I must admit I was hyped and I wanted to go but as the week went on, something inside said “maybe this isn’t for you.” I actually went to the venue and was going to meet up with a friend who was on the guest list but our signals were crossed and I ended up leaving instead of waiting around watching the line wrapped around the building move slowly. After the taping, I spoke with my friend and we talked about the night’s discussion and some of the key points that were highlighted in the Nightline broadcast. During our conversation it occurred to me that I was right about this topic not being something I agree with.

You know I love a good party but I absolutely refuse to accept, attend or host one of these asinine pity parties that they want to throw for Black women. I need to talk to my girls right now… Seriously ladies, some of ya’ll need to quit with all this talk about a man being “intimidated” by you and having these ridiculous laundry lists of must have’s that you conveniently throw up in a man’s face while screaming “I’M INDEPENDENT.”

Before any of you come back at me and say I’m placing the blame solely on the women hear me out. Music and these over-the-top television shows about being a housewife, which ironically don’t contain any actual housewives, have warped the mindset of so many women both young and old. How can you complain about being single when you’re wearing the term “independent” like it’s a badge of honor? Honey child listen, if you are single and you’re paying your bills, buying your own car/house and taking care of your essential needs you aren’t independent, you’re a woman who’s doing what she’s SUPPOSED to do. You don’t get a medal for doing that! Stop tripping! You think because you show up to work everyday that that qualifies you as a stellar employee? Girl please, you’re supposed to show up to work if you want a paycheck! Somewhere along the way women have forgotten how to be the beautiful creatures we were created to be. Many have turned into bitter, venom spitting vipers that look like they’ll bite off the head of a man if he even thinks about speaking to them. On the flip side, you scream independent but you want a man to take you to the mall and buy out the store. You won’t date a man who works in the factory assembling Mercedes because you want the man who drives one. Who needs a pimp when so many women pimp themselves very easily? Come on, get a grip.

We are so much better than what is being put out there ladies. If you truly desire to be in a successful relationship/marriage then I pray that God blesses you with your desires but it’s going to take some action on your part. Stop worrying about statistics, stop pointing the finger at men and take a look in the mirror. Could it be you’re single because of…You?

Do you even know who YOU are? Do you know what YOU want out of life? How can you expect a man to meet your standards when you haven’t even set or met any yourself?
Chuck D. and Public Enemy said it best, Don’t Believe the Hype!


--Kimberly Bradford

How to Put Humpty Dumpty's Brand Back Together Again

A person’s brand, i.e. reputation, is about as fragile as an eggshell. It takes a lot of time to nurture and develop that brand into something recognizable, valuable, and marketable. Regardless of the time and money spent, no brand is indestructible. If that person has a momentary (or on-going) character crisis, that brand can be shattered into a bunch of little fragments very quickly, just like Humpty’s shell.

Moral failures are nothing new. They have been happening since before human life began on the earth (remember Satan’s fall?). The difference now is that with the virus-like infiltration of technology and media into every area of our lives, we hear about these failures sooner, more often, and more in-depth than in the past. This is one of the reasons that people and companies spend incredible amounts of time, energy, talent, money, and creativity on brand development.

Brand development is a powerful way to package and present a person or company to the world. It is just unfortunate that the time spent embellishing one’s image has come at the expense of enhancing their character. Brand development as a substitution for character development will lead to terrible results.

Here is the link to the above article in its entirety:
Link: http://www.brothaonline.com/humpty.html

By Paul Wilson, Jr.

Which Man Are You? - Part 2

Thanks for joining me for part 2 of ‘Which Man Are You?’ As promised, I will conclude the categorical analysis I posted yesterday. To recap, we previously took a look at Mr. ‘Insecure,’ Mr. ‘Good Guy,’ Mr. ‘Bag Man’ and Mr. ‘Superficial’. For additional information on the aforementioned groups, please refer to my previous post.

