Relationships Are About Giving

Reflecting over the many relationships that have encountered turbulence during their tenure, it has been made clear to me through counseling others, many relationships fail because they lack a foundation based on giving. Please understand the TRUE foundation of successful relationships is based on Christ, but there are also other layers that play a part in successful relationships because of a Christ-centered focus. It is human nature to become selfish in our perspective on what we desire out of our relationships. However, by having a relationship with Christ it should be our understanding that we must first be a giver in all of our relationships. If you evaluate John 3:16, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.” When we look at the nature of our relationship with Christ, it was established because God gave Him to us as a gift. The gift was not provided to us because we did everything right. The gift was not provided to us because we were worthy of it. The gift was not provided to us because we deserved it. The gift was not provided to us because we would always agree with the direction He (God) would take us. The gift was provided to us because of God’s relationship and love towards us. I know you are thinking to yourself what does this mean to me? Well I’m glad you asked. Let me pause parenthetically to allow you to assess within yourself whether you have been a giver or taker in your relationships?

Let’s start with your family relationships…
1.) Do you GIVE love, respect and encouragement to those you are related to?
2.) When was the last time you offered advice to a relative who was struggling with something you have experience in? Have you helped a cousin apply and transition to college even though no one else in their household did?

Let’s look at your workplace relationships…
1.) Do you GIVE/contribute to the overall positive atmosphere in your workplace? Or do you sow seeds of discord and gossip in the office?
2.) If you disagree with how things are being done, do you offer-up solutions to the problem? Workplaces are full of unhappy people who can tell you everything that is wrong, but never offer-up ways to improve things.

Let’s look at your male/female relationships…
1.) Do you GIVE love, peace, patience goodness, etc. to your mate? Or are you always focused on what they haven’t GIVEN to you?
2.) Do you GIVE encouragement in areas where your partner is lacking? Or do you simply harbor the negatives they bring to the table in your relationship?
3.) Do you GIVE your partner an opportunity to change their behavior? Or do you bash them for not changing according to your personal timeline?

Let’s look at your relationship with Christ…
1.) Do you GIVE your time, talents and treasures? Christ gave of Himself and many of us repay Him by participating in adulteress relationships. We worship our jobs, we worship our material belongings and we worship our boyfriends/girlfriends. God wants a full-time relationship with us, but we choose to relegate Him visitation rights on Sundays, Wednesdays or Thursday (if we are able to make it) or when we are in trouble and need His assistance.
2.) Do you communicate with Him daily through prayer and/or His Word? This is an act of GIVING Him attention.
3.) Do you have talents/gifts (e.g. hospitality, singing, teaching) that you GIVE back to the kingdom?
4.) Do you GIVE your treasure for the furtherance of kingdom work? Or do you spend it all up selfishly at Lenox, Phipps Plaza or any other mall you see fit :).

Could God be holding back Mr. or Mrs. Right in your life because you have not fully grasped the idea of what it means to give in a relationship beginning with Him? Giving is NOT an option in a relationship, but a requirement. Hmmmm…just a little something to think about!

What If Marriage Is Not Your Calling?

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Workplace topic of the week...

How do you deal with the potential reality of marriage NOT being a calling for your life?

The reality is, if we tried to match every woman and every man together for marriage relationships, we would eventually run out of men due to women currently outnumbering men in our country. I know this is depressing ladies, but consider this...

1. God has created some women who never desire to marry.
2. There is another group of women who are unprepared for successful marriages.
3. You only have yourself to develop in order to be the ONE for a mate. You should never concern yourself with everyone else because God has His own unique plan for you.
4. God doesn't work according to worldly odds. It only takes ONE man to satisfy the requirement for a godly marriage partner.

For men it is sometimes challenging to sort through the many options who present themselves to you, but consider this...

1. Most women will eliminate themselves as viable mates due to the behavior they exude during the courting process.
2. You can only really assess one woman at a time. Dating multiple women at one time has a tendency to blur your focus.
3. You have to do the mate finding in order to obtain FAVOR from the Lord. Sitting back casually forces the roles to reverse, which is unbiblical.
4. You have to focus on preparing yourself to be the priest of the household. God will send the woman you need to pursue after you have shown yourself to be worthy.

Here are my personal thoughts...