As with the previous descriptions, men may fall into one or more of these categories and transition in and out based on various seasons in their lives. To be honest, I have found myself as Mr. ‘Insecure’, Mr. ‘Good Guy’ and Mr. ‘Bag Man’ at various points in my life. However, my relationship with God has given me the courage to acknowledge and address my shortcomings.

Without further delay, let’s look at the final four categories:

5. Mr. ‘Wolf in Sheep Clothing’ – I don’t want to give too much airtime to this group of individuals because it sickens me to think that this group exists in very large numbers. This individual presents himself as one of pure motives and exudes the confidence and interest that most women desire. However, upon further review, exploration and after a period of time, the truth about a wife or other lie finally comes to the surface. Why do you hide significant details about your relational status and life when you know that someone is going to get hurt in the end? Is it the thrill of adventure? Is it the desire to continuously upgrade? Remember that everything done in the dark eventually comes to light. If you struggle in this area, pray to God to establish order and commitment in your life. Families and relationships are being destroyed everyday and we need honesty and commitment to reappear as cornerstones in relationships.

6. Mr. ‘Fear of Commitment’ – Most men today find themselves in this category during the explorative phase in their lives. This individual gets enjoyment by being connected to women, but not being committed to them. I was one of the best at leading women down the ambiguous path of a relationship in search of something that would probably never appear. This individual finds fulfillment in building a ‘perfect’ woman through qualities of several different women in his life. It is an awesome fantasy to take bits and pieces of each person, and utilize the pieces to build what you view as a ‘perfect’ mate. The detriment to this approach is that you cater to a mentality that promotes perfection when individual perfection does not exist. In the process of creating mental perfection, you destroy the reality of what makes up our humanity. You typically find yourself in long drawn-out relationships that never make it past the boyfriend/girlfriend phase. You find yourself continuing to go out partying and being a social butterfly even though you have a ‘girlfriend’. You get really agitated and upset whenever the subject of relational permanency is initiated by your ‘girlfriend.’ In the end, Mr. ‘Fear of Commitment’ loves being associated with relationships, but you can never make-up your mind.

7. Mr. ‘Overconfident’ – If you specialize in telling others about yourself, then this is your category. Ever since you were born the world revolved around you. You got it going on, have the nice-paying corporate job or own your own successful business and have your pick of any woman (according to your own perception). Unfortunately, you never get a chance to acknowledge the value others can add to your life because you are only concerned about yourself and what others can do for you. There is nothing wrong with having a general level of overall confidence, but the problem occurs when you exceed the accepted level. You operate with sort of a barterer’s mentality, flashing material items and connections for the sole purpose of impressing and receiving from others. The unique thing about being Mr. ‘Overconfident’ is you probably don’t recognize it! Women are speaking negatively behind your back to others and you have no idea this opinion exists about you. If you have a hunch that this might be you, please consult a close female friend who will offer an unbiased response to your question. The good thing about being Mr. ‘Overconfident’ is that you only have to tone down your self-promotion a notch in order to cross back over to an attractive level of confidence.

8. Mr. ‘Good Catch’ – This is the man most women dream about, but have so much trouble recognizing because of the other men who co-exist. You are the one created by God and you are connected through a relationship with Him. You possess an unquenchable fire and passion to progress in life. Remaining stagnant in life is NOT an option. You continue the chivalrous gestures that once upon a time defined a true man. You set yourself apart with your patience and respect for women and others you come across. Your professions vary, but you are willing to work in order to provide for your family. You may be an attorney, a doctor, a salesman, teacher or truck driver. What matters most is that you understand your TRUE responsibility as a priest, provider, protector, comforter and/or father (if desired). Not only do you understand your responsibility, you VALUE this responsibility with open arms. Sisters dream about and yearn for your powerful presence and authoritative nature. You recognize your individual shortcomings and are willing to address them without shame. You are not afraid to express emotions when things have you down. REAL MEN DO CRY!

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