- If marriage is not the calling for your life, then God will begin to gradually divert your attention from that area of your life and direct it somewhere else.
- If marriage is not the calling for your life, then God will allow you to choose potential mates according to your own will and not according to His will. This will result in ongoing disappointment and a loss of motivation for marital bliss.
- If marriage is not the calling for your life, then God will orchestrate a life-situation that causes you to accept singleness as your personal ministry.

Are You Prepared To Receive

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Workplace topic of the week…

Many people today ponder the question, “When will I meet the person I will spend the rest of my life with?” The better question for people really to consider is, “Am I really prepared to receive the person I will spend the rest of my life with?”

There are a few areas of your life that should be ongoing works in process in preparation for your life mate.

1. Spiritual – Do you read God’s Word and fellowship with Him regularly? Why would God send you a mate when you haven’t established a regular relationship with Him? Are you asking God to send you a mate when you can’t even commit to Him? (James 1:7-9, Psalm 107:1-2)

2. Physical – Do you take care of yourself? Do you get enough sleep to remain healthy? Do you eat healthy and regularly? Do you exercise regularly to stay in shape? When is the last time you have had a medical checkup and dental exam? (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

3. Professional – Do you have a plan to continue growing professionally? Or are you comfortable with simply having a job? (2 Timothy 2:15)

4. Financial – Do you know what your credit score is? Do you operate from a financial budget? How deep is your debt and would someone feel comfortable connecting to you and your current debt situation? (Proverbs 3:9-10, Matthew 6:33)

5. Social – Are you a homebody and not open to social things? Do you fellowship with friends? Do you participate in church, professional and/or friend gatherings? (Deuteronomy 6:4-6, Acts 2:46-47, Proverbs 27:17)

6. Mental – Do you read regularly or is your growth based on television? Do you have any hobbies or outlets for your stress? (1 Timothy 4:13-16, Colossians 3:23)

Summary: Be sure to make specific areas of weakness and need known to God. Allow Him to continue working and maturing you in those areas while preparing you to become the best you can be for your mate. Two broken vessels coming together does not equal a whole relationship. However, two whole vessels coming together will result in one strong relationship. Life is too short for you to become complacent in your thinking and being. Continue moving forward in life because there is so much God wants you to experience. Do not allow life to be taken for granted!

A Day in the Mind of KP

I have received countless e-mails and comments regarding my personal pursuits of relationship. I would like to first offer-up that over the past several years I had no interest in becoming involved in a relationship. I had been scarred, heart-broken and totally disengaged from the idea of marriage. However, that is where God stepped onto the scene and caused me to check myself. I needed to become comfortable with myself again so that I could be used in a positive way by Him. There was a personal ‘detox’ that needed to take place in my mind, heart and spirit. Fortunately, I opened myself up to Him and let Him have His way in my life. The messages I preach about appreciating your season of singleness come from personal experience. Until you learn how to appreciate yourself, God’s work in you and the purpose He has for you, you will never achieve the abundant life He desires for you. My personal time away from relationships has allowed me to become proficient in analyzing, evaluating and counseling people through their issues. Five years of isolation and years of selfish relationship allowed me to formulate my current theory of What NOT-to-DO. You are simply beneficiaries of years of research and bad decisions made by my friends as well as myself.

I created this blog to help people build effective and healthy relationships and restore Kingdom families. I do not want anyone thinking that Chat Kafe with KP is my personal platform to boast and promote myself. Life is too short for egos and personal selfishness. Our society is decaying relationally at an alarming rate. I am tired of seeing relationships fail because two broken people try to come together as a solution to their issues. I am tired of seeing selfishness serve as the catalyst of destroying marriages. I am tired of children having to endure the pain of being separated like personal assets because their parents were unwilling to workout their personal differences. Those children end up harboring pain in their hearts and transfer the pain into future relationships. Enough is enough!!!

I want to serve as a vessel to promoting and building a foundation to healthy relationships. My perspectives may seem radical at times and that is okay. Vision allows me to see something that others cannot. My vision desires the following:

 More men and women desiring monogamous committed relationships
 More unmarried men and women serving in the Kingdom and in the community
 More men and women focused on giving to others rather than taking for themselves
 More open public communication about relationship issues

 No more failed marriages due to irreconcilable differences
 No more hurt women at the hands of irresponsible men
 No more children growing up in single parent households
 No more unhealthy relationships because of ignorance

Let me also dispel a misconception that is floating around about how I have everything together in my life relationally. I have allowed myself to appear perfect, untouchable and I sometimes put up the façade that I don’t love, hurt, laugh or desire happiness like everyone else. This perspective could not be farther from the truth. I have made some relational mistakes in life…even during my ministerial tenure. I am a very private person and often keep these things to myself or within my circle of accountability partners (notice…I said my accountability partners). This means that I too have an outside support group that helps me sort through my personal relationship dilemmas when I cannot come to a clear understanding on my own. Just because I coach people doesn’t mean that I don’t need to be coached. It is easier to see clearly outside of a situation than when you are in the middle of it.

For those of you who are interested in how I’m pursuing a ‘good woman’, understand that there are many good women out in the world. I have contemplated and considered approaching a few of the good women I know personally. However, as I often preach…there is a difference between a ‘good woman’ and the ‘good woman for me.’ I have stepped out of my comfort zone and only time will tell if the ‘good woman for me’ has already been found ;). Peace and blessings to you!

Relationship Tip - 5/7/2008

Communication is a two-way street. In order to have effective communication, two people have to be willing to participate. If one person is disengaged, then your conversation will more than likely end in conflict. Also, remember the art of listening...you cannot listen and talk at the same time :).

Do We Really Want What We Are Asking For?

Workplace Topic of the Week...

Why are there so many men and women desiring to be married when so many other men and women are looking for ways to get out of marriage? Do we really want what we are asking for?

I am beginning to feel troubled by this dilemma that I see occurring in our society. Do you believe that our institutions (educational, religious and family) are doing a good enough job of sharing and explaining what the marriage covenant truly means? If not, how can this be changed?

Have a great week!

KP

Male Confessions in Miami

Over the weekend I had the opportunity to spend time with my Kappa Alpha Psi line brothers in Miami celebrating our 12-year anniversary. It’s amazing how people from different backgrounds and belief systems can reunite with a central point of commonality (in our case Kappa Alpha Psi). I am so very different than my line brothers and was hesitant about participating in our anniversary trip. However, I knew God had a purpose for me being there and I simply wanted to receive what it was He had in store for me.

Our vacation crew was made up of 8 men: four married, one engaged; three unmarried men and half of the group were born-again believers. In addition to using my time away from Atlanta for rest and relaxation, I decided to relationally probe into the minds of men who possess very diverse backgrounds of relationship experiences. While we were on South Beach I began asking various questions related to marriage and the associated benefits/difficulties. The four married guys all admitted that they considered throwing in the towel at some point during their marriage due to the tension, frustration and difficulties of merging lives with their wives. Three of them have shaken the past frustrations and have proceeded forward in building and nurturing marital relationships with their spouses. However, one remains connected to his wife only because he’s not sure what to do or where to turn (those of us in Christ would know where to turn ). I asked them what unmarried men and women should focus on in preparation for the marital journey. Here are the top three items that were identified:

1. Communication – Because marriage involves two people from different backgrounds, it is imperative that communication flows freely and with honesty. Otherwise, you leave one party to develop their own conclusions about situations and that can be detrimental to the relationship.
2. Compromise – Two people coming together as one leads to the struggle of imposing one’s personal habits and ways of doing things on their mate. However, we must remember that just because you have been something a certain way for 30 years does not mean it’s the only way of accomplishing a desired outcome. Compromise is one of the most important components of a relationship.
3. Trust – Without trust…a relationship is doomed. If you are consumed with the whereabouts or activities of your mate, you are setting yourself up for a life of misery. A relationship without trust is destined for failure!

One of the four married guys attributed the success and perseverance of his marriage to the relationship both he and his wife have with Christ. He said without his Christian foundation, he would have left his wife with no questions asked. Isn’t it amazing that Christ can help calibrate relationships that seem out of alignment?

I was also shocked to learn that cheating on a spouse was not anything out of the ordinary for some of the men on our trip (I left this statement very vague so I would not incriminate any of my line brothers). Why cheat you may ask? Well…when there is a desire for variety, outside sources often fulfill the desire for variety. Not to mention there are many women who seek attention without commitment and this is an awesome option for men in committed relationships. It was also mentioned that sexual variety and pleasure are difficult temptations to overcome.

What is the moral of this story? Christ should be the focal point of all relationships so you have a central point to calibrate your relationship during times of trial and tribulation. Character allows you to discern the person you are connecting yourself to. Be sure that you are connected to a person’s character and not their personality because personalities change, but character remains consistent. Humorous is a personality trait. Cheating is a character flaw. All healthy relationships have open communication, willingness to compromise and the foundation of trust. Amen